Realizing I was dealing with an alcoholic
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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Realizing I was dealing with an alcoholic
Hi- I am new here and just trying to understand what happened between me and my EXABF of 3 years. It has been over 18 months since he moved out of state but It was only after he left that I started to put together the pieces and realize he was an alcoholic. I’m angry because he hid it so well. I knew he was a ‘scotch connoisseur” or at least that’s how he was pulling it off. All of the drinking seemed fancy and legitimate, like nice dinners and an extensive scotch collection. As our relationship developed I wrote in my journal a few times things like, “this guy drinks a lot” or “he went out for a quick beer and a cigar”. He was as put together on the outside as anyone I ever met. Nice house, nice car, and held down his job as a civil servant. When I met him his plan was to retire in 3 years and move to be close to his family in AZ. This wasn’t an issue since it was 3 years away and at first I didn’t know where this was going. I have a job that pays very well, my own home, and all my family around me. There was something different about being in a relationship with him that I couldn’t put my finger on from the beginning. He seemed to be holding back or very secretive. I never felt like it was about cheating because he really didn’t like people in general. I thought he was just taciturn and accepted it as that. As a matter of fact I liked it. I mistook it as the strong silent type. I never felt it was personal especially since he mentioned to me that he didn’t know why he wasn’t more concerned than surface with most people and that he was just less emotional. He made me feel that I understood him differently than anyone he ever knew (of course). I have been in therapy for codependency after dealing with an ex fiancé that was a prescription drug addict and thought I licked it. (clearly I still have work to do). My EXABF viewed me as very self-aware and able to express myself. He said I was the most put together woman he has ever met.
During our first 6 months I had to put my dog down. He wasn’t an animal person but he rushed right over after work the day I had to do it. A few days later when I was at work I stepped out for lunch but really to cry my soul out over my loss. I went to a lot where he and I would sometimes meet on his break. We worked in the same town. I am a really ugly crier and there is no denying when I have been crying. Low and behold he pulls up (by coincidence). It was SO clear I was crying and he said nothing. Just, hey what’s up. I said I was having a hard time but he never acknowledged it. In fact the entire time I was grieving he never once asked if I was ok or how I was doing. I was in so much pain but I knew not to grieve with him. He seemed not to have any empathy.
Finally at 9 months into the relationship he told me I love you (while having a cocktail) and immediately goes into how this will work. I will move into his current home until he retires in 2 years and then we will move to AZ. Oh and btw, my other dog can not sleep in the bedroom and she will have a room she is confined to. I wasn’t on board with that and said I only wanted to move once and we left that conversation there. Soon afterwards I notice he was drinking more and started to be critical of us. I chalked it up to him working so much but I wanted to address his attitude. I was willing to let it end if he wasn’t feeling the same way anymore but he claimed nothing changed. Fast forward a few months later and he brings up that his retirement and how much anxiety he is having. Then parlays it into “relationships” give him anxiety at which point I told him then this has no end game. Where do we go from here?? He insisted we continue talking about it so I stayed for a few more months but we never talked too much more about it. When he brought up “his” retirement again, I asked where does that leave us again and suddenly he mentions he doesn’t see himself ever living with anyone again. (He was married and briefly lived with someone). He said as soon as his ex gf moved in he knew it wasn’t going to work and he doesn’t know why he feels more comfortable living alone. So I ended it gracefully and never contacted him. Months later we ran into each other and he pursued reconciling. We did and he was SO much more “in”. When retirement was approaching I asked again about our future. During THIS conversation he said sometimes he thinks he is an alcoholic to which I say, sometimes I think you are too. By this point it had crossed my mind but since he wasn’t in denial I thought that was a good sign. He asked me what would I do if he was? I said I knew there was nothing that I could do, it had to come from him and so I guess I would leave. We talked more and he reiterated that he doesn’t see himself living with someone and I should consider everything I would be giving up to live with someone who was very difficult. It was like he was talking me out of it but I also felt like it was a HUGE gamble since he was being clear on his feelings on living with someone, so once again I ended it. When he retired I text him to congratulate him and he talked me into dinner. I wanted to see him and agreed. He told me he is heading to FL (?!) that weekend to look at places to live and he wants me to come down with him to look at areas. Within 4 months he sold his house, finds a condo to rent, and moved. I think I was in shock During this period because I felt that any reasonable person would at least sketch “us” into his revised plans somehow. After he moved he asked me to book a flight right away and come down. That’s when it really hit me, it was like we were still dating just in another state. We were looking at places for ” him” to buy a house. I was so mad (at myself). I got upset and said, what about how this makes me feel, what about me? After I went home we stayed in touch for about 6 months with contact weaning off. The writing was so clearly on the wall finally. He called for my bday and told me he bought a house that he hated and wasn’t staying in it long because it was so far from restaurants, a.k.a bars. I pretended to be sorry to hear that but I think somewhere inside I was hoping he would hate it and come home. I called for his bday a week later and left a voicemail. I thought when did I become someone who’s calls you don’t answer?! He text me back later but I didn’t reply. I realize it’s over. In an attempt to feel better and keep my fantasy going I watched his house on a real estate sight and I see it was declining in value. I’ll admit, I was thrilled. Overtime I start putting things together. All the times he fell asleep by the pool wasn’t the sun and work, he was drunk. All the the times he was at my house I had to make him a drink if I wanted him to be tolerable. All the times he just jumped out for a quick bite and a beer. The keeping me at an arm’s length, suddenly not wanting to move close to his family. Realizing we never did anything unless it somehow involved liquor! The man never seemed drunk but there was a few times I joked how tipsy he was. He even explained to me how he metabolizes alcohol quicker than most. Not to mention my codependency as a factor! Anyway I finally saw his house for sale. As I scroll through the pictures I see all his furniture and a closet with woman’s clothing. Not only has he moved on, which I get is expectable after a year, but living with someone! The very reason ”we” couldn’t be together he suddenly is over and can do it?! I don’t get it. How am I here basically going through the motions and he is so fine and moved on? Not only replaced me but the reasoning I accepted as truth was such a lie! It feels like I am dealing with it all for the first time. I am mad he hid this from me so well, mad at myself for going down to Fl. to “help” him and mad because I think he gets to live the good life with a new woman, palm tress, and collecting a pension! I know that it can’t be all roses and sunshine but that’s how I see it. Don’t get me wrong, I know I have a lot but I wanted that with him. “Our plans” of retirement and I just got cut out and he just did it all without me like I never mattered! We had a solid relationship. Clearly now I see he wasn’t giving me all the information but it’s precisely because I never saw any of that or that we didn’t fight about his drinking that this is so hard for me. I could at least use those memories to move on peacefully. Instead I feel so duped and disposable. I feel like I loved him and he never cared. I don’t mean to disrespect anyone who’s life was blown up because their Alcoholic didn’t hide it and they lived with it. I get that. I really do. But this is such a shock that I was living for 3 years in a lie and I have been mourning what I thought was, and the reasoning why it happened. I don’t know if I’m explaining what I’m feeling very well. The person I thought I was having this relationship with I loved. So to me this is very hurtful. The man literally never said goodbye. He just let it dwindle. I didn’t know I would never see him again but he did. And I will never get the conversation that we should have had. He’s an alcoholic and that’s why something seemed off! If he told me that I wouldn’t have spent endless time trying to understand how I ended up meaning so little to someone who didn’t want me to end the relationship until palm trees were in the picture! That’s truly how I felt. He left me because he wanted sunshine and sand between his toes more than he wanted “us”. I guess I’m venting but also would like to know if any of this has happened to anyone, the hiding it, the disillusionment? Also as stupid as this question may sound, if someone says they think they may be an alcoholic, is that pretty much a yes, they are?
Thanks for listening and for any insight...
During our first 6 months I had to put my dog down. He wasn’t an animal person but he rushed right over after work the day I had to do it. A few days later when I was at work I stepped out for lunch but really to cry my soul out over my loss. I went to a lot where he and I would sometimes meet on his break. We worked in the same town. I am a really ugly crier and there is no denying when I have been crying. Low and behold he pulls up (by coincidence). It was SO clear I was crying and he said nothing. Just, hey what’s up. I said I was having a hard time but he never acknowledged it. In fact the entire time I was grieving he never once asked if I was ok or how I was doing. I was in so much pain but I knew not to grieve with him. He seemed not to have any empathy.
Finally at 9 months into the relationship he told me I love you (while having a cocktail) and immediately goes into how this will work. I will move into his current home until he retires in 2 years and then we will move to AZ. Oh and btw, my other dog can not sleep in the bedroom and she will have a room she is confined to. I wasn’t on board with that and said I only wanted to move once and we left that conversation there. Soon afterwards I notice he was drinking more and started to be critical of us. I chalked it up to him working so much but I wanted to address his attitude. I was willing to let it end if he wasn’t feeling the same way anymore but he claimed nothing changed. Fast forward a few months later and he brings up that his retirement and how much anxiety he is having. Then parlays it into “relationships” give him anxiety at which point I told him then this has no end game. Where do we go from here?? He insisted we continue talking about it so I stayed for a few more months but we never talked too much more about it. When he brought up “his” retirement again, I asked where does that leave us again and suddenly he mentions he doesn’t see himself ever living with anyone again. (He was married and briefly lived with someone). He said as soon as his ex gf moved in he knew it wasn’t going to work and he doesn’t know why he feels more comfortable living alone. So I ended it gracefully and never contacted him. Months later we ran into each other and he pursued reconciling. We did and he was SO much more “in”. When retirement was approaching I asked again about our future. During THIS conversation he said sometimes he thinks he is an alcoholic to which I say, sometimes I think you are too. By this point it had crossed my mind but since he wasn’t in denial I thought that was a good sign. He asked me what would I do if he was? I said I knew there was nothing that I could do, it had to come from him and so I guess I would leave. We talked more and he reiterated that he doesn’t see himself living with someone and I should consider everything I would be giving up to live with someone who was very difficult. It was like he was talking me out of it but I also felt like it was a HUGE gamble since he was being clear on his feelings on living with someone, so once again I ended it. When he retired I text him to congratulate him and he talked me into dinner. I wanted to see him and agreed. He told me he is heading to FL (?!) that weekend to look at places to live and he wants me to come down with him to look at areas. Within 4 months he sold his house, finds a condo to rent, and moved. I think I was in shock During this period because I felt that any reasonable person would at least sketch “us” into his revised plans somehow. After he moved he asked me to book a flight right away and come down. That’s when it really hit me, it was like we were still dating just in another state. We were looking at places for ” him” to buy a house. I was so mad (at myself). I got upset and said, what about how this makes me feel, what about me? After I went home we stayed in touch for about 6 months with contact weaning off. The writing was so clearly on the wall finally. He called for my bday and told me he bought a house that he hated and wasn’t staying in it long because it was so far from restaurants, a.k.a bars. I pretended to be sorry to hear that but I think somewhere inside I was hoping he would hate it and come home. I called for his bday a week later and left a voicemail. I thought when did I become someone who’s calls you don’t answer?! He text me back later but I didn’t reply. I realize it’s over. In an attempt to feel better and keep my fantasy going I watched his house on a real estate sight and I see it was declining in value. I’ll admit, I was thrilled. Overtime I start putting things together. All the times he fell asleep by the pool wasn’t the sun and work, he was drunk. All the the times he was at my house I had to make him a drink if I wanted him to be tolerable. All the times he just jumped out for a quick bite and a beer. The keeping me at an arm’s length, suddenly not wanting to move close to his family. Realizing we never did anything unless it somehow involved liquor! The man never seemed drunk but there was a few times I joked how tipsy he was. He even explained to me how he metabolizes alcohol quicker than most. Not to mention my codependency as a factor! Anyway I finally saw his house for sale. As I scroll through the pictures I see all his furniture and a closet with woman’s clothing. Not only has he moved on, which I get is expectable after a year, but living with someone! The very reason ”we” couldn’t be together he suddenly is over and can do it?! I don’t get it. How am I here basically going through the motions and he is so fine and moved on? Not only replaced me but the reasoning I accepted as truth was such a lie! It feels like I am dealing with it all for the first time. I am mad he hid this from me so well, mad at myself for going down to Fl. to “help” him and mad because I think he gets to live the good life with a new woman, palm tress, and collecting a pension! I know that it can’t be all roses and sunshine but that’s how I see it. Don’t get me wrong, I know I have a lot but I wanted that with him. “Our plans” of retirement and I just got cut out and he just did it all without me like I never mattered! We had a solid relationship. Clearly now I see he wasn’t giving me all the information but it’s precisely because I never saw any of that or that we didn’t fight about his drinking that this is so hard for me. I could at least use those memories to move on peacefully. Instead I feel so duped and disposable. I feel like I loved him and he never cared. I don’t mean to disrespect anyone who’s life was blown up because their Alcoholic didn’t hide it and they lived with it. I get that. I really do. But this is such a shock that I was living for 3 years in a lie and I have been mourning what I thought was, and the reasoning why it happened. I don’t know if I’m explaining what I’m feeling very well. The person I thought I was having this relationship with I loved. So to me this is very hurtful. The man literally never said goodbye. He just let it dwindle. I didn’t know I would never see him again but he did. And I will never get the conversation that we should have had. He’s an alcoholic and that’s why something seemed off! If he told me that I wouldn’t have spent endless time trying to understand how I ended up meaning so little to someone who didn’t want me to end the relationship until palm trees were in the picture! That’s truly how I felt. He left me because he wanted sunshine and sand between his toes more than he wanted “us”. I guess I’m venting but also would like to know if any of this has happened to anyone, the hiding it, the disillusionment? Also as stupid as this question may sound, if someone says they think they may be an alcoholic, is that pretty much a yes, they are?
Thanks for listening and for any insight...
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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Well, to shine the light on your last question - it takes a lot of road to get to the point where we say "I think I may be an alcoholic." Most of us don't just blurt that comment out.
When an alcoholic is in full-on drinking mode, that's the relationship we're in and what we're in a relationship with. No one else is placed before our relationship with drinking and alcohol. We hide it, lie about it, sneak around with it ... we're not the most honorable and commendable folks. We're incredibly, unbelievably sick and twisted. That's sad and it's true.
When an alcoholic is in full-on drinking mode, that's the relationship we're in and what we're in a relationship with. No one else is placed before our relationship with drinking and alcohol. We hide it, lie about it, sneak around with it ... we're not the most honorable and commendable folks. We're incredibly, unbelievably sick and twisted. That's sad and it's true.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello Lalee, and Welcome to SR! Glad you found us, but sorry for the reason.
It's been my understanding that many, many active alcoholics don't really have deep relationships with anything except alcohol. It is their priority. The new woman in his life, if indeed there is one, is just a way to not have to look at himself and his own behavior. It's not that you are not worthy of a beautiful relationship based on kindness, respect, caring, and trust. You absolutely are worthy. It's that he is not capable of those things. Again, if there is a new woman in his life, I feel for her. She is unlikely to have an easy time of it.
Please do take good care of yourself!
It's been my understanding that many, many active alcoholics don't really have deep relationships with anything except alcohol. It is their priority. The new woman in his life, if indeed there is one, is just a way to not have to look at himself and his own behavior. It's not that you are not worthy of a beautiful relationship based on kindness, respect, caring, and trust. You absolutely are worthy. It's that he is not capable of those things. Again, if there is a new woman in his life, I feel for her. She is unlikely to have an easy time of it.
Please do take good care of yourself!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
If he asks what would you do if I were an alcoholic? That’s a clue.
maybe if you told him you would stick like glue and enable him you could be the roommate right now!
its hard to hide addiction from someone who is right next to you in the same house!
You dodged a huge bullet and lots of misery so be grateful you knew enough to give him a very honest answer that set you free!
maybe if you told him you would stick like glue and enable him you could be the roommate right now!
its hard to hide addiction from someone who is right next to you in the same house!
You dodged a huge bullet and lots of misery so be grateful you knew enough to give him a very honest answer that set you free!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
Men are dogs. Well, not the men on this forum, but most are. You knew he was a dog. You refused to move in with him.
Your ex-whatever-he-is simply found someone who asked less of him. To his credit, he DID tell you relation.ships weren't his strong suit. He didn't like your pets.He drank a lot. .
Some people just aren't good at saying "I don't want to see you any more." I'm not, and dating after I became widowed, someone called me out on ghosting on him. I got better, but it was never my strong point either.
Your ex-whatever-he-is simply found someone who asked less of him. To his credit, he DID tell you relation.ships weren't his strong suit. He didn't like your pets.He drank a lot. .
Some people just aren't good at saying "I don't want to see you any more." I'm not, and dating after I became widowed, someone called me out on ghosting on him. I got better, but it was never my strong point either.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Lalee
This guy might or might not be an alcoholic.
I am very inspired by your post. I believe you did these two basic things so well:
1. You asked him regularly about plans and the status of your relationship.
2. You didn't ignore the "red flags."
Dating is supposed to be all about discerning if you have a future with someone.
He showed you some basic incompatibilities that won't work long-term.
You found out that you two are not a match.
This guy might or might not be an alcoholic.
I am very inspired by your post. I believe you did these two basic things so well:
1. You asked him regularly about plans and the status of your relationship.
2. You didn't ignore the "red flags."
Dating is supposed to be all about discerning if you have a future with someone.
He showed you some basic incompatibilities that won't work long-term.
You found out that you two are not a match.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 7
Thank you everyone for making me feel welcome here and for your replies. Hopeworks even gave me a chuckle!
Taking a closer look at my part in this and I think I may have turned a blind eye to some things because if I didn’t I would have to admit to myself I wasn’t as far a long with my own issues as I thought. I was once again in a relationship that needed codependency to survive. It was just easier to focus on him moving as a reason this was going to end than me having to do the right (hard) thing for myself I guess.
From reading so many stories here I guess I did dodge a bullet. I am probably fooling myself of what could have been. It couldn’t. 🙁
Taking a closer look at my part in this and I think I may have turned a blind eye to some things because if I didn’t I would have to admit to myself I wasn’t as far a long with my own issues as I thought. I was once again in a relationship that needed codependency to survive. It was just easier to focus on him moving as a reason this was going to end than me having to do the right (hard) thing for myself I guess.
From reading so many stories here I guess I did dodge a bullet. I am probably fooling myself of what could have been. It couldn’t. 🙁
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 7
Thank you Eauchiche. That was therapy. Making sure I was getting MY needs met and honoring my “self”. I didn’t like having to do it very much but I remember times in my life when I didn’t do that and the fallout for me was so much worse. However, in that same therapy what I didn’t do so well was listen to myself. Trust myself. When I brought up concerns about how much he could drink, showed pics of him passed out by the pool belly-up with his mouth open, and other little things, my therapist said, “we’ll put a pin in that, he is a big guy and can consume a lot”. I don’t blame her because I know in some way I was hoping she gave the greenlight and I was the one with firsthand knowledge of what I was witnessing. So my next lesson will be to trust myself!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by Lalee 
if someone says they think they may be an alcoholic, is that pretty much a yes, they are?
In fact in reading your post, all the signs are there, granted he was hedging, but yes, all there.
It looks like he was testing the waters with you. He's hard to live with, doesn't know if he can live with someone else etc etc. He is hiding something. Then finally, the discussion that involves him hinting at his alcoholism, will she just accept that? You said you would have to leave.
He didn't choose the sand and surf or palm trees instead of you, what he needs is someone that will accept him AND his drinking, it's a joint deal for him.
Perhaps there is comfort in knowing this really wasn't about you at all. He is an alcoholic and he wants to drink when he wants to, you do not fit in to that lifestyle (although it sounds like he was hoping you might but probably really knew you wouldn't).
I hope you will stick around and keep posting, you might also want to read other threads here as you will no doubt see some things that resonate with you.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
Given his [relative] honesty about his desired lifestyle, it's possible HE thought you guys were over romantically, and your continued contact was to him, a mutually agreeable FWB kind of thing. I suspect even though there were women's clothes in the closet, it's still a FWB, just a real convenient one.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
As a card carrying recovering codependent i always remember this:
Red flags are NOT party favors so do not collect them!
if you are an ACOA there is a magnet in our brain chemistry that we must not allow to direct us into stink in’ thinkin’ romantically.
the fireworks we experience for the screwed up (but super hot, smart, funny, charismatic blah, blah, blah guy who has an electric current durging across the room... well... it’s a trick! Broken brain syndrome.... how do they know to target us?
its a mystery... but I gave up those guys. I am in recovery... and happy, joyous and free!
Did I mention all my qualifiers are dead😉... I loved them to the end but I broke up with them before it killed me.
Trust me... your gut is right. Stick around. Welcome home.
Red flags are NOT party favors so do not collect them!
if you are an ACOA there is a magnet in our brain chemistry that we must not allow to direct us into stink in’ thinkin’ romantically.
the fireworks we experience for the screwed up (but super hot, smart, funny, charismatic blah, blah, blah guy who has an electric current durging across the room... well... it’s a trick! Broken brain syndrome.... how do they know to target us?
its a mystery... but I gave up those guys. I am in recovery... and happy, joyous and free!
Did I mention all my qualifiers are dead😉... I loved them to the end but I broke up with them before it killed me.
Trust me... your gut is right. Stick around. Welcome home.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 7
Thank you for those words. I hate to admit it’s been a difficult couple of days. I have been trying to push down my feelings and the need to write more here but it’s not working. I know that if I just accept the truth, the things that I am now seeing with a clearer lens, I can set myself free but I keep doubting myself. Even when my XA moved he said the first thing he did was set up his bar. That went right over my head! With that said, I agree with Hopeworks that keeping it from someone you live with would have been just a matter of time. And then what, I gave up everything that IS good in my life for that?! I didn’t experience the fallout with him (much to his credit of managing my exposure) but many years ago I was dealing with the up close and personal ugliness of it all and it was a train wreck. I remember being in our beyond beautiful home, closing the bathroom door and crying my eyes out as I slid down to the floor wanting to be anywhere but there. It was from that past experience I was able to say this time that I would leave if my bf was in fact an alcoholic. I did everything to “help” that first ex stop using pills. Nothing worked, had a ton more of painful times and it left me with zero self esteem. Now I’m in pain just because of a closet full of clothes and imaging how it’s all a bed of roses. I don’t want to keeping feeling this way, like I lost out and he (and she) are having a normal loving relationship.
Ironically my other ex is married now however I feel so completely confident he is still an addict and his lucky bride just accepted so much more than I did. It’s because I saw all of his addictive behavior up close and personal and I twisted myself into a pretzel to help him recover while he did nothing that I have that peace.
Ironically my other ex is married now however I feel so completely confident he is still an addict and his lucky bride just accepted so much more than I did. It’s because I saw all of his addictive behavior up close and personal and I twisted myself into a pretzel to help him recover while he did nothing that I have that peace.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
It is hard! Even if your ex is a complete jerk, it's still hard. As you nodoubt know from your previous relationship as well, you have hope. Hope that he isn't really an alcoholic, maybe just drinking too much and can cut down to some normal level. That the good parts are really the great thing and the other things can be somewhat overlooked.
But with your wisdom you knew that was not the case, that having "hope" that he would miraculously not be an alcoholic was futile.
This miracle of him suddenly being able to live with someone - keep in mind that he asked you not only to move in to his current place but to move with him and you declined basically. The new person will stay until she either can't take the drinking anymore or will be someone who can just go along with it. You are not that person, right?
It's still hard to lose someone that you were attached to, that you did like/love, but that you couldn't carry on the relationship because of his drinking. So it will take time to get over, there will be sadness, but it's important to keep uppermost in your mind why it ended.
Maybe even writing a list of all the manipulative and mean things he did will help, so that you can refer to it. It's easy to forget those things when you are ruminating about how much fun he is (not really) having. I don't think there is such a thing as a "happy" alcoholic.
But with your wisdom you knew that was not the case, that having "hope" that he would miraculously not be an alcoholic was futile.
This miracle of him suddenly being able to live with someone - keep in mind that he asked you not only to move in to his current place but to move with him and you declined basically. The new person will stay until she either can't take the drinking anymore or will be someone who can just go along with it. You are not that person, right?
It's still hard to lose someone that you were attached to, that you did like/love, but that you couldn't carry on the relationship because of his drinking. So it will take time to get over, there will be sadness, but it's important to keep uppermost in your mind why it ended.
Maybe even writing a list of all the manipulative and mean things he did will help, so that you can refer to it. It's easy to forget those things when you are ruminating about how much fun he is (not really) having. I don't think there is such a thing as a "happy" alcoholic.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Material comforts can never make up for the pain of dealing with an unreliable and deteriorating addict. You chose wisely.
Addicts, and I include myself as a former drinker in this group, aren't typically bad people, but they have bad problems that spill over into their intimate family. This is the reality of daily life and it is healthy you decided that it wasn't the life you wanted for yourself.
Your ex may be a wonderful person sober, but he isn't sober, and he isn't likely to be sober from what you have shared. Drinking is his lifestyle. This other person chose to accept / live that truth with him. You decided you wanted better for yourself.
Well done in my view.
Addicts, and I include myself as a former drinker in this group, aren't typically bad people, but they have bad problems that spill over into their intimate family. This is the reality of daily life and it is healthy you decided that it wasn't the life you wanted for yourself.
Your ex may be a wonderful person sober, but he isn't sober, and he isn't likely to be sober from what you have shared. Drinking is his lifestyle. This other person chose to accept / live that truth with him. You decided you wanted better for yourself.
Well done in my view.
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Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 7
Thank you both for your replies. I had such a peaceful day after reading them. Trailmix you are right, I have to remember why it ended. If I just believe the truth, the facts, and go with if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck mentality I will be ok. As Lumen said no one is going to just blurt that out. Just because he and I didn’t discuss it as an element during our relationship doesn’t mean it wasn’t an element. I was just not seeing it. I do now!
Thanks for your insight everyone.
Thanks for your insight everyone.
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