dizzybee

I have to get honest with myself. I have a real problem that is continuing to sabotage my life and keep me stuck. Alcohol has been the catalyst for nearly every bad decision I've ever made, including cheating on my husband. Drunk last night, I decided to tell him. I was so focused on drinking I became convinced he hid the remaining beers in the house from me and even went to the recycle bin to see if they were there. I drank them all and didn't realize it. That was after the original multi wine bottle session of course.

Today I'm feeling a strange mix of determination and honesty, mixed with shame and regret. The cheating was years ago but I never intended to tell him because I didn't want to hurt him. Now it's out there, and I honestly don't know what comes next. But I'm forcing myself to dig deep and ask myself why, what were my motivations. I don't know if I was trying to "prove" I have a problem, sabotage my relationship, or what. I'm here I guess as some sort of confessional.

But I'm also here because I HAVE to make a change. I HAVE to get honest with myself about how I keep f*ing up my life again and again, and the common thread is alcohol. I feel like I will never become the whole of who I am and will never know how great my life will be if I don't make a change. I HAVE TO CHANGE.

I need help, and I need support. I do not know where to find it. He doesn't want to give up drinking - well in my past attempts anyway he insisted that we could drink a little like normal people though I have proven again and again I cannot. I am afraid to go to AA or any support meetings because I work in an industry where I would be a giant hypocrite if I were ever seen there by the people we work with. I do not have sober friends. I'm at a loss of how to keep myself focused but back to what this is all about - I will only find that focus if I get real and if I get honest.

Day 1. Please God help me.

Anna

I'm glad you have decided to stop drinking. It doesn't matter too much that your husband wants to continue drinking. You know what is the right thing for you. Maybe you can plan to be out when he's drinking or in a different room in the house, so you don't have to be around it.

I have used SR as my main support in recovery, including many helpful books that I've read. If AA is not for you, you can find something that will work. Have you considered therapy? It might be something that could help your self-sabotaging issues. I was definitely someone who self-sabotaged. My self-esteem was so low, and I found that I was comfortable with failure, as it seemed familiar. Succeeding at something felt much riskier. But, at some point, I knew I had to step out my downward spiral and take a risk that I could succeed at some things. You can too.

tomls

Make your sobriety the most important thing in your life. Quit for yourself. If you quit for anyone else if they make you mad you might relapse to hurt them. Best wishes for you on your journey! Read and post often on SR!

dizzybee

Thank you both for your responses. It's tough with my husband because we drink together - I actually think we enable each other like crazy - so I often sway when he suggests a happy hour or something (even though it winds up being a binge night). I know we have a lot to talk about today, but I plan to stand firm in telling him my decision to not drink as a non-negotiable. It has to be that way.

I have been in therapy on and off for years as I have a trauma history. Done a ton of work but still struggle with depression and anxiety. Of course alcohol exacerbates the hell out of that. I am honest with my current therapist about my drinking but I think you're right that I should bring up the self sabotage. It's strange because I'm actually pretty successful in a lot of other areas. It's just close relationships where I lose it.

boreas

Dizzy,

So sorry for what you are going through. My marriage ended before I got sober so I can’t speak to that part of your problem. But there are members here who have embraced sobriety while living with someone who continues to drink.

I can share my experience getting sober alone. All DS knows is that I used to drink, now I don’t. No one else knows a thing, except that I look remarkably better than I used to. Support would have been nice, but for a variety of reasons IRL support just wasn’t available to me.

I found success tackling one thing at a time. It is easy to get overwhelmed trying to solve all of the problems on the table. If you can stop drinking, you may be pleasantly surprised how much of all the other “stuff” got better or resolved. At least that was my experience.

Best wishes!
-bora

fini

dizzybee,
AA and secular organizations all have online zoom meetings, and you can even hide your face while joining a meeting halfway across the world. so that takes care of super anonymity.
that aside, i found it super scary just to join an online forum when i started out, and can empathize with your fear. for me, my fear was really something bigger than and separate from concern about anonymity, though i didn't see that at the time and just lumped them together. so that i wouldn't need to go.

but that was before zoom meetings, and you have many more options now.
i would encourage you to use some you're not wanting to use, too.
wishing you well for the days and conversations ahead

D122y

Until SR taught me what I was dealing with, it was impossible for me to quit.

There is no mystery. It is all chemicals in my brain that effect my emotions. I defeat them with analysis.

As my body's physical addiction went away, the brain's addiction ramped up. This escalated through about 6 months clean.

We addicts love to drink or obsess over drinking. It seems like I will be here for life trying to keep my sober streak.

By any means.

Thanks.

Dee74

I hope today can be the start of something great for you Dizzybee

D

Misssy2

Relationships suc...married or not...most of them...not all suc.
Drinking sucs
When I decided to work on me...none of that stuff could matter...I had to work on me.
I hope you feel better soon....

least

Get sober for YOU. For your own good, no matter what your husband does or says.

BEELS

this is how I got over my fear of AA. I’m on day 27 today. 4 whole weeks straight —for the first time in 13 years. I join meetings all over and find some more helpful than others but it is good to hear stories and be with like-minded people who have all been exactly where you are right now....

it does get better. I sleep so well!!!! my anxiety, anger, shame, self-doubt, are all diminishing. The more sober muscles I build the wondering about what others think about me. It drinking doesn’t cross my at all. I just stopped. I don’t drink.

most of all... the best parts are having a much better relations with my spouse and kids. I handle stress and problems better. I never wake up hungover and wondering what I said or did —or with regrets.

stopping drinking is easy. It’s the “not picking up the first one” that is challenging. But it gets a little easier to ride out the temptation... especially if you keep coming here and trying things like AA.

good luck. You can do this... it is so worth it. You are worth it.

B

dizzybee

I'm so curious what this means. I have never made it to 6 months but it sounds like there's a future beast waiting down the road of recovery. Very interested in your input!

dizzybee

Thanks everyone for the replies and support. It's just a sh*tastic time no matter what. I wish I wasn't doing things this way, because unfortunately I've given myself a bazillion problems to work out at once. Sucks sucks sucks, and stupid alcohol is the root cause of it all.

I didn't know you could zoom without a camera on, so maybe I can consider that. I really feel like I need to understand myself more first. And it is hopeful to hear some of you were able to do this on your own so to speak.

I appreciate all of your replies.

Sober45

This sounds just like me. I've been with the same man for 25 years and we do everything together, including drinking. Also I work in a counselling type job and I live in a small town...AA was not an option.

Shortly before I quit, I asked my husband if he thought I had a problem and he responded "I don't know...maybe". How could he be so nonchalant about something that was killing me?! I was so upset but looking back now I can see he was irritated because he liked us the they way we were. He didn't know what a sober me would look like and neither did I.

But I did it, dizzybee, and you can too. With the help of SR and some really serious planning on how to fill up my drinking time, I'm almost 8 months sober. He still drinks but he sticks to beer and doesn't drink in my presence.

The best thing is that the sober me is so much nicer. He wouldn't trade my sobriety for anything now...I have his full support. Turns out, he just needed to see what he was missing. We both did.

dizzybee

Oh my gosh this is so hopeful - thank you! I really relate to this, especially the nonchalance. I have often felt hurt that he's had no problem with seeing how miserable I make myself after drinking. Like how can he be okay with that? You can't miss the outcomes of my drinking because they show up in all areas. Maybe not to the public, but to a spouse? Super obvious - he's the one that has to see hungover me scrapping potential responsibilities and complaining about my ever increasingly awful hangover symptoms.

I hope you're right that if there's the opportunity to see a better version of myself then the rest wouldn't matter. I really do think he just doesn't want to give up his drinking buddy though, and I'm a darn good one.

Thanks for the post.

Dee74

Hi dizzy

I think, in reality, we live in a world of drinkers. We have to stay sober in that environment if we want the kind of life we want.

It makes it more of a challenge when a drinker - an alcoholic - is in our home, but as people have shown here, and in other threads you'll read, it's not an impossible situation.

We can mark out our own path. Use the support here, Dizzy.

D

fini

“I really feel like I need to understand myself more first.”
i get that, dizzybee. i felt the same. in retrospect, i gained much real understanding of myself from interaction with others, and from hearing and sharing, than i ever could have in just sticking around in my own head.
not saying that’s what you’re doing.
but am trying to encourage you to at least giving connecting with others in cyber meetings a fair shot. you can also just listen and say “i’m going to pass” in any and all meetings, forever if you want.
i started my sober journey with including one Lifering meeting. i decided i HAD to make myself go to one face-to-face meeting, to drive home to myself the absolute reality of my problem.
i never intended to go for support, or connection, or engagement, and i certainly wasn’t going to speak.
well, i spoke. a lot poured out. i felt accepted. relieved. hopeful. couldn’t wait to go back.
that was my experience.
yours might differ entirely.
but might be well worth checking out.

dizzybee

Yep, this is true. If everything I've done up to this point hasn't driven home the reality of my problem maybe there is room for accountability. A very good point.

Dee, I appreciate your reminder - and everyone else's - that it's possible to get sober with an alcoholic spouse. It hasn't felt like it so far. But I'm hearing and seeing others who have. I really am.

Thanks again.

Dropsie

Dizzy,

How are you doing?

Been thinking about you.