Dumped by alcoholic boyfriend
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Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 11
Dumped by alcoholic boyfriend
I have never posted on one of these forums before but am feeling at such a loss after my AExBF dumped me just over two weeks ago, I guess I need a shoulder to cry on from people who might understand. I’m sorry for it being so long.
So basically, we had been going out together for 3 years. I don’t think I realised at first that there was a major problem with alcohol (although I do remember asking after one of our first dates if he liked a bit of a drink, which he brushed off). Our early dates consisted of lots of drinking and laughing. His flat was not particularly well looked after but I wasn’t that bothered at first and I guess I didn’t notice that much at first. Later I would come at weekends and clean up the place a bit.
A few months in and there had been a few snappy comments made, the phone hung up on me and I was screamed at at one point when he had been drinking. There would always be a genuine apology afterwards and even though I was a bit bewildered by these outbursts, nobody had made me laugh as much as him for years. He was smart, funny and different. I liked how he was boyish (he was 37) and I felt quite nurturing towards him and it felt good. He was a talented musician but seemed to have lost all interest in his music. I guess it became my mission to help him rediscover his passion for music and for life. I was quite hurt when he once said ‘We never had a honeymoon period’ as I guess we never, as he always seemed to have some issue.
About 10 months into the relationship we went on holiday to a foreign country where alcohol wasn’t easily acquired. During this trip he suddenly screamed at me that he hated the place and after finding a supermarket, bought a huge bottle of vodka which he drank in silence in our hotel room that night. I was scared and confused and didn’t really grasp what was happening. A large part of the holiday was ruined by him wanting to drink and me not understanding why the mainly funny, sweet guy I knew was acting so bizarrely. I thought we were going to have a romantic first holiday together but there was barely any sex and lots of outbursts, drinking, quiet moods mixed with sweet behaviour.
Following the trip, I was very upset and perplexed. Having spent a long time researching some of the unusual behaviour I had noticed from him, I decided he must have ADHD. In an emotional meeting (I was upset, he showed no emotion), he agreed that he thought he had all the symptoms and agreed to a test. The test was negative but he was told he might have some anxiety.
I then paid for him to see a counsellor but he only attended 2 or 3 sessions. He seemed down some of the time but hilariously funny at others. I had noticed over time that he didn’t really like physical contact (cuddling, hugging), didn’t make a great amount of eye contact, and due to this and other things I noticed, I began to wonder if there could be some link with aspergers although I did not share this with him for a very long time. Maybe I was in denial about the alcohol and so was trying to find explanations and reasons for his erratic behaviour.
Our sex life was barely there. At first I thought it was sweet that he wasn’t pestering me for sex and thought it was cute when he’d pass out after drinking but as the months went by, I started to question if It was because he didn’t find me attractive and this ate away at me. He would tell me he was attracted to me and that sex was really important in a relationship but didn’t seem to have much desire for it. On a date with a partner, I was used to having a few drinks and then going home for some romance, but he would rather just go to another pub and then another pub and then go home and fall asleep.
Other repeated behaviours included:
- cancelling me going to his at the last minute as he was feeling anxious (after drinking the night before)
- turning up late to meet me
- coming to my house and falling asleep
- seeming anxious/ down
- seeming super happy and fun when drinking
I had a lot of anxiety over these behaviours as I did t really understand what was going on, but I attributed it to my OCD, for which I was seeing a therapist.
We also had our first new year’s eve where he ‘joked’ that I could lose some weight and the 2nd New Year’s Day where I was staying with him and he went to visit an alcoholic neighbour to give him some chocolates and still hadn’t returned an hour later. I got a cab home. He didn’t really see what the issue was.
Anyway, despite all of this, after 2 years together we decided to move in together. I did all of the property searches alone, and once I had found a suitable house, arranged everything with the estate agents, organised my own move and then organised his. I booked the removal vans and skips, spent hours scrubbing his flat, decorated our new house, did up the garden...pretty much everything.
I was excited -and slightly nervous- to move in together and thought there would be a lot more sex and a lot less drinking, that the intimacy that had been lacking would improve if we saw each other every day. I also thought he would be happier living in a nice house in a nice area. I was looking forward to a nice new life together.
A year after moving in, he dumped me. This was after a year of him binge drinking most weekends (mainly lager) and a lot more during lockdown. He would:
- go for long walks and come back and fall asleep. I’d then find lager & occasionally vodka in his bag
- lose things frequently (phones, vapers, keys, his bank card, my bank card)
- sometimes be found drinking in the morning (3 or 4 times throughout the year). I told him this was not acceptable and his excuse was that he was just finishing off the drinks left over from
the night before and as it was not a weekday, it was ok
- occasionally leave front doors unlocked
- hide drinks
- frequently fall asleep on the sofa after drinking and then either drink again the next day or be anxious after drinking
- spill drinks on the floor/ walls
I bought him a bike, booked a badminton lesson, booked time in a recording studio, bought board games, arranged cinema tickets, advertised for band members for him, posted his music on different sites, looked after the house (he did help at times), took him on a flying lesson with me... and he was grateful. But over time, I felt like I was doing everything. He told me he knew he was self-absorbed and I was beginning to see it. There seemed to be no grown up, responsible behaviour, almost like looking after a drunk teenager. I had lived with a partner before and we shared everything and I felt like someone had my back. Here, I felt like I was doing almost everything for the two of us and he was doing mostly everything for himself.
He booked a city trip abroad for my birthday last year and I was delighted with that. It was the first time I’d seen him organise something and was very touched. I booked a range of activities for us to do while we were there in order to avoid us just sitting around drinking. Once again, I thought we would have a romantic holiday but once again, alcohol was more important. I remember one night thinking we might have sex but instead he watched a film and drank more lagers in bed. I was so disappointed. There were no outbursts this time but there was some moodiness.
Obviously we had some nice times together where there was laughter and tender moments, where we would dance in the kitchen, give each other foot rubs or massages and where he confided he thought he had a drink problem and that he never used to be like this. I told him I would help him in any way possible. He often told me I was an angel, that I was the best person he’d ever met, that I deserved the best and that he needed to look after me.
Over the past few months, growing increasingly anxious about erratic behaviour and drinking, I shared my concerns with his family (not my own family, as I didn’t want to make him look bad in their eyes). I bought him hypnotherapy CDs, books ( which he consulted briefly) and offered to pay for an alcohol counsellor, which he refused.
The drinking continued to get worse and after a 5 day bender, during which he managed to upset both me and his parents resulting in me packing a bag for him to leave, he agreed that he was an alcoholic, wanted his life to end as fast as possible and agreed to go to the counsellor. I was broken hearted to see him in this state. A talented young guy, just being eaten up by alcohol.
After his first session with the counsellor he went out and got drunk ‘as the night out had already been arranged’. At some point between his 1st and 2nd session he went out for lunch with a friend at 12:30pm, had still not returned by 5:30pm and I’d not heard anything from him. Extremely upset, I went out hiking with his sister and when he returned home later that night and realised he was locked out and I wasn’t in (he’d not taken his keys) he texted and called me ‘a ******* c***’, something he had never said to me before. He apologised the next day and was full of remorse.
For this comment he received some harsh words from his counsellor who told him that it was totally unacceptable behaviour and that he needed to show he was sorry through actions and not words. He then stopped drinking for 2 weeks. He was reading books about quitting, watching videos and seemed to be taking it very seriously. I was proud of him. He then had just 1 drink at a party and was proud of himself and told me there had been a shift in his mindset and that he’d never drink like that ever again.
I was so happy to hear this. He then had more drinks the next night and more again the night after. I thought ‘Just let him be, he’s done well, it’s the weekend, don’t nag him’.
The following week he didn’t drink again, until we went to a family BBQ at the weekend. When we got home I found a bottle of wine in his bag and fearful that he’d drink the next morning and slip into old habits, I put it in the cupboard. That night he cuddled up to me in bed- a rarity I was delighted with- and we fell asleep.
The following morning he woke me up saying gently ‘Do you remember taking a bottle of wine from
my bag and putting it somewhere?’. Half awake I said ‘Oh yes, it’s in the cupboard’ at which point he says ‘Don’t ever touch my stuff again or I’ll kill you’. Now I wasn’t scared at this as he wouldn’t hurt a fly, but I told him it wasn’t the most romantic way to be woken up. He then accused me of treating him like a child and went out walking for several hours.
When he returned I made him breakfast even though he was in a foul mood and he offered to take me for lunch later on. I apologised for going in his bag, explained my fears and told him I wouldn’t do it again. Later on as he sat near me, I casually asked if he’d had a drink while he was out earlier and he threw my phone on the sofa, said he’d had enough and that he wasn’t happy. I was in tears and he told me he was going to the pub for 2 pints and I could join him if I wanted. I declined. He then came home and went to the bedroom where he drank all night while I was downstairs alone.
I asked him the following morning if he meant what he said and he said we weren’t suited, he wasn’t happy, I wasn’t happy and said he was going to move out.
I was visiting family that day but texted him to ask if he was moving out (I thought maybe he’d just said what he’d said due to being drunk). He ignored my text. He then ignored all of my texts for the following 3 days, including the link his counsellor had sent for his online session. The only text he replied to was 4 days later when I told him I’d be home in the morning so he could dump me to my face like a man. He then replied saying I was too good for him and deserved better and that he didn’t want to leave but that he wanted to drink, that life was boring without it. I asked if he’d been drinking and he said no.
When I went to see him in our house the following morning there were remnants of drinks around the place. He seemed more bothered about getting his work done than about the last face to face conversation we would ever have. Again, he told me I deserved better than him, was the best person he’d ever met, deserved a guy who would treat me better etc. I told him I’d decide what I deserved. He then said we were too different. I told him we weren’t and pointed out our joint interests. I told him the only difference was alcohol. He told me he just wanted to have fun and that included drinking and that I was too rigid. I told him I wasn’t rigid but that he was an alcoholic. He said he didn’t agree. I told him that just because he’d given up on himself didn’t mean that I was going to give up on him. I offered him all the help in the world but he wasn’t interested if it meant he couldn’t drink. He then opened a can of lager, just after 11am and said ‘shall we put a song on?’
I asked him if he’d attended his counselling session that week and he said no. The reason? ‘I didn’t want to’. I reminded him how only recently he’d spoken of having a completely different mindset and he said ‘Well that was last week wasn’t it’.
He then went back to his work and put on a boxing video. I was trying to finish our conversation but he acted as though it was just an inconvenience. I packed a bag and took my dog and left to stay with my sister for 2 weeks.
He then went camping for 3 days and after losing yet another phone, emailed me me telling me he knew he’d made a massive mistake and that he knew a girl like me would never take him back. I told him it was too late.
I gave him his deposit back and a bit extra and told him he didn’t need to give me any rent for this month and could stay in the house for 2 weeks while he looked for something and then would have to stay with his family. I asked him to box his stuff up and that he could collect his furniture when he had found something permanent. He went to stay with his parents yesterday so I finally returned home after sleeping on a sofa for 2 weeks.
On my return, the house had been tidied and there were flowers and wine left for me. I have cried every day since he dumped me and although I was heartbroken, I initially felt some relief that I would no longer have to constantly worry about someone else’s drinking or erratic, unreliable behaviours. But returning to the house yesterday was horrible. I felt angry with the flowers and wine, angry with myself for everything I’d put up with -my choice I know- and angry at him for leaving me. Nothing had been boxed up either. I just felt consumed with rage.
Now I just feel so hurt and devastated and am sobbing for hours every day. My family - who I have now confided in- tell me it’s because I got in the way of his drinking and that it’s nothing to do with me but I just feel so abandoned. I don’t want to be the victim, I want to be ok, but I feel dreadful. I thought he loved me and that he’d do anything to be with me. Now I feel guilty that I pushed too hard, maybe was too critical and I just feel so alone.
I know I couldn’t have endured that for much longer but I’m wondering how desperate I must have been to keep tolerating all of this. And now I’m wondering what is wrong with me that despite all of these things, I didn’t walk away. Codependent? The only relationship in my life I haven’t walked away from. I saw the good in him and the lovely gentle side and I’m shocked and devastated that this has happened. I can’t quite get my head around it and I didn’t ever think that I would be this heartbroken.
If you have had the patience to read all of this, thank you. Please be kind with your comments.
So basically, we had been going out together for 3 years. I don’t think I realised at first that there was a major problem with alcohol (although I do remember asking after one of our first dates if he liked a bit of a drink, which he brushed off). Our early dates consisted of lots of drinking and laughing. His flat was not particularly well looked after but I wasn’t that bothered at first and I guess I didn’t notice that much at first. Later I would come at weekends and clean up the place a bit.
A few months in and there had been a few snappy comments made, the phone hung up on me and I was screamed at at one point when he had been drinking. There would always be a genuine apology afterwards and even though I was a bit bewildered by these outbursts, nobody had made me laugh as much as him for years. He was smart, funny and different. I liked how he was boyish (he was 37) and I felt quite nurturing towards him and it felt good. He was a talented musician but seemed to have lost all interest in his music. I guess it became my mission to help him rediscover his passion for music and for life. I was quite hurt when he once said ‘We never had a honeymoon period’ as I guess we never, as he always seemed to have some issue.
About 10 months into the relationship we went on holiday to a foreign country where alcohol wasn’t easily acquired. During this trip he suddenly screamed at me that he hated the place and after finding a supermarket, bought a huge bottle of vodka which he drank in silence in our hotel room that night. I was scared and confused and didn’t really grasp what was happening. A large part of the holiday was ruined by him wanting to drink and me not understanding why the mainly funny, sweet guy I knew was acting so bizarrely. I thought we were going to have a romantic first holiday together but there was barely any sex and lots of outbursts, drinking, quiet moods mixed with sweet behaviour.
Following the trip, I was very upset and perplexed. Having spent a long time researching some of the unusual behaviour I had noticed from him, I decided he must have ADHD. In an emotional meeting (I was upset, he showed no emotion), he agreed that he thought he had all the symptoms and agreed to a test. The test was negative but he was told he might have some anxiety.
I then paid for him to see a counsellor but he only attended 2 or 3 sessions. He seemed down some of the time but hilariously funny at others. I had noticed over time that he didn’t really like physical contact (cuddling, hugging), didn’t make a great amount of eye contact, and due to this and other things I noticed, I began to wonder if there could be some link with aspergers although I did not share this with him for a very long time. Maybe I was in denial about the alcohol and so was trying to find explanations and reasons for his erratic behaviour.
Our sex life was barely there. At first I thought it was sweet that he wasn’t pestering me for sex and thought it was cute when he’d pass out after drinking but as the months went by, I started to question if It was because he didn’t find me attractive and this ate away at me. He would tell me he was attracted to me and that sex was really important in a relationship but didn’t seem to have much desire for it. On a date with a partner, I was used to having a few drinks and then going home for some romance, but he would rather just go to another pub and then another pub and then go home and fall asleep.
Other repeated behaviours included:
- cancelling me going to his at the last minute as he was feeling anxious (after drinking the night before)
- turning up late to meet me
- coming to my house and falling asleep
- seeming anxious/ down
- seeming super happy and fun when drinking
I had a lot of anxiety over these behaviours as I did t really understand what was going on, but I attributed it to my OCD, for which I was seeing a therapist.
We also had our first new year’s eve where he ‘joked’ that I could lose some weight and the 2nd New Year’s Day where I was staying with him and he went to visit an alcoholic neighbour to give him some chocolates and still hadn’t returned an hour later. I got a cab home. He didn’t really see what the issue was.
Anyway, despite all of this, after 2 years together we decided to move in together. I did all of the property searches alone, and once I had found a suitable house, arranged everything with the estate agents, organised my own move and then organised his. I booked the removal vans and skips, spent hours scrubbing his flat, decorated our new house, did up the garden...pretty much everything.
I was excited -and slightly nervous- to move in together and thought there would be a lot more sex and a lot less drinking, that the intimacy that had been lacking would improve if we saw each other every day. I also thought he would be happier living in a nice house in a nice area. I was looking forward to a nice new life together.
A year after moving in, he dumped me. This was after a year of him binge drinking most weekends (mainly lager) and a lot more during lockdown. He would:
- go for long walks and come back and fall asleep. I’d then find lager & occasionally vodka in his bag
- lose things frequently (phones, vapers, keys, his bank card, my bank card)
- sometimes be found drinking in the morning (3 or 4 times throughout the year). I told him this was not acceptable and his excuse was that he was just finishing off the drinks left over from
the night before and as it was not a weekday, it was ok
- occasionally leave front doors unlocked
- hide drinks
- frequently fall asleep on the sofa after drinking and then either drink again the next day or be anxious after drinking
- spill drinks on the floor/ walls
I bought him a bike, booked a badminton lesson, booked time in a recording studio, bought board games, arranged cinema tickets, advertised for band members for him, posted his music on different sites, looked after the house (he did help at times), took him on a flying lesson with me... and he was grateful. But over time, I felt like I was doing everything. He told me he knew he was self-absorbed and I was beginning to see it. There seemed to be no grown up, responsible behaviour, almost like looking after a drunk teenager. I had lived with a partner before and we shared everything and I felt like someone had my back. Here, I felt like I was doing almost everything for the two of us and he was doing mostly everything for himself.
He booked a city trip abroad for my birthday last year and I was delighted with that. It was the first time I’d seen him organise something and was very touched. I booked a range of activities for us to do while we were there in order to avoid us just sitting around drinking. Once again, I thought we would have a romantic holiday but once again, alcohol was more important. I remember one night thinking we might have sex but instead he watched a film and drank more lagers in bed. I was so disappointed. There were no outbursts this time but there was some moodiness.
Obviously we had some nice times together where there was laughter and tender moments, where we would dance in the kitchen, give each other foot rubs or massages and where he confided he thought he had a drink problem and that he never used to be like this. I told him I would help him in any way possible. He often told me I was an angel, that I was the best person he’d ever met, that I deserved the best and that he needed to look after me.
Over the past few months, growing increasingly anxious about erratic behaviour and drinking, I shared my concerns with his family (not my own family, as I didn’t want to make him look bad in their eyes). I bought him hypnotherapy CDs, books ( which he consulted briefly) and offered to pay for an alcohol counsellor, which he refused.
The drinking continued to get worse and after a 5 day bender, during which he managed to upset both me and his parents resulting in me packing a bag for him to leave, he agreed that he was an alcoholic, wanted his life to end as fast as possible and agreed to go to the counsellor. I was broken hearted to see him in this state. A talented young guy, just being eaten up by alcohol.
After his first session with the counsellor he went out and got drunk ‘as the night out had already been arranged’. At some point between his 1st and 2nd session he went out for lunch with a friend at 12:30pm, had still not returned by 5:30pm and I’d not heard anything from him. Extremely upset, I went out hiking with his sister and when he returned home later that night and realised he was locked out and I wasn’t in (he’d not taken his keys) he texted and called me ‘a ******* c***’, something he had never said to me before. He apologised the next day and was full of remorse.
For this comment he received some harsh words from his counsellor who told him that it was totally unacceptable behaviour and that he needed to show he was sorry through actions and not words. He then stopped drinking for 2 weeks. He was reading books about quitting, watching videos and seemed to be taking it very seriously. I was proud of him. He then had just 1 drink at a party and was proud of himself and told me there had been a shift in his mindset and that he’d never drink like that ever again.
I was so happy to hear this. He then had more drinks the next night and more again the night after. I thought ‘Just let him be, he’s done well, it’s the weekend, don’t nag him’.
The following week he didn’t drink again, until we went to a family BBQ at the weekend. When we got home I found a bottle of wine in his bag and fearful that he’d drink the next morning and slip into old habits, I put it in the cupboard. That night he cuddled up to me in bed- a rarity I was delighted with- and we fell asleep.
The following morning he woke me up saying gently ‘Do you remember taking a bottle of wine from
my bag and putting it somewhere?’. Half awake I said ‘Oh yes, it’s in the cupboard’ at which point he says ‘Don’t ever touch my stuff again or I’ll kill you’. Now I wasn’t scared at this as he wouldn’t hurt a fly, but I told him it wasn’t the most romantic way to be woken up. He then accused me of treating him like a child and went out walking for several hours.
When he returned I made him breakfast even though he was in a foul mood and he offered to take me for lunch later on. I apologised for going in his bag, explained my fears and told him I wouldn’t do it again. Later on as he sat near me, I casually asked if he’d had a drink while he was out earlier and he threw my phone on the sofa, said he’d had enough and that he wasn’t happy. I was in tears and he told me he was going to the pub for 2 pints and I could join him if I wanted. I declined. He then came home and went to the bedroom where he drank all night while I was downstairs alone.
I asked him the following morning if he meant what he said and he said we weren’t suited, he wasn’t happy, I wasn’t happy and said he was going to move out.
I was visiting family that day but texted him to ask if he was moving out (I thought maybe he’d just said what he’d said due to being drunk). He ignored my text. He then ignored all of my texts for the following 3 days, including the link his counsellor had sent for his online session. The only text he replied to was 4 days later when I told him I’d be home in the morning so he could dump me to my face like a man. He then replied saying I was too good for him and deserved better and that he didn’t want to leave but that he wanted to drink, that life was boring without it. I asked if he’d been drinking and he said no.
When I went to see him in our house the following morning there were remnants of drinks around the place. He seemed more bothered about getting his work done than about the last face to face conversation we would ever have. Again, he told me I deserved better than him, was the best person he’d ever met, deserved a guy who would treat me better etc. I told him I’d decide what I deserved. He then said we were too different. I told him we weren’t and pointed out our joint interests. I told him the only difference was alcohol. He told me he just wanted to have fun and that included drinking and that I was too rigid. I told him I wasn’t rigid but that he was an alcoholic. He said he didn’t agree. I told him that just because he’d given up on himself didn’t mean that I was going to give up on him. I offered him all the help in the world but he wasn’t interested if it meant he couldn’t drink. He then opened a can of lager, just after 11am and said ‘shall we put a song on?’
I asked him if he’d attended his counselling session that week and he said no. The reason? ‘I didn’t want to’. I reminded him how only recently he’d spoken of having a completely different mindset and he said ‘Well that was last week wasn’t it’.
He then went back to his work and put on a boxing video. I was trying to finish our conversation but he acted as though it was just an inconvenience. I packed a bag and took my dog and left to stay with my sister for 2 weeks.
He then went camping for 3 days and after losing yet another phone, emailed me me telling me he knew he’d made a massive mistake and that he knew a girl like me would never take him back. I told him it was too late.
I gave him his deposit back and a bit extra and told him he didn’t need to give me any rent for this month and could stay in the house for 2 weeks while he looked for something and then would have to stay with his family. I asked him to box his stuff up and that he could collect his furniture when he had found something permanent. He went to stay with his parents yesterday so I finally returned home after sleeping on a sofa for 2 weeks.
On my return, the house had been tidied and there were flowers and wine left for me. I have cried every day since he dumped me and although I was heartbroken, I initially felt some relief that I would no longer have to constantly worry about someone else’s drinking or erratic, unreliable behaviours. But returning to the house yesterday was horrible. I felt angry with the flowers and wine, angry with myself for everything I’d put up with -my choice I know- and angry at him for leaving me. Nothing had been boxed up either. I just felt consumed with rage.
Now I just feel so hurt and devastated and am sobbing for hours every day. My family - who I have now confided in- tell me it’s because I got in the way of his drinking and that it’s nothing to do with me but I just feel so abandoned. I don’t want to be the victim, I want to be ok, but I feel dreadful. I thought he loved me and that he’d do anything to be with me. Now I feel guilty that I pushed too hard, maybe was too critical and I just feel so alone.
I know I couldn’t have endured that for much longer but I’m wondering how desperate I must have been to keep tolerating all of this. And now I’m wondering what is wrong with me that despite all of these things, I didn’t walk away. Codependent? The only relationship in my life I haven’t walked away from. I saw the good in him and the lovely gentle side and I’m shocked and devastated that this has happened. I can’t quite get my head around it and I didn’t ever think that I would be this heartbroken.
If you have had the patience to read all of this, thank you. Please be kind with your comments.
Last edited by Seren; 09-03-2020 at 04:49 AM. Reason: Family-friendly language
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi PaisleyPearl, and Welcome!
I'm really so sorry about all that you've been through. And you are right, you are not alone here.
Your family are absolutely correct. Alcoholics don't drink "at" us, they drink because they are alcoholics. It isn't personal, although it feels intensely personal to us sometimes.
It is a bit quiet here on the weekends, but others will be along to lend their support and share with you their own experiences. I hope, in time, you come to know that you are truly worthy of a loving, supportive, respectful partner. Each day, the pain will be a bit less than the one before. Please stay close to SR, and post as often as you need. Take good care!
I'm really so sorry about all that you've been through. And you are right, you are not alone here.
My family - who I have now confided in- tell me it’s because I got in the way of his drinking and that it’s nothing to do with me but I just feel so abandoned.
It is a bit quiet here on the weekends, but others will be along to lend their support and share with you their own experiences. I hope, in time, you come to know that you are truly worthy of a loving, supportive, respectful partner. Each day, the pain will be a bit less than the one before. Please stay close to SR, and post as often as you need. Take good care!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
It's not that he didn't love you, but he loves his drink more. It's still sad.
I was married to my husband for 25 years. I loved him, but loving an alcoholic is hard. His death three months before our 25th anniversary, saved me from planning an anniversary party that would have been a sham. I had already started separating our personal belongings in preparation to leave.
At one point he said to me, "Don't ask me to choose between you and beer. You won't like the answer."
I was married to my husband for 25 years. I loved him, but loving an alcoholic is hard. His death three months before our 25th anniversary, saved me from planning an anniversary party that would have been a sham. I had already started separating our personal belongings in preparation to leave.
At one point he said to me, "Don't ask me to choose between you and beer. You won't like the answer."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Hi Paisleypearl, I'm really sorry you got hurt and are feeling so sad and abandoned.
I completely understand why. Two things you posted stood out:
In all cases he's not casting you aside, he is saying I want to drink, you don't think I should be drinking, so I must leave - and drink.
Such is the life of an alcoholic, you are either accepting of their drinking or you aren't. Either way, the drinking will come first in pretty much every instance.
I don't know how much you know about alcoholism/addiction, but if you stick around and post and read the posts here, you will start to get a very good idea. He's not rejecting you per se - he is embracing the drinking, that's what alcoholics do. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
You might find some of these stickies really helpful (they are found at the top of this forum):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I hope you will stick around and keep posting, lots of support for you here. You won't always feel this way, you are going to be ok.
I completely understand why. Two things you posted stood out:
I was too good for him and deserved better and that he didn’t want to leave but that he wanted to drink
I offered him all the help in the world but he wasn’t interested if it meant he couldn’t drink.
Such is the life of an alcoholic, you are either accepting of their drinking or you aren't. Either way, the drinking will come first in pretty much every instance.
I don't know how much you know about alcoholism/addiction, but if you stick around and post and read the posts here, you will start to get a very good idea. He's not rejecting you per se - he is embracing the drinking, that's what alcoholics do. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
You might find some of these stickies really helpful (they are found at the top of this forum):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I hope you will stick around and keep posting, lots of support for you here. You won't always feel this way, you are going to be ok.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
“emailed me me telling me he knew he’d made a massive mistake and that he knew a girl like me would never take him back”
this is the start of the classic manipulation and push pull of the alcoholic. They love to push away and then, when they pull you back you’re so grateful and appreciative (normally with promises of getting help and realising they are an alcoholic) of the contact and their promising words you don’t realise they are training you to accept them as they are and as they want to be and you don’t even know it.
not moving their stuff out when asked to is another sign of no real commitment to the split.
this is the start of the classic manipulation and push pull of the alcoholic. They love to push away and then, when they pull you back you’re so grateful and appreciative (normally with promises of getting help and realising they are an alcoholic) of the contact and their promising words you don’t realise they are training you to accept them as they are and as they want to be and you don’t even know it.
not moving their stuff out when asked to is another sign of no real commitment to the split.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
You did a lot for him. It's easy to get into that mode.
Re-read your story to see just how much that stands out.
Take some time to do some reflection, but don't be too hard on yourself. What would you do differently next time?
It can be scary to be alone, but it seems like you were alone in the relationship. He sounds like a dominant character and you got lost in the relationship.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but he had done you a huge favour.
Focus on you for a bit, do some reading on codependency to see if anything resonates, and maybe attend an al-anon meeting.
Spead your wings!!
Re-read your story to see just how much that stands out.
Take some time to do some reflection, but don't be too hard on yourself. What would you do differently next time?
It can be scary to be alone, but it seems like you were alone in the relationship. He sounds like a dominant character and you got lost in the relationship.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but he had done you a huge favour.
Focus on you for a bit, do some reading on codependency to see if anything resonates, and maybe attend an al-anon meeting.
Spead your wings!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 11
Dear All,
Thank you so much for your kind and considerate replies. Had a bad day yesterday so stayed at my brothers but today I went out and bought boxes and have been boxing up his stuff for hours so that I can put it all in one room (well apart from his furniture which is in multiple rooms) and won’t have daily reminders.
I have read a lot of the classics reading materials and stuff on codependency and have been spending a lot of time reflecting and talking to family members who came to visit me today. Done a bit of crying but a lot less than the past few days. Boxing up his stuff is quite empowering I guess and I’ve booked a session with my therapist tomorrow so I can talk things through with him.
My ex told me when we split up he was doing me a favour as he was a nightmare to live with and very shortly after we split up I did realise that that was probably the case. He told me that he loved me so much he wanted me to be happy and that he knew he was just hurting me. I know that he actually wanted the alcohol more than me and with time that will be easier for me to accept.
I know this heartbreak is something that I have to go through to heal and I know that I did everything in my power to help him. I also know there will be good days and bad days for a while and that that’s all part of the process and the learning curve. I am doing daily meditations and a daily gratitude log and I’m also taking my time to write him a long letter that I will burn once I’ve finished it.
Clearing out his stuff I found a letter I’d written to him several months ago saying that this was not the relationship I’d signed up for and that things needed to change. Nothing had changed though. So I know this is for the best and I know that one day I’ll be happy again.
Thank you so much for reading my story. And thanks again for the kindness you have shown to me.
Thank you so much for your kind and considerate replies. Had a bad day yesterday so stayed at my brothers but today I went out and bought boxes and have been boxing up his stuff for hours so that I can put it all in one room (well apart from his furniture which is in multiple rooms) and won’t have daily reminders.
I have read a lot of the classics reading materials and stuff on codependency and have been spending a lot of time reflecting and talking to family members who came to visit me today. Done a bit of crying but a lot less than the past few days. Boxing up his stuff is quite empowering I guess and I’ve booked a session with my therapist tomorrow so I can talk things through with him.
My ex told me when we split up he was doing me a favour as he was a nightmare to live with and very shortly after we split up I did realise that that was probably the case. He told me that he loved me so much he wanted me to be happy and that he knew he was just hurting me. I know that he actually wanted the alcohol more than me and with time that will be easier for me to accept.
I know this heartbreak is something that I have to go through to heal and I know that I did everything in my power to help him. I also know there will be good days and bad days for a while and that that’s all part of the process and the learning curve. I am doing daily meditations and a daily gratitude log and I’m also taking my time to write him a long letter that I will burn once I’ve finished it.
Clearing out his stuff I found a letter I’d written to him several months ago saying that this was not the relationship I’d signed up for and that things needed to change. Nothing had changed though. So I know this is for the best and I know that one day I’ll be happy again.
Thank you so much for reading my story. And thanks again for the kindness you have shown to me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Originally Posted by Paisleypearl 
My ex told me when we split up he was doing me a favour as he was a nightmare to live with and very shortly after we split up I did realise that that was probably the case. He told me that he loved me so much he wanted me to be happy and that he knew he was just hurting me. I know that he actually wanted the alcohol more than me and with time that will be easier for me to accept.
I know this heartbreak is something that I have to go through to heal and I know that I did everything in my power to help him. I also know there will be good days and bad days for a while and that that’s all part of the process and the learning curve. I am doing daily meditations and a daily gratitude log and I’m also taking my time to write him a long letter that I will burn once I’ve finished it.
Relationships with addicts are so very contra-intuitive. All the rules go out the window.
You are doing the best and most loving thing for him: leaving him to live as he wishes even if it means self-destruction.
Please keep taking care of yourself and let us know how you get on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 11
Thank you. I am finding it quite difficult today. I am missing my ex and finding being in the house on my own quite upsetting.
I am also dwelling on the lack of sex in our relationship and wondering if there is something wrong with me? It has never been a problem in any of my previous relationships. Did my partner not find me attractive despite saying he did? Could lack of desire be linked to the drinking? I have never been in a relationship with a guy who has hardly ever wanted to have sex. He told me once it was because I had a set way of doing things and sex shouldn’t be like that but all I wanted was foreplay and not to rush straight into it.
I know he was not cheating on me but I just don’t understand why he was hardly interested in it despite repeatedly saying he thought it was really important in a relationship. He even stormed out of the house a few weeks ago when I tried it on with him and was annoyed when he rejected me. He came straight back a few minutes later and apologised, saying he was stressed trying to get his work done.
This lack of desire for me, alongside being in the house without him is causing me quite a lot of distress. Can anybody shed any light on this? I believed if I ‘fixed’ the alcohol issue then he would desire me more. I’m just feeling so rejected on multiple fronts. I have put on a little bit of weight since I met him but even when I was thinner, the issue was the same. Even sexy underwear was not enough to tempt him at times. I’m just so confused and angry that things didn’t improve in this area despite all of my efforts.
I am also dwelling on the lack of sex in our relationship and wondering if there is something wrong with me? It has never been a problem in any of my previous relationships. Did my partner not find me attractive despite saying he did? Could lack of desire be linked to the drinking? I have never been in a relationship with a guy who has hardly ever wanted to have sex. He told me once it was because I had a set way of doing things and sex shouldn’t be like that but all I wanted was foreplay and not to rush straight into it.
I know he was not cheating on me but I just don’t understand why he was hardly interested in it despite repeatedly saying he thought it was really important in a relationship. He even stormed out of the house a few weeks ago when I tried it on with him and was annoyed when he rejected me. He came straight back a few minutes later and apologised, saying he was stressed trying to get his work done.
This lack of desire for me, alongside being in the house without him is causing me quite a lot of distress. Can anybody shed any light on this? I believed if I ‘fixed’ the alcohol issue then he would desire me more. I’m just feeling so rejected on multiple fronts. I have put on a little bit of weight since I met him but even when I was thinner, the issue was the same. Even sexy underwear was not enough to tempt him at times. I’m just so confused and angry that things didn’t improve in this area despite all of my efforts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
For an alcoholic, drink is all-encompassing. It is everything. It is their best friend, their lover, their spouse.
Alcoholism can complicate sex physically, too.
Neither of those things has anything to do with you, your weight, your looks, your efforts, or your worth. He is an alcoholic, full stop.
Alcoholism can complicate sex physically, too.
Neither of those things has anything to do with you, your weight, your looks, your efforts, or your worth. He is an alcoholic, full stop.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Originally Posted by Paisleypearl
Can anybody shed any light on this? I believed if I ‘fixed’ the alcohol issue then he would desire me more.
His lack of interest in sex is something that has little or nothing to do with you. Sometimes I think we want it to have something to do with us as then we would have more control; we could fix it. Ugh.
Unfortunately thoughts like these will raise their ugly heads and torture you in the coming days and weeks. Double ugh. I so wish it didn't have to hurt so much for you but there is just no other way than to get through the day's of grieving until the healing starts.
The best book I found on grieving was How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is a super quick and easy read. I probably read it 10 times when I left my qualifier.
Courage to you you fine person. Lean on us all you can. I hope you get something out of the support here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Paisley------as a medical provider, I have supervised the detox and treatment of many alcoholics. I liked to see the wife/partner alone---and the husband alone----and, them together.
Most often, the men would assure that the sex life was "fine". Then, when the wife saw me alone---she would quickly inform me that he was blowing smoke. Most of these patients were middle aged and had been drinking for many years.
Being able to sexually perform is an extremely sensitive subject for most men. I usually sent them to a male Urologist to talk about performance issues---as they seemed most comfortable with that. I even found out that men will actually feign disinterest, than face the possibility of ED (erectile dysfunction). Even the "fear" can completely upset the whole cart. Efforts that the women may use to entice, can, actually, make the anticipatory anxiety even worse for the men.
While there are many factors that can affect sexual performance for men----chronic alcohol use is one of the major ones----as it profoundly affects the blood vessels. Of course, this, like most things, increases with age.
I think you can stop torturing yourself on that point-----it wasn't about you.
Most often, the men would assure that the sex life was "fine". Then, when the wife saw me alone---she would quickly inform me that he was blowing smoke. Most of these patients were middle aged and had been drinking for many years.
Being able to sexually perform is an extremely sensitive subject for most men. I usually sent them to a male Urologist to talk about performance issues---as they seemed most comfortable with that. I even found out that men will actually feign disinterest, than face the possibility of ED (erectile dysfunction). Even the "fear" can completely upset the whole cart. Efforts that the women may use to entice, can, actually, make the anticipatory anxiety even worse for the men.
While there are many factors that can affect sexual performance for men----chronic alcohol use is one of the major ones----as it profoundly affects the blood vessels. Of course, this, like most things, increases with age.
I think you can stop torturing yourself on that point-----it wasn't about you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
I'm going to guess that perhaps he said he was depressed and had anxiety as well (this is a common thread with alcoholism). These things can also lead to a reduced desire for sex.
You said:
This is key, he was/is erratic and unreliable. Anytime you put expectations of normal behaviour on him you were, unfortunately, many, many times, going to be disappointed. It is not just his actions that are erratic, so are his thought processes.
I re-read your first post and you might want to as well. You will see a pattern of trying to help and fix this and in every single instance he rejected help, be it from you or the counsellor. To people outside addiction it may seem like - why would you want to keep doing this?? You mean you would rather drink than be intimate with your partner you say you think is amazing?? I have placed help at your feet and you don't want it??
The pattern. He wants to drink, it's what alcoholics do and in his case he wants that more than sex, more than getting help, more than recovering from addiction.
As for your weight - I would 100 percent brush that off, like all his other erratic behaviours, it is meaningless, it is not about you, truly.
You said:
I would no longer have to constantly worry about someone else’s drinking or erratic, unreliable behaviours.
I re-read your first post and you might want to as well. You will see a pattern of trying to help and fix this and in every single instance he rejected help, be it from you or the counsellor. To people outside addiction it may seem like - why would you want to keep doing this?? You mean you would rather drink than be intimate with your partner you say you think is amazing?? I have placed help at your feet and you don't want it??
The pattern. He wants to drink, it's what alcoholics do and in his case he wants that more than sex, more than getting help, more than recovering from addiction.
As for your weight - I would 100 percent brush that off, like all his other erratic behaviours, it is meaningless, it is not about you, truly.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Hi Paisleypearl, I want you to know you are not alone. I can identify with what you are going through. I have been there and still struggling. The sexual stuff too. I also felt like my ABF was not attracted to me. We went 2 years without it! Loving an alcoholic can make us feel so many painful emotions and self doubt. Please know it is not you. It is the alcohol. The alcohol is kind of like "the other woman" in the relationship. I am so sorry you are going through this but you will find a lot of support and resources here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 11
Thank you to each and every one of you who has taken the time to reply. I really appreciate it and have read over your comments several times.
Still in a bit of shock at times and finding it quite lonely living alone and still cry every day but I am crying less and maybe understanding more.
Thank you for your support. It has been a great help.
Still in a bit of shock at times and finding it quite lonely living alone and still cry every day but I am crying less and maybe understanding more.
Thank you for your support. It has been a great help.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 7
I think our timeline is about the same. My husband is in a psych ward but neither of us know what lies ahead. I am lost and empty and have cried daily. Tomorrow I go back to work for the first time since it happened Sunday. My child has to start school and I have to have someone keep him while I work. I still have no idea how I will do it but I will make it. You will make it and we are going to be ok.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
Paisley, since alcohol decreases the ability to have/hold an erection, maybe the explanation is pretty simple: He knows from experience sex will be problematic, so he no longer engages.
Or, he'd just rather drink than have sex.
Or, he'd just rather drink than have sex.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by Wombaticus
You did a lot for him. It's easy to get into that mode.
Re-read your story to see just how much that stands out.
Take some time to do some reflection, but don't be too hard on yourself. What would you do differently next time?
It can be scary to be alone, but it seems like you were alone in the relationship. He sounds like a dominant character and you got lost in the relationship.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but he had done you a huge favour.
Focus on you for a bit, do some reading on codependency to see if anything resonates, and maybe attend an al-anon meeting.
Spead your wings!!
Re-read your story to see just how much that stands out.
Take some time to do some reflection, but don't be too hard on yourself. What would you do differently next time?
It can be scary to be alone, but it seems like you were alone in the relationship. He sounds like a dominant character and you got lost in the relationship.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but he had done you a huge favour.
Focus on you for a bit, do some reading on codependency to see if anything resonates, and maybe attend an al-anon meeting.
Spead your wings!!
Paisly. Sounds like he was using/abusing you for favors and like most alcoholics being selfish always worried and seeking what they want. Also A's work at fooling people for what they want. The entire relationship with you and others could be an act. They become good grifters/manipulators because their chemical choices prevent them from earning their own honest money and having to budget it/live with the consequences of their choices.
You are not alone. He was playing a different game than you were. Worry about you, live, learn and relay your experiences to others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 11
Just thought I would post a little update. I come back here every few days and read through the comments and other people’s stories for support.
Well I moved back to the house a month ago. The first few days were very tough with lots of crying but after a while there was a little less crying and then days where I didn’t cry at all.
Then I went back to work as the new term started and that was keeping me very busy. I was seeing my family quite a bit and had some over to the house.
I had told my ex some time ago that I wanted him to move his stuff out of the house by the end of September. When I first came back here, I spent a few days buying boxes and packing everything of his in the house. Was mentally and physically demanding but maybe on some level it was cathartic. His stuff took up almost 3 rooms in the house and still does. Once that was done, I spent my time working and buying new furniture & pictures for the living room and new bedding, just wanted the place to look different.
Last Monday I contacted him and told him I wanted him to move all his stuff at the weekend, as had been agreed. He told me he couldn’t as he had a trip to Spain booked (was booked a long time ago) but that he would move it the following weekend. He said he was still sleeping on his parents’ sofa while he was looking for a new place to live and that it was terrible. He said he was going to move in with a mate after his trip and would have to put his stuff into storage. This put me in a rage I probably haven’t felt for years, if at all. He knew ages ago when his trip to Spain was but still agreed to move his stuff by the end of the month, knowing that he wouldn’t even be in the country. And if he was going to put his stuff into storage, why hadn’t he already done it? It took all of my composure not to send him an angry e-mail back and tell him just what I thought of him. Instead I had a session with my therapist and wrote down all of my angry thoughts in a journal.
I then got sent home from work as 3 close relatives had tested positive for Covid and so I had to self-isolate for 2 weeks. So it turns out he couldn’t have collected his things anyway.
So yesterday I emailed him again telling him I wanted everything gone this Sunday. He replied earlier today saying OK and wanted the address of my landlord to get a reference for a new place. I told him his name was never on the lease and the landlord never knew he was living there so would be unable to give him a reference. I haven’t heard anything back from him yet.
I thought I was feeling better, getting over this and spending my time concentrating on myself and my healing process. I have been reading about co-dependency, meditating, exercising, doing lots of work from home, doing some art work, getting back in touch with friends I lost contact with. But the past week or so I have been consumed with rage and anger and feel like I hate him for the way he has treated me. I even feel jealous that he seems to be moving on and I’m stuck in this house with lots of bad memories. I still can’t get over how you can pour your heart and soul into a relationship with someone for them to just decide ‘nah, don’t want this now’.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’m self-isolating at home and so have had no face-to-face contact with anyone in about 10 days now. And I’ve also just started my periods, which never helps. But the past few days I just feel worse. And extremely angry and very down. And I know I can’t rush the healing process but I just want to feel better already.
My sister said that him still having his stuff in the house was cruel, that it was selfish of him and that he was taking advantage of my kind nature by leaving it here so long. She said I wouldn’t be able to move on until it was all gone. Maybe she is right but a part of me is even dreading him taking it for some reason. I’m scared that seeing the 3 empty rooms is going to break me all over again.
So that’s where I am at. I’m definitely staying single forever after this! Hopefully once I can go back to work next week and see my family again, things will seem brighter. I hope so anyway!
Well I moved back to the house a month ago. The first few days were very tough with lots of crying but after a while there was a little less crying and then days where I didn’t cry at all.
Then I went back to work as the new term started and that was keeping me very busy. I was seeing my family quite a bit and had some over to the house.
I had told my ex some time ago that I wanted him to move his stuff out of the house by the end of September. When I first came back here, I spent a few days buying boxes and packing everything of his in the house. Was mentally and physically demanding but maybe on some level it was cathartic. His stuff took up almost 3 rooms in the house and still does. Once that was done, I spent my time working and buying new furniture & pictures for the living room and new bedding, just wanted the place to look different.
Last Monday I contacted him and told him I wanted him to move all his stuff at the weekend, as had been agreed. He told me he couldn’t as he had a trip to Spain booked (was booked a long time ago) but that he would move it the following weekend. He said he was still sleeping on his parents’ sofa while he was looking for a new place to live and that it was terrible. He said he was going to move in with a mate after his trip and would have to put his stuff into storage. This put me in a rage I probably haven’t felt for years, if at all. He knew ages ago when his trip to Spain was but still agreed to move his stuff by the end of the month, knowing that he wouldn’t even be in the country. And if he was going to put his stuff into storage, why hadn’t he already done it? It took all of my composure not to send him an angry e-mail back and tell him just what I thought of him. Instead I had a session with my therapist and wrote down all of my angry thoughts in a journal.
I then got sent home from work as 3 close relatives had tested positive for Covid and so I had to self-isolate for 2 weeks. So it turns out he couldn’t have collected his things anyway.
So yesterday I emailed him again telling him I wanted everything gone this Sunday. He replied earlier today saying OK and wanted the address of my landlord to get a reference for a new place. I told him his name was never on the lease and the landlord never knew he was living there so would be unable to give him a reference. I haven’t heard anything back from him yet.
I thought I was feeling better, getting over this and spending my time concentrating on myself and my healing process. I have been reading about co-dependency, meditating, exercising, doing lots of work from home, doing some art work, getting back in touch with friends I lost contact with. But the past week or so I have been consumed with rage and anger and feel like I hate him for the way he has treated me. I even feel jealous that he seems to be moving on and I’m stuck in this house with lots of bad memories. I still can’t get over how you can pour your heart and soul into a relationship with someone for them to just decide ‘nah, don’t want this now’.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’m self-isolating at home and so have had no face-to-face contact with anyone in about 10 days now. And I’ve also just started my periods, which never helps. But the past few days I just feel worse. And extremely angry and very down. And I know I can’t rush the healing process but I just want to feel better already.
My sister said that him still having his stuff in the house was cruel, that it was selfish of him and that he was taking advantage of my kind nature by leaving it here so long. She said I wouldn’t be able to move on until it was all gone. Maybe she is right but a part of me is even dreading him taking it for some reason. I’m scared that seeing the 3 empty rooms is going to break me all over again.
So that’s where I am at. I’m definitely staying single forever after this! Hopefully once I can go back to work next week and see my family again, things will seem brighter. I hope so anyway!
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