Ekohe

Grateful for another day.

I am having a very hard time, last weekends relapse was a lot different then ones in the past. I had made a promise to my brother to get better after he took his own life, and felt like i broke that promise last weekend and have been beating the breaks off myself for the last week. I have remained sober and been to a meeting almost every night. I feel between the grief, anxiety, and dissapointment in myself I have been extremely overwhelmed. I wondered what my worth was, and how I deserve to be here and not him. I have changed that way of thinking, he loved me and saw something in me that I need to find for myself. With his last voice memo he said that his belief in me was absolute, and that he knew I often tried to sprint to whatever destination, be it recovery, or success, instead of taking it step by step at first which always called me to stumble. I can't really put into words the last month has been like for me other than heartbreaking. I had some success with grieving, but stopped reaching for support which led to my "escape" binge last weekend. I am so very grateful I have another chance to keep my promise to Chris as I still have the chance to get better. The list of reasons I have failed in the past:

-stopped doing the things I knew were working, due to a cockiness that I was "healed" and could go on without those habits.
-Isolated and just white knuckled my way through after stopping those healthy habits
-stopped with therapy and meetings way too soon
-thought I could do everything myself.

I have to stop expecting perfection from myself, or from events in my life and not set expectations. The biggest thing for me is to learn to forgive myself and let go of the past, and stop trying to predict the future. I am going to learn to live in the moment and sit with my emotions and learn to love them. I am worth healing, and being the best me I can be for this world.

Thank you all for being with me throughout my journey so far, and look forward to continuing it with you. I am not sure how, but I will get through this, and things will get better.

LumenandNyx

Hi,

Sometimes life can seem sort of ruthless, doesn't it ...

But there's a lot of love and compassion and tenderness around too. Sometimes the best way to feel it toward yourself is to shower it on another person. That's how we prove to ourselves that these things are within us.

Ekohe

It really can, but I would rather start walking out of hell then further into it.

That second point is also very true, I have met an overwhelming amount of beautiful people. I have to learn who I am again, and to love myself.

LumenandNyx

For me the consequences of drinking was hell. The way out for me was to stop drinking. Today, drinking alcohol is no closer to something I do than taking a trip to Mars.

Wastinglife

Don't worry my Friend! I am also totally ****** up! (Sober ****** up) not drinking because I can't afford it . RIP for your brother! Let's just chill out and watch a stupid movie!

Dee74

I'm sure your brother understood, or at least appreciated, how hard this is, and I'm sure his faith in you would remain steadfast, Ekohe

D

MaximusD

Ekohe, it is great that you are trying (And actually have) a positive attitude in the middle of all of this. My Dad was dying and told me he wished i would quit smoking. I told him I would and threw my pack away. Still took awhile but I did it. We need to do it for ourselves.

Ekohe

Thank you maximus, that means a lot. I did the same when my father passed away, took me a while as well but its been 8ish years now smoke free.

Remained sober these 2 weeks, emotional rollercoaster as expected. The funeral for my brother is monday, and I will remain sober through it. Wish me luck, and could use support I'm very anxious and depressed right now but feel strong.

Thanks

Dee74

Thanks for updating us Ekohe. Congrats on staying sober.

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family Monday.

D