Rehab WTF

Old 08-21-2020, 09:12 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Rehab WTF

So my XAH pretty much was court ordered during a child custody hearing (the court did not make him do this, his attorney pretty much made him agree) to go to inpatient rehab. So he gets into a place with GREAT reviews and seems pretty legit almost right away. Leaving me resentful because it’s like- why didn’t you do this a decade ago hmmm??? So while he is in rehab I have the kids almost exclusively but let the kids go with his parents a few times. He barely calls or writes the kids while there which I thought was off. Part of it is trying to heal relationships I understand and you don’t even go the extra mile to connect with your kids??? The few times I did hear him talking it seemed to always include comments about when he thought he would be out, like it was jail or something.

Anyways, fast forward almost 6 weeks and he is out. I only learn that he is out because of a paper he needed signed that he emailed me about (he didn’t have email in rehab.... so I inquired further and yes he is out). He is literally acting like it never happened to me. I’m sitting back in shock a bit. Like dead sober he still appears to have no concept of the pain and suffering he has caused my kids and I. No apology. Or even an appreciation enough of “hey thanks for taking care of the kids and making an effort to let them spend time with my family while I was away”. Nothing!!!

i feel like this is all of the red flags. I understand recovery to be fully comprehending your drinking and the impact it has had, as well as processing those feelings and working to repair relationships. So to walk out and act like nothing happened to me??? Maybe he is apologizing to his parents or his gf or friends but he still seems very much in denial about me and our 13 year marriage and kids and constant court drama.

Am I missing something???!!!

batchel9 is offline  
Old 08-21-2020, 09:32 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
ItsNotYou2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2020
Location: Anywhere, US
Posts: 21
He is likely not yet on that step of his recovery. It takes awhile. Instead of waiting on his recovery, how is yours going?
ItsNotYou2 is offline  
Old 08-22-2020, 03:35 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 433
It took him a long time to get himself where he is today. It will take a long time to unravel the mess.
i know it's hard but try to have compassion for him and his process. He has maybe only just begun to scrape the surface and is dealing with the more superficial hurts.
Sounds like what you went through runs much deeper and may be hidden under layers of denial. He may not have the capacity to deal with things on that level just yet.
From the extended serenity prayer

Grant me patience with the changes that take time, appreciation of all that I have and tolerance for those with different struggles

A short stint in rehab is not a magic wand. It's wonderful for your kids and you and him that he is on the recovery path. It would be lovely if it was the end of the story. It is not, it's another beginning.
Amaranth is offline  
Old 08-22-2020, 04:14 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Unfortunately, rehab is the just the start of a life-long journey. And early recovery is often just as selfish is active addiction because the recovering alcoholic needs to put every bit of their mind and energy into learning how to live without alcohol. He really may simply not have it in him to be what he needs and what you need yet.

Plus, some of those who struggle with addiction require several times in rehab before they really commit to this new, sober life.

Batchel, do you have someone for you and the kids can talk to about how you are all feeling?
Seren is offline  
Old 08-22-2020, 04:27 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
batchel-------lol--Yes, I think that your Are missing a few things. I think that few people understand the course and nature of alcoholism unless they have a special reason to research and study it. Even doctors and therapists don't know much about it (except, maybe for the physical symptoms) unless they have had additional study and experience...Who knew?
It often comes as a complete shock to the partner when/if the alcoholic Finally---finally---goes to rehab and does not come out as the kind of person that they were first dating. After all, the partner may have spent years thinking that if the alcoholic wasn't drinking, that things would be great. In fact, it can be even worse when the alcoholic is sober, than when they are drinking.
Genuine recovery is much, much more than just putting down the drink. While not drinking is a necessary first step---the real work comes after that. Rehab just points the alcoholic in the right direction.
It is up to the alcoholic to adhere to a Life-Long program of recovery principles. There is not "cure" for alcoholism---it has to be kept in remission.

Geuine recovery takes a long time to begin to see results. It involves changing ones thinking and attitude and practicing a new way of being and behaving. The chang in thinking leads to a change in attitude. These changes can lead to an eventual change is behaviors. This can begin to take place in about a year---for those who are willing to diligently work a strong and continuous program. Getting into genuine recovery takes 2--3---4--5 years---depending on the alcoholic and who you talk to,
After all, it usually takes several years to get to the point of needing rehab---and deep changes don't happen overnight.

Unless the alcoholic is willing to do the hard work that is required, eventual relapse is usually in the cards. If the recovering alcoholic drops away from their program---even after several years---relapse is still in the cards.

batchel----you may be unrealistic in your expectations of your ex.----given what you have shared with us. You may be better off is you lower your bar on what you expect of him.

I think it would be good if you studied alcoholism and the natural course of the disease----so that you will know what to expect---or not to expect. There is a lot to know. You won;t be able to change him---change has to come from the inside of him. But, knowledge can make life easier tor you.
./
dandylion is offline  
Old 08-22-2020, 07:33 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Thanks all. This is my first experience with this so sorry if I sound like a blabbering idiot.

dandy if you have any good resources to learn more about recovery I’m all for reading.

He was supposed to have the kids today and his alcohol monitoring has issues activating. He tried convincing and pulling all strings to let the kids go with his parents and not him without the alcohol monitoring. I said no because dude needs to follow the rules and BOUNDARIES. Me giving him the kids for a weekend with no alcohol monitoring sounds like a precedent I don’t want to set. Hope that is ok.

Im not intentionally trying to make his post rehab life hard but I feel like my patience was low. It’s like you’ve been gone for 6 weeks and come out and we are immediately back with the excuses and rule manipulation. So I maybe wasn’t the nicest.
batchel9 is offline  
Old 08-22-2020, 09:13 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hey batchel, Mike put together some links for our classic information about recovery. I've put the link to that sticky below. It has a lot of great information and is a good place to start.

About Recovery

Seren is offline  
Old 08-22-2020, 10:32 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Thumbs up

Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
... I understand recovery to be fully comprehending your drinking and the impact it has had, as well as processing those feelings and working to repair relationships. So to walk out and act like nothing happened to me??? Maybe he is apologizing to his parents or his gf or friends but he still seems very much in denial about me and our 13 year marriage and kids and constant court drama.

Am I missing something???!!!
Hi and yes. I believe you're missing a lot. Maybe that's because your resentment is blinding right now...

Just because YOU'RE aware of all of these things doesn't mean he is or that's he's supposed to be on your timeline. It'll come to him when it comes to him. And maybe it already has, but you can't walk around with a boulder on your shoulder because he isn't saying and acting like you THINK HE SHOULD BE. That's not cool or fair. Life's not fair. He treated you unfairly. What can you do? Nothing. Get on with your life and treat yourself the way you'd like to be treated. Treat others the way you'd like to be treated and accept that the rest is out of your hands. You can't control other people. No one can.

You don't have to walk around feeling bitter. Doing that only makes you unhappy. I know how hard it is to give up the idea of trying to change another person to fit my image of him/her. Being angry at someone for not being what you want them to be is futile. All those words and feeling you wrote that you think he should have said and felt - those came from YOU. Not him.
LumenandNyx is offline  
Old 08-22-2020, 12:29 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
batchel------I am glad to hear that you are interested in learning more. Not only for you, but the fact that you have young children---and, the more you know, the better prepared you will be to protect them from the "family disease" of alcoholism. As you probably already know---alcoholism and the destructive effects are passed down through generations. This ia a golden opportunity to stop the cycle with your own children.
My first suggestions are for Your own recovery and development---
I went back and scanned your previous threads, and I noted that your father was an alcoholic. Even though your mother divorced him---it has many effects on the children. I highly suggest that you get and read the materials of the group---"Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families". I think it will resonate with you very much. You can get their "big book" and other related books on amazon.com.
simply go to the book section of amazon and type in "Adult Children of Alcoholics" I sincerely think that you owe this much to yourself.

the other thing that I would like to say to you is this-------
Whenever I hear about an alcoholic that has tried to quit many times, but has relapsed many times, like your husband has----the question of Dual Diagnosis comes to my mind----at least, as a red flag that deserves consideration. It is often said that about one fourth to one third of alcoholics have another--or, more mental or psychological condition----in Addition to the alcoholsim. In fact, many times the alcoholic may be medicating an undiagnosed or treated mental health condition. This is important, becaise, if ALL of the conditions are not recognized and treated---it is unlikely that long term sobriety will be achieved.
I suggest that you google "Dual Diagnosis in alcoholism" and/or "Co-occuring diagnoses with alcoholism". You will find many articles on the internet. You can find many videos on You Tube on the same subject. If your ex should relapse again and go to another rehab---I suggest that a rehab that specializes in dual-diagnosis ONLY, would be the best choice.
Now---understand that I am not suggesting that you be in charge of his treatment. You can't be. However, if you are ever asked---you will be knowledgeable. Also, this knowledge can be liberating to you, by helping you cut through your (understandable) resentment. In addition, anything that benefits him will benefit your children, in the long run.

You asked about books to read-----If you haveb't already read "Co-dependent No More", I think you would benefit from it. It is the most recommended book on this forum/
If you are interested in how the alcoholic mind works-----I suggest that you consider "The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kuhar. You can get it on amazon.com.

Seren gave you a link to our stickies section---above the regular threads. The section that I think you will benefit greatly from is the "Classic Reading" section. There are more than l00 articles!!
Enough for you to read one every single day. Written by people who have walked in your same shoes. ***I notice that Classic Reading section has been recommended to you in a previous thread. It is a great daily reading resource.

batchel----you have been given a lot of learning material---LOL. That is o.k. Knowledge is power.
dandylion is offline  
Old 08-22-2020, 12:46 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
NONIA's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 139
You are not an idiot !
Read the big book and the small book .
I have been in rehab many times .
NONIA is offline  
Old 08-22-2020, 01:24 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
You don't sound like an idiot at all batchel.

I think you made the right call on the visitation. You're right, you need to proceed as you are going to proceed from now on. No excuses for not adhering to his monitoring, as you have no doubt read here time and again, that's an old excuse. Now he may be absolutely telling it to you like it is, but there is history here and no reason for you to believe anything unless you have proof. Action, not words.

Hang in there! You are doing fine.


trailmix is offline  
Old 08-23-2020, 01:20 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I gave my now ex an ultimatum after 14 years together and multiple failed attempts at quitting on his own. The only reason the ultimatum worked was because he had gotten to the point himself that he felt he could no longer continue like that. He just needed a final kick in the butt to do seething about it. I gave him an ultimatum because I hit rock bottom and I was truly ready to actually leave him. That was the first time I had ever gotten to that point and I was ready to follow through on my threat.

Hé had mandatory inpatient rehab for 3 months (because of his job). Initially it was a month and we were shocked he had to go to rehab but he needed every minute of it, not to quit drinking per se because that is only a small part of addiction. He needed at least 6 weeks of intense inpatient rehab to realize his manipulative ways and what his add Igor had done to me and his family. It was really hard on us and it made things a lot worse between us. Probably also because I started counseling and learned to deal with my codependency issues and also learned about alcoholism.

We did end up getting divorced 2 years after rehab because for me irreversible damage had been done to our relationship. He is still clean 4 years later, he has had ( and still has to some degree I think) close monitoring because of his job. He isn’t a bad person but he was no longer someone I could be married to. Plus there is always the chance of relapse even many years later and I really didn’t want to deal with that. Had our relationship not been so damaged I probably could have. But it was just too far gone.

Your ex doesn’t sound like hé went to rehab out of his own free will and doesn’t sound like he is ready to quit for himself. So chances are very good he will relapse before too long. Recovery is hard and the addict has to really want it to have a chance at being successful. 6 weeks in rehab is nothing, it is only the tip of the iceberg. It is a start but they have to continue to do lots of meeting and counseling etc. It is a very selfish process that is 100% on the add it. No one can help with this. It takes at least a year to get a good idea if it will stick and to see if the person has changed. Because if they don’t change (their coping skills mainly) they won’t stay clean. My ex quit for 13 months but was a dry drink and it was just as miserable as when he drank. You can have the best and most expensive rehab but it won’t do any good if the addict doesn’t want recovery. When my ex was in rehab after a month they got more privileges including leaving the campus for a couple of hours on the weekend. Some of the people celebrated that by goi g to a bar....

I am a medical provider and I can tell you that I knew very little about addiction and alcoholism until 4 years ago. We basically tell people they need to stop drinking and go to AA or rehab. Unless you have lived it or have actually had special training in addiction most people really don’t understand addiction. It was a huge learning curve but it actually has helped me be a better provider considering the number of addicts I deal with. I can’t always talk them into recovery but at least I can counsel them on addiction much better now. So I guess that’s a positive thing that came out of that (as well as really working on my codependency issues and therefore improving myself as well)

if you can find Pleasure Unwoven it is a really good documentary on alcoholism that they showed us in rehab during family week (btw did you have that option during rehab?). It explains it really well. I would also consider counseling for you and for the kids with someone who knows addictions. Kids should also know what is going on (if they don’t already) because they will make up their own reality otherwise which is often scarier than the actual truth. My kid was 6 when my ex went to rehab (and no one knew he was an alcoholic, we covered it up well). Shortly before turning 7 she went to the Betty Ford program for kids and it was really good. She met other kids who had alcoholic parents and learned all about addiction in a kid friendly way. We don’t talk about it so much anymore but I made sure to talk about things a lot when we were in the thick of it and to be honest at an age appropriate level. I know those programs are only available in CO, TX and CA I think but if you are anywhere near them I highly recommend it if your kids are between 7-12 (they have to be able to read and write so really first grade, my kid was at the end of 1st grade but was still 6 so could go).

and don’t give into your boundaries, you do it once he will take advantage again. Up to him to make sure everything is in place for the monitoring and if not he won’t see his kids.

good luck with everything!

Sleepyhollo is offline  
Old 08-25-2020, 07:44 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
ladyscribbler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Hello b,

I had a similar situation with my custody case. AX's lawyer talked him into doing a substance abuse evaluation at the last minute b/c he could see the judge was going to order something no matter what. Ex reeeeaaaaallllyyyy didn't want to do it. Everyone in the courtroom heard him through the wall, screaming and yelling at his attorney in the conference room.

AX did an intensive outpatient treatment, got a neat little printed certificate and promptly returned to drinking. He did it to appease the court, not because he wanted to be a sober dad for our son. This was all a few years ago, but I remember how discouraging that realization was for me. You absolutely did the right thing in enforcing the sobriety requirements in your court order. Never doubt it. Much love to you and your family.
ladyscribbler is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:15 AM.