shrinkal

Well it has been about 4 weeks since i first came to this site, and did my first post. Since then I have visited several times, and found many inspirational words and thoughts. It has been so helpful to me.
I have 2 teenage children, and have been on line, at alateen, and gotten some info of of line and a questionair for the kids. I sat down and had a short talk with each of them I did not want to over welm them. I gave each of them this 5 page packet to look at and use as they would like. Then told them, that I was there to talk to or help them with anything they would like, that we were a team, and in everything together. It is a questionair on weather Alateen could help them or not. And also a paper on how there dad's dieases is not there fault. I really feel like this was the right move. I am kind of affraid what the A will do when he finds out that I have done this, but he hasn't yet, the kids haven't said anything to him.
I have really been trying to find more time for the kids and I to go do things, and enjoy the time I have been given with them, instead of worrying about the A and then making life misserable for the kids and myself also. I always leave the door open for the A to be a part also. My son has made a comment that there is something that has changed about me in the last few weeks. I feel much more of a peace.
As for myself, I have really been concentrating on my reaction to his drinking. Trying to be that kind of neutral person, I do not want to be an inabler!!
I have also started some things for me. I have started walking every night, sometimes my daughter goes with me, this is a great time for me and also a great time for us when she goes. It is kind of a me time, to reflect and to get perspective. I am also trying to loose weight for me and also to show my children a healthier life style. Befor I didn't care, everything was consumed by his acctions, and my reactions, but now I am trying to focus on myself, and my needs, and the children rather then him.
Over the last month things have been going great, there have been a few issues with the A but I have been just living with it and not letting him get the better of me, until tonite.
He came home around 2 a.m., drunk. Woke me up, and then I went into our living room, and inturn he ended up waking the kids up. He wanted to let me know that he was going to the mountains to goof off with his brother and a couple of their friends. I am like whatever, don't you think you have been drinking to much to be out driving. Then he say's I haven't drank to much. After being married for almost 15 years, I can tell when he has had to much, and this was one of those nights. I said, can't you just stay home with me and the kids tonight, so we don't worry about you being out there? He had a purpose in mind, and all his buddies waiting. Then he kept telling me that he couldn't leave with me being mad, I tried to tell him I wasn't mad, just concerned. He tells me how much he loves me, that he works so hard for his family, sometimes he needs a little him time. (Which is most of the time anyway) He finally left after about 15 minutes of me smelling his awful breath.
Now I am awake worried. Prior to this he had been gone for 6 days on a hunting trip, and has only been home for about 2 days one for which he was drunk. We have had one night together as a family with out him being drunk before he has to go be drunk again with his buddies.
When he lleft I broke down and cried, my son came in and hugged me for a while, I don't like for the kids to see that, so I came out and sat with him on the couch, with his head in my lap, and we listened to music until he went back to sleep.
I don't know how to react in this situation for one I don't want to be an inabler. Was I? Two, I don't know how to deal with the fact that he is the A but he has about a dozen friends and they are all A's to. MOst of them are singel to. They don't understand the family life, or if the do have a family don't care. This makes the trying to hold the family together twice as hard, I feel like sometimes I am not just working against my A with his issues, but all the other A's that he hangs out with sometimes to. Does that make sense?
HOw do you know when enough is enough? I love my A, like I am sure alot of people do theres, when he's not drinking. WE have a great relationship then. But that is about 30-40 percent of the time.
I hate this feeling I have again tonight of being empty and so hurt, and in tears. I was doing so good, how come this one small incident, can set me so far back, and effect so much. I get so tired of him hurting me and the kids. We have the most wonderful children, how come he choses to do this to them? They deserve so much more
I am a religious person, when I married my A I not only promised him but God also that it was forever. I was raised to beleive, that you stick it out no matter what. At this moment and time, :Forever just seems like so far away.
Sorry this post has gotten so long, I just needed to get some things out, and you all are who I have and who have been helping me get through, with all the post and others thoughts. They give me strength and hope for making my own better today's and tomorrows.
Thanks for listening.

FaithChaser

Hi Shrinkal,

Well, I'm pretty new here and dealing with the same struggles so just wanted to let you know first of all you are not alone in your struggles. First of all I noticed that you called this, "Just one small incedent", I'd be willing to bet this is more like a series of lots of incedents and each time they upset you just a little bit more than the last, at least that is how it is for me. Through years of feeling like he's put me last, I have begun to feel that is where I belong, and have begun to doubt myself and my feelings and wonder if I'm being rational. I'm beginning to realize that I'm not being irrational in that I don't want him out driving after drinking, I'm not being irrational when I worry about what he is doing to his health and his mind. You asked how you are supposed to react to it, and honestly I'm so new here that I cannot answer that for you. But for me, my new reaction is to notice what is going on (like this morning when I counted the beer cans in the garbage), and then turned it over to my highter power. I'm realizing now that I AM NOT IN CONTROL and this has become my new mantra which I repeat over and over to myself all day long. After this inward shouting match, I'm figuring out what it is that I can be doing for myself not for him or anyone else but what it is just for this moment that I can be doing for ME. I find sitting reading on this site to be a great one of those things. I also have gotten myself a great therapist and joined a group. I know from the past, in my own recovery from drug addiction (i'm 11 years clean-go figure I'd be attracted to another addict ha-ha) That miracles do happen. When I can really turn things over to my HP, when I'm focused on myself and working towards change somehow those in my life are opened up to change as well. Ut oh that sounded controlling.... Well, many (((((HUGS))))

JT

Shrinkal,

If you are a religious person you also have to believe that God has a much bigger plan than "till death do you part"

You are doing very well and one night of tears here and there is no crime. It was the middle of the night, you were worried and tired of it all. We all go there sometimes. Being disregarded by your husband is bound to hurt. And it easy to listen to their kind words the day after and hang our hopes on those "good" days. My advice would be to watch his actions and stop listening to his words. That is where the truth is.

Hugs,
JT

Magichappens

Hey shrinkal,
It is frightening to let stuff run it's course. I was always concerned when Mr Magic was on the road and intoxicated. It is a natural way to feel. But I trust that the consequences of people's actions are out of my hands. I may be able to delay them, but in the end, I ended up consumed by trying to avert the inevitable. And in the process, I lost sight of living my own life.

You sound like you have already found some things in recovery that work for you. If you can find the courage to get support, from Al-Anon meetings or counselling, it can help you find more. It is hard to start getting help when the alcoholic is still drinking. They seem to think it's all about them. They don't like not having someone down in the pit with them. But for my own sanity and serenity, I had to face that wrath and stand up for my recovery.

Getting your kids involved is great. If nothing else, it can give them options for being happy that they might not have known were there. It is hard for kids to understand that their parents' pain isn't their fault, and they don't have the ability to fix it. I carried that burden for most of my life. But when I was ready to deal with it, the tools were available. For that I am grateful.

Keep coming back. There is a lot of support and understanding here. You aren't alone, and you don't have to go through this alone. Hugs, Magic

shrinkal

Thanks to all for your encouraging words.
Those low points are the hardest.
The next day my son came to talk to me, and asked me if I would like to go talk to someone. He said if I did, he would like to go together.
As much strength as I have thought I have had over the years of dealing with my A, at that moment in time I realized that my God had given me the strenght through this handsome young man standing beside me holding my hand. He has so richly blessed me.
I have so much to work on, for myself, but for my children also.
I have to become healthy for me to make things better for them.
I will do this!!!!!!!!
I am going to make some calls Monday morning, we have a program through my work, where we can talk to counselors four times a year free. I am going to start there. Then I will take it one step at a time.
My A was in bed all day yesterday. He had made himself so sick. I honestly think he had a slight case of A poisioning. NOt sure though. But this is when my son came to me. I think that he has seen his dad try to control drink for a long time, but in the last 3 months, it has just gotten out of hand.
I will continue to read and visit the sight. It has been a huge help to me to know I am not alone. Reading to see how each person deals with lifes struggles, and makes it through gives me hope and strength.
Faith Chaser: You are right, there is a HP in control, the hard part is just letting the HP have control. I to am a control freak. I try to control what people find out, I try to control how much my A hurts my kids with his actions, I try to control my A's acctions, with my own actions, to try and keep him from drinking to much. I know these things won't work, I need the HP to take control. I have been really trying and doing well for a while, but then I have to snatch that control back up you know?
Your words really hit home.
Congrats on those 11 years, that is an awesome accomplishment.
As we struggle down the same path, I will pray that we both can give up Control and concentrate on ourselves and what we can change. Thanks again so much.

dreamcatcher

I have been there so many nights. I also have children who have been my strength. The long nights are painful. Your fears are real and valid, my ah just got his 3rd DUI. He thought he could drink and drive. Protect yourself and your children. Plan for the worst so you are not caught off guard, the choice is no longer his or mine. Take care and good luck.

gelfling

It made my heart glad to read your son is willing to find help for the two of you. Such a strong young man. But you can't let him take over as the head of the household because of his father. He's still a kid and should remain so and allowed to grow and mature in his own time.

Until death do us part...there were many times I prayed for death. For him or myself. But I've grown and realize that this is just another bump in the road for me and that God doesn't expect me to sit around and be abused and hurt and He definitely wouldn't want my kids to get hurt either.

Having faith in your HP will guide you in the direction you should be going. And if that is away from the AH, just know it's His will.

Blessings, Kathy

Dee at Mt Bully

Hi fellow oregonian--I graduated from high school in North Bend, Or long long ago.
AH's have no idea the impact thier behavior has on thier wife and children. I'm very happy for you and your teenagers that you are getting help. I was raised in an A enviroment and surprise I married an alcoholic twice. Maybe you can help your children
not make that mistake and in the mean time take care of yourself. You are really off to a good start. Walking is excellant especially when your kids join you and this
sight is like a life line for me. I also go to a counselor and alanon. It all works. You are
going to here your story over and over. The names will change but we all have very
simular problems. We just take turns lifting each other up. Smiles--Dee

tootiredmom

A very good friend of mine, an adult child of an alcoholic, told me that he can see that in 10 years my little boy will be taking care of me if I don't get out of a relationship with my alcoholic husband. He said your son will resent you for that as he, now as an adult, resents his mother for making him take care of her, the family, their finances, their taxes, etc. He, as a young man took his dad to inpatient treatment. That isn't the responsibility a child should assume. I understand you relying on your child. I have hugged my three little children and my 5 year old really tries to make me feel better, but that isn't his job. You are on the right track. Get to a therapist and keep coming back. I am doing the same. But what my friend told me really hit home. I am the adult, I can't let my child take care of me. You can't either. You have my prayers and empathy.

shrinkal

Thanks to all for your support. Reading and praying is really helping me.
I have taken in one therapy session, with my son. It went pretty well.
I know it will take my son some time to open up.
I do not want to depend on him to keep things going. Nor do I think that is going to happen. But the fact that he realized that I needed this and he does to, is what has moved me so much. He is quite the young man. I am so very proud of him.
He is a kid, and will continue to be one if I have anything to do with it.
I know that he has gone to the Alateen sight once, please continue to pray for us for strength and growth, doing this together will only make us stronger as a mom and son I believe.
Thank you again for your listening ears, good advice, and caring hearts.

wraybear

Shrinkal, it sounds like you have come such a long way in a short time. GOOD FOR YOU! Gettng your kids to look at that form, seeing a therapist, feeling peace in your home more these past 4 weeks... that is quite an accomplishment!

I am in a similar situation. I am a Christian and I have a problem breaking my wedding vows. My huband of 15 years was kicked out 9 weeks ago, and I have decided I don't have to get divorced today or tomorrow. I DO HAVE to let God work with him one on one and I need to get out of God's way. SO, for now that is what I am doing. I did file for divorce, but, some days I think it was only to get permanent custody of the kids and have something legal saying he can't drive with them in the car. Some days, I think I did it because I really intended to get divorced and other days I think i did it to manipulate him into thinking I was serious about him getting sober this time. Right now, today, it doesn't really matter why I did it... what matters is that I am at peace, my children are at peace, my children are protected and I don't have to think about divorce today or tomorrow. And, I only live one or two days out anyway, because my brain can't handle more than that!

I have two older kids and two younger kids. The oldest one, 20 now, did kind of take over the mother role for a while. I regret that now, and would handle things differently. You are their mother, you can be their friend, but you are their mother first. You can get your love and self-worth from God, not from your husband, not from your son.

Also, you had the one night of feeling like you went too far, possibly enabling? From the sounds of it, you were just being a concerned adult, like any sane adult would be. You didn't lose your temper, you didn't manipulate, you told him the truth, that you were concerned that he shouldn't be driving. It would be insane for you to NOT tell him that. So, be confident that you handled it correctly, and keep some peace in your heart today!