Freshstart1111

Just wondering the odds of someone entering recovery. How many of you have detached or left and the alcoholic goes on into recovery? I just want to have hope that, for their sake, there is hope that many (?) of them do eventually “see the light”. Because it is so sad to watch them when they don’t see it.

SparkleKitty

My mother went to rehab, and she stopped drinking, but that's where her journey ended. It didn't even approach "recovery".

I still hear occasionally that my XABF keeps looking for a way to moderate. But he hasn't been in any part of my life for the last thirteen years, so I couldn't say for sure.

The most important thing to me ended up being that *I* got into recovery.

dandylion

Freshstart-----after many years of denial, my adult son did enter into recovery. I had to completely detach from him as a "nurturing mother" type. I suffered many more years than I had to---while I struggled with trying to get him to see the light. Ironically, I was the one who had to see the light---I had to stop arguing with him about going to AA---I had to tell him that he could not ever live in my house---that he could not visit my house unless totally sober---that I would not rescue him from any consequences of his drinking---
I love him very much and we had always had a good, close relationship as he was growing up.
I did, finally, apologize to him for my enabling him (unknowingly) and, promised him that I would never enable him again.
I have not ever had an alcoholic romantic partner....but, I HAVE detached from and left romantic partners (and one husband) when the relationship was not working out.
I can tell you that detaching from a child is very different from detaching from a romantic partner/spouse.

In my professional capacity, I have worked with many many alcoholics.
I don't think that this forum is representative of the whole population of alcoholics. For the most part, those who come to this forum are in crisis with their alcoholic----and, the majority have struggles with their alcoholic for years and years. Sometimes 20--30--40 or more years. Usually, there has been a lot of water under the bridge, and the alcoholic is in more advanced stages of their disease. Usually, quite a lot of damage has been done. While there is always hope, the road to entering recovery and repairing damage is longer and steeper.

If you were to look at the big picture of alcoholism---it is likened to a long elevator ride---and the alcoholic person has the opportunity to step off of that elevator at any floor. Worldwide---there are millions who decide to quit alcohol at the first---early indications that it is interfering with their life. Some do it to save their marriage or to avoid hurting their children, etc. Some do it after they have lost their job or had a medical scare.
You will not see any of these stories on this forum or see them included in any statistics. However, you can find them in AA meetings, around the world. And, their spouses are too busy living life to come here to post---lol/

I cannot emphasize how much differences there are among people (including alcoholics). The course of the disease is very predictable---but individual people---not so much.

LumenandNyx

I'm not sure anyone could truthfully answer that.

That said - there's always room for hope in our hearts. No matter how small the space.

The "light" that you mention is available to everyone. Some of us never see it, but many of us do.

ErinGoBragh

I detached and then I moved out. I left it up to my husband as to whether or not he got into recovery. By the time I left, I was focused on saving myself from the insanity. Thankfully, I did. Unfortunately, my husband was found dead five years after I left, another victim to the disease of alcoholism.

FallenAngelina

Just clarifying that the way you're (and the responders so far) are using "detach" is very different than the "detach with love" that Alanon recommends. You (and most people) are equating detaching with emotionally closing off to someone and that is very different than the process of detachment from emotional enmeshment. Freedom from emotional enmeshment is essential for every healthy relationship and learning how to detach with love is a process that all of us learn if we want harmonious relationships, no matter who the person is. "Detach with love" is not a way station or a stop gap measure for a difficult situation, it is a lifestyle. It's a way of loving (a way that is new for many of us) that allows us and others to live in freedom and to experience what true love is all about.

velma929

I can tell you about an experience with a colleague and I had.
She had been in recovery for a few years and had decided it was time to be a sponsor for someone else. I asked her if it was hard because some people must relapse. She informed me that most relapse, some of them several times before they achieve long lasting sobriety.

She only worked with us a few months. She left to return to school. That didn't last, and she has lived several places and done several things since leaving. One day last fall she came in and spoke with the boss privately. He shared some weeks later that the private talk was about her offering amends, because part of the time she was working for him, she was actively drinking. We didn't know.

Booze was not her original drug of choice. Her addiction started by writing her own scripts working in a doctor's office.

Missyfromkc

For me personally- the hope has been more about MY journey. My alcoholic/sex addict does not currently have any sobriety. Because of the very nature of his addictions- it did force me out of the home. (Even with a program- I couldn’t stay and entertain prostitutes and girlfriends). I’m still in contact. I tell him I love him; I don’t love what he’s doing. But I work my program. That has given me more than enough hope. He may never get better. That doesn’t mean I can’t.

SoloMio

I have learned that very little, if anything, I could do could facilitate AH's recovery. He once had 4 years sober. His sobriety was triggered by one hurtful remark he hurled at my then-18 year-old son. It led to a wonderful 4-year period that ended when my youngest went to college.

The only other times he's been sober have been equally random. Every time I think "Well, that has to be his bottom," he drinks more. OTOH, some days he'll begin a tortuous week of detox, for no real reason known to me. Over the past couple of years, he's been sober over the winter, but drinks in the summer.

He's been "in recovery" only a couple of those times. Once he went to rehab when my kids were very small. It stuck for a short time, and to this day he tells people that rehab "worked" because he stopped doing cocaine. The other time was when he surrendered and an AA friend took him to detox. He got his 90 day chip and the next week relapsed--at his grandson's 1st birthday party.

Alcoholism is nothing if not unpredictable.

silentrun

That's sad he relapsed at four years. It's pretty easy at that stage but a person still needs to be on guard. The reason I responded to this post was that you said a hurtful remark to his son triggered sobriety. My sobriety was triggered by my 16-year-old daughter. She had gotten really drunk at a school dance. I was so worried this would lead to her having a problem because she was so drunk and she didn't throw up. I had to build my tolerance for years to be able to drink like that. I thought she maybe had the "gene". Then I watched in horror as my mind switched and all I cared about was how this was going to affect my drinking. My mind started making plans on how to minimize the situation so my own drinking wouldn't be looked at. I was willing to sacrifice my own daughter to alcohol. That's when I knew I had to come clean. She's 23 now and not a drinker.