Bent4455

One thing that I am noticing in being sober is you can see just how much alcohol interferes with your past life. Right now I am seeing how, if I would have been sober, how I could have been a better father, husband, worker family person etc and makes me feel guilty for lost years and times. Have any of you ever felt this way? If so how did you deal with it?

aasharon90

Absolutely agree with where you are coming from and
know exactly how you feel. We get sober and start to
look at past behavior before, during and after alcohol
or drug addiction.

How it affected us while under the influence of a toxic
substance that affects every ounce of our beings and
those around us.

We now realize the impact of our behaviors and guilt,
shame, regrets, resentments all come to surface wondering
how do I repair the damage of that behavior.

First, no one is alone in this because every one of us
has either been there, done that same similar things as
you.

We learn how to remain sober first, then we begin to
make our amends properly as to not hurt or harm another.
Done rush to make those amends. Make your list of those
you harmed or crossed, see where you were at fault in
that situation and seek guidance as to approach them
correctly.

Once you completed this task, continue on your recovery
life not repeating those awful behaviors down the road.

Don't expect everyone to accept your apologies. Taking
this step will strengthen you as a person to not repeat old
behavior and this will allow family, friends, workers see
the person you are becoming.

As long as you do what is right and remain sober living
an honest way of life then the light will illuminate from you
as the person you are striving to be.

Guilt, shame, regrets, resentments will lighten on your
shoulders and you will be filled with love, kindness, strength,
care, understanding in your heart, mind and soul.

Forgiving yourself will be one of those strong building
blocks you will add to your recovery foundation to live
upon for yrs to come.

Cityboy

Most, if not all of us have felt that way, and still do to a lesser extent. The longer you are sober, the better you will be able to process those feelings.

DriGuy

Yes, I felt similar guilt, but it was never as bad as the guilt I felt while I was drunk or the day after a drunk. But then I've felt guilty for something or other ever since I was a little kid. So guilt over the things I did as a drunk tend to be water under the bridge. I can look at them with a bit of relief, knowing I don't have to do those things again. I may do other stupid things, and I will feel guilty about them too. Maybe even more guilty.

This relates to fears in my life. My biggest fear about doing stupid things, are not the stupid things of the past, but the stupid things I may do in the future. I don't know what they might be, but I'm fairly confident that they won't be as stupid as my drunk stupid stuff. If they are, I'm going to feel some serious guilt about that, but I'll handle it.

DriGuy

I got to thinking about this, and 15 minutes after that last post, it occurred to me that this is where making amends comes in. That's not an apology. Drunks apologize for their stupid behavior all the time, but the guilt is still there. Amends are changes in behavior, and that behavior is the polar opposite of the stupid behavior you feel guilty about. The stupid thing you did will forever remain a stupid thing no matter what you do, but an amends is not doing it again. I have actually made some amends that never included an apology, but I could tell from the reaction of the other person, the amends meant much more to them, even though I never told them I was making an amends. An actual amend is that powerful. It means something. It's not just words. My amends have actually absolved that guilt I felt about most of the stupid things I've done, because I know that I now have a tool to prevent doing them again. And that tool is "amending" my behavior.

Hodd

Every day alas.

I wasted ten years of my life and my wife’s by putting alcohol first.

We can’t change what’s already happened, but there is a huge silver lining for us as ex-drinkers. We can really appreciate what we have, e.g. hopefully our health, and enjoy our lives.

The best way to feel less guilty is not to drink and just be nice to everyone.

Bent4455

Thanks all for the great insights.

Sober45

I had tremendous guilt over parenting my now 18 yr old daughter who still has mental health issues. BUT, I’m almost 9 months sober now and I’ve been a strong parent since I stopped drinking. So now I have Something to feel good about. We have to build up a sober past filled with right actions toward the ones we love. The guilt is fading but I think there may always some of it there...which is good since it helps me stay sober.

Anna

I felt enormous guilt and shame when I stopped drinking. I couldn't believe what had become of me, that I had made such horrible choices. I eventually began journaling, hoping to get rid of the feelings by writing down the words. And, it helped. Forgiving yourself may take some time and it may not happen all at once. But, one thing I know for sure, is that the guilt and shame will send you back to the bottle, if you let those feelings overwhelm you.

RecklessDrunk

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with it.

Some things are going really well but some things are going to be a difficult struggle. Some of my dreams aren't going to come true. They are just that though, MY dreams. The way I thought life should be.

I pray, breathe, meditate and get back to sleep knowing I am where God wants me to be. Things happen for a reason. Our road of excess has led us to the palace of wisdom.

Like a few drinks use to do for me, trust in my creator allows me not to regret the past and fear the future so much.

D122y

The healing process, brain getting used to normal, will make things seem worse. Past, present, or future. The symptoms of drug addiction (booze included) can be treated with various drugs. Some of these drugs are the same as for depression and being insane.

I was not totally confident that I would totally normalize after quitting. If I had not found SR I am sure I would have ended up relapsed or going to the Doc for meds...or both.

AA talks about working the steps etc. I didn't do AA for long because I realized my brain needed time to get used to normal.

From day 1 I could feel things getting better, but it was a slow process. So slow in fact that I am still healing and suffering.

Nothing like day 1 obviously, but suffering and craving nonetheless.

A gift I have gotten is that since I have gotten clean, my natural melatonin production has ramped up to a level I never experienced since I was a little kid. I started drinking as a 2 year old when Dad thought it was cool to get me drunk.

The melatonin hangover I get every morning feels exactly like a booze hangover. Of course it goes away in a few minutes and I feel ready to begin my day. This feeling used to last until I drank again. Imagine feeling hungover until you drink again. Talk about a living hell.

Kindling.

That hangover is one of the many many gifts being normally clean offers. I pray I will be able to use this reminder until the day I die of what is in store for me if I ever drink a drop of booze again. I hate hate hate the stuff.

The only way out was suffering and time.

Suffering and time.

Hope this helps. Happy Sunday!

Thanks for the therapy.

LumenandNyx

Hi,

The only way I know how to deal with most things is to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Nothing behind me can ever be undone.

Hodd

The things we did would be laughable if they weren’t so tragic. Just a mild example, I used to buy my 4 cans a night which cost £4 along with a bottle of Gaviscon for £8 to deal with my nighttime acid reflux caused by the beer I’d drink! That’s madness. I don’t have any guilt about that example, but it’s ridiculous.

And then there was only going to places if there would be alcohol available. My wife has never drunk alcohol. How tedious can that have been? Holidays ruined as I’d throw a tantrum about nothing as I was half drunk or hungover.

But I mentioned on another thread a friend of a friend who’s recently been diagnosed with alcohol-related cirrhosis. It looks like a transplant is his only option, and his wife has become his carer. That level of guilt is on another level to anything I put my wife through. By luck, willpower or whatever, I stopped before I got ill. I already had a fatty liver (now cleared up) so I’d reached the first stage of liver disease. A few more years, and I’d really have been kicking my wife while she was down. That really scares me, but I’m glad for her sake (and mine) that I quit.

least

I often remember the guilt I felt when first getting sober and regretting the stupid and hurtful things I did while drinking.

I can't change the past but I can change my behavior and attitude so I never do those things again.

C0ntr0ls

I can't change the past only now and down the road.

I'll glance in the rear-view mirror on occasion but spend the rest looking out front.

This doesn't mean I don't care or have regrets.

Wastinglife

The guilt/shame of the utter destruction I caused was unbearable to the point I drank more alcohol to deal with it. I damaged relationships, friendships, family that will never recover.

However, the most damage by far was to myself. Still picking up the pieces of my shattered life. I don't think I will ever really recover and have trouble forgiving myself. I will keep trying though.

Hevyn

Hi Bent. You're not alone - one of the best things about SR is that we can share these feelings. As Anna mentioned, it can lead us back to drinking if we dwell on negativity. In the early days of being sober the painful thoughts were very hard to handle - but they began to fade as I grew stronger. I don't ever want to forget entirely the wreckage caused by my drinking - but I focus on my current life & all the good years ahead. I realize the drunk me bears no resemblance to the real me.

wehav2day

Hi Bent,

thank you for posting. The truth is, when I stopped drinking, I felt soul crushing guilt. I would feel so buried under that guilt that I went back to drinking to stop obsessing over said guilt.

Then I sobered up and stayed that way. And slowly but surely, I started to like myself again. When I started to like myself again, I built up a bank of things I felt good about. I did the AA steps, which taught me where I needed to make amends and how to make them.

Those promises are true. With sober time, everything gets better. Guilt diminishes and you do better things, become a better person. In most cases, with recovery, we become better people than we were before the drinking started.

Keep at it, it’ll get better.

sortofhomecomin

I don't have much guilt, as the things done to me were far far worse than anything I did. I will acknowledge I feel some guilt over the many times I drove drunk but I don't wallow in it. Bear in mind many of us have underlying mental illness in addition to alcoholism.

Be123

Im coming up 7 months sober and I'm in transition. I feel guilty, I feel remorse, I feel regret - but I'm moving forward away from them.

But for me, going through a challenging (and often confrontational) therapeutic intervention has made a huge difference. I understand why I made the choices I did, everything was my responsibility but a lot of it out of my control in my limited understanding at the time. I'm learning to forgive myself, go easier on myself as a flawed human being. I've ****** some stuff up right royally - but I'm an alright bloke.

Id recommend taking on some help, whether that be AA or therapy or another approach. I hear people say a lot that guilt dragged them back to the bottle - no no no no NO!