I made a mistake.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 208
I made a mistake.
So I decided for whatever reason that I could have a few beers at the weekends. After 18 months of total sobriety. What an idiot I was. That was back at the end of June.
Thought I could drink like others do. I did for a while but it has slowly crept back in and now this is the third Monday in a row when I am on day one again. The last two weeks I failed on the Friday evening and caved.
I dont want to drink, I dont enjoy it at all and it makes me feel like crap all the time. It is a waste of money and I hate it so much.
Not sure what else to say. I made a mistake and now I am struggling.
I know I can get stopped and stay stopped. I guess I just need to get it out there.
Why did I fail? I stopped coming here and with lockdown cant go to AA, although I never really bought into it. I guess I forgot how utterly destructive, painful and sickening drinking is. I have been well and truly reminded now.
I have realised (again) I cannot ever drink, not even one. It will only lead me to where I am now and I hate it.
I know I'll be fine by Wednesday evening. So if I get thoughts of drinking I will come here to read and post, to remind myself not to make the mistake again.
It is good that SR is such a great place to come to, thank you all for all the great posts. Please dont make the mistake I made.
Thought I could drink like others do. I did for a while but it has slowly crept back in and now this is the third Monday in a row when I am on day one again. The last two weeks I failed on the Friday evening and caved.
I dont want to drink, I dont enjoy it at all and it makes me feel like crap all the time. It is a waste of money and I hate it so much.
Not sure what else to say. I made a mistake and now I am struggling.
I know I can get stopped and stay stopped. I guess I just need to get it out there.
Why did I fail? I stopped coming here and with lockdown cant go to AA, although I never really bought into it. I guess I forgot how utterly destructive, painful and sickening drinking is. I have been well and truly reminded now.
I have realised (again) I cannot ever drink, not even one. It will only lead me to where I am now and I hate it.
I know I'll be fine by Wednesday evening. So if I get thoughts of drinking I will come here to read and post, to remind myself not to make the mistake again.
It is good that SR is such a great place to come to, thank you all for all the great posts. Please dont make the mistake I made.
Erica375
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: MA
Posts: 493
I have a friend who is an occupational therapist. She used to work at a psych hospital and she told me one of the therapists said in group, "Some mistakes are so much fun, we make them over and over again!"
And I thought, That's me and alcohol.
Hang in there. Keep trying!
And I thought, That's me and alcohol.
Hang in there. Keep trying!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
18 months is a very long stretch. It's amazing how our brains minimize the trauma of alcohol abuse as time goes on. That is why I will keep coming here. My resolve to stay sober is stronger now than it ever was (I'm 8 months sober).
One good thing is you know how to live sober. Sounds to me like you are ready to make this your final quit!
One good thing is you know how to live sober. Sounds to me like you are ready to make this your final quit!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Originally Posted by Phil71els 
Why did I fail?
Meetings, sponsors, groups, forums, friends, family, kids, walks, books, pets, drives, journaling, diet, avoidance, therapy, jail, treatment, yada yada yada - none of these things helped me stay sober.
I had to quit drinking. That was my answer.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
Many AA meetings have gone online, using Zoom and similar apps. I suggest you check your local group to see what is available. Here is just one listing of meetings out of thousands (near Seattle, GMT -7h):
https://eastsideaa.org/meetings/?tsml-type=ONL
https://eastsideaa.org/meetings/?tsml-type=ONL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
"Why did I fail?" Why do we fail? Why do they fail?
Speaking for myself, speaking from experiences learned
from 30 yrs sobriety/recovery, we are alcoholic with an
addiction.
I for myself who hasnt experienced a slip, a return to insanity
that comes from picking up that first drink, a relapse for a many
one days sober is because, I took the lessons taught to me in
a 30 day rehab stay with a 6 week outpatiant aftercare program
added to complete that first stage of my recovery.
Then with continuously incorporating steps, tools, knowledge
of a program of recovery in all areas of my life, building a strong
foundation to live up moving forward, I never had the need to
pick up a drink of alcohol.
Each day I remained sober, i surrounded myself with support
from others just like me in recovery meetings, listening, learning,
absorbing and apply helpful ways to deal with life situations that
i would have normally drank or numb myself over.
For each person that went out to test the waters, they reurned
to let me know that nothing had changed. That alcohol had made
their life worse, never better. That they picked up drinking exactly
where they left off.
Filled with regret, shame and guilt, hearing each person over
my 30 yrs sober, come back and share the same thing over
and over again, confirms to me that why would I ever want to
go back out and experience what they were experiencing once
they drank again.
How many folks have read hear of others going back out
and have returned sharing the same story?
I use what I read hear or heard in many meetings to help
me achieve continuous sobriety day after day. I dont need
nor want to go back to my addiction I left off of 30 yrs ago.
The only way I would do that would be because I cut off
my recovery lifelines and decided to take on this monster
alone or by myself. Let me just say, my monster has had
30 yrs of growing inside me. He was put to sleep or rest
yrs ago, but he didnt die. He, my addiction is there waiting
to be awaken.
Waiting patiently for me to slip up. To let my guard down.
To pick a time that I would be vunerable, weak to take advantage
and either drive me crazy, get me drunk or kill me.
Do I want any of those horrible things to happen to me
when my life of recovery and sobriety has granted me
so many wonderful amazing things in life.
Peace, serenity and freedom from my addiction today
is the biggest gift not to take for granted no matter what.
As long as I know alcohol is still flowing freely, still
causing so much destruction, I will hold on tightly to
my recovery lifelines and remain teachable and willing
to do whatever i need to do to protect them as my life
depends on them.
No one ever has to go back out if you, we us have
an addiction to alcohol or drugs. Never. Period.
This is how it worked and continues to work for me today.
Speaking for myself, speaking from experiences learned
from 30 yrs sobriety/recovery, we are alcoholic with an
addiction.
I for myself who hasnt experienced a slip, a return to insanity
that comes from picking up that first drink, a relapse for a many
one days sober is because, I took the lessons taught to me in
a 30 day rehab stay with a 6 week outpatiant aftercare program
added to complete that first stage of my recovery.
Then with continuously incorporating steps, tools, knowledge
of a program of recovery in all areas of my life, building a strong
foundation to live up moving forward, I never had the need to
pick up a drink of alcohol.
Each day I remained sober, i surrounded myself with support
from others just like me in recovery meetings, listening, learning,
absorbing and apply helpful ways to deal with life situations that
i would have normally drank or numb myself over.
For each person that went out to test the waters, they reurned
to let me know that nothing had changed. That alcohol had made
their life worse, never better. That they picked up drinking exactly
where they left off.
Filled with regret, shame and guilt, hearing each person over
my 30 yrs sober, come back and share the same thing over
and over again, confirms to me that why would I ever want to
go back out and experience what they were experiencing once
they drank again.
How many folks have read hear of others going back out
and have returned sharing the same story?
I use what I read hear or heard in many meetings to help
me achieve continuous sobriety day after day. I dont need
nor want to go back to my addiction I left off of 30 yrs ago.
The only way I would do that would be because I cut off
my recovery lifelines and decided to take on this monster
alone or by myself. Let me just say, my monster has had
30 yrs of growing inside me. He was put to sleep or rest
yrs ago, but he didnt die. He, my addiction is there waiting
to be awaken.
Waiting patiently for me to slip up. To let my guard down.
To pick a time that I would be vunerable, weak to take advantage
and either drive me crazy, get me drunk or kill me.
Do I want any of those horrible things to happen to me
when my life of recovery and sobriety has granted me
so many wonderful amazing things in life.
Peace, serenity and freedom from my addiction today
is the biggest gift not to take for granted no matter what.
As long as I know alcohol is still flowing freely, still
causing so much destruction, I will hold on tightly to
my recovery lifelines and remain teachable and willing
to do whatever i need to do to protect them as my life
depends on them.
No one ever has to go back out if you, we us have
an addiction to alcohol or drugs. Never. Period.
This is how it worked and continues to work for me today.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Phil - I did that too. I had 3 yrs. sober. Decided I could have 'a glass' of wine once in a while. I don't need to tell you how it ended. The 'glass' was a whole bottle, then more the next day, etc. Off I went for years more of 'managed' drinking that was never, ever managed. I outdid myself that time - got a dui, lost the respect of everyone, developed health issues - and it was never even fun. The good thing that came out of it was -I finally became convinced that I couldn't touch a drop of the stuff. In my heart I knew that - I guess I just needed further proof.
I'm so glad you posted with your experience. Be proud of yourself for seeing what needs to happen. SR helps us to never feel alone - and you can do this.
I'm so glad you posted with your experience. Be proud of yourself for seeing what needs to happen. SR helps us to never feel alone - and you can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 208
Thanks for all the replies and advice I really appreciate it.
I will be staying close to SR and posting if I feel like I might be going to slip. I really dont think that will happen as I have had enough now. I realise I cannot do it at all.
I've wasted the last 2.5 months although I guess maybe this was a lesson I needed to push through to permanent sobriety.
I will be staying close to SR and posting if I feel like I might be going to slip. I really dont think that will happen as I have had enough now. I realise I cannot do it at all.
I've wasted the last 2.5 months although I guess maybe this was a lesson I needed to push through to permanent sobriety.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
A lot of what goes on here is posting long before we feel a slip coming on. Here's some good threads to join:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7513843 (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 501)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-2-a-2.html
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7513843 (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 501)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-2-a-2.html
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 259
Congratulations on your recovery and recognizing a slip up will only get worse over time.
I have a little over a year of sobriety and I haven't been tempted to go back to drinking.
Right now, if I were to think of taking a drink, Id have to ask myself what the alcohol is adding to my life that Im missing. Is it that I can only relax with alcohol, have fun with alcohol, etc. And then Id have to look at what I need to work in in my sober life to fill that void that Im trying to do with alcohol. Maybe I need to reuse my coping skills i did early in my sobriety. Maybe I need to go back to being consciously grateful or praying in the morning like I did when I first stopped drinking. It could be I am taking on a lot at work and quit exercising to relieve stress like in my early sobriety days. And so on and so forth.
At this point, I would have to prioritize alcohol as something I wanted to be in my life and work to make it a part of my life by neglecting the things Im doing in sobriety. For instance, I know Im going to drink for several hours starting at night and likely be hungover the next days. That means Ill have to give up my sober evenings and the next day to make space for alcohol. And Id have to ask myself, Why?
I have a little over a year of sobriety and I haven't been tempted to go back to drinking.
Right now, if I were to think of taking a drink, Id have to ask myself what the alcohol is adding to my life that Im missing. Is it that I can only relax with alcohol, have fun with alcohol, etc. And then Id have to look at what I need to work in in my sober life to fill that void that Im trying to do with alcohol. Maybe I need to reuse my coping skills i did early in my sobriety. Maybe I need to go back to being consciously grateful or praying in the morning like I did when I first stopped drinking. It could be I am taking on a lot at work and quit exercising to relieve stress like in my early sobriety days. And so on and so forth.
At this point, I would have to prioritize alcohol as something I wanted to be in my life and work to make it a part of my life by neglecting the things Im doing in sobriety. For instance, I know Im going to drink for several hours starting at night and likely be hungover the next days. That means Ill have to give up my sober evenings and the next day to make space for alcohol. And Id have to ask myself, Why?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Hey Phil71els--I am glad you're back. I had a big problem with complacency and drank after 15 years of sobriety, thinking that I knew how to handle a drink or two and not let it get out of hand--needless to say, this was a very big mistake. It led me to some horrible, humiliating, self-destructive, and life-threatening experiences that I consider myself very fortunate to have emerged from in one piece. I hope you post here before picking up again--SR remains a huge part of my recovery; I have 4 years 9 months of sobriety and still stop by here several times a day--I need to be reminded not to let my guard down. It is good that you've realized that you can't drink, and I wish you all the best on your sober journey.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hi Phil,
yes, drinking when we don’t want to...been there, done that. drinking after deciding not to. blahblahblah.
i noticed you twice mentioned you would come and post if you felt in danger. my own experience points to a much stronger engagement than that being indicated for me: to not wait til i potentially sense i’m in possible peril, but to get really engaged in activities that focus on recovery. for me, at the beginning, that was daily participation in an online venue, tons of reading about how others stayed sober longterm, making. onscious choices about where to go and where not to go, and a weekly secular recovery meeting.
no idea if i “needed” all that, or “need” that now, but i do know that before i did those things, i did not stay sober for any length of time.
waiting til we sense peril and then acting may or may not be enough, but the chances of building a strong foundation that is not vulnerable to peril can be much increased by being more active when there is no discernible peril.
yes, drinking when we don’t want to...been there, done that. drinking after deciding not to. blahblahblah.
i noticed you twice mentioned you would come and post if you felt in danger. my own experience points to a much stronger engagement than that being indicated for me: to not wait til i potentially sense i’m in possible peril, but to get really engaged in activities that focus on recovery. for me, at the beginning, that was daily participation in an online venue, tons of reading about how others stayed sober longterm, making. onscious choices about where to go and where not to go, and a weekly secular recovery meeting.
no idea if i “needed” all that, or “need” that now, but i do know that before i did those things, i did not stay sober for any length of time.
waiting til we sense peril and then acting may or may not be enough, but the chances of building a strong foundation that is not vulnerable to peril can be much increased by being more active when there is no discernible peril.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 208
So it is now day 2 for the third week in a row. Which is fine as I mean to make this the last time I quit. I made 18 months last time around, I think with a bit of tweaking I can do this permanently once and for all.
From all the advice given I think the most common theme is to not wait until I think I might be in danger of slipping before posting and this makes total sense. I have realised that keeping fresh in my mind the hell that is drinking and the pain it brings is key. I will try to read and post in some form every day. Connecting with others will be a good thing.
Also making sure I am constantly aware what I have to lose and remembering the steps I took at the beginning of sobriety last time will keep me straight. Once I get a couple of weeks under my belt I hope that things will be much steadier.
From all the advice given I think the most common theme is to not wait until I think I might be in danger of slipping before posting and this makes total sense. I have realised that keeping fresh in my mind the hell that is drinking and the pain it brings is key. I will try to read and post in some form every day. Connecting with others will be a good thing.
Also making sure I am constantly aware what I have to lose and remembering the steps I took at the beginning of sobriety last time will keep me straight. Once I get a couple of weeks under my belt I hope that things will be much steadier.
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