Day 3 and heartbroken
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 94
Day 3 and heartbroken
Hey guys, I'm on day 3 and doing pretty well, considering. A little bit of anxiety but not too bad luckily.
This past weekend, my husband of 12 years and I got into a huge argument. He told me loved me but he wasn't in love with me. So I felt him cool off for a few days and wanted to ask him about saying that because he has a habit of saying things he doesn't mean.
He told me that he does love me and that he doesn't want anything to happen to me but he doesn't love me as his wife.
and that just completely devastated me. I can't stop crying. I know he has a right to feel the way that he does but its hurts so damn bad I took off my wedding rings because I dont deserve to wear them. Hes not a die hard romantic so he probably wont even notice.
I wish I could fast forward 6 months or a year and prove to him I'm sober for good this time....but I cant and I just.... hurt
This past weekend, my husband of 12 years and I got into a huge argument. He told me loved me but he wasn't in love with me. So I felt him cool off for a few days and wanted to ask him about saying that because he has a habit of saying things he doesn't mean.
He told me that he does love me and that he doesn't want anything to happen to me but he doesn't love me as his wife.
and that just completely devastated me. I can't stop crying. I know he has a right to feel the way that he does but its hurts so damn bad I took off my wedding rings because I dont deserve to wear them. Hes not a die hard romantic so he probably wont even notice. I wish I could fast forward 6 months or a year and prove to him I'm sober for good this time....but I cant and I just.... hurt
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
RHJ,
So sorry for what you are going through. I divorced years ago not because of, but certainly not helped by, our drinking.
In hindsight, it was a difficult yet pivotal moment in my life. Also in hindsight, it was absolutely the right thing.
Who knows how things will work out? Every marriage goes through high and low points. If your drinking has had an impact, quitting is the biggest step you can take towards mitigating that harm. That makes it so important to keep going, no matter how things evolve.
I think it is so important to be sober for personal reasons. That way, the foundation of your sobriety rests on factors you can control. Then those close to you can benefit from your life change.
Best wishes,
-bora
So sorry for what you are going through. I divorced years ago not because of, but certainly not helped by, our drinking.
In hindsight, it was a difficult yet pivotal moment in my life. Also in hindsight, it was absolutely the right thing.
Who knows how things will work out? Every marriage goes through high and low points. If your drinking has had an impact, quitting is the biggest step you can take towards mitigating that harm. That makes it so important to keep going, no matter how things evolve.
I think it is so important to be sober for personal reasons. That way, the foundation of your sobriety rests on factors you can control. Then those close to you can benefit from your life change.
Best wishes,
-bora
Last edited by boreas; 09-01-2020 at 08:03 AM. Reason: grammer
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Hi Jen. Ah, so much of your message rings a bell. I'm in the process of separating from my wife...I came here six months ago completely heart broken, completely broken in general.
Hearing her tell me (after 20 years of marriage) that she just didn't love me anymore - well, it's up there with the birth of my kids as the emotional moments I'll never forget. But for not such a good reason!
My drinking led to this point. I couldn't be a good husband worthy of her. But with the help of a brilliant therapist, a monthly group on here who surely must be sick of my moaning on and on but remain patient with me, and by staying sober, I'm beginning to put one foot in front of another and forging a new life for myself.
It's not been easy and still isn't and anyone who gives you advice now feel free to tell them to stick it! I've learned to sit with how I feel - I've cried on a daily basis for six months about all sorts of different things - not change how I feel. I'm coming to terms with the past, my regret and remorse, and actually I'm not such a bad person.
But boy - that pain - yes, I hear you
Hearing her tell me (after 20 years of marriage) that she just didn't love me anymore - well, it's up there with the birth of my kids as the emotional moments I'll never forget. But for not such a good reason!
My drinking led to this point. I couldn't be a good husband worthy of her. But with the help of a brilliant therapist, a monthly group on here who surely must be sick of my moaning on and on but remain patient with me, and by staying sober, I'm beginning to put one foot in front of another and forging a new life for myself.
It's not been easy and still isn't and anyone who gives you advice now feel free to tell them to stick it! I've learned to sit with how I feel - I've cried on a daily basis for six months about all sorts of different things - not change how I feel. I'm coming to terms with the past, my regret and remorse, and actually I'm not such a bad person.
But boy - that pain - yes, I hear you
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,407
Stay sober today as that’s all you can do. You’re powerless over anybody else’s feelings and you can only live your authentic true existence each day. It is impossible to know what is good or bad in life as looking back it’s often possible to see how things seemed to happen for a reason although at the time they seemed intolerable. All I know is that as long as I stay sober and live recovery my life will be OK 🙏
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Jen, I'm really sorry you were hit with this. First off, stay sober. It will help you enormously as you navigate through these issues with your husband. Have you talked to him about the possibility of couples counselling or would he be open to that? And, know for sure, you will be able to get through this.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: England
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Sometimes people "fall out of love" owing to a partners behaviour, but if a partner changes that, I have known people fall back in love with the same person. I can't comment on your situation, but I have seen this happen.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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My wife came up to me this morning and she was crying. I seriously thought someone had died. No. A kitchen appliance had stopped working, that we had an argument about last week, and she thought I would be angry with her. My years of behavior caused this, and it will take time to fix. Her reaction really caught me off guard, and I was glad to not have been hungover. Give your husband some time and keep staying sober. Good luck.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 774
That is unfortunate. I don't know what on earth possessed him to say something like that when you are so early in recovery. Unfortunately non-alcoholics (I'm assuming your husband is not an alcoholic) simply don't get it.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 622
This may sound harsh but...
That is unfortunate. I don't know what on earth possessed him to say something like that when you are so early in recovery. Unfortunately non-alcoholics (I'm assuming your husband is not an alcoholic) simply don't get it.
Is it possible that non-alcoholics get "it" and us alcoholics don't get until we sober up after time?
That is unfortunate. I don't know what on earth possessed him to say something like that when you are so early in recovery. Unfortunately non-alcoholics (I'm assuming your husband is not an alcoholic) simply don't get it.
Is it possible that non-alcoholics get "it" and us alcoholics don't get until we sober up after time?
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: Eastern US
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Hi Jen, I posted in your other thread "How is it going" but this answers that. Has he ever been controlling? I ask because maybe he is uncomfortable with you getting sober and this is his way of taking back control? May be a long shot but just trying to help. I am sorry about what is happening. When it comes down to it the only person we can control is ourselves.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by MaximusD 
Hi Jen, I posted in your other thread "How is it going" but this answers that. Has he ever been controlling? I ask because maybe he is uncomfortable with you getting sober and this is his way of taking back control? May be a long shot but just trying to help. I am sorry about what is happening. When it comes down to it the only person we can control is ourselves.
This is all so frickin hard because I'm living with him almost every waking moment of the day but hes just so disconnected and shows no affection, my heart hurts. It's weird, last week I was drunk and he loved me and now I'm sober, he shows zero love or affection. I'm feeling very isolated and starting to get depressed.....not good where I'm at right now. Why is this all supposed to be worth it when it hurts so damn much? 
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: England
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Originally Posted by RedheadJen
He IS a self proclaimed narcissist. And I have thought of your idea also but I think I've just hurt him so much over the last few years.....I dunno This is all so frickin hard because I'm living with him almost every waking moment of the day but hes just so disconnected and shows no affection, my heart hurts. It's weird, last week I was drunk and he loved me and now I'm sober, he shows zero love or affection. I'm feeling very isolated and starting to get depressed.....not good where I'm at right now. Why is this all supposed to be worth it when it hurts so damn much?
This is all so frickin hard because I'm living with him almost every waking moment of the day but hes just so disconnected and shows no affection, my heart hurts. It's weird, last week I was drunk and he loved me and now I'm sober, he shows zero love or affection. I'm feeling very isolated and starting to get depressed.....not good where I'm at right now. Why is this all supposed to be worth it when it hurts so damn much? Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Jen, I urge you to hang in there and be patient. I was all over the map in the early days, trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged in my family. And, my thoughts and feelings kept changing every few days as I began to deal with the wreckage of my life. I know that I didn't have clarity in the first few months of sobriety, but it did come. I'm sorry that you're in pain about your relationship and that you're feeling depressed. My suggestion is to take action regarding your depression and see if it will improve. Get some exercise every day, eat regularly and well, listen to music you love. Take care of you, stay sober and I think that you will start to feel better and to see things in your life more clearly.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
When I was 3 days sober my husband wasn’t speaking to me because I’d done some really stupid things in a blackout affecting him and his workplace.
But I was in a different world.
He said to me “you need to stop drinking and you need to get help for it and I haven’t decided if I’m divorcing you yet.”
I said. “Yeah I haven’t decided if I’m divorcing YOU. I’m getting sober and it’s all I’m going to focus on, think about, and rearrange my life around for a long time. I’m not sure if you’re going to be a safe influence for my sobriety so I’ll have to see if I can stay with you. My sobriety comes first.”
This is about YOU. Get sober, get real, learn the authentic you inside you, instead of the you that is reflected in a man’s eyes. He is insignificant here. Forget him for awhile. Stay where you are so you’re not dealing with massive changes (sobriety is enough!! Sobriety is your massive change), but forget him and his nonsense. His words are a bunch of nonsense.
throw that right back in his face too. It’s the truth, you DON’T know if he’s a safe person for your most important, most life changing, most impressive, internally terrifying, courageous and monumental undertaking you’ve just started for yourself.
husbands. Bah. You can take care of yourself. And if he’s still there and you still happen to like him a year from now, guess he can stay, but that’s back burner stuff right now. He is on the back burner.
now go get yourself back.
But I was in a different world.
He said to me “you need to stop drinking and you need to get help for it and I haven’t decided if I’m divorcing you yet.”
I said. “Yeah I haven’t decided if I’m divorcing YOU. I’m getting sober and it’s all I’m going to focus on, think about, and rearrange my life around for a long time. I’m not sure if you’re going to be a safe influence for my sobriety so I’ll have to see if I can stay with you. My sobriety comes first.”
This is about YOU. Get sober, get real, learn the authentic you inside you, instead of the you that is reflected in a man’s eyes. He is insignificant here. Forget him for awhile. Stay where you are so you’re not dealing with massive changes (sobriety is enough!! Sobriety is your massive change), but forget him and his nonsense. His words are a bunch of nonsense.
throw that right back in his face too. It’s the truth, you DON’T know if he’s a safe person for your most important, most life changing, most impressive, internally terrifying, courageous and monumental undertaking you’ve just started for yourself.
husbands. Bah. You can take care of yourself. And if he’s still there and you still happen to like him a year from now, guess he can stay, but that’s back burner stuff right now. He is on the back burner.
now go get yourself back.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by Anna
Jen, I urge you to hang in there and be patient. I was all over the map in the early days, trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged in my family. And, my thoughts and feelings kept changing every few days as I began to deal with the wreckage of my life. I know that I didn't have clarity in the first few months of sobriety, but it did come. I'm sorry that you're in pain about your relationship and that you're feeling depressed. My suggestion is to take action regarding your depression and see if it will improve. Get some exercise every day, eat regularly and well, listen to music you love. Take care of you, stay sober and I think that you will start to feel better and to see things in your life more clearly.
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