What happens next...?
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 24
What happens next...?
My AF is currently back at rehab.
In June, he went for his first time. I was just a 7-day detox and then right into an out patient program. That did not go well, he later admitted that he had secretly drank starting on day one being back home. A few weeks into his outpatient, program, he admitted himself back to rehab, this time for 30 days.
AF came home from 30-day inpatient very motivated and focused on his new outpatient program, AA, and all he had learned about his recovery. About a week in, he relapsed. He denied it at first, but was required to go in for an assessment and failed a breathalyzer test. This happened this past Wednesday. He was discharged from his outpatient program, and required to go back for 7 day detox. He is currently there. He certainly didn't WANT to go back, but he didn't fight me on it either.
The plan is for him to gain some clarity during this 7-day detox and then his case manager and therapist will make a recommendation, whether that's a longer residential inpatient program or a sober living facility.
Yesterday, I spoke with AF and his case manager on the phone. AF says he feels very depressed and ashamed about his relapse. AF says he only wants to do the 7-day detox, does not want more inpatient treatment. He plans to "use everything he learned during 30 day inpatient to do better this time when he leaves." Wants to "keep a better routine, work the AA program, and rely on his sponsor and AA connections." Case manager asked if I am on board with this plan.
My response:
I encouraged him to be gentle with himself and give it time.
I then basically said that I don’t want to force AF to do anything and I want him to make choices for what he wants, and that I know any real change is going to come from him deciding to do it himself. I encouraged him to take a few days during detox and not make any decisions until later or not rule anything out at this moment. Of course, I told AF if he wants my opinion on a plan of action I will give it to him. But again, wanted him to take some time during detox to gain some clarity before making any decisions.
If he decides to leave rehab after the 7 days, I am NOT going to allow him to come live in our apartment again. I will encourage a sober living facility. I will tell him that I support his recovery and once I see real changes on his own, we can consider living together again. I am pretty sure he will not be open to sober living facility. He also has the option to live at his mom's house. I will uphold my new boundary, that I will not live with an alcoholic unless I have seen months of successful recovery.
Sorry for the long post. I am asking for advice and perspectives on MY plan. I know it will crush him to know that I am not allowing him to come home, back to our life together. But, it's clear that he has not been able to maintain his sobriety on his own with this plan. Does this make any sense?? Am I on the right track here!??
THANKS
In June, he went for his first time. I was just a 7-day detox and then right into an out patient program. That did not go well, he later admitted that he had secretly drank starting on day one being back home. A few weeks into his outpatient, program, he admitted himself back to rehab, this time for 30 days.
AF came home from 30-day inpatient very motivated and focused on his new outpatient program, AA, and all he had learned about his recovery. About a week in, he relapsed. He denied it at first, but was required to go in for an assessment and failed a breathalyzer test. This happened this past Wednesday. He was discharged from his outpatient program, and required to go back for 7 day detox. He is currently there. He certainly didn't WANT to go back, but he didn't fight me on it either.
The plan is for him to gain some clarity during this 7-day detox and then his case manager and therapist will make a recommendation, whether that's a longer residential inpatient program or a sober living facility.
Yesterday, I spoke with AF and his case manager on the phone. AF says he feels very depressed and ashamed about his relapse. AF says he only wants to do the 7-day detox, does not want more inpatient treatment. He plans to "use everything he learned during 30 day inpatient to do better this time when he leaves." Wants to "keep a better routine, work the AA program, and rely on his sponsor and AA connections." Case manager asked if I am on board with this plan.
My response:
I encouraged him to be gentle with himself and give it time.
I then basically said that I don’t want to force AF to do anything and I want him to make choices for what he wants, and that I know any real change is going to come from him deciding to do it himself. I encouraged him to take a few days during detox and not make any decisions until later or not rule anything out at this moment. Of course, I told AF if he wants my opinion on a plan of action I will give it to him. But again, wanted him to take some time during detox to gain some clarity before making any decisions.
If he decides to leave rehab after the 7 days, I am NOT going to allow him to come live in our apartment again. I will encourage a sober living facility. I will tell him that I support his recovery and once I see real changes on his own, we can consider living together again. I am pretty sure he will not be open to sober living facility. He also has the option to live at his mom's house. I will uphold my new boundary, that I will not live with an alcoholic unless I have seen months of successful recovery.
Sorry for the long post. I am asking for advice and perspectives on MY plan. I know it will crush him to know that I am not allowing him to come home, back to our life together. But, it's clear that he has not been able to maintain his sobriety on his own with this plan. Does this make any sense?? Am I on the right track here!??
THANKS
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
Strength, I think this sounds like a very good plan on your part. As we all know, but have a difficult time accepting, A's truly have to decide for themselves that they want to stay sober for themselves. I've tried until I'm blue in the face to change AH's drinking and I have finally just given up. I'm impressed with your strength and resolve, stick to you guns! I can tell you marriage to an A is not fun and no way to live a happy and fulfilled life. Good luck to you both!
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 24
Well, AF will be discharged from rehab by Friday. He has Decided to go to a sober living facility. He will be part of an outpatient program there too. I am nervous but this is definitely the best thing for him right now.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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Hi,
Several things stand out in your post. First, you wrote "The plan is for him to gain some clarity during this 7-day detox."
There's no clarity at 7 days. Folks are lucky to gain glimpses of clarity at 70 days. The absence of alcohol for one week does not equate to clarity. Look at his behavior. He relapsed for the second time after having spent 30 days in inpatient and he only started addressing the issue 2 months ago. The man is in a whirlwind right now. He can't tell which way anything is coming at him.
It looks to me like you and his Case Manager are going way too fast here and I think that if his Case Manager isn't aware of the things I mentioned above - a new case manager might be in order.
You wrote "He also has the option to live at his mom's house."
Unless she lives somewhere else - I cannot see that working out. Their relationship is much too close for either of them to be objective.
You also wrote "I am asking for advice and perspectives on MY plan."
Your plan for you, right? Because you can't make a plan for him ... The only plan that I can see from your post that concerns you is not letting him back in the apartment you share together, which brings up a question.. Are you sure you can prevent him from coming back? Is he on the lease? Or do you own it together? Because you called it "our" apartment.
These are just the first things that popped into my mind.
Several things stand out in your post. First, you wrote "The plan is for him to gain some clarity during this 7-day detox."
There's no clarity at 7 days. Folks are lucky to gain glimpses of clarity at 70 days. The absence of alcohol for one week does not equate to clarity. Look at his behavior. He relapsed for the second time after having spent 30 days in inpatient and he only started addressing the issue 2 months ago. The man is in a whirlwind right now. He can't tell which way anything is coming at him.
It looks to me like you and his Case Manager are going way too fast here and I think that if his Case Manager isn't aware of the things I mentioned above - a new case manager might be in order.
You wrote "He also has the option to live at his mom's house."
Unless she lives somewhere else - I cannot see that working out. Their relationship is much too close for either of them to be objective.
You also wrote "I am asking for advice and perspectives on MY plan."
Your plan for you, right? Because you can't make a plan for him ... The only plan that I can see from your post that concerns you is not letting him back in the apartment you share together, which brings up a question.. Are you sure you can prevent him from coming back? Is he on the lease? Or do you own it together? Because you called it "our" apartment.
These are just the first things that popped into my mind.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 24
Thank you, Lumen, for the thought provoking reply.
Oh yes, I completely agree that there is no real clarity after 7 days!He is a mess and his attempts at getting sober in the last few months have not worked. I suppose I meant that knowing he relapsed, at least after a period of detox he would have a better chance at making a decision on what to do next - opposed to being active in his addiction and making that choice.
The apartment lease is only in my name, he understands that coming here is not an option. He doesn't even have a key at this time. We spoke on the phone from rehab. His mom has also put forth the same boundary since I last posted. Living with her is not an option.
Since he was "just" in rehab for a 30-day inpatient treatment stay, his health insurance actually denied that he can stay past medically assisted detox this time. He is "appealing" this, but his next step will be a Sober Living Facility. He will work a PHP at the sober house. That is HIS plan. My plan is for ME - to uphold my healthy boundary and work on ME now that his chaos in not a part of my daily life.
Oh yes, I completely agree that there is no real clarity after 7 days!He is a mess and his attempts at getting sober in the last few months have not worked. I suppose I meant that knowing he relapsed, at least after a period of detox he would have a better chance at making a decision on what to do next - opposed to being active in his addiction and making that choice.
The apartment lease is only in my name, he understands that coming here is not an option. He doesn't even have a key at this time. We spoke on the phone from rehab. His mom has also put forth the same boundary since I last posted. Living with her is not an option.
Since he was "just" in rehab for a 30-day inpatient treatment stay, his health insurance actually denied that he can stay past medically assisted detox this time. He is "appealing" this, but his next step will be a Sober Living Facility. He will work a PHP at the sober house. That is HIS plan. My plan is for ME - to uphold my healthy boundary and work on ME now that his chaos in not a part of my daily life.
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