shoe_gal

help me understand please

Hi,
Not sure where to start. but I will try to make it simple. I have been dating the same guy for a year now, and we live together. When we first met, he told me he had a problem with drugs in the past, but was not ever going to touch them again. Since then he has been smoking weed quite often, which annoyed me, but I figured, "well its not crack so whatever" Then as the months went by there was a few times that he got really drunk and did coke. I was very upset about it and we talked, I told him I did not want to be with someone like that, and that I have seen how it can ruin people, and how it had ruined my relationship with my sister, b/c she was addicted to it before too. So he pleaded with me that it would never happen againl well of course it did, and again..... So I kind of gave up, like "there's nothing I can do, he wont stop anfd wont stop lying to me" I figured we had a good week, then I found out he did Crack that day, omg!!! what should I do, he says he will stop...? Will he?

Magichappens

Hi shoe gal,
Welcome. I don't have a crystal ball, so I can't answer that last question. I can share my experience. No matter how much sobriety an alcoholic/addict has, it doesn't guarantee that they won't go back to it. There is an obsession with them that they keep trying to be "normal" with drinking and using. Each time they try, they seem to trigger something that takes over and gets them out of control.

There are a lot of people who will tell you to run like hell. I am not one to make that call. If you decide to stay, get some support and help for yourself. Al-Anon and Naranon are great support groups full of people who have found a way to keep from getting sucked into despair, bitterness, and fear associated with loving someone with this condition.

If you choose to leave, you may want to seek some help anyway. Being attracted to an alcoholic/addict, whether they are using or not, is a sign that there may be a problem with us. I continually found myself in relationships with the same type of people. It is a trap that we set for ourself. Without help, I didn't have a way to stop falling into that trap.

Either way you decide, I am glad you joined us. This site has a lot of support itself. There are people here that are experiencing or have experienced the things you are going through. You aren't alone, and you don't have to go through this alone. Hugs, Magic

frankly

shoe gal - start reading and start reading now. read the power posts stickied at the top. read other peoples stories. read the twelve steps. educate yourself on this problem. you have some decisions comming up in your life that will be hard to make no matter what you decide. some of the people on this site know how to say just the right words at just the right time, I'm not one of them. But know this we are here for you no matter what you decide. we care. you are not alone.

Hugs,
Ms. B

JT

Shoe gal welcome to SR!

We really don't tell people to run like hell around here...at least not directly. My thought is even if you take the drugs out of the equation you are with a guy who is lieing to you. He needs to do that in order to keep using and it won't stop as long as continues to use. Stay or go...if you continue to buy what he is selling the present state of your relationship is not going to change. You deserve to be treated with respect and honesty in all of your relationships.

Make yourself at home here!
Hugs,
JT

gelfling

Hi shoe,

Welcome to SR...

Lots and lots of wisdom contained in these 3 posts. They cover just about everything.

Think long and hard. Also remember you come first. You need to take care of you. Whatever you do will never help him if he's using. Get to meetings. OMG what an education you'll get. Be selfish...do it for yourself.

Blessings, Kathy

smoke gets in my eyes

RUN LIKE HELL!!!!

Kidding. But knowing what I know now, if I was in a new relationship with someone I found out used illegal drugs or had much more than a glass of cheer at New Years, I would run like hell.

Your experience has already told you that he will SAY he's quitting and doesn't. Rather than try to guess if he's going to change his modus operandi, you really just have to decide what you're willing to live with. We have to assume the substance abusers in our lives are "as is" commodities. "As is" do you want him?

Welcome to the forums!
Hugs,
Smoke

shoe_gal

[B]Thank you for all the quick replys I appreciate it so much...

mushroom

What you will have to accept is that nothing nothing nothing you do will help him. And yet ironically many things you do can make it worse.

You're not married to the guy. You don't have kids with him I'm assuming. You've only been together what a year? Why on earth would you stay? He'll always be only temporarily not using. When he told you he would never use again that was a promise he could not reasonably make. He will never be able to reasonably make that promise. It's the nature of the demon he's saddled with. You do not need to saddle yourself with the same demon. You can if you choose to of course but don't kid yourself that you can help him. What you're seeing now is what you're going to get. Nothing selfish about choosing not to stick around, it's called self preservation.

OK you can help him in some ways - by providing him with a place to live and food on the table and the utilities paid, so he can continue with his own life path at will. At least you will know he is not homeless and shivering and starving somewhere. Though you will not always know where he is or that he is safe. I have trouble accepting that what would be helpful to give a non addict in temporary trouble is not at all helpful to an addict but that's what I'm trying to learn now. It's a lesson I wish I never had to learn. Are you prepared to accept that lesson?

Cruise the forum and read the stories of others who stayed or who eventually chose to leave. I'm still on the fence myself but I realize that my own best interests are definitely to leave and cut my losses. But there's the guilt of leaving someone who needs help - why can't I give it???? why doesn't it help him???? why does he continue to get worse the harder I try???

Dee at Mt Bully

Yea to just about everything everyone said. My 20/20 hind sight wisdom says run..
but you really have to decide for your self and either way you might want to hang around here at this web sight. There is a lot to learn about why we would let someone
lie to us more than once. Hopefully you are the exception but most of us have had more than one person with addiction problems in our life. If thats true for you there
are some really wise people here and they can help you a lot to avoid the pit falls.
Please let us know how you are--Smiles--Dee

JennyK

I often wonder if I would have married my husband if I had known then what I know now and the answer is always...well...conflicted.

I have my children...who I would never had without him.

I have a good man...who is very very sick and very lost and a mystery to me most of the time.

I have that...

And I have a life full of fear and confusion and anger and resentment and rage and pain and sorrow and hurt and poverty and denial and suffering.

And I also have a life full of love.

You are in a place to make a choice to take a chance. If I had do to it over again...(without knowing the spirits of my children)...I don't know if I would have taken the chance.

I do know that if I knew then what I know now...on some days my children whould not even have been, because I would have run...and run fast.

And on other days I would never regret for a minute the choices I have made...as I will love my husband for the rest of my days.

You are in a place where you can choose...many of us are no longer there. Think long and think hard and find support.

Many good wishes to you.

Green Eyes

Shoe gal: It's so easy to say runnnnnnnn but harder to do. I stayed with my A/BF for 2.5 years. I chose to ignore his problem for a while and then he made me believe I was the one with the problem and suggest I get counselling! He left me.

If I knew then what I know now, I never would have gotten involved with him. He was so charming and loving but when I would confront him about his drinking, he got ugly. I didn't realize that I was completely powerless over his addiction.

Only you can decide what is best for you but listen to the wisdom on this site. It will help you so much. It got me through some very tough times.

Good luck!

FaithChaser

Shoegal,

On the one hand, I know that people can change and leave drug use in the dust. It takes some very very hard work, a lot of support, but most of all a HUGE desire to do it. I'm speaking from experience since I quit using over eleven years ago. Somehow the new clean me was not 100% when I got involved with AH, ha go figure guess I didn't learn that lesson yet so it was thrown at me in another way... My AH knows he has a problem, I see that he is beginning to get the desire, however, I have been asking myself whether or not this lesson is done for me or not. If I stay, chances are he may never quit, and if he does, it will be a long hard battle. I will never be able to be first in his life, it will always be the drug that wins in that war, whether that means he's fighting the addiction or using. This week in my therapy session I told my therapist that I think somehow wanting to leave would be selfish on my part. I'm leaving when he most needs me. She took a hard look at me and said, "and what's so wrong with being selfish?" For me, it would take the miracle of him showing that he is 100% ready to fight back. As said in earlier posts leaving is easy to say and hard to do. This morning I actually told him I'm leaving in two weeks... hope these forums etc. can keep me strong in my descision.... I wish you the very best in your decision, and pray that you choose what is best for you.

CatsTail

Hi,

I'm one of the ones that do say run like hell.

Ask yourself a couple of questions like:

Do I want to be with someone who is continually lying to me?

How can I have a healthy, trusting relationship with someone who continually lies to me?

Do I really want to have a relationship with someone with a substance abuse problem?

Ngaire

Sasha99

I've got to chime in on the run like hell side. But if someone had told me to run like hell two and a half years ago, I wouldn't have. I actually downplayed his alcohol problem because I was afraid someone would tell me to run.

He HAS stopped drinking (eight months ago) because of heart surgery. I think he had been wanting to and used that as a catalyst. The fact that I had just about had it with him may or may not have contributed.

So now he's sober and it's 1,000% better, but he still has many problems relating to me. He has all the pain that he was trying to cover with the alcohol, but now he's doing it without anesthesia. We're in couple's counseling with an excellent therapist, but I don't know... something is really missing. Maybe it's me and the fact that I chose basically an emotionally unavailable guy.

So before you're in over your head... run run run... I don't think you'll regret running, but you are very likely to regret staying.

Just my 2 cents.

gelfling

Well girlfriend, you've got your answer. Now, what do you do with it? It's a toughie and I pray that you are able to make a clear and firm committment and stick to it. Whatever it is.

Just because we all say "run like hell" doesn't mean everyone feels that way. Those of us that say that have been through hell and really feel the need to protect you from the hurt, pain and insanity associated with the disease.

Love, hugs and blessings, Kathy

fancy

Run like Hell....why would you want to stay? There is already enough problems it won't get easier after marriage but it might become a lot messier. Not only is my son an A my dad was too.
You will do the right thing..trust yourself.
He won't stop until he is ready.