First loves reunited after 27 years...we had MAGIC for a bit but then...
It was finally our time...first loves 25 years later. Magic but now we’ve split 💔
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 8
First loves reunited after 27 years...we had MAGIC for a bit but then...
My name is Heather and I love an alcoholic. We were first loves who literally always checked in and finally timing was our friend this year 2020. We moved way too fast but it felt so natural. We lived together quickly but again we were both super happy and often talked about how we are ready for a healthy thing, the end game we’ve always wanted. We never stopped loving eachother from when we were very young.
This spring was amazing. We were falling in love and I’m not sure I’ve ever been that happy in all of my years. Him too. We are like a force and great team together...then it got a lil weird and he’s a self sabotager and a runner. I could sense he was just on great behavior and I almost think he runs to just go drink and not be held accountable in life. He’s not used to a woman being supportive.
He left for the second time two weeks back. I believe we date people who we think we deserve and I’m a raging codependent with anxious attachment style who has picked emotionally unavailable men in the past...he’s not like them, but he’s an avoidant with alcoholism.
Long story short...he ran away two weeks ago, I asked him not to leave, we had a very small argument and he used it as an out and according to his mom and sister (I speak with them often, we’ve always been friends) he’s just used to this back and forth behavior with his ex wife. Pretty sure the man just hates himself and won’t let himself be happy. Does this stem from the drinking?
Gosh, I love him so very much and want to do right by him. We’ve been split for two weeks now and I did the contact rule, I didn’t even want him to leave afterall. Well yesterday he contacted me via text saying hello and hope I’m well I said “I’m great thanks. Hope you’re well too, Take care” I don’t know if that is the right thing to do as all I want is for him to be happy and for us not fall into this back and forth and such.
Apparently he is drinking constantly dealing with our breakup and I’m sure he will contact me again soon. Should I share with him how worried I am? Or should I continue the tough love? Any advice would be wonderful. Again, I love this man very much but I can’t fall into unhealthy back and forth. Thanks for reading and sorry this is all over the place.
This spring was amazing. We were falling in love and I’m not sure I’ve ever been that happy in all of my years. Him too. We are like a force and great team together...then it got a lil weird and he’s a self sabotager and a runner. I could sense he was just on great behavior and I almost think he runs to just go drink and not be held accountable in life. He’s not used to a woman being supportive.
He left for the second time two weeks back. I believe we date people who we think we deserve and I’m a raging codependent with anxious attachment style who has picked emotionally unavailable men in the past...he’s not like them, but he’s an avoidant with alcoholism.
Long story short...he ran away two weeks ago, I asked him not to leave, we had a very small argument and he used it as an out and according to his mom and sister (I speak with them often, we’ve always been friends) he’s just used to this back and forth behavior with his ex wife. Pretty sure the man just hates himself and won’t let himself be happy. Does this stem from the drinking?
Gosh, I love him so very much and want to do right by him. We’ve been split for two weeks now and I did the contact rule, I didn’t even want him to leave afterall. Well yesterday he contacted me via text saying hello and hope I’m well I said “I’m great thanks. Hope you’re well too, Take care” I don’t know if that is the right thing to do as all I want is for him to be happy and for us not fall into this back and forth and such.
Apparently he is drinking constantly dealing with our breakup and I’m sure he will contact me again soon. Should I share with him how worried I am? Or should I continue the tough love? Any advice would be wonderful. Again, I love this man very much but I can’t fall into unhealthy back and forth. Thanks for reading and sorry this is all over the place.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Featherica,
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but glad you found us. Welcome!
I've had relationships before that felt like "magic", and what I've learned is that "magic" is really a red flag because I'm blinded to the real person in front of me--instead, I have loved the fantasy of who I wanted them to be. If you had a close friend who was describing someone they were dating the way you describe your boyfriend and his behavior, how would you advise her? Would you think that her boyfriend was good for her? Or, would you caution her about continuing the relationship?
I hope you will stick around and learn all you can about addiction. There is a lot of great information in the stickies at the top of the forum. Here's the link for you to the "Classic Reading" posts.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I know how worrying it is to care for someone who seems so self destructive. Please take good care of yourself!
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but glad you found us. Welcome!
I've had relationships before that felt like "magic", and what I've learned is that "magic" is really a red flag because I'm blinded to the real person in front of me--instead, I have loved the fantasy of who I wanted them to be. If you had a close friend who was describing someone they were dating the way you describe your boyfriend and his behavior, how would you advise her? Would you think that her boyfriend was good for her? Or, would you caution her about continuing the relationship?
I hope you will stick around and learn all you can about addiction. There is a lot of great information in the stickies at the top of the forum. Here's the link for you to the "Classic Reading" posts.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I know how worrying it is to care for someone who seems so self destructive. Please take good care of yourself!
It was finally our time...first loves 25 years later. Magic but now we’ve split 💔
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 8
Hi Seren. Thanks so much.
I’m not continuing the relationship. I’m just wondering if I should mention to him that I’m worried about him and such. Like was I too harsh saying I’m well take care? That’s what I meant. And yes I’m aware that magic can be a red flag my friend. I agree. We’ve been friends for many years waiting to have our chance is why it didn’t seem red flaggy to us. Either way he chose to leave and I’m not falling in the back and forth but I need ideas of how to support him and what to say when he contacts me again. I don’t ever want to
sound too harsh and make his current drinking worse.
sound too harsh and make his current drinking worse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Welcome to SR Feather. I'm glad you found us. I hope we can support you.
"I’m not continuing the relationship. I’m just wondering if I should mention to him that I’m worried about him and such. Like was I too harsh saying I’m well take care? "
^^^^ Your response to him was just fine.
One important thing most of us have to learn here are good boundaries. We often say, "stay on your side of the street.". His drinking is his problem not yours; it is on his side of the street/boundary. Of course we worry about the people we love who drink but we do our best to recognize that it is their choice and we let them worry about it.
" I need ideas of how to support him and what to say when he contacts me again. I don’t ever want to
sound too harsh and make his current drinking worse."
You are wise to know that he will contact you again as he most definitely will. Some of us choose to go No-contact as it is easier to detach from the problem drinking. No matter what you do this man will continue to drink until he himself decides to stop. No one can change this. Not even you. You can actually help a drinker by leaving them to figure it out on their own An old saying around here is, "You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it.". He will find an excuse to drink no matter what you do and blame it on something. This is what alcoholics do.
Please do focus on your own life and your own needs. Let us know how you get on.
"I’m not continuing the relationship. I’m just wondering if I should mention to him that I’m worried about him and such. Like was I too harsh saying I’m well take care? "
^^^^ Your response to him was just fine.
One important thing most of us have to learn here are good boundaries. We often say, "stay on your side of the street.". His drinking is his problem not yours; it is on his side of the street/boundary. Of course we worry about the people we love who drink but we do our best to recognize that it is their choice and we let them worry about it.
" I need ideas of how to support him and what to say when he contacts me again. I don’t ever want to
sound too harsh and make his current drinking worse."
You are wise to know that he will contact you again as he most definitely will. Some of us choose to go No-contact as it is easier to detach from the problem drinking. No matter what you do this man will continue to drink until he himself decides to stop. No one can change this. Not even you. You can actually help a drinker by leaving them to figure it out on their own An old saying around here is, "You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it.". He will find an excuse to drink no matter what you do and blame it on something. This is what alcoholics do.
Please do focus on your own life and your own needs. Let us know how you get on.
It was finally our time...first loves 25 years later. Magic but now we’ve split 💔
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 8
Thanks so very much D
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Welcome to SR Featherica 
I think what you said was exactly the right thing to say.
D
I think what you said was exactly the right thing to say.
D
It was finally our time...first loves 25 years later. Magic but now we’ve split 💔
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 8
Thanks be kind always.
I am definitely focusing on me. His family seems to think him losing me may be his rock bottom so I’m going to stay far far away and continue no contact, because I love him And I love me!
I am definitely focusing on me. His family seems to think him losing me may be his rock bottom so I’m going to stay far far away and continue no contact, because I love him And I love me!
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Welcome to SR Feather. I'm glad you found us. I hope we can support you.
"I’m not continuing the relationship. I’m just wondering if I should mention to him that I’m worried about him and such. Like was I too harsh saying I’m well take care? "
^^^^ Your response to him was just fine.
One important thing most of us have to learn here are good boundaries. We often say, "stay on your side of the street.". His drinking is his problem not yours; it is on his side of the street/boundary. Of course we worry about the people we love who drink but we do our best to recognize that it is their choice and we let them worry about it.
" I need ideas of how to support him and what to say when he contacts me again. I don’t ever want to
sound too harsh and make his current drinking worse."
You are wise to know that he will contact you again as he most definitely will. Some of us choose to go No-contact as it is easier to detach from the problem drinking. No matter what you do this man will continue to drink until he himself decides to stop. No one can change this. Not even you. You can actually help a drinker by leaving them to figure it out on their own An old saying around here is, "You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it.". He will find an excuse to drink no matter what you do and blame it on something. This is what alcoholics do.
Please do focus on your own life and your own needs. Let us know how you get on.
"I’m not continuing the relationship. I’m just wondering if I should mention to him that I’m worried about him and such. Like was I too harsh saying I’m well take care? "
^^^^ Your response to him was just fine.
One important thing most of us have to learn here are good boundaries. We often say, "stay on your side of the street.". His drinking is his problem not yours; it is on his side of the street/boundary. Of course we worry about the people we love who drink but we do our best to recognize that it is their choice and we let them worry about it.
" I need ideas of how to support him and what to say when he contacts me again. I don’t ever want to
sound too harsh and make his current drinking worse."
You are wise to know that he will contact you again as he most definitely will. Some of us choose to go No-contact as it is easier to detach from the problem drinking. No matter what you do this man will continue to drink until he himself decides to stop. No one can change this. Not even you. You can actually help a drinker by leaving them to figure it out on their own An old saying around here is, "You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it.". He will find an excuse to drink no matter what you do and blame it on something. This is what alcoholics do.
Please do focus on your own life and your own needs. Let us know how you get on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
I'm impressed. I think you're doing a great job and your post is refreshing. Keep up the good work!
I know it's hard, but doing the right thing sometimes is. It seems to me like your clarity and instincts are serving you well.
I know it's hard, but doing the right thing sometimes is. It seems to me like your clarity and instincts are serving you well.
It was finally our time...first loves 25 years later. Magic but now we’ve split 💔
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by LumenandNyx
I'm impressed. I think you're doing a great job and your post is refreshing. Keep up the good work!
I know it's hard, but doing the right thing sometimes is. It seems to me like your clarity and instincts are serving you well.
I know it's hard, but doing the right thing sometimes is. It seems to me like your clarity and instincts are serving you well.
Thanks so much. Yeah I think I’ve finally learned some hard lessons regarding what I personally want and can sign up for etc. I really wanted to keep this one but more
imprrantly I want him to get the help he needs.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I agree with everyone else. Your response was just fine This man that you love has to figure out that his own life isn't working all that well for him, and not playing into his commitment phobic back-and-forth is perfect! Hang in there!
This man that you love has to figure out that his own life isn't working all that well for him, and not playing into his commitment phobic back-and-forth is perfect! Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Originally Posted by Seren
I've had relationships before that felt like "magic", and what I've learned is that "magic" is really a red flag because I'm blinded to the real person in front of me--instead, I have loved the fantasy of who I wanted them to be.
It was finally our time...first loves 25 years later. Magic but now we’ve split 💔
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Seren
I agree with everyone else. Your response was just fine This man that you love has to figure out that his own life isn't working all that well for him, and not playing into his commitment phobic back-and-forth is perfect! Hang in there!
This man that you love has to figure out that his own life isn't working all that well for him, and not playing into his commitment phobic back-and-forth is perfect! Hang in there!Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Featherica
thanks so much everyone. Yes. Funny how the one I really Love is going to help me break my codependent cycle a bit too. Therapy is proactive and I plan to begin that too. Thanks again everyone.
The "magic" may well be the honeymoon phase, who doesn't like that! But alas, that stops and real life steps in and that's when someone's true colours are shown to some degree.
I am so glad you know the destructive nature of on again off again relationships. I haven't really had one but I have seen them play out and it's very hurtful.
I believe it was a member here, Anvilhead, who said, breaking off with someone once can be forgiven in some cases, twice is "done" (paraphrasing here). I believe that. People make mistakes, but more than once in breaking off or running away from a relationship? Trust is lost, recriminations and resentment surface.
I really wanted to keep this one but more imprrantly I want him to get the help he needs.
I could sense he was just on great behavior and I almost think he runs to just go drink and not be held accountable in life. He’s not used to a woman being supportive.
This is a huge pattern for him and if you do succumb and get back in to this, you can be assured that he will just keep running for that next drink. It's the nature of alcoholism.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Have you read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie?
It was finally our time...first loves 25 years later. Magic but now we’ve split 💔
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 8
thanks so very much. Yes I’m reading it right now
QUOTE=trailmix;7501399]Hi Featherica, absolutely your response was just fine. Any other response would have opened a conversation that you don't seem to want (well you probably do but know it's not good for you or for him).
The "magic" may well be the honeymoon phase, who doesn't like that! But alas, that stops and real life steps in and that's when someone's true colours are shown to some degree.
I am so glad you know the destructive nature of on again off again relationships. I haven't really had one but I have seen them play out and it's very hurtful.
I believe it was a member here, Anvilhead, who said, breaking off with someone once can be forgiven in some cases, twice is "done" (paraphrasing here). I believe that. People make mistakes, but more than once in breaking off or running away from a relationship? Trust is lost, recriminations and resentment surface.
Wherever he is at it is only him that can take control of his life. As much as you may want to help and be supportive, that energy is best directed at yourself. Support and take care of yourself.
You are probably right about the great behaviour and not being held accountable. As for supportive women, I might not be so quick to believe that. His idea of supportive (support my drinking) and other's ideas (get to rehab) may be quite different.
This is a huge pattern for him and if you do succumb and get back in to this, you can be assured that he will just keep running for that next drink. It's the nature of alcoholism.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Have you read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie?[/QUOTE]
QUOTE=trailmix;7501399]Hi Featherica, absolutely your response was just fine. Any other response would have opened a conversation that you don't seem to want (well you probably do but know it's not good for you or for him).
The "magic" may well be the honeymoon phase, who doesn't like that! But alas, that stops and real life steps in and that's when someone's true colours are shown to some degree.
I am so glad you know the destructive nature of on again off again relationships. I haven't really had one but I have seen them play out and it's very hurtful.
I believe it was a member here, Anvilhead, who said, breaking off with someone once can be forgiven in some cases, twice is "done" (paraphrasing here). I believe that. People make mistakes, but more than once in breaking off or running away from a relationship? Trust is lost, recriminations and resentment surface.
Wherever he is at it is only him that can take control of his life. As much as you may want to help and be supportive, that energy is best directed at yourself. Support and take care of yourself.
You are probably right about the great behaviour and not being held accountable. As for supportive women, I might not be so quick to believe that. His idea of supportive (support my drinking) and other's ideas (get to rehab) may be quite different.
This is a huge pattern for him and if you do succumb and get back in to this, you can be assured that he will just keep running for that next drink. It's the nature of alcoholism.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Have you read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie?[/QUOTE]
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