LumenandNyx

If t here was ever a time to stay on the selfish train it's during times that cause us extreme angst, worry, or dread.

Nothing and no one warrants being put in front of our sobriety.

Some folks might suggest that being unselfish and putting others first is sobriety in action. I call that bologna.

We were selfish drinkers and we need to be selfish with our sobriety - to protect it at all costs.

Nothing and no one is more important than sobriety because once we lose that - we lose everything else without even trying.

fini

there's nothing selfish about protecting one's sobriety if one feels it will be jeopardized.
often, i find there is no either/or, and the best way to take care of my sobriety is to be in "it's not about me" mental space.

nez

I get what you are saying. My take on it frames it a bit different, not better, not right, not more superior...just different.

definition of selfish
1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others

I personally strive not to be so excessively concerned with myself and my own advantage or pleasure, that I am devoid of regard for others. To me that seems to be exactly the same behavior that I exhibited in my active alcoholism. In order to get and stay sober, I needed to change my behavior, not just shift my selfishness onto a different focal point.

I certainly don't recommend automatically prioritizing the well being of others above my own well being, but neither do I recommend automatically prioritizing my well being above the well being of others. To me recovery is about balance, not extremes.

someday147

Yeah I find the same mental space helps my sobriety. Recovery can sometimes be selfish but not self centered.

awuh1

Protecting my sobriety is not at all selfish, because me + alcohol = harm to others (or at minimum a distinct danger).
For me its not either or. It's both and.

One of the best parts of sobriety is the benefits it brings to the lives of others.
That in turn benefits me, as long as its not my primary motivation.

Coldfusion

"Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you--until then."

Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 164

Fusion

My sobriety is not dependant upon bringing benefits to others, nor thinking of the well being of others, nor promoting the well being of others. My sobriety is just me, internal locus of control. If I care about and wish to promote the well being of others, it's entirely, utterly separate from my own wellbeing. Because it has to be, I cannot rely upon others for my sobriety, that would create an external locus of control - and place my sobriety at risk, if that support system failed.

Sober45

Amen.

brighterday1234

This is the absolute bedrock of sobriety and recovery in my experience. Sobriety has to always be no1 priority in an alcoholics life to stay sober.

DriGuy

I remember feeling that selfishness you are talking about, and I remember realizing I was not going to feel one bit of guilt about it, either. I was already into a few days of early sobriety, and I decided I wasn't going to listen to anyone that would put my sobriety at risk:

"Come on. You can come to the party with us, but you don't have to drink."

"Sorry, I've decided parties are out of bounds,at least for now. I'll tell YOU when I'm ready to go to a party, if ever."

I would not compromise on the "littlest" thing if my sobriety was at risk. It was going to be my way or the highway on this one issue. I'd compromise on other issues, but if I felt a risk, I was going to put my foot down, and if it bothered someone else, they would have to make the adjustment.

It was a good feeling too. Selfish? Yeah, maybe, whatever.

biminiblue

Seems a lot of people spend their lives trying to please others.

That behavior is only healthy when it's freely given and 100% not harmful to the one who is doing the giving.

I don't have to set myself on fire to keep someone else warm...

That is what caused me to become an alcoholic in the first place.

DriGuy

As it turned out, circumstances never came up that would call for this kind of confrontation. But I was ready for it if I needed to exercise that part of my plan. Just having a plan takes a lot of worry out of recovery, even if you never have to put it into play.

boreas

I wish I could like bimini’s post twice.

Plenny

This is the best thread. I like this perspective a lot. I think this is exactly what my ex is doing and it’s how I hope to feel too. It’s good. He’s going to learn to love himself and get to know his inner compass. It’s time I do the same

LarryF

Thanks for this post LumenandNyx. I can see where this needs to be applied in my life.

freedomfries

An important part of sobriety for me is repairing relationships I damaged in drinking. So being selfless and thinking of others. I was selfish when I was drinking and I don't want to be that way anymore.

DriGuy

Sobriety has to override unqualified selflessness. It's one of probably many issues where you must make choices that are in your own best interest regardless of the needs of others. Ultimately, you want to learn when to be selfless and when to be selfish. There is a place for both.