TNTStill

Today is day 38 (July 25 was the last drink). I feel much better. I had a bad cold about 8 days after quitting and now I finally feel pretty much 100% (physically, still got the mind and emotions to get back right but I'm getting there).

Yesterday I had a bit of an urge but it quickly went away. After the urge and thought I immediately thought about that first night (July 26) when I was trying to go to sleep and all I was doing was tossing, turning, shaking, sweating, hearing noises, sides hurting and throwing up probably the only "real meal" I ate that evening. And when I did finally sleep I had nightmares. I sincerely thought that was gonna be it for me. Every minute was agony for most of that day.

Jesus Christ that was miserable. The next day my throat was super sore and I was drinking tea and having Halls most of the day.

Long story short, just that thought alone made my mind ignore my AV almost instantly. And what killed me is that I knew EXACTLY how I would feel after, and for how long pretty much...and did it anyways.

The body isn't meant for that type of shock. Been through it 100 times (literally, and probably more).

For anyone still in the struggle of the withdrawal or just now coming out of it, keep that in the memory bank. Not to dwell on but as a reminder of how much unnecessary pain we put ourselves through (not to mention everything else that goes left).

I'll never forget that night. Don't want to have another.

Thank you SR for your support and encouragement. It has helped me get this far.

least

What helps deter me from drinking (besides just not wanting to do it anymore) is remembering how much I hated myself when I woke up after drinking for two days. That was the worst for me, the self-hatred.

TNTStill

Self hatred was there too. I agree. Very terrible feeling.

someday147

congrats on 38 days tnt. I think i will save your post as a reminder as it was exactly what I went through after my last binge. The insanity of addiction eh. I mean if we add up the time spent on a binge plus the withdrawal time physical harm etc for what is certainly for me in the later years maybe a half hour of relief after the first drink it's beyond insane. My last binge was around 22 days of 24 hour drinking. I remember only wanting to stop and the terror of being unable to. So 22 days plus 7-10 of sweating and insomnia and or nightmares and stomach problems and of course the mental torment of it all and then a further few weeks of exhaustion and low energy. That's like 40 days to get back to where I was before the binge! A half hour for 40 days hmm.

Robbie64

Congratulations on 38 days TNT

LumenandNyx

Ohhhh ... to have never had to go through withdrawal...if only. To say that it was brutal - just doesn't really cut it.

Thanks for your post!

Khorhey

The worst withdrawals I had was mixing booze with Xanax. Wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Was a week or 10 days of Hell.

ciowa

I used to binge drink and my hang overs got worse. At the end, I not only had to contend with the physical pain but also the blackouts, anxiety, fear, despair and other bad emotions. I dreaded opening my laptop or answering my phone because I would have no idea exactly when I passed out or if I had been up and communicating with people via phone or the comp.A lot of my work was also falling through the cracks and so I'd have to be on a work call at 10 am in the morning and waking up at 900am with all the dread and trying to get it together to join and call and pretend I was still getting things done.

ImNotThatGuy

Congratulations on 38 days, and thanks for the reminder!

Philemon

In 20 years I went through more withdrawals than I can count. I have come around after a blackout in a police cell. I have been to hospital 7 times with the withdrawals. I have hallucinated, vomited so much that my sodium was low enough to bring on a heart attack. I could go on and on. My point is, the horror of the withdrawals have only a limited shelf life with me. The number of times I have vowed "never again" if something especially nasty happened, I can't even count.
But, it never lasts with me. There is a phenomenon called euphoric recall that happens when the urge to drink comes on strong. That is, you can only bring to mind the memory of the euphoria and relief you get from the drink (SMART RECOVERY site has more on this).
It's a bit like women and childbirth, you cannot relive the (excruciating) pain of childbirth, you know it hurt, but the over-riding memory is of the baby arriving and happy stuff. If it wasn't like that, no woman would have more than one child haha
What I am finding useful, is changing the way I look at drink. It holds nothing for me. I don't want it's temporary euphoric, unnatural relief anymore. I'd rather find my own natural ways of feeling ...anything

Sober45

This really makes sense. I always looked at it as my anticipation drinking. I made a post earlier today about how, during my drinking days, the anticipation of drinking was as good as the drinking itself. I noticed that if I was feeling anxious at work, all I needed to do was bring up some drinking thoughts and viola, I'm in happy anticipation. It really makes sense what you say about these thoughts drowning out the bad stuff.

Stepping back and changing the overall attitude toward drinking is really important.

Khorhey

Never heard anticipation drinking but yeah definitely have done that. Have even been turned down to buy beer because it was to early. Like 6 am. Even in Costa Rica. Couldn’t believe they had an law in Costa Rica about beer sales.

Philemon

This is why in AVRT which I am using, any anxiety, depression etc which lead to thoughts of drinking, are regarded as the AV because they are relieved by even the thoughts of a drink. It is seen as the subconscious desire to drink causing these feelings, once it has been assured the "fix" will be coming soon, the feelings dissipate.

boreas

I enjoy keeping an electronic journal of sorts which contains everything I remember from my drinking days and quitting that I would rather forget. I also paste in harrowing and inspiring stories from these boards.

My deal with myself is that I have to read it in its entirety if I ever think about drinking again. It’s very effective and protects against my inevitable memory loss and whitewashing of the past.
-bora

Hodd

Well done on 38 (now 41+) days TNT!

You mentioned having a minor urge the other day. That’s going to happen, but these urges get less and less noticeable with time. Obviously drinking again resets everything. I still get minor urges after 20 months, but I know just one drink will 100% lead to big cravings. I think everyone knows this, and it shows the power of alcohol.

Keep on going. You’ll have many pleasant surprises ahead.