Please help me, im so exhausted

Old 09-07-2020, 08:02 AM
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Please help me, im so exhausted

We have been together for 3 years and both in our 30s. Since he was a teenager, he took drugs, ecstasy, ketamine, coke...anything. He became a crack addict. I left him 6 months ago because he was using and treating me terribly, I hardly even saw him.
Then whilst I was away it got so bad that he had to move in with his mother as he didnt pay his rent.
His mother took out a mortgage on a house for him to pay off, as he was now apparently clean and had set up his own business. Anyway, because I thought he got clean I got back in touch after no contact for months.
And now we have met up twice and had some nice times, he seemed good.
Then last weekend it was his birthday. He half heartedly invited me to his family meal but on the day I heard nothing. I was so upset.
And then I looked on his facebook and realised on that night he met friends in my area (we dont live in the same town), without seeing me, and smoking hundreds of pounds worth of crack between them.
He was on his way to work in London a week later, and popped in my house for 10 minutes to give me 5 citalopram tablets as he was worried about me! He said hes doing so well with his business and hes too busy to see me much at the moment. And his business is going to be on TV.
Then he left for London and I gleaned from facebook that he was hours late for his job, the lady hes working for was very cross. And other people worrying about him.
Anyway, I lost my job Saturday and was very upset. I got drunk and texted him that I know he smoked crack on his birthday and hed rather see anyone but me. He said well its nothing to do with me and its over.
Yesterday I rang him and he just kept saying he loved me but i need to sort my head out, hes done nothing wrong and hes entitled to a blow out.
I just feel so bad and unloved. Ive hardly heard from him and hes been in London nearly a week. And him making out hes such a success now, whilst im the one with the issues.
Is it me in the wrong somehow? Can he get better from a drug addiction without professional help? Does he just not love me or is it the drugs?
My head feels so messed up.

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Old 09-07-2020, 09:48 AM
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People have gotten over an addiction without professional help, sure. But what about any of the events of the last six months is giving you the impression he has any desire to quit taking drugs?

When we are in relationships with addicts, it is very easy to feel unloved, because the addict is primarily in a relationship with their drug of choice. But feelings are not facts. He addiction has nothing to do with you, and his addiction is driving the bus here.

Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, I do think you have some serious questions to ask yourself about why accepting such disrespectful treatment from someone is even an option for you. Instead of indulging in fantasies about what his life is like, it might be time to get serious about your own relationship with yourself. Addicts who aren't interested in recovery will always let you down, but when you interpret that as a reflection on your own self-worth, it's a big red flag that you have some work to do.

How were you doing during your stretch of no contact?
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Old 09-07-2020, 09:58 AM
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Hello Icemelon, Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry you have been through so much lately, and I'm concerned for you and how you are reacting to it all. I agree with SparkleKitty about taking some time to think about everything that has happened. We are all human beings, and we are occasionally not on our best behavior--that can be forgiven. It sounds as though he has treated you with a great deal of disrespect for a while, now. I'm worried because you seem to think that sort of treatment is OK as long as you don't lose him.

I had low self-esteem for a long time as a young woman, but I've learned to value myself as a woman. I know that I can bring a lot to a relationship, and that I'm worthy of respectful and kind treatment. You are, too! I hope, in time, you see that for yourself.

I hope you will take this time to take good care of yourself and concentrate on getting a good job--one where you can thrive!
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Old 09-07-2020, 10:01 AM
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Hi,

You wrote "Is it me in the wrong somehow?"

I wouldn't say that you're in the wrong, but I would say that you look really confused. You've turned this man and the relationship you had together into your focus. You're obsessing about him. Who knows how he feels? What does it matter? Isn't his behavior what really counts here? That's what I'd look at.

What if you turn that focus around onto yourself? What if you start focusing on rebuilding your life the way you want it without him in it?
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Old 09-07-2020, 11:19 AM
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Thanks for putting it into some perspective. I do need to focus on me and regain my strength. Its not healthy for me at all. He says he has stopped but can have the odd blowout if he wants. I guess its really up to him.
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Old 09-07-2020, 12:04 PM
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An addict cannot have a “blowout” every now and again. That’s just plain denial.

Have you ever gone back and read your previous posts?
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Old 09-07-2020, 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Icemelon View Post
He says he has stopped but can have the odd blowout if he wants. I guess its really up to him.
Although it will probably lead to more than just an occasional blow out, it is certainly his right to live how he wants. Also it is your right to live the way you want.

Most of us here don't enjoy life with an addict. Some did indeed stay and others went no-contact with the addict. Whatever you choose there will be challenges. I know I had issues that led me to choose my qualifier/addict.

Please let us know how you get on. Leaving am alcoholic can be super tough.
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Old 09-07-2020, 10:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Icemelon View Post
Yesterday I rang him and he just kept saying he loved me but i need to sort my head out, hes done nothing wrong and hes entitled to a blow out.
I just feel so bad and unloved. Ive hardly heard from him and hes been in London nearly a week. And him making out hes such a success now, whilst im the one with the issues.
Is it me in the wrong somehow? Can he get better from a drug addiction without professional help? Does he just not love me or is it the drugs?
My head feels so messed up.
He drops off drugs to you because he's worried about you? That's odd.

Anytime you try to apply normal reasoning/questions about behaviour of a crack head, that's kind of just asking for more angst?

Addicts aren't just not thinking straight when they are sky high, drugs affect the brain and that's longer term, could be permanent but certainly while they are in active addiction. When they aren't drinking or using other drugs they are thinking about using alcohol or other drugs, that's the nature of addiction.

Everything else is secondary (including you).

No, addicts don't have "occasional" blow outs, he just wants to get high.

There is nothing normal about any of this and the more time you spend away from his drama world the more you will see that and will probably end up wondering why you ever stayed involved as long as you did. When someone shows you their "good" side occasionally and throws you a few crumbs of kindness, it can be addictive in itself. You WANT them to be normal and caring and compassionate etc etc and you hope there will be more good than bad, but that certainly isn't the case here.

Again, the longer you are away from it, changing your focus to yourself and your own interests and your own family and friends, the better you will feel. I know, it still hurts, a lot, time will help with that, which is not easy but can be done and is the best thing for you don't you think?




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Old 09-09-2020, 01:37 PM
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Again, the longer you are away from it, changing your focus to yourself and your own interests and your own family and friends, the better you will feel. I know, it still hurts, a lot, time will help with that, which is not easy but can be done and is the best thing for you don't you think? This! I copied and pasted the above quote because I can't figure out how to post just the portion you want to copy. 🤔 Anyway, this is the honest truth. It is hard to see the forest through the trees when we are so focused on the addict. When we take the time to put the focus back where it belongs..on ourselves it is life changing! It is torture to be obsessed with someone who is self centered and not batting an eye about anything we do or say. But actually that is what we need to be doing! The addict somehow gets that part while the co-dependent struggles with letting go. I wish you peace and clarity in the days ahead.
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Old 09-09-2020, 02:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Icemelon View Post
Thanks for putting it into some perspective. I do need to focus on me and regain my strength. Its not healthy for me at all. He says he has stopped but can have the odd blowout if he wants. I guess its really up to him.
It's certainly not up to anyone else that he gets and stays clean and sober.
You know the phrase that goes something like ... "You can't help anyone that can't help themselves"? Well, the same idea applies to love - how can you really expect or even hope that he will love you when he's in the middle of a slow suicide by drug and alcohol abuse?

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Old 09-10-2020, 08:32 AM
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thank you all. I guess im thinking maybe he is clean most of the time and just doesnt care about me at all. He says he does but words are cheap. He makes himself sound all successful and busy now. Maybe it was just the occasional blow out, but I guess he certainly isnt in recovery and does not want to be. It really isnt anything to do with me anyway. I know I need to put the focus on myself.
When we were out of contact for a few months, I still found it very hard but was getting better. I contacted him as I was under the impression he was now clean, getting his own house, business etc. He said he was so happy to hear from me, and we have met a couple of times and it was nice.
But now its all started again. He said it was over when I confronted him about the drugs and how upset I was he would rather see friends than me. Then in the next breath he said he loved me but I need to sort my head out. I know I do but surely he knows his behaviour is whats hurting me. And doesnt care to change. I cant do anymore, I cant keep fighting it. Im trying to look after myself but I just feel very drained and ashamed of myself for falling for it all over again.
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Old 09-10-2020, 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Icemelon View Post
But now its all started again. He said it was over when I confronted him about the drugs and how upset I was he would rather see friends than me. Then in the next breath he said he loved me but I need to sort my head out.
Well you can sort your head out or not as you see fit, should a crack addict be dictating what you should or shouldn't do?

He has no hold over you, you are free to do as you choose.

Keep in mind that he doesn't have a problem with his drug taking, you do. Therefore he doesn't see your thinking as "right" he sees that you would like to change him and he is not interested in that.

That really has nothing to do with you, personally, even him standing you up is not personal, he wants to be with his drugging friends (which is his right).

Perhaps just realize he is not the guy for you. He may have some good qualities but the drugs are his focus and that will exclude everyone else in his life, you, family, anyone who is not interested in drugs really. He is an addict, of course he would rather be with his friends doing crack.

It will hurt for a while but you will get through it, it takes time to heal from these things (perhaps months), this is why it's so important that in the interim you focus on yourself and take good care of yourself, to alleviate some of that hurt. Try to eat well, sleep when you can, visit friends and/or family, take a mini holiday (even a local nice hotel) binge watch a series, whatever gives your mind a rest and lifts your spirits for a while.


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Old 09-13-2020, 09:21 AM
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He has really just messed with my head over the years and now i guess im the one with the problem. No sane person would take this crap surely. I let him push my buttons again as I found out he was messaging his ex and although the messages were just friendly, he actually called her and yet doesnt bother to give me the time of day. I kinda flipped out because he has used this ex to triangulate me before by sending her flirty messages when we have had bustups. So he knows how paranoid this makes me as Ive told him this. And he wont block her, he said he wont be controlled by me. But surely if he cared he would get rid of her, its not like they were ever particularly serious and he says he hasnt even seen her in the years weve been "together". I dont want to be a controlling psycho but I feel like hes turning me into one. He said Im a psycho and I have 2 months to get my head in order.
Just so upset as I type this. He says its me who needs help.
I had a job interview and he didnt care to ask how it went. He knows im down and doesnt care.
Do you think he is actually still an addict and just lying to me or am I using it as an excuse not to accept that he just hates me or something. As he keeps twisting the knife further and further.
My best friend, his cousin, said he has always been the same and cares for no one but himself and uses everybody.
I know I must let go I just wish everything didnt hurt so much. I read back on my previous posts and I think there must really be something wrong with me for letting this carry on.
Im going for some energy therapy in a few days, apparently it can release emotional blockages caused by events etc.
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Old 09-13-2020, 11:02 AM
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Yes you are right, this all does mess with your head. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means you have been through something that is incredibly emotionally mixed up and draining and you can heal yourself from this, particularily if you seek help, a therapist might be of great help, also Al anon or Nar anon meetings.

When you are with someone who is not good to you (understatement) and in this case an addict, there is a type of bonding that goes on. He throws you crumbs of kindness or interest and you latch on to that. In a "normal" relationship this would not even be an issue. Because of this tossing of breadcrumbs periodically, it gives you hope and makes you feel better and that he does REALLY care, so you keep going back, hoping for more, or at least a few more breadcrumbs. You can google Traumatic bonding for more information on that.

When that doesn't happen (like now) it's devastating. Does that mean he doesn't care about you or never did?

Ok, that is the hook. It really doesn't matter. You are dealing with a person who is not "normal" and is not in his right mind. Whether that is from current or previous drug use, it really doesn't matter, or maybe he is just that way regardless.

Just as an example, what he said here makes no sense:

He says he has stopped but can have the odd blowout if he wants

You either quit something or you don't. It would be like me saying "I have quit eating carbs"! Then follow that with "but I can have the odd piece of bread if I want".

Well of course I can, but I can't be both quitting carbs and eating them! That just garbage talk or "word salad". Saying something that has no meaning.

So there is absolutely zero reason to believe he has stopped using, I think you can disregard that.

His words, like the ones above, are meaningless.

That is his way of dealing with life and if you latch on to what he says about you - like needing to get your head straight in the next two months (he's got to be kidding) you become part of the insanity of his thinking and that leaves you feeling - not sane either! If this guy who is not right in the head is telling you what to do, of course you are going to feel out of control.

You would be wise to take your thoughts and feelings and life back in to your own hands and disregard everything he has said. That's the path to healing from this. You are going to be ok, you just need out of this tornado.





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Old 09-13-2020, 11:11 AM
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Thanks so much. I have looked up cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding...its pretty textbook isnt it. His words really do mean nothing and its a bitter pill to swallow sometimes. But I know i must accept reality just finding it very hard. I am trying so hard to focus on myself.
Your are quite right, it is a tornado. And its preventing me from living my life like I have put myself in prison.
Im going to keep working on myself as much as i can, try to regain some energy and somehow take my power back.
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Old 09-13-2020, 11:12 AM
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The crumbs of kindness are a real thing that i latch onto. Makes everything feel better for a short period until I am abused again.
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Old 09-13-2020, 11:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Icemelon View Post
The crumbs of kindness are a real thing that i latch onto. Makes everything feel better for a short period until I am abused again.
Yes, that is also a hook. You feel awful. I mean any breakup feels awful, of course. But then you think, I would rather have half an hour of relief than go through this misery. That's where you have to stand firm, that half hour of relief is going to cost you. You don't get off the crazy train and it just keeps rolling along.

Staying no contact is key. Even if you have to take it in 5 minute or half hour increments. You can do this, it's not easy and it hurts but it really is the short term pain for the long term gain.

Keep imagining yourself free of this, free of the pain without him. He is not your partner, you are not in this together and he is looking out for number one only (himself and his addiction). As long as you are hooked by him you can't go out and enjoy your life. There are a lot of genuinely nice men out there, ones that will treat you very well, why would you settle for less? And why on earth would this guy, tell you how to live your life?

There are healthy relationships out there and you deserve one of those, absolutely.

You can get through this, you can be free of him, but it will take time. Reach out for all the support you can get, be that Al Anon meetings, posting here, talking to friends (that understand addiction, if you have any), try to do things you enjoy (even if you don't feel like it). You are not alone, there is lots of support for you out here.

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Old 09-13-2020, 03:01 PM
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I really appreciate you taking the time to support me. Youre so right, he is in no way a partner and never has been. I couldnt count on him for anything. Hes just got no empathy or compassion for me as his actions dont match up to his words. He has shown me how little he feels by his behaviour towards me and Ive been deluding myself.
I have never had a healthy relationship so I have nothing to compare it too, I guess.
Ive just got to pick myself back up and be me again. I can hardly believe the lack of respect that Ive tolerated time and again, it was staring me in the face but I went back for more.
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Old 09-13-2020, 03:08 PM
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and how do you mean do the no contact in increments?
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Old 09-14-2020, 10:17 AM
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Not contacting someone, initially, can be really hard.

I went no contact with someone once (amicably), I just sent an email and said, I don't think we should talk to each other for a while (we had already broken up but were in regular, daily, contact).

He didn't reply and that's fine.

Then it was a struggle. So I would break it down in to increments, to days, when I was feeling stronger (I won't contact him today, but I can tomorrow if I want to) to a few hours on days when I might feel sad or wanted to speak to him (I won't call/text for the next hour then see how I feel - or 10 minutes etc). I found in every case, after the hour or day went by, I was usually feeling stronger and didn't feel the need for contact.

We all have days when we are feeling happier or stronger or more confident than others and those days are a bit easier, but it's those not so happy days where you can struggle. I knew that nothing - absolutely nothing good would come from contacting him, however, I still gave myself that option if in a day (or hour or half an hour) I still wanted to.

That's what I mean by increments. Break it down in to time periods that are manageable. It's a plan and if you follow it you will probably succeed. It's not perfect, but it gives us time to stop and think about what we are doing and hopefully resist making contact (because sometimes you know, it's just not worth it).

Another thing to do is keep yourself busy. When you are sitting ruminating about the "good times" and get the urge to make contact - get up and go, right away. Go to the store, walk down the block, put on a movie, make yourself a treat for later or start making chili, call your friend, browse for a new book online or a new shirt, play a game that takes concentration. If you are at work, grab coffee and have a 5 minute conversation with a workmate or give yourself a pep talk (in your head lol).

I never spoke to him again and I don't care! I really don't, time and distance gives us clarity, it will get easier as you go along and when you are out of this painful period you will probably wonder why you bothered with him at all, there is nothing good there. Your contact with him adds nothing good to your life does it?



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