RedheadJen

Hey guys, I'm on day 16 today. I really need your help. My husband and I have been getting along for the last two weeks. Thing is, I have his support and he is there for me, but I can't shake this AV. Basically for 2 weeks, I've been doing this based on willpower alone. I dont work currently because of the covid, I dont have a counselor for personal reasons and I have my sister and husband for support, neither of which has experienced an an addiction. And my husband despises the topic of alcohol, understandably, because he's lived through 13 years of hell with my addiction.
My husband has always been my enabler, I've always been able to convince him, just once more chance with the alcohol. During my last break from alcohol, he is the one that offered it back to me even though (if you look back on my previous posts, I've been struggling with alcoholism for years). This time is different, he has said no for the final time. There is no going back and while I know it's the right thing, but it still sucks. Alcohol has been my crutch, my go to for many many years.
I had a weak moment this morning and asked him if there was any chance of getting my drinks back eventually (I know, huge weak moment ) and of course he said no.
I am having such a hard time letting go and I know that it's for the better,obviously. When I get weak moments, I have been trying to block them immediately, I dont want them in my head. Problem is, I'm in the exact same situation as before I quit. Before, I would be able to reward myself with a drink and now it's gone and I still have all the every day daily stressors. The alcohol hasn't been yet replaced with the Joy's of sobriety and I want that so bad. I also know that you cant move on with your new life until you've said goodbye to your old one. I know all this so why do I keep wanting to go back. Yes in part because that's all I know. I just feel so alone, scared and dont know how to do better based on willpower alone. I just want to feel better
Edited to add that I believe part of the problem is that I feel like I'm being treated like a child even though being sober has been on my mind heavily for particularly the last year or so. I dont like feeling like I'm not in control. Also, my husband and I were discussing my alcoholism the other day and he said that, because of it, I'm not trustworthy, I get that, I own it. I'm trying to earn back his trust and I read that being strong in your sobriety is one of the first things you can do to earn a loved ones trust back and I keep screwing that up. There is just so much to this and I feel so vulnerable and weak

biminiblue

Well, you gave him your power.

Take it back and you'll feel like a real grown up. This is 100% on you to stay sober, you've tried to hand over the problem and that will lead to all kinds of new problems.


The white knuckling is pretty normal in the beginning, so is the incessant chattering of the party goblin.

dpac414

Agree with what Bim said above. That feels like a bad situation to be in.

White knuckling is pretty normal, but I would also urge you to do more to support your recovery. Can you attend Zoom AA meetings? You can turn your camera off and change your name if you're worried about recognition, or go to one in an entirely different state. (that's what I love about the virtual ones). Can you listen to podcasts or get some recovery centric books? Also, gratitude is actually very helpful. Take some time in the mornings and/or evenings and come up with a list of five things you're grateful for that day. It's a great grounding technique that keeps you focused on that day and allows for some mindfulness.

Also, changing your routine is helpful for the early days. I'm really sorry covid put you out of work, that's really ******. Maybe try to take it as an opportunity to do more things? Try something new, a hobby, exercise routine, etc? I took a lot of long walks outside when I first got sober and still do when the weather allows.

These are just some things that really helped me in the first weeks and months of sobriety. You can take what you want from it or none at all; just my personal experience.

Keep posting here too and use our support. We're all here for you.

RedheadJen

What do you mean, take back the power? By staying sober?

Sober45

I feel for you right now. I'm not sure what the answer is but in my experience, when I finally quit, I had a plan to deal with the AV so I didn't spend any time listening to it...still don't.

What do you do to distract yourself and to replace the addiction? For me, consuming sugar and watching shows on how bad alcohol is was major (like Intervention).

Looking back, I can see now that sugar was probably the most important aid for me. I think because I was consuming a ton of sugar with the wine I drank. So by consuming sugar I wasn't going through alcohol and sugar withdrawals at the same time.

biminiblue

I mean that it is not your husband's responsibility to keep you sober or to decide if you "can" drink. Giving him your power like that is creating a dependency and a power imbalance that isn't healthy for you (or for him) and it can lead to that childlike feeling you are having.

It was no one's fault or responsibility that I drank and I had to own that.

SparkleKitty

Coming from the Friends and Family side of things, I might suggest you expand your support system beyond people who are very close to you. They can't really understand your addiction, and their personal feelings are very wrapped up in your past behavior. They have their own healing to do. Asking your husband to be responsible for choices you make around alcohol puts both of you in a very unhealthy position, and puts your sobriety at risk.

zoobadger

You need to surrender. Read and truly think about step one: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Everything was so much easier for me when I finally accepted step one and fully accepted the fact that alcohol is deadly for me, both physically and spiritually.

Do you have a copy of the Big Book? In early sobriety I found the stories comforting, relatable, and reassuring. Some of them are entertaining as well. Learning about others who were deep in despair and helpless but found a path forward gave me hope and inspiration.

Meetings are very helpful as well. Your husband is on board with abstinence, but only other drunks can truly understand how sobriety works.

You can do this. The abstinence and the willpower of early sobriety is challenging and even painful but there is truly a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow. The things that seem so insurmountable now will look very different if you can get through these challenging early weeks.

doggonecarl

What daily stressors? Talk them out.

I think your biggest stressor is your addiction. It wants to drink and will do everything it can to get you to drink. It's going to pull all the stops--tell you to reward yourself, drink to cope with daily stress, basically give in to the urge to drink.

Stay strong.

Be123

Hi redheadjen

Nothing to add to the great advice above, just my own experience - by week 10 (day 70) my emotions really began to calm down. The anxiety left me and my low mood lifted. I still have ups and downs - OF COURSE - but it was weeks 7-10 that I started feeling better.

Eat well. Exercise. Have sugary stuff at hand in case of cravings. Talk to us in here

You'll get there, it's science at the end of the day, your brain will create new balance if you do your bit and don't drink.

Hawkeye13

I think filling the void which used to be filled by hours of drinking and being drunk was the key to success for me. I took up yoga, read books, worked jigsaw puzzles, started trailrunning and hiking, meditation, etc.

Also, bim is dead-on about the power issue. Your husband is not your "keeper" who manages your booze. You need to really "own" that not drinking is a choice you are making for you, not for him and not because of or managed by him. That may not feel "true" just yet, as I recall part of your fear that led to the last quit was losing the marriage.

I also agree with him that you are not trustworthy about booze, at least this early in the quit. Neither was I--that's how I know and no judgement intended. You are in the hard part of things, as you are aware, and there is no way to shortcut this except get through it.

I found a journal invaluable at this stage. I vented, reflected, analyzed, and just spilled all about my addiction, my past, my future hopes, my present suffering mourning the loss of my favorite friend and crutch, alcohol. As time passed, I realized it was no friend at all and never had been. I knew that intellectually for a long time, but never allowed myself to feel the visceral truth of it.

All I can tell you is as time passes and you make progress, sobriety is no cross to bear but a joy to embrace. I never thought I would prefer not drinking to drinking, but I truly do now.

Have hope and tighten your belt. You can do this Jen.

LumenandNyx

"Really struggling.....I just can't "get it"

Yes, actually you can get it. You just don't want to.

You post here all the time and while I do understand where you're at - I've been there numerous times - it isn't necessary. You don't have to keep going through this.

Once you accept that alcohol and drinking are no longer an option for you - this drama will all but melt. When you AV realizes it has nothing to argue with or argue for - it shuts up. It does this because it hopes that at some point - you'll weaken. It's very sneaky this way. The little ****.

You don't drink.
Now - go. Get on with your life. Go do cool stuff.

shortstop81

I didn't believe I'd ever really "get it" either. I struggled with recovery for years before getting lasting sobriety. I'm not saying your journey will be as long as mine, but just that it doesn't always feel like an epiphany for everyone.

I also remember that desperate feeling of wanting to be forgiven and trusted again by my spouse. That need for immediate absolution, because this time I "meant it." But it just simply wasn't realistic. I couldn't be trusted in early sobriety. I NEEDED to be treated like a child for a time, because of recent behaviour and a true lack of good judgement on my part.

Only now after a year sober has my wife said to me on a few occasions: "I'm so proud of you." "You've come so far." And just this past week for the first time she said to me "I trust you." I swear, that last one touched my heart, because she wouldn't say it unless she sincerely meant it.

So, yes. It took a long time. But that's just the way it needed to be. I know that if I drink, I lose everything I've been working so hard for. Regaining my dignity and rebuilding my relationship with my family has been the main driver of staying sober. Yet, it's still MY motivation driving the effort, and not because my spouse gives/denies permission to drink. She could turn around tomorrow and offer me a beer (hahaha never happening) and I wouldn't take it.

OP, you'll "get it" but it's still early stages. Do what you have to do to stay sober. As cliche as it sounds, it will eventually get easier and things will slowly get clearer.

Obladi

Jen, people will all give you advice based on what worked for them, as witnessed by the variety of responses here. What worked for me was to first off get sober, then to work, really hard, to find the "underlying causes and conditions" and to keep company with other people who understand and have experienced addiction. At the same time, it was essential for me to honor my true self, the one I'd been drowning in booze for years and years. I think all of the advice preceding my post is spot on for those who posted. It's up to you to decide what's right for you. Not what you want to do, not how you feel about it, but what is really and truly right for you?

I think a lot of us were infantilized by our own addictions. I agree that your first step is to take back your power - which really just means take responsibility for yourself. The decision to Not Drink Ever must be yours - no one else can make that decision for you. Leaving the door open to getting permission from someone else (anyone else) is giving up your power, not to mention an extremely handy loophole for your addiction to keep a hold of. As long as you hold out for being able to drink one day someday, you will be stuck.

Not sure what personal reasons would keep you from counseling, but I'd suggest rethinking that stance.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous does offer a (very roomy) solution, too. I've had to make the program work for me. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. What didn't work was passively donning the garb it seemed others were wearing and thinking it would work the same way for me.

I don't have the answer for you; you need to find your own. But lots of us have experience in lots of different ways, and we all want to help. Your first step, regardless of any approach, is to choose to Never Drink. Ever.

xo
O

tesquizito

RedheadJen, it took me many years of false starts and breaking promises to myself and others before I finally hit traction and found myself on the path to real, lasting sobriety. A few observations:

- If you joined in 2011 and are still having false starts, you're missing something somewhere. Either there has not been enough negative consequences, or you've given yourself permission to jump back on the party bus after short spurts of abstinence. For some reason you're not seeing enough reason to change to actually act on it with sustained effort.

- I'm going to bet that during these short spurts of abstinence, you basically allow your addictive voice to convince you that you can get away with "one more time"

- If you're doing this, you haven't conceded to your inner most self that to you CANNOT continue drinking/using, that you have a problem that is NOT going to go away unless you change some behaviors drastically, and quickly.

- If you do not do something in short order, it sounds like the proverbial poop may be hitting the fan. What sucks about this, is that decisions will be made FOR YOU, and without your consent. And that can really suck. You want to avoid this very real scenario.

I might suggest the following:

- Do something different. Try new approaches. If all you're using are online forums, it's clearly not enough. I know we're in the Covid age, but actually, there are now literally thousands of face-2-face online meetings daily. Both secular and non-secular programs. This is a great time to immerse yourself in a variety of programs and groups from the convenience or your own home.

- Keep an open mind. One thing I've learned is that everyone's recovery is different. There is no silver bullet. Most recovery requires the individual (you) explore and cover a lot of ground before you find the right blend of recovery that you have the most traction with.

- Entertain ideas and activities that are not comfortable. One of the reasons it took me so long (7 years) to finally get sober, was because I was unwilling to entertain certain programs, certain services, and certain activities that did not fit into my self-defined comfort zone (at the time I didn't even realize I was boxing myself in so much). At my moment of clarity, I gave in and began to listen to people I felt at odds with, and try new things. I did this mostly out of desperation, but it became a turning point for me.

- Understand and accept that sobriety will probably not look like how you expect it to be. If you think you know how this is going to down, you're most likely wrong, so get that out of your head. Put your head down, and get ready to do some work whether or not you see the results you're looking for right away.

- Obviously we're looking for sober time here. That is your metric to measure against. But be weary of trying something for a week or two and shrugging it off because you relapsed. Your mind will play tricks on you and make you think something isn't working when you're really just not applying yourself fully. Apply yourself fully to everything recovery-related.

- Long-term sobriety requires an equally long-term and SUSTAINED effort from you. Nobody will do this for you. You do this for you (nobody else). Don't give up. You can do this. I spent decades fortifying my addiction, and then 7 years stopping and starting again, kicking and screaming, bargaining with myself and others each time. I was pretty hopeless in my mind. I'm now coming up on 7 years of continuous sobriety and life is pretty damn amazing. Way better than anything I could have imagined.

Long road, big struggle, totally worth it :-)

BeABetterMan

Jen, so much to unpack here. Sounds like some codependency issues folded into your addiction. Your chances for success, I believe, will be greatly improved by adding AA or a counselor to your program. Your husband should have almost nothing to do you with your recovery.

Fusion

Hi Jen, welcome back! We can only offer our experiences, in the hope that something you read and take onboard this time, makes your quit stick. I tried to stop drinking for two decades. I had people in my life encouraging, or trying to force me to quit, to no avail. It was only when I decided that I wanted to quit for me, that the impetus to quit was born.

Jen, what benefits would quitting drinking bring you?

nez

I didn't think that I would ever get it. The strange thing is that I had "it" all along. I just didn't embrace it. I just kept running towards what I wanted instead of what I needed.

I was still the small child that I was growing up, who lived on a busy street, and was constantly told by my mother to stay away from the street, and yet the minute her back was turned...where was I? Oh yeah... I was running towards what I wanted, the danger and excitement of the street, ignoring the fact that everything I needed was in the backyard.

Years later as a seemingly hopeless alcoholic who didn't get it, desperation finally showed me to focus on what I needed. When I did that, I got what my authentic self wanted as opposed to what my false self(ego) wanted. I was no longer that small child who wanted what he wanted.

You can do this RedheadJen! It sounds like you are on the same hamster wheel that I was. Step off the wheel and focus on what your authentic self needs right now. The longer and more you can do, the more you will get what you truly want. I have faith in you RedheadJen, have faith in yourself!

RecklessDrunk

Some of the basics that I think may help.

Prayer, turning it over to a higher power. God doesn't give us more then we can handle. Live to serve God to serve others. Each of us have certain purposes.

Meditation, control your breathing and you control your heart, your brain, the most basic functions.

Gratitude, take time to think of what you have to be grateful for. Many people are suffering through all kinds of stuff. There are little kids suffering from cancer and other serious illnesses. People who have lost so much from drinking, homeless or in jail for causing a fatal wreck. Things could be so much worse. Be grateful for those things you do have and try and build on that.

Exercise, if our brain doesn't get enough physical stress it starts to create its own. At our expense. The human body is designed to run down prey and avoid predators. You need to physically keep the brain and body sort of tuned up. Helps with sleep and relaxing and all kinds of stuff.

Dee74

How are things now Jen?

D