Confused2020



I’m really confused, sad and angry by what I allowed. Please bare with me as I try to explain this **** show to the best of my ability.

I met my boyfriend last Fall. We had an immediate and intense connection ...one that I’ve never felt before...fireworks...’the one’ type of feeling (and believe me, I’m not one who throws that term around, mostly because I never believed in it until I met him).

We started hanging out, but it was very casual until July of this year. I should make mention that whenever we hung out before getting into a relationship, it would often be for 2-3 days in a row. Everything was going great...almost too good. He was perfect. We were so in love and everyone knew. Just pure bliss. Again, too good to be true.

Then I started noticing that he was drinking every day, he would either tell me or if I was with him, I’d be privy to it. He’d come over to my house and say that he had a couple of beers, etc. Then I started noticing that he wouldn’t remember things he said to me a day before or things we did...like cooked dinner. At first I thought he was kidding and then I realized that he was blackout drunk I just didn’t know. We had a chat about that he said that he noticed that he started drinking more when he started his new job and that he’d try to stop. That never happened. All the guys at work are drunks and his only friends. So I can see how saying no to booze is hard. He would never show up on time for any plans, etc. I guess classic behaviour. He would often acknowledge that he was drinking a lot and wanted to stop but that would mean quitting his job. He was very loving toward me etc. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I randomly get a text message from a woman telling me that he has been texting her inappropriate things and she felt that I should know. She also said that she entertained it when he was doing this in his last relationship, but now has someone in her life and felt that she needed to tell me what he’s been up to. I was a bit surprised but not entirely shocked. What I was shocked about was his reaction to me asking him about this.

He had been drinking when I asked and said it was nothing, that it was just someone he slept with over 10 years ago and how he “chose me”. Right. He then told me that he had to go “to collect his thoughts and for a smoke” (we had this convo over the phone as I just couldn’t wait). This was two weeks ago on a Monday, I didn’t hear from him for a week. We were supposed to go away for the weekend that same week to my friend’s lake house...no word from him. I kept calling and texting him as this was causing me a lot of anxiety...nothing. I was just concerned about his well being. To be honest, I wasn’t even that mad at the message I received. It was his reaction and lack of accountability that spoke volumes.

He finally called me back a week after and apologized, said a whole lotta nothing and that he’d been on a binge for a week...feeling awful, etc. I told him that we should speak in person to which he agreed. I also told him that I suspected that I might be pregnant and that I was gonna take a test (but it’s was too early, I had to wait one more day). We decided that he’d come over the next day, we spoke throughout the day, everything felt “normal”. I took a pregnancy test, it was positive, I told him. He then texted while still at work (so this past Friday) to tell me that he needed one more day before seeing me, that he just didn’t know what to say to me etc. etc. I was mad but again, too understanding.
We spoke on Sat, he said that had to drop something off at work and that he’d text me when he was on his way, I didn’t hear from him until I called on Sunday morning. I also called a number of times on Saturday and he never picked up or answered my calls. He told me that he just started drinking with the boys and telling me that didn’t wanna come over would’ve created more problems. You just learned that your girlfriend is pregnant and prior to that avoided her for a week over **** you did, and somehow this was justified in his head.

I was so disappointed and sad. He finally came over on Sun and his energy was off. He told me that he’d been drinking non stop for over a month and doing coke, and the usage just increased over the past two weeks because of everything he’s done. I was then blindsided by the news that he wasn’t “feeling this relationship” as much anymore. How does one change their mind about something they felt so strongly about in a week? Was everything a lie? Is this his defence mechanism at work? For months he had been telling people that he wants to marry me, wants me to be the mother of his kids, that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him”, etc. I don’t know if I’m in denial or if he’s just pushing me away because that’s what he’s always done in past relationships...there’s been zero accountability. He said this. And how I’m the first one that is making him converse and cares, but he doesn’t know how. He couldn’t even tell me why he wasn’t “feeling it” anymore.

I told him that I went to the doc to confirm the pregnancy test when he bailed on me, and that the results were coming on Mon/Tue. That Sunday when he left my house, he was trying to be nice by sending me memes about “remember when you wished for what you have now” which is confusing considering he said he wasn’t into this BUT wants me to keep the baby. I told him that he can’t even show up for himself, how am I supposed to believe that he’ll be there for me and the baby? To which he said that it’s not too late for him to get his **** together and for us to work through this. I should’ve mentioned that hours earlier when I asked if he was ready to stop he said that he wasn’t and that he was having too much fun. This back and forth went on for hours until about 9pm and I haven’t heard from him since. I told him yesterday that the bloodwork confirmed the pregnancy and nothing. I called and texted...nothing.

I’m not sure what to do. I do know that I probably can’t keep this baby because I don’t want to step into motherhood as a single mom. I’m just so hurt that he wouldn’t even acknowledge the news and want to discuss next steps. He’s probably drinking and avoiding life, which further confirms that I shouldn’t keep his baby because he won’t change.

I don’t have experience dealing with alcoholics...is this how they act? Or is he just an ******* and his substance abuse has nothing to do with it? I’m pregnant with his child and he doesn’t have the decency to at the very least call me back so that we can discuss things. He’s purposely avoiding my messages on social media as well. I never would’ve expected him to act this way. Never. He is not a teenager or even in his 20s. I’m absolutely appalled and beyond hurt. I don’t know what to do. If he was willing to get help, I would 100% be there for him...but ignoring me like this I feel has nothing to do with alcohol.

velma929

Yes, this is how alcoholics are. He loves you, I'll bet - but he loves his drugs more. Maybe he needs them more. Of course he told all his friends how great you were; he wanted them to see *him* as not some drunk but a guy getting his life together. Now the excrement has hit the fan, the reality of a totally dependent human entering the scene, and frankly, he can't keep up the facade.

I'm sorry for what brings you here. Your boyfriend believed, or wanted to believe, all those things he was telling people. Ignoring you is about the booze, but...the booze is about whatever he's not facing about himself.

Confused2020

Thank you for responding. I believe that. He’s self medicated for things I probably know nothing about. I just don’t understand why he would say he wasn’t into the relationship anymore. Why be so cold? I supposed it’s easier to put up a wall than deal with your reality and be vulnerable. And then this whole pregnancy situation and his silence is extremely difficult.

Hopeworks

Sometimes you squeeze the alcohol out of an asshat and all you have left is a sober asshat!

in your case he has bugged out and obviously has no intention of getting sober or accepting responsibility for anything.... he may have been “fun” and you had chemistry but he doesn’t sound like relationship material or a good future dad.

Red flags aren’t not party favors so don’t collect them is another favorite saying around here.

You dodged a bullet most likely because loving an active alcoholic is always miserable for the loved ones...read the stickies and see the patterns of the behaviors you have described.

they swoop in all charming and sweet and once you start noticing the big holes and issues you become a drag on the party so they swap you off for thier next victim....

seriously... read the stickies at the beginning of this forum and you will find it eye opening.

So sorry he has hurt you .... hang in there.

Confused2020

Thank you. I will check them out.

Oh yeah, I definitely dodged a bullet. I just find his behaviour odd considering how everything was until he had to be accountable and just apologize for a stupid thing he did. It’s pretty unreal. It’s also interesting that his biggest fear in life is being like his alcoholic dad who wasn’t really around while he was growing up...and he’s stonewalling me completely.

trailmix

Hi confused, glad you found SR.

You mentioned as his drinking increased you and he sat down and talked about it and he said he was going to cut down (alcoholics cannot moderate as you have seen, they are either drinking or not, there is nothing in-between when a person is addicted).

You get this text from a woman and you are surprised but not shocked. He starts randomly disappearing for days or weeks.

Why were you not shocked? I wonder if you have asked yourself this question. Did you expect horrible behaviour from him?

I'm also sure he loved you but with that come responsibility, that's true in all relationships. Obviously when things started to get REALLY real (even before the pregnancy) he started to run. He wants to be the life of the party, he wants to drink and do coke and have "fun", he doesn't want a domestic life.

Maybe it's all the alcohol, maybe he is just a jerk that covers that up with alcohol, there is absolutely no way to tell because he is an active alcoholic. He is not two people, the good guy and the not so good guy, that is just "him". He hasn't mentioned anything about getting help, so that's pretty much off the table, he would have to make that decision for himself.

Drugs will always come number one on the list of importance to an addict. Men and women leave their wives, husbands, children, babies every day to pursue their addiction.

I also recommend you find out as much as you can about alcoholism, you might find these threads helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

I hope you will keep posting.

Confused2020

I was surprised but not shocked because his whole story has always been “woe is me”. Terrible relationships, they’re all crazy, he’s never cheated but has been cheated on blah blah blah, but there’s never been any accountability. So that was a red flag. I told him that he’s extremely insecure and needs constant validation, which he agreed with.

When I confronted him about the text, he disappeared for a week. What a way to reassure me that all is fine and that he’s not a scumbag. Then when he resurfaced and I found out I was pregnant, he disappeared for a day citing he just wanted to get drunk. Then came over on Sunday to chat and I asked him if he’s been talking to or seeing anyone and he of course denied this (but at this point, it doesn’t matter because I don’t trust him). And I haven’t seen or spoken to him since Sunday.

I feel that he knows I will not keep the baby but will play the victim and tell himself that he wanted me to keep it. Obviously his actions tell a different story.
I sound like a broken record, but I’m just absolutely floored at this immaturity and how he’s been acting to everything. I don’t know this guy.

I will definitely keep posting. I don’t want this situation to mess me up. I hope that it doesn’t scar me or make me mistrust all men.

LumenandNyx

Hi,

You wrote a lot, but I'll reply to this "I don’t have experience dealing with alcoholics...is this how they act?"

Yes. That's how we act.

He's in the middle of an intoxicating relationship with alcohol and drugs right now. Nothing else is a priority for him and he is not sane.

I'm sorry.

Confused2020

Thank you. Is he cognizant of the trail of hurt that he’s left? I gather that he is and feels bad so he numbs with more alcohol and drugs so that he can’t feel or deal with much. I’m surprised that he’s able to go to work every day.

trailmix

I hope not too and that's where taking care of yourself comes in. A support group like Al Anon might be helpful to you, also posting when you feel like it to get support. It can be difficult to discuss these relationships with people who are not familiar with alcoholism.

He sounds horribly unreliable and you are absolutely right not to trust anything he says at this point. Actions, not words. You may be right about him dealing with his own guilt (if he is in fact sober long enough to feel any) by convincing himself that he really did want this child.

With alcoholics, although they may not be drinking or drunk today, for instance, that doesn't even mean they are "sober", long term/heavy drinking actually changes the brain, so they guy you know as sober, probably isn't even that really. His erratic behaviour is not surprising, you can be pretty sure he doesn't even have a good grip on what he is doing or the consequences of decisions he seems to be making. His focus is the drinking.

For instance you mention him taking off for a week after you confronted him about the texting. That probably seemed pretty logical to him. Stay, and endure your wrath or go out and get hammered for a week.

He perhaps, showed you the best of what he had to offer in that first - almost a year - but he can't continue to hold on to that presentation. Trying to be the upright guy can be tough when the "fun" (translation - alcohol) is over there somewhere. I suppose he tried, he probably would like to have somewhat of a normal life with a nice partner and all that entails but has realized that he's not ready for any of that.

As for the baby, that is entirely in your court. He (as you mentioned) can't be trusted at this point and it's too important a decision for him to have any input perhaps?

trailmix

I don't mean to imply that all alcoholics are the same, they aren't but there are similarities. One of those things is being good at something, being responsible at something. Work provides him with some sense of normalcy no doubt and also you can't buy drugs and alcohol with no money. Also as you mentioned, that's where his drinking buddies are.

"Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress".

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

SparkleKitty

Who knows if he is cognizant of the hurt he's caused. Maybe? Only he knows that for sure. It's true he numbs himself with alcohol, but trying to ascribe WHY he does that will get you nowhere fast. I found it has always been better to accept that other people are the way they are and not really concern myself with why. All that does is distract me from the real question, which is Can I have someone who is this way in my life right now? Knowing that nothing I do will change them, will my boundaries allow for that? Most of the time the answer is no. That doesn't mean I don't have compassion for their situation, but it does mean I won't be putting myself in a position to suffer the consequences of their actions.

FallenAngelina

Great responses already here and so I just want to highlight this part.

Whether this situation messes you up, scars you or leads you to mistrust men, is entirely up to you, not up to him. You have many choices here regarding what to do and how to think. These choices are all yours. You have choices about the best actions and the best thoughts that lead you forward on your path of continued health. He has absolutely zero power to take those choices from you. Your choices are yours - every single day for as long as you live.

salt740

I hope I did the quote right... Yes, I remember my ex telling me the exact same thing, and I thought, ok but me too. I've also only had terrible relationships with crazy people and I've been cheated on, so this can't be a red flag if I'm the same way. But you can also be a red flag to yourself so to speak. Before getting into a new relationship, I should have really examined my "bad" relationship luck and done serious work to reverse my attraction to this category of damaged people. Like FallenAngelina says, these are choices we make. I had tunnel vision for people who could give me that "love" high, who would make me feel like we were the only two people in the world — everything you're describing about your situation. Healthy relationships shouldn't give us a high. Healthy partners don't have this relationship track record. It's good for me to hear your story because it's kind of like the potential future I almost had with my ex. I also thought I was pregnant towards the end and was excited but at my core absolutely terrified. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a single mom if you're able to support yourself financially. Single moms are some of the best parents out there. With at least one emotionally available parent in the equation, a child can have a very healthy upbringing. But I would recommend denying this guy contact with your child until he is in full-throttle active recovery.

LumenandNyx

No. He's probably only aware of how his body feels while it's/he's saturated or when he's/his body is in withdrawal. Intoxicated or feeling as though we need more substances. That's what we feel. He and his body are pretty much one and the same thing. He is smothered by his drug and alcohol use. These substances are saturating everything about him - coursing through his system. And when they're not - he's in withdrawal and extremely sick. You cannot look to him for reason or reasonable behavior and expect sanity. That's insanity on your part once you know that he's just - - - - unavailable. I know how awful this is to read - but the man you love is deeply buried underneath drugs and alcohol. Until he 'AIRS OUT' buy not drinking or using - there's not much you can do but set boundaries for yourself and work on your own health/sanity.

Confused2020

Agreed. He told me that his drinking problem was really bad 2-3 years ago and that he tried to commit suicide twice, but that has since gotten better. Riiiight. I think what would happen is that he would get into relationships, often with other addicts, and it would get crazy, one of them would leave and then he was off to the next one. This is the first time in a long time that he has his own place, usually he’d move in with his exes shortly after meeting them...so I had no way of knowing how much he was drinking when he was at his place. This job also has made things worse because he isn’t capable of saying no. He can’t. I get that. He needs help, but I’m not equipped to help someone who doesn’t even want to get help.

Yes, insanely unreliable. Getting messed up comes first.

Confused2020

Thank you. I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond.

Confused2020

You are 100% correct. That being said, it’s hard to suddenly just focus on myself when just two weeks ago we were talking about starting a family and future plans. But he’s shown me who he is...all I can do is believe him.

Confused2020

Thank you. I appreciate this.

Confused2020

I’m sorry you had to go through something similar.
I haven’t had terrible relationships before and didn’t consider this “bad” until he ghosted two weeks ago and his subsequent actions since then or lack thereof have been very surprising (to me but I know they’re not to anyone else who has dealt with an addict).

There is absolutely nothing wrong with single moms and I know that, at this time, I’m better of raising the kid without him, but I don’t want a child that bad to knowingly struggle (and I would struggle financially by myself).