Husband blames me and I am doubting my sanity
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 16
Husband blames me and I am doubting my sanity
Hi everyone,
I’m really glad to be here. I am the child of an alcohol and codependent who successfully saved their marriage and have become healthy, whole and amazing individuals. I’m grateful for my parents. I want to preface this with that.
My husband has been angry to an extent that causes problems in our home life (we have 6 kids) for the last handful of years. He has a high stress international job and is the sole breadwinner. I’m a private school teacher who is blessed to be able to have our children attend where I work, but my income is like a penny in a jar compared to my husbands’ and the expenses of a large family (I basically work at the school so that my children can attend for free).
Without going into a plethora and overabundance of details, my situation is this: I’m not sure if my husband is an addict or if I am to blame like he says I am. He has anywhere from 2-4 drinks a weekday and more on weekends. He doesn’t sleep well. He frequently accuses our kids of being disrespectful to him and me of taking him for granted and not loving him in the ways that he needs - and what he needs is to tell me everything that I have done wrong in the 25 years we have been together and tell me to “own” these things and “own” that I am not a perfect person but am very selfish and self-protective at his expense. He wants me to “own” everything from not celebrating his birthday properly ten years ago to me not making him a good dinner three days ago.
My parents have been talking me through how to bring up alcoholism. I did bring it up and he called me a cold effing b. He’d never called me a name before. That was the other night. Since then he’s been in either a pity party or raging at me to “let him have feelings” because apparently me clamming up when I perceive him as angry is selfish and an “eff you” to him (his words).
I don’t know what to do. This is a cycle. He says he drinks when he’s bored and it’s my fault he’s bored because he’s given up everything for me and the kids - friends and fun etc. He says everyone loves me and hates him and he’s the one who financially and emotionally carries our family.
The thing is that the only way to stop his rages is to agree with him. He’s never visibly drunk during them. So I’m not even sure he’s an alcoholic! I just base it on the daily drinking and the way that alcohol is such a big part of our lives (I was drinking more than I wanted and stopped a few months ago - I knew it was Bc I wanted to numb myself on weekends because he made me feel like I was walking on eggshells but that was MY feeling to own and I couldn’t continue to justify drinking a glass of wine in order to take the edge off - I had to sit in the discomfort and stop the denial...of that makes sense).
And so I end up a pool of tears and shaking and panic attacks in his presence. He harps on that I need to give him “closure” and open up and take responsibility. I don’t even know what he means in all these cases! I get so confused! And then I end up groveling. And that’s what happened most recently. And he wants me to keep acknowledging the hurt I’ve caused him by calling him an addict and asking if he wanted a divorce (I had asked him bc I told him it sounds like he hates me) and asking him to leave.
Am I crazy? I have a therapist. I do a ton of self-work. I don’t have issues with anyone but my husband. But I desperately do not want to blame him when it’s really me and I’m too messed up see it.
thanks for your feedback, truly
I’m really glad to be here. I am the child of an alcohol and codependent who successfully saved their marriage and have become healthy, whole and amazing individuals. I’m grateful for my parents. I want to preface this with that.
My husband has been angry to an extent that causes problems in our home life (we have 6 kids) for the last handful of years. He has a high stress international job and is the sole breadwinner. I’m a private school teacher who is blessed to be able to have our children attend where I work, but my income is like a penny in a jar compared to my husbands’ and the expenses of a large family (I basically work at the school so that my children can attend for free).
Without going into a plethora and overabundance of details, my situation is this: I’m not sure if my husband is an addict or if I am to blame like he says I am. He has anywhere from 2-4 drinks a weekday and more on weekends. He doesn’t sleep well. He frequently accuses our kids of being disrespectful to him and me of taking him for granted and not loving him in the ways that he needs - and what he needs is to tell me everything that I have done wrong in the 25 years we have been together and tell me to “own” these things and “own” that I am not a perfect person but am very selfish and self-protective at his expense. He wants me to “own” everything from not celebrating his birthday properly ten years ago to me not making him a good dinner three days ago.
My parents have been talking me through how to bring up alcoholism. I did bring it up and he called me a cold effing b. He’d never called me a name before. That was the other night. Since then he’s been in either a pity party or raging at me to “let him have feelings” because apparently me clamming up when I perceive him as angry is selfish and an “eff you” to him (his words).
I don’t know what to do. This is a cycle. He says he drinks when he’s bored and it’s my fault he’s bored because he’s given up everything for me and the kids - friends and fun etc. He says everyone loves me and hates him and he’s the one who financially and emotionally carries our family.
The thing is that the only way to stop his rages is to agree with him. He’s never visibly drunk during them. So I’m not even sure he’s an alcoholic! I just base it on the daily drinking and the way that alcohol is such a big part of our lives (I was drinking more than I wanted and stopped a few months ago - I knew it was Bc I wanted to numb myself on weekends because he made me feel like I was walking on eggshells but that was MY feeling to own and I couldn’t continue to justify drinking a glass of wine in order to take the edge off - I had to sit in the discomfort and stop the denial...of that makes sense).
And so I end up a pool of tears and shaking and panic attacks in his presence. He harps on that I need to give him “closure” and open up and take responsibility. I don’t even know what he means in all these cases! I get so confused! And then I end up groveling. And that’s what happened most recently. And he wants me to keep acknowledging the hurt I’ve caused him by calling him an addict and asking if he wanted a divorce (I had asked him bc I told him it sounds like he hates me) and asking him to leave.
Am I crazy? I have a therapist. I do a ton of self-work. I don’t have issues with anyone but my husband. But I desperately do not want to blame him when it’s really me and I’m too messed up see it.
thanks for your feedback, truly
Member
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 48
Hello ellalock! I’m new here, too, so I don’t have the advice and wisdom many here will have but I wanted to reach out to you because do much of what you wrote is familiar to me.
Like you, my husband had been the primary breadwinner in our house. This has caused him additional stress (which he does not handle well) and he has used it as one of his verbal weapons. We don’t have children together and have been married far less time.
But I’ve been there — the blame, the recrimination, the confusion. I, too, have listened to my AH blame me for things and have wondered if he’s right. I’ve felt like a horrible person and an utter failure.
Through some reading (a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells was a big help) and therapy I developed enough awareness to see that, while certain behavior patterns and habits of mine might have contributed to things, it was not my fault. The problem lay inside him — his insecurities, old deep wounds, anger, poor emotional regulation.
All that to say, I’m sure it’s not you. Like me, there may be things in yourself that need to be addressed, but it’s not all your fault. No one deserves to be berated and blamed like that.
What I’ve found in my case (or believe in my case) is that my AH has some very deep wounds and a lot of pain. He doesn’t know how to handle it. It comes out as anger. He desperately wants someone to help and fix him and, as the closest person, he latched on to me. But I can’t fix him. And that just makes his frustration worse. In many ways, his attitude is like that of a spoiled child, certain this one magical thing will fix his problems and angry that I won’t/can’t do that magical thing. But reality is the magical thing he’s locked on is a mirage and even if I did it, the problem would still be there. It’s an unending cycle.
We’re on similar paths. I’m hoping we can both find our way.
Like you, my husband had been the primary breadwinner in our house. This has caused him additional stress (which he does not handle well) and he has used it as one of his verbal weapons. We don’t have children together and have been married far less time.
But I’ve been there — the blame, the recrimination, the confusion. I, too, have listened to my AH blame me for things and have wondered if he’s right. I’ve felt like a horrible person and an utter failure.
Through some reading (a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells was a big help) and therapy I developed enough awareness to see that, while certain behavior patterns and habits of mine might have contributed to things, it was not my fault. The problem lay inside him — his insecurities, old deep wounds, anger, poor emotional regulation.
All that to say, I’m sure it’s not you. Like me, there may be things in yourself that need to be addressed, but it’s not all your fault. No one deserves to be berated and blamed like that.
What I’ve found in my case (or believe in my case) is that my AH has some very deep wounds and a lot of pain. He doesn’t know how to handle it. It comes out as anger. He desperately wants someone to help and fix him and, as the closest person, he latched on to me. But I can’t fix him. And that just makes his frustration worse. In many ways, his attitude is like that of a spoiled child, certain this one magical thing will fix his problems and angry that I won’t/can’t do that magical thing. But reality is the magical thing he’s locked on is a mirage and even if I did it, the problem would still be there. It’s an unending cycle.
We’re on similar paths. I’m hoping we can both find our way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You are not crazy. You are not to blame. Your husband is an adult who is responsible for his own behavior, his own reactions, and for dealing with his feelings. Just like every other adult in the world.
Never, ever let anyone convince you differently.
Never, ever let anyone convince you differently.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ella-----You are not crazy and you are not to blame. You are a woman who is being abused. You may not think of it at abuse, though. A person who is crying and trembling and having panic attacks in the presence of another person who has consistently berated them is a person who is suffering psychological abuse. There are many types of abuse---about 8 categories (according to experts on abuse).
You don't have to be hit to be abused. He is Wrong in what he is doing---and, he has no right to be doing it. You (and the children living in the home) do not deserve it.
As I see it---the First thing that you need is more emotional support---from real life people (and us, of course--lol).
With the trauma and imposed pain that you are living under tends to erode a person's self-esteem and self confidence. It generates self doubt and can make it impossible to even think straight. It can. also. become very isolating and lonely. Combined, it can be very detrimental to a person's overall health.
My suggestion to you is that you make contact with the local domestic abuse organization. Don't let that title intimidate you---you certainly do qualify even if he has never been physically violent (yet).
You can call them in COMPLETE ANONYMNITY. They are trained in ways to help you and keep you safe, in the process. They have many services and resources to help you, that you are probably totally unaware of. You will find them to be very understanding, as they deal with these situations every day. Your husband never needs to know.
It is great that your parents were able to deal with their pathologies and marriage. However, as a child living in a home with alcoholism and co-dependencey, for even a few years---it still can affect the children in ways that they carry into their adult years. Everyone in the family takes a hit. I think that you would benefit from reading the literature of the group called "Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families". You can get their "big book" and other literature on amazon.com. Just go to the book section and type in----"Adult Children of Alcoholics". I think you owe it to yourself to read it. I think a lot of it will resonate with you.
But. you still need compassionate support from real life people. You need validation. this is too difficult a road to walk alone.
Alanon is another possibility-----****it is recommended that, some of the techniques suggested in alanon may not be appropriate for those in an abusive situation---as it can sometimes make the situation worse. In abusive situations, it is good to seek the help of those who are trained in treating abuse. Safety is always best.
Now, I am aware that you might find my suggestions too extreme. I understand that, What I am worried about, for you, is that he has progressed to the point of calling you a demeaning name---when he never has before---and the degree of his verbal cruelty to you. alcoholism tends to worsen over time---and, so does abuse. I want you to be aware of this.
Remember this------I am sure that you parents mean well, However, they may not be completely aware of how to deal with your situation. Their marriage is not the same as your marriage, They are not able to be objective as professionals are----and, it is too much to ask them to be in the therapy role. It is good. however, if they are just supportive.
You don't have to be hit to be abused. He is Wrong in what he is doing---and, he has no right to be doing it. You (and the children living in the home) do not deserve it.
As I see it---the First thing that you need is more emotional support---from real life people (and us, of course--lol).
With the trauma and imposed pain that you are living under tends to erode a person's self-esteem and self confidence. It generates self doubt and can make it impossible to even think straight. It can. also. become very isolating and lonely. Combined, it can be very detrimental to a person's overall health.
My suggestion to you is that you make contact with the local domestic abuse organization. Don't let that title intimidate you---you certainly do qualify even if he has never been physically violent (yet).
You can call them in COMPLETE ANONYMNITY. They are trained in ways to help you and keep you safe, in the process. They have many services and resources to help you, that you are probably totally unaware of. You will find them to be very understanding, as they deal with these situations every day. Your husband never needs to know.
It is great that your parents were able to deal with their pathologies and marriage. However, as a child living in a home with alcoholism and co-dependencey, for even a few years---it still can affect the children in ways that they carry into their adult years. Everyone in the family takes a hit. I think that you would benefit from reading the literature of the group called "Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families". You can get their "big book" and other literature on amazon.com. Just go to the book section and type in----"Adult Children of Alcoholics". I think you owe it to yourself to read it. I think a lot of it will resonate with you.
But. you still need compassionate support from real life people. You need validation. this is too difficult a road to walk alone.
Alanon is another possibility-----****it is recommended that, some of the techniques suggested in alanon may not be appropriate for those in an abusive situation---as it can sometimes make the situation worse. In abusive situations, it is good to seek the help of those who are trained in treating abuse. Safety is always best.
Now, I am aware that you might find my suggestions too extreme. I understand that, What I am worried about, for you, is that he has progressed to the point of calling you a demeaning name---when he never has before---and the degree of his verbal cruelty to you. alcoholism tends to worsen over time---and, so does abuse. I want you to be aware of this.
Remember this------I am sure that you parents mean well, However, they may not be completely aware of how to deal with your situation. Their marriage is not the same as your marriage, They are not able to be objective as professionals are----and, it is too much to ask them to be in the therapy role. It is good. however, if they are just supportive.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 48
Ellalock, I want to back up something dandylion said — urging you to reach out to a domestic abuse organization. It can sound scary and surreal. Someone recommended that I do it a couple of years ago and I was hesitant (AH never hit me) but I did it. It was one of the best moves I made. I spoke many times with a counselor who was wise and experienced — but also so kind and understanding. It was so helpful to me in finding my voice and rebuilding my inner strength. I felt stronger and more secure than I had in months. I hope it’s something you’ll consider.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Wow. I came on here, as I do very sporadically these days, just to read through some posts because I am actually experiencing the exact same thing. My husband, who has been alcoholic for decades, seems to be reaching a new level of meanness. He has always had issues, of course, with self-image and self-respect, but he would rarely take it out on me.
But he has been mean to me in public to the extent that our guests will tell him to be nice, he creates little false narratives about me that aren't true and then accuses me of lying to myself if I protest that he is off base. Then if I try to remove myself from the situation, he calls that out as a character defect, too. I was really angry on Saturday because our plumbing was all backed up--I couldn't even do dishes. And he went ahead and invited people over for a lobster dinner. So I was angry at the expense, the mess it would cause, and the fact that he didn't even ask me.
He responded to my anger with jeers and derision. And also by doing the exact same thing yesterday--he again invited people over for lobster dinner without asking me. I could only conclude that he was intentionally trying to make me angry in the most disrespectful way possible.
As a side note, I am wondering if this is a symptom of late stage liver disease, because he now has decompensated cirrhosis. I'm wondering if his brain is altered. He has never been this blatantly mean. I try to stay dispassionate, but it is hard.
So, ellalock, thank you so much for being the first post I opened up here. As for your situation, please know you are NOT alone, and that the others are right in that you are being gaslighted and abused. Keep coming back!
But he has been mean to me in public to the extent that our guests will tell him to be nice, he creates little false narratives about me that aren't true and then accuses me of lying to myself if I protest that he is off base. Then if I try to remove myself from the situation, he calls that out as a character defect, too. I was really angry on Saturday because our plumbing was all backed up--I couldn't even do dishes. And he went ahead and invited people over for a lobster dinner. So I was angry at the expense, the mess it would cause, and the fact that he didn't even ask me.
He responded to my anger with jeers and derision. And also by doing the exact same thing yesterday--he again invited people over for lobster dinner without asking me. I could only conclude that he was intentionally trying to make me angry in the most disrespectful way possible.
As a side note, I am wondering if this is a symptom of late stage liver disease, because he now has decompensated cirrhosis. I'm wondering if his brain is altered. He has never been this blatantly mean. I try to stay dispassionate, but it is hard.
So, ellalock, thank you so much for being the first post I opened up here. As for your situation, please know you are NOT alone, and that the others are right in that you are being gaslighted and abused. Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Wow.
And hello.
No, I don't think you're crazy (except for the part of you that tinkers with believing your husband). Whether he's an alcoholic or not seems to be beside the point. It looks to me like you're experiencing first hand verbal and emotional abuse. Unlike the addict who has to go through detox/withdrawal to get sober - you can just get OUT. You don't have to go through this. Looks to me like you've already been through enough.
And hello.
No, I don't think you're crazy (except for the part of you that tinkers with believing your husband). Whether he's an alcoholic or not seems to be beside the point. It looks to me like you're experiencing first hand verbal and emotional abuse. Unlike the addict who has to go through detox/withdrawal to get sober - you can just get OUT. You don't have to go through this. Looks to me like you've already been through enough.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I would like to make a comment to solomio----but, I think it is also appropriate for others on this thread, also. The brain of every alcoholic is altered. Especially, after some years of moderate to heavy drinking. This shows in many ways----but, most especially in the frontal lobe of the brain---the part that is involved in cognition----thinking. This area is involved in reasoning, judgement, planning decision making, etc.
It is called the part of the brain that is involved in "executive functions".
The brain damage can be easily seen on a brain scan when compared to a normal brain.
The following link will show you such a brain scan,
https://www.bing.com/images/search?v...RST&ajaxhist=0
It is called the part of the brain that is involved in "executive functions".
The brain damage can be easily seen on a brain scan when compared to a normal brain.
The following link will show you such a brain scan,
https://www.bing.com/images/search?v...RST&ajaxhist=0
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
hi ellalock, glad you found SR but sorry for what brings you here, of course.
No, you should not doubt your sanity at all. If you really step back and look at it, your behaviour is completely normal. When we are being abused and for whatever reason are not sticking up for/protecting ourselves, it leads to anxiety, stress, panic - basically fear.
Why wouldn't you feel that way? The man you married, the other person on your "team" is treating you very badly, insulting you, berating you.
Let's pretend for a moment that everything he is saying is true (it's not). Even then, an adult, quiet, discussion would be in order while you solve this "problem", not screaming at you about how horrible you are (you aren't!).
Your Husband is standing in front of you, he looks just like he did yesterday, walks like he did yesterday, it's just the talk that's changed, it's incredibly confusing to OUR brains!
The point dandylion just made, about how alcohol affects the brain is so very important. Even when an alcoholic is "sober" for a few days, they are not really functioning normally, the affects to the brain are still there.
Have you thought about what you might be able to do? Can he leave for a while?
No, you should not doubt your sanity at all. If you really step back and look at it, your behaviour is completely normal. When we are being abused and for whatever reason are not sticking up for/protecting ourselves, it leads to anxiety, stress, panic - basically fear.
Why wouldn't you feel that way? The man you married, the other person on your "team" is treating you very badly, insulting you, berating you.
Let's pretend for a moment that everything he is saying is true (it's not). Even then, an adult, quiet, discussion would be in order while you solve this "problem", not screaming at you about how horrible you are (you aren't!).
Your Husband is standing in front of you, he looks just like he did yesterday, walks like he did yesterday, it's just the talk that's changed, it's incredibly confusing to OUR brains!
The point dandylion just made, about how alcohol affects the brain is so very important. Even when an alcoholic is "sober" for a few days, they are not really functioning normally, the affects to the brain are still there.
Have you thought about what you might be able to do? Can he leave for a while?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Welcome, ellalock! I would also urge you to reach out and contact your local DV organization. First, what you are experiencing is emotional abuse, and if anything, your feelings are going to be validated and you will find out that you are really not the crazy one if you do reach out. Second, people often blame alcohol for abusiveness, but alcohol does not make one abusive . . . it only lowers inhibition. Third, abuse is all about control. You are being emotionally abused because your husband is trying to control you (and the situation in general) when you confront him about his possible drinking (when I would try to confront my ex, it would turn him into a human rattlesnake, instant shape-shifting). Fourth, abuse gets worse with time. Fifth, you have zero responsibility over his actions/boredom. That sentence just came from the book of quacks all alcoholics carry around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 16
Thank you all so incredibly much. I do plan to reply to each response as soon as I can - I’m so grateful for all of you who have taken the time to reply. This whole situation feels so lonely...so confusing. Maddening. I’m sure I’m not alone in that.
I wish I could feel confident in believing alcohol to be the root or at least the exacerbater of this problem. It’s so hard for me to believe that I’m not a horrible person because of the things that my husband says to me. And I’m definitely not horrible. I know that.
I wish I had proof of how his drinking is excessive. Is having a few beers and a mixed drink a day too much? It’s daily. On the weekends maybe 1 mixed drink and 4 beers a day. I don’t think he drinks in secret, and he has no friends that he ever goes out with so he’s not drinking socially. I know that he needs friends...he needs support and connection. I also know that he views pornography, and I think it’s for a sense of connection and escapism and self-fulfillment because he doesn’t feel any of those things with me. He has said as much. He denies porn currently - admits to it in the past but says it was because I would be nursing a baby and that made sex hard to do.
I mean, I know this can’t be all me. But do I try and pacify him and do what he needs to be able to help him heal??
That sounds insane even typing it out - I know the answer. I’m just afraid.
I wish I could feel confident in believing alcohol to be the root or at least the exacerbater of this problem. It’s so hard for me to believe that I’m not a horrible person because of the things that my husband says to me. And I’m definitely not horrible. I know that.
I wish I had proof of how his drinking is excessive. Is having a few beers and a mixed drink a day too much? It’s daily. On the weekends maybe 1 mixed drink and 4 beers a day. I don’t think he drinks in secret, and he has no friends that he ever goes out with so he’s not drinking socially. I know that he needs friends...he needs support and connection. I also know that he views pornography, and I think it’s for a sense of connection and escapism and self-fulfillment because he doesn’t feel any of those things with me. He has said as much. He denies porn currently - admits to it in the past but says it was because I would be nursing a baby and that made sex hard to do.
I mean, I know this can’t be all me. But do I try and pacify him and do what he needs to be able to help him heal??
That sounds insane even typing it out - I know the answer. I’m just afraid.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ella-----of course you are afraid. This is why, in my opinion, that you need the support of understanding real life people who understand---beyond mere words. You need to know that there are others who have your back. In fact, I consider that to be vital. There are many many others who have been where you are, and, have found their way out of it.
You can start by making the tiniest baby steps.
I think that reaching out to the local dv organization would be a wonderful beginning step.
You can start by making the tiniest baby steps.
I think that reaching out to the local dv organization would be a wonderful beginning step.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Originally Posted by ellalock 
I wish I had proof of how his drinking is excessive. Is having a few beers and a mixed drink a day too much? It’s daily. On the weekends maybe 1 mixed drink and 4 beers a day. I don’t think he drinks in secret, and he has no friends that he ever goes out with so he’s not drinking socially. I know that he needs friends...he needs support and connection. I also know that he views pornography, and I think it’s for a sense of connection and escapism and self-fulfillment because he doesn’t feel any of those things with me. He has said as much. He denies porn currently - admits to it in the past but says it was because I would be nursing a baby and that made sex hard to do.
And then you say, "But do I try and pacify him, and do what he needs to be able to help him heal??" My effort to do something like this was more than futile. My actions had no effect on him. I could only control what I was doing for myself and my healing. Your husband's denial is a real issue. You have zero power over his denial, and yet you are getting hurt.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,357
Originally Posted by ellalock
Thank you all so incredibly much. I do plan to reply to each response as soon as I can - I’m so grateful for all of you who have taken the time to reply. This whole situation feels so lonely...so confusing. Maddening. I’m sure I’m not alone in that.
I wish I could feel confident in believing alcohol to be the root or at least the exacerbater of this problem. It’s so hard for me to believe that I’m not a horrible person because of the things that my husband says to me. And I’m definitely not horrible. I know that.
I wish I had proof of how his drinking is excessive. Is having a few beers and a mixed drink a day too much? It’s daily. On the weekends maybe 1 mixed drink and 4 beers a day. I don’t think he drinks in secret, and he has no friends that he ever goes out with so he’s not drinking socially. I know that he needs friends...he needs support and connection. I also know that he views pornography, and I think it’s for a sense of connection and escapism and self-fulfillment because he doesn’t feel any of those things with me. He has said as much. He denies porn currently - admits to it in the past but says it was because I would be nursing a baby and that made sex hard to do.
I mean, I know this can’t be all me. But do I try and pacify him and do what he needs to be able to help him heal??
That sounds insane even typing it out - I know the answer. I’m just afraid.
I wish I could feel confident in believing alcohol to be the root or at least the exacerbater of this problem. It’s so hard for me to believe that I’m not a horrible person because of the things that my husband says to me. And I’m definitely not horrible. I know that.
I wish I had proof of how his drinking is excessive. Is having a few beers and a mixed drink a day too much? It’s daily. On the weekends maybe 1 mixed drink and 4 beers a day. I don’t think he drinks in secret, and he has no friends that he ever goes out with so he’s not drinking socially. I know that he needs friends...he needs support and connection. I also know that he views pornography, and I think it’s for a sense of connection and escapism and self-fulfillment because he doesn’t feel any of those things with me. He has said as much. He denies porn currently - admits to it in the past but says it was because I would be nursing a baby and that made sex hard to do.
I mean, I know this can’t be all me. But do I try and pacify him and do what he needs to be able to help him heal??
That sounds insane even typing it out - I know the answer. I’m just afraid.
You're not crazy. You just busted him so he has to turn it around on you so that he can continue in his compulsions.
*https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/...will-tell-you/
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by ellalock
That sounds insane even typing it out - I know the answer. I’m just afraid.
You are who you are (as we all are) some bad, mostly good and generally trying our best. What's wrong with that? Nothing.
Getting outside help would probably be immensely helpful to you (and of course keep posting here). You can't help him "heal", even if you are a licensed psychiatrist, you are too close to this situation. He needs outside support and that is his choice.
He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. That may sound harsh but isn't intended that way. He is a grown man, he is choosing these actions, he has a drinking problem and wants to drink. He is no doubt frustrated and unhappy and he takes it out on you. Don't let him.
I doubt you were put on this earth to be anyone's doormat or punching bag? You are concerned about helping him heal, who is looking after you? You need to be your own support, focusing on yourself and not on his alcoholism is key here. Alcohol is running your lives, that's his choice but it's your choice to get out from under it?
I know that is easy for me to say here. I really hope you take dandylion's advice and call your local domestic violence help line. It is confidential and can be anonymous if you choose.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Ellalock, I have been in your shoes. I know the kind of anxiety you are living with. I know what it is like to have an alcoholic husband. I know what it is like to have him gaslight me and manipulate me. I'd been the target of his outwardly projected self loathing and I think that is what is happening to you. He is definitely protecting himself and his disease, that's what they do, and they always lay the blame somewhere else (until they are ready to deal with the ugly truth).
You are not crazy, no matter how many times he makes you feel that way. I remember at times my anxiety sure made me feel as if I was indeed losing my marbles. I think it is always in ones best interest to examine any situation in which another person triggers our "fight or flight" response the way your husband is triggering yours'. Please listen to your instincts. Trust your gut, not your heart.
When I first landed here on SRF&F I was also looking for the answers to the questions I had about how to help him fix himself, so I could save our marriage. Between being here and reading "Codependent No More", I learned I could not help him fix him. I could be supportive by leaving his behaviors and decisions up to him and minding my own business. My side of the street needed some cleaning up so that's where I focused my energy. That was the best thing I ever could have done.
My (ex)husband never chose recovery from alcoholism. I did choose to recover from codependence. Our marriage did not survive because that unhealthy dynamic wasn't one I was willing to participate in anymore. We'd been together 26 years and raised a family together, divorcing was the hardest most painful thing I've ever done, it was also the wisest. Of course that's just my story, everyone else has their own.
Whether or not your husband is an "actual" alcoholic is neither here nor there. His drinking IS impacting YOU and that matters. Your health, your thoughts, your dreams, your safety, your right to respect and a peaceful home are valid feelings, valid NEEDS. Please don't deny yourself these things to appease a bully, alcoholic or not.
I'm glad you are here. I hope you stick around and keep talking with us. I hope you have taken the advice of those people before me that asked you to call the DV hotline. You deserve to feel safe in your own home and in your own skin.
You are not crazy, no matter how many times he makes you feel that way. I remember at times my anxiety sure made me feel as if I was indeed losing my marbles. I think it is always in ones best interest to examine any situation in which another person triggers our "fight or flight" response the way your husband is triggering yours'. Please listen to your instincts. Trust your gut, not your heart.
When I first landed here on SRF&F I was also looking for the answers to the questions I had about how to help him fix himself, so I could save our marriage. Between being here and reading "Codependent No More", I learned I could not help him fix him. I could be supportive by leaving his behaviors and decisions up to him and minding my own business. My side of the street needed some cleaning up so that's where I focused my energy. That was the best thing I ever could have done.
My (ex)husband never chose recovery from alcoholism. I did choose to recover from codependence. Our marriage did not survive because that unhealthy dynamic wasn't one I was willing to participate in anymore. We'd been together 26 years and raised a family together, divorcing was the hardest most painful thing I've ever done, it was also the wisest. Of course that's just my story, everyone else has their own.
Whether or not your husband is an "actual" alcoholic is neither here nor there. His drinking IS impacting YOU and that matters. Your health, your thoughts, your dreams, your safety, your right to respect and a peaceful home are valid feelings, valid NEEDS. Please don't deny yourself these things to appease a bully, alcoholic or not.
I'm glad you are here. I hope you stick around and keep talking with us. I hope you have taken the advice of those people before me that asked you to call the DV hotline. You deserve to feel safe in your own home and in your own skin.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 16
Stany,
Your words mean so much. This experience is just so horribly painful. I wish no one ever had to go through it. I think part of my upset is just shock...I went through this as a child with a father who was an addict, my sister was also an addict who married an addict, and now I am married to an addict. I'm realizing more and more that the cycle isn't just "addict can make another addict"...maybe it's also "addict can make another codependent". In either case, I know that I have to get over this shock. I'm just so scared. All three people that I mentioned did go on to be successful in recovery and remake their lives.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, too. You are TOTALLY CORRECT that the problem lays inside of our partners, not within us. If it was within us, I'm sure it'd have been fixed by now. By us posting here, it affirms that we're self-witnessing people who have compassion. I know we need to have compassion for ourselves, too.
Praying for you and that we can both post positive updates soon. However that looks.
Your words mean so much. This experience is just so horribly painful. I wish no one ever had to go through it. I think part of my upset is just shock...I went through this as a child with a father who was an addict, my sister was also an addict who married an addict, and now I am married to an addict. I'm realizing more and more that the cycle isn't just "addict can make another addict"...maybe it's also "addict can make another codependent". In either case, I know that I have to get over this shock. I'm just so scared. All three people that I mentioned did go on to be successful in recovery and remake their lives.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, too. You are TOTALLY CORRECT that the problem lays inside of our partners, not within us. If it was within us, I'm sure it'd have been fixed by now. By us posting here, it affirms that we're self-witnessing people who have compassion. I know we need to have compassion for ourselves, too.
Praying for you and that we can both post positive updates soon. However that looks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 48
ellalock, I’m glad we both found this place. It makes a big difference to know you’re not alone.
So often there is family history — and not just for the addict. In my case, the sister closest in age to me also has problems. We were very close (less than two years apart and constant playmates). Then, as a teen, she developed an eating disorder and turned into a monster. Lots of emotional and verbal abuse, mostly aimed at me and our parents. I fell into a caretaker role looking after and shielding my youngest sisters.
So imagine my horror when I realized I married someone who had so much in common with my sister and who made my life hell — again.
My sister got better, married, had healthy, beautiful children. But she’s started struggling again, started secretly drinking and is now in an in-patient facility. I sincerely hope she’s able to recover. She has four wonderful kids (ages 8-15) and I pray the effect on them had been minimal.
sorry to hijack the thread. I say all that to say that, no, you’re not alone. And the patterns and similarities we find are all comforting and surprising — of them are to me.
So often there is family history — and not just for the addict. In my case, the sister closest in age to me also has problems. We were very close (less than two years apart and constant playmates). Then, as a teen, she developed an eating disorder and turned into a monster. Lots of emotional and verbal abuse, mostly aimed at me and our parents. I fell into a caretaker role looking after and shielding my youngest sisters.
So imagine my horror when I realized I married someone who had so much in common with my sister and who made my life hell — again.
My sister got better, married, had healthy, beautiful children. But she’s started struggling again, started secretly drinking and is now in an in-patient facility. I sincerely hope she’s able to recover. She has four wonderful kids (ages 8-15) and I pray the effect on them had been minimal.
sorry to hijack the thread. I say all that to say that, no, you’re not alone. And the patterns and similarities we find are all comforting and surprising — of them are to me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
I guess one thing not really talked about yet, here, is the affect on your children.
The pattern that you are experiencing may well be their pattern too. We can hope that the effect on children is small, but it rarely is. This doesn't mean they can't go on to live happy and successful lives, it does mean they could probably do with some counselling, Alanon/Alateen or a therapist.
Why? Because there are patterns, because many children of alcoholics go on to have immense patience (with dysfunction) and defense mechanisms and assorted other issues. Great patience with addicts, thinking this is "normal", defense mechanisms built from living in a house with an alcoholic and the erratic behaviour of the parent.
If you think about how you feel in this situation, imagine how they feel, they are powerless. The only thing protecting them is you. You get to make all the decisions and they are helpless to make any of their own. Even that part there is very scary for a child, to be at the whim of the alcohol/alcoholic.
You know all this, I know.
I also had an alcoholic Father and I'm not victim, I'm all grown up and I know the effects well - now. Even a few years ago I probably couldn't have identified them.
My Mother didn't drink, my Father never got in to recovery and their marriage was not a success (they eventually divorced after 20 years).
All this is to say, even if you can't bring yourself to separate from this, I hope you will get them some help, it's a great investment in their future.
You might want to look up ACOA (adult children of alcoholics).
The pattern that you are experiencing may well be their pattern too. We can hope that the effect on children is small, but it rarely is. This doesn't mean they can't go on to live happy and successful lives, it does mean they could probably do with some counselling, Alanon/Alateen or a therapist.
Why? Because there are patterns, because many children of alcoholics go on to have immense patience (with dysfunction) and defense mechanisms and assorted other issues. Great patience with addicts, thinking this is "normal", defense mechanisms built from living in a house with an alcoholic and the erratic behaviour of the parent.
If you think about how you feel in this situation, imagine how they feel, they are powerless. The only thing protecting them is you. You get to make all the decisions and they are helpless to make any of their own. Even that part there is very scary for a child, to be at the whim of the alcohol/alcoholic.
You know all this, I know.
I also had an alcoholic Father and I'm not victim, I'm all grown up and I know the effects well - now. Even a few years ago I probably couldn't have identified them.
My Mother didn't drink, my Father never got in to recovery and their marriage was not a success (they eventually divorced after 20 years).
All this is to say, even if you can't bring yourself to separate from this, I hope you will get them some help, it's a great investment in their future.
You might want to look up ACOA (adult children of alcoholics).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
My husband blames me too. It's so easy to blame someone else than look inside. Stay true to your reality because they are yours. My husband is blaming me for our financial problems. He states all the lawyer expenses have cost us. If he looks further he would see that it was his drinking that started that ball rolling along with the abuse that the children and I suffered. Having counseling help would help him. I also wonder if husband suffers from some depression.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
