Here's a new low for me
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 74
Here's a new low for me
It's 10:30pm, I'm in my home office. My wife and kids are out in the living room. They have a clear view of the refrigerator in the kitchen where I have a few beers. I just went out to the garage fridge to get another one just to avoid the shame.
I've been drinking all day. I haven't been hiding it from her. She knows. She isn't even angry. I'm just so ashamed of myself, I should be out there with them but I needed another beer and I'm too embarrassed to make the walk of shame to the kitchen fridge, so I took a left turn and grabbed one from the garage so I didn't have to make eye contact.
How disgustingly pathetic. Thanks for listening.
I've been drinking all day. I haven't been hiding it from her. She knows. She isn't even angry. I'm just so ashamed of myself, I should be out there with them but I needed another beer and I'm too embarrassed to make the walk of shame to the kitchen fridge, so I took a left turn and grabbed one from the garage so I didn't have to make eye contact.
How disgustingly pathetic. Thanks for listening.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan 
Only pathetic if you settle for that as your future. Never too late or too soon to commit to change. Wishing you the best. Your kid deserves better.
I'm just so intimidated by the mountain of work that lies ahead once I get sober again. Why can't I just quit drinking and everything else be solved? Quitting drinking is easy compared to the monumental task of fixing my life afterwards. I've quit drinking twice, 33 and 37 days, and relapsed both times. The realization this will take months or years to fix is incredibly intimidating and daunting. It makes this third and final attempt all the more seemingly impossible to achieve. My mind is miserable, begging to get healthy, but terrified of the challenge and extremely terrified of another relapse and how hard it would be to try again (it's been 4 years since my last relapse). I know none of you have the magic potion either (unfortunately). I guess I'm just venting. I don't know what else to say.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Originally Posted by picturebigger
I definitely haven't settled or given up. I just keep kicking the can another day. Another day turns into another week. Another year. I'm not making any excuses.
I'm just so intimidated by the mountain of work that lies ahead once I get sober again. Why can't I just quit drinking and everything else be solved? Quitting drinking is easy compared to the monumental task of fixing my life afterwards. I've quit drinking twice, 33 and 37 days, and relapsed both times. The realization this will take months or years to fix is incredibly intimidating and daunting. It makes this third and final attempt all the more seemingly impossible to achieve. My mind is miserable, begging to get healthy, but terrified of the challenge and extremely terrified of another relapse and how hard it would be to try again (it's been 4 years since my last relapse). I know none of you have the magic potion either (unfortunately). I guess I'm just venting. I don't know what else to say.
I'm just so intimidated by the mountain of work that lies ahead once I get sober again. Why can't I just quit drinking and everything else be solved? Quitting drinking is easy compared to the monumental task of fixing my life afterwards. I've quit drinking twice, 33 and 37 days, and relapsed both times. The realization this will take months or years to fix is incredibly intimidating and daunting. It makes this third and final attempt all the more seemingly impossible to achieve. My mind is miserable, begging to get healthy, but terrified of the challenge and extremely terrified of another relapse and how hard it would be to try again (it's been 4 years since my last relapse). I know none of you have the magic potion either (unfortunately). I guess I'm just venting. I don't know what else to say.
A lot of things I didn't know how to tackle or to solve fell into place once I embraced recovery.
D
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by picturebigger
I definitely haven't settled or given up. I just keep kicking the can another day. Another day turns into another week. Another year. I'm not making any excuses.
I'm just so intimidated by the mountain of work that lies ahead once I get sober again. Why can't I just quit drinking and everything else be solved? Quitting drinking is easy compared to the monumental task of fixing my life afterwards. I've quit drinking twice, 33 and 37 days, and relapsed both times. The realization this will take months or years to fix is incredibly intimidating and daunting. It makes this third and final attempt all the more seemingly impossible to achieve. My mind is miserable, begging to get healthy, but terrified of the challenge and extremely terrified of another relapse and how hard it would be to try again (it's been 4 years since my last relapse). I know none of you have the magic potion either (unfortunately). I guess I'm just venting. I don't know what else to say.
I'm just so intimidated by the mountain of work that lies ahead once I get sober again. Why can't I just quit drinking and everything else be solved? Quitting drinking is easy compared to the monumental task of fixing my life afterwards. I've quit drinking twice, 33 and 37 days, and relapsed both times. The realization this will take months or years to fix is incredibly intimidating and daunting. It makes this third and final attempt all the more seemingly impossible to achieve. My mind is miserable, begging to get healthy, but terrified of the challenge and extremely terrified of another relapse and how hard it would be to try again (it's been 4 years since my last relapse). I know none of you have the magic potion either (unfortunately). I guess I'm just venting. I don't know what else to say.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 622
Been there, done that. Lost it all and still didn't matter until I didn't want to drink more then I wanted to.
So far so good with the mindset/mind game of not drinking now and do not talk/arguing with the AV. Kick the SOB to the curb.
Good Luck!
So far so good with the mindset/mind game of not drinking now and do not talk/arguing with the AV. Kick the SOB to the curb.
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
I tried many times and failed. Today though I have 7 months sober and it hasn’t been all that difficult because I’m in the right mindset. Thinking ahead right now is not needed. Just one day at a a time until you stack up some sober time.
Some people fight it and others just Accept they can no longer drink let it go. I let it go. To accomplish that I had to fully embrace the idea that moderation would never be possible.
You can do this.
Some people fight it and others just Accept they can no longer drink let it go. I let it go. To accomplish that I had to fully embrace the idea that moderation would never be possible.
You can do this.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 622
Here's an example of before and after.
Before – Wake up telling myself I'm not going to drink tonight, wounder [Can't remember] who I pissed off the night before, debate with myself [After a couple hour in the morning] on were I'm going spread the love and buy my drink for the night because you can't always buy it from the same place and who knows what else. Wash rinse and repeat.
After – Example from Yesterday – Decide if I will go to the gym after the dentist [FYI-I would never go to the dentist while I was drinking] and then, will I eat cake after dinner. Those were my dilemmas yesterday if you can call it that.
And now this morning, planning a small kayak day trip for this weekend that includes the son and former wife. I'm stressing former because that was one of my "rewards" [Sarcasm] of drinking.
After is sooooo much easier and better.
Before – Wake up telling myself I'm not going to drink tonight, wounder [Can't remember] who I pissed off the night before, debate with myself [After a couple hour in the morning] on were I'm going spread the love and buy my drink for the night because you can't always buy it from the same place and who knows what else. Wash rinse and repeat.
After – Example from Yesterday – Decide if I will go to the gym after the dentist [FYI-I would never go to the dentist while I was drinking] and then, will I eat cake after dinner. Those were my dilemmas yesterday if you can call it that.
And now this morning, planning a small kayak day trip for this weekend that includes the son and former wife. I'm stressing former because that was one of my "rewards" [Sarcasm] of drinking.
After is sooooo much easier and better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1,178
Pour it out. You have to want to get sober more than you want to drink. Talk to your family, get them involved in your sobriety. Pride was/is one of my biggest obstacles in sobriety, you just have to let it go and embrace the vulnerability.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 365
Hey picturebigger, I know exactly how you feel. My wife pretty much hates me at this early stage in my sobriety, and I don't really blame her. She doesn't believe that I'll make it and isn't particularly supportive, and, again, I can't really blame her.
Maybe after a couple months sober, she'll warm up, but that's not the point. Ultimately, we are responsible for our own sobriety and the benefits are far bigger than just repairing relationships. For all I know, my wife has had enough. She might leave me tomorrow. If she does, I hope to God I won't drink.
Good luck to you. I hope you make it out. It's tough.
Maybe after a couple months sober, she'll warm up, but that's not the point. Ultimately, we are responsible for our own sobriety and the benefits are far bigger than just repairing relationships. For all I know, my wife has had enough. She might leave me tomorrow. If she does, I hope to God I won't drink.
Good luck to you. I hope you make it out. It's tough.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Originally Posted by picturebigger
...Alcoholic autopilot still went and got it.
I think that's a convenient thing we tell ourselves when we don't want to face the music. I don't believe for one second in alcoholic autopilot. Every single time an alcoholic drinks - he or she has made the decision to drink and then acted on their decision. That's all there is to it. Every motivating factor behind the decision and behavior to drink is bologna and is not an excuse.
There are no excuses to drink. None. Ever.
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