Newbie here
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Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 1
Newbie here
Afternoon all.......our family has been dealing with our AS (47) for quite a few years. Just when we thought things were getting better we find out that they are not.
We believe that he is a functioning opioid user..........till he's not. He's been able to live this life for a long time. We've done the usual trying to help. Intervention was the last thing we tried. Of course he did not comply. He divorced his wife and left his child. He was homeless for a few years. After some time with no contact he moved to another state and seemed like he was starting over till recently. His calls for borrowing money became more frequent. Using the excuse of Covid as to why he couldn't make his rent payment etc. He is living with a woman who was also his "drug buddy".
Fast forward to this weekend. We haven't seen him since Christmas. They were home for his daughters dance recital. They were fine when they got here but about 20 minutes here they both went to the bathroom. Came back and sat down and were both falling asleep. That half closed eye movement they do when they are high. I was so embarrassed as people passing by were staring, it was so obvious. We said nothing. By the time the recital was over they were both alert and wide eyed.
I don't want them here for the holidays!!! I do not know how to make this known to him with out a huge fight.....his denials, etc. I do not want my grandchildren and his 14 y.o daughter subjected to his behaviour. Not sure I can address this with him over a phone call as I get too emotional. Do I write a letter? How can I let him know that this is unacceptable and this won't be tolerated in our home?
Any advice for be much appreciated. Thanks
We believe that he is a functioning opioid user..........till he's not. He's been able to live this life for a long time. We've done the usual trying to help. Intervention was the last thing we tried. Of course he did not comply. He divorced his wife and left his child. He was homeless for a few years. After some time with no contact he moved to another state and seemed like he was starting over till recently. His calls for borrowing money became more frequent. Using the excuse of Covid as to why he couldn't make his rent payment etc. He is living with a woman who was also his "drug buddy".
Fast forward to this weekend. We haven't seen him since Christmas. They were home for his daughters dance recital. They were fine when they got here but about 20 minutes here they both went to the bathroom. Came back and sat down and were both falling asleep. That half closed eye movement they do when they are high. I was so embarrassed as people passing by were staring, it was so obvious. We said nothing. By the time the recital was over they were both alert and wide eyed.
I don't want them here for the holidays!!! I do not know how to make this known to him with out a huge fight.....his denials, etc. I do not want my grandchildren and his 14 y.o daughter subjected to his behaviour. Not sure I can address this with him over a phone call as I get too emotional. Do I write a letter? How can I let him know that this is unacceptable and this won't be tolerated in our home?
Any advice for be much appreciated. Thanks
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
I'm sorry for your situation. You have every right to set boundaries regarding your son, and to not invite him and his girlfriend for the holidays. It's your home and you make the decisions. You could email if a phone call won't work, explaining that you do not allow any drug use in your home. If you believe they will use drugs if they come, then you could decide to not invite them. It's your choice. It's not easy, but you need to do what is right for you and the rest of your family.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Addiction is a very powerful thing that blinds us addicts. And to complicate things it looks like he is in a relationship where he and his sig other are enabling each other. That is a very difficult and complex situation that only he can resolve. You seem to know this already.
I think you are doing the right thing by protecting your grandchildren and I also think writing the letter is a great idea. That way, you can take the time to get your message straight without muddying the waters. Couple things come to mind if you do write the letter:
-Don't be accusatory. Instead, focus on the actual behavior that you witnessed....the bathroom, others staring at them etc.
-State how that behavior made you and others feel. Don't assume how it made others feel though. If someone in the room made a comment about it, I would share that in the letter. What I'm saying is stick to the facts.
-State the consequences you are fearful of in relation to you and your grandchildren.
-State what needs to happen. In this case, that would be a temporary separation, until he gets clean.
By creating the separation, you will NOT be an enabler to his situation and that is really all you can do. Who knows, maybe the separation could be a catalyst for him to change.
Wishing you all the best!
I think you are doing the right thing by protecting your grandchildren and I also think writing the letter is a great idea. That way, you can take the time to get your message straight without muddying the waters. Couple things come to mind if you do write the letter:
-Don't be accusatory. Instead, focus on the actual behavior that you witnessed....the bathroom, others staring at them etc.
-State how that behavior made you and others feel. Don't assume how it made others feel though. If someone in the room made a comment about it, I would share that in the letter. What I'm saying is stick to the facts.
-State the consequences you are fearful of in relation to you and your grandchildren.
-State what needs to happen. In this case, that would be a temporary separation, until he gets clean.
By creating the separation, you will NOT be an enabler to his situation and that is really all you can do. Who knows, maybe the separation could be a catalyst for him to change.
Wishing you all the best!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome Meem2eight 
I think you have every right to set the boundaries for acceptable behaviour in your home. If your son doesn't like that, that's his problem, not yours.
You need to keep the rest of your family safe.
D
I think you have every right to set the boundaries for acceptable behaviour in your home. If your son doesn't like that, that's his problem, not yours.
You need to keep the rest of your family safe.
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
It is your right to set boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate in your house. I'd send him an email, and tell him why they're not invited for the holidays. Tell him what you saw of their behavior and that it's not acceptable to you.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Addicts leave collateral damage with their bad choices. But you don't have to be a witness to it. 
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Addicts leave collateral damage with their bad choices. But you don't have to be a witness to it.
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