Reid82

Hey all,

As some of you know on this board the situation that I have with my mother at home, she has pretty advanced dementia at this stage, to the point she barely knows me now. It has been a subject I have more or less flatly refused to look at/address well since forever! She has it about 8 years now (at the start I was still in my worst addiction phase before my first treatment) But I feel the fact I'm
not looking at it is going to lead me down a very bad path, maybe not today or tomorrow but I know where it will eventually bring me back to. A place I'm not going to survive for long If I'm being honest. I think I might be in a better place now to look at it as I wasn't ready in the past.

So, I'm thinking of going to counselling/help for this. I might ring my old Treatment Center on Monday for advise but was wondering has anyone dealt with a similar situation and how they coped with it?
I know a few people have reached out in the past but would like to hear some more on it. I'm actually terrified of the stuff that it will bring up for me, and I don't say that lightly. Thanks.

Obladi

Hey Reid,

I think you're very wise to think about getting help for this, and wise to ask for advice, as well.

I work with a therapist that is a very good fit for me. Even so, neither of us recognised that any whisper of dealing with a past trauma would trigger my subconscious brain to take over the controls. Now that we know this, anything having to do with "dealing with" it is off the table for the time being. It's safe if I bring up that past, but my therapist never does. And I no longer think about/talk about "dealing" with it in the sense of somehow resolving it. That part can wait while I get stronger.

I don't know if the "it" you need help with is something from the past or if it's "just" dealing with your mom's declining state and all of the stresses that accompany that. In either event, I'd strongly recommend that you find a therapist with whom you click and figuring out as best as you can what you need from that relationship.

When I first started therapy, I thought it made sense to find a person who would be rational, as that is (was) my preferred method to solve problems. So I did CBT. Didn't work, probably because I'd already tried being rational and it didn't work. Psychotherapy does work - because it's more of a collaborative experience.

Hope that helps a little.

O

Dee74

I have no real experience to share but I feel instinctively that asking for help is a good thing for ever it is you feel you need to face Reid.

I had a little bit of counseling over various things - I was never made to confront or discuss anything I didn't want to discuss or face.

I had some therapists with whom I was not a good fit, but I found others .

D

Mary88

That sounds tough to deal with Reid. Glad you are thinking of getting help. Maybe there are dementia support groups you could try too?

I had a grandparent with Alzheimers who lived with my family when I was growing up. It was a difficult situation. We didn't even understand dementia.

Your GP might be very understanding too and able to refer you to a therapist or know of any support that's available.

biminiblue

I have no experience to share, just wanted to say I get it about not wanting to dredge up the past. At some point you'll be ready, but it can't be forced.

In the U.S. there is help for caretakers of dementia patients, like people that will come in and help with daily hygiene or medications etc. Does your health system have something like that?

I know you are able to sort through whatever comes your way. One day, one hour, sometimes it's one minute at a time.

kenton

My dad had early onset dementia. I tried my best to care for him for as long as I could but in the end, he ended up being sectioned and spent over a year in a psychiatric ward before his death. There was a family support group run by the hospital but I'm going to be honest, nothing helped me come to terms with the rapid deterioration in his mental health. It still affects me today - 4 years after his death. His deterioration was fast ... He went from no symptoms to death in 16 months...I'm sorry I'm not helping much with advice. I guess I just wanted to say that I know how awful it is to see a loved one suffer from dementia. I didn't manage to stop drinking until after my dad died. That's my one regret. I used alcohol as a way to cope... We all know how useless alcohol is as a coping mechanism .... When I look back I wish I'd stopped drinking sooner. It wouldn't have helped my dad but I think it would have helped me start to come to terms with losing him before I lost him. Thinking of you and your mum xx

Jim1958

My mother had dementia. I know what you are going through. She got to the point where both my sister and I thought that even if we both quit our jobs we could not take care of her. We placed her in a skilled nursing home. It was difficult beyond words. To answer your question, the skilled nursing home had a support group I went to. It helped. I also did one on one counseling. The whole experience was hard to get through, and there is no road map. Each case is different. Do what you can to help yourself. Counseling is a good start. And you are not alone. I was amazed at what people would tell me if I opened up to them. All I had to do was say my mother was suffering from dementia and their own story would come out. It is common to have a hard time with elderly parents. Best wishes.

Anna

I'm really sorry that you're doing through this with your mother, Reid. I can imagine how stressful and upsetting it is. I think that seeking support with a therapist is a really good idea.

LumenandNyx

Hi,

My great grandmother suffered from dementia while I lived with her and my grandparents. It was a challenge and it was hard to ignore. She threatened to throw me out the living room window once - that gave me a chuckle as she was barely 5' tall and 90lbs.

If you can try to step back from her a little bit - in your mind - and look at her as the woman she presents - you may find the compassion towards her I think you're looking for.