Backtogood

Who wakes up at 5am and takes a shot of vodka? When/how did I get here? I never drank in the morning a year ago...then my restaurant closed...then covoid...and here I am. I've been reading, some posting, on here for a couple months and all of your stories are very inspiring to me. I'm 41, been drinking for 20 years straight, with the exception of when i was pregnant with, my now 9 year old son. My husband is my drinking partner, but he still believes he can "cut down"....the lies we tell ourselves! I'm ready to quit, I'm drinking an average of a half a fifth of vodka a day. I rarely feel drunk at all, but still usually don't remember going to bed. So I want to use this forum as a journal, I want to look back and remember where I started and how I felt and why I don't want to go back...

Sober45

Welcome aboard! Looks like we have a few things in common. I think starting out with a journal is a great idea...that’s how I got started and here I am now 7 months sober. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. If there’s one tip I could give that would be to incorporate daily gratitude as part of your plan for staying sober.

You sound like your ready....you got this!

Backtogood

Thank you! I talked to my doc today and she's aware and helpful in helping me become a better person, wife, mother...ect. It was hard to say it all out loud and just lay it out there...emotional! But I can't wait to be 7 months like you! Haven't been more then 20 days in 9 years...

Misssy2

Welcome...yea drinking at 5am is terrible....so is waking at 2am, 3am....then finally giving into the shot at 5am so you can go back to sleep...really scary sh*t......we know how you feel....I know that "I" know how you feel and hope this works for you.

LumenandNyx

Hi,

I'm just going to put this out there ...

I gave up custody of both of my sons when they were young because my drinking had gotten out of hand. Define "Out of hand?" I hadn't started drinking at 5:00 A.M. then, yet I still knew that I had become an acute alcoholic. For the record they're both adults now.
Sending them to live with their respective Dad's was one of the hardest and most selfless things I've ever done - ever. Sometimes I still can't believe I did it, Somehow - though I was utterly saturated with alcohol - I knew that my kids didn't need to be raised by a drunk mother. As much as I loved them, I was also a danger to them. And I wasn't ready to quit drinking at that point. Alcohol had become my everything.

What I'm getting at is: I hope your son is safe. Are there any other adults in your home? Are they sober? You said that your husband is your drinking buddy and that you usually drink a half a fifth a day. You said you don't usually remember going to bed.

What else aren't you remembering...

Backtogood

I'm glad I'm not alone in this craziness!

Backtogood

i totally get what your saying and i think about it all the time, with that said, i / or my husband really don't tie one on till after he's sleeping. I won't deny that my son has seen more then he should at his age are one point in time. He is also in swimming, cub scouts, after school programs, karate, and art classes. (Now it's
online and i feel rather silly, but interaction is good)
I completely feel you did the right thing and that's a really hard thing to do, very selfless. My son, is in no danger and i am seeking help, that's why I'm here.

Backtogood

Woke up at 5am, argh. Immediately thought of sneaking a shot in before my husband wakes up. When did I ever start thinking that?! Anyway, I knew yesterday when i poured that shot, and then threw it out, i am ready. My mom is in the hospital for knee replacement, and I have to go pick her up in a bit, plus she's coming to my house to recover. It will be nice to have something to focus my thoughts on and keep busy taking care of her the next few days. I feel scared, but mainly excited to get my health back and be more present. Physically, i feel kinda sweaty and a bit nauseas. But here I go, day 1.

Gabe1980

Welcome to SR....you will find a ton of us who can relate.

You can do it, just stay close and keep writing about how you are feeling.

Gabe1980

Hope all goes well with your mum too.....my mum just got a knee replacement before Covid and she is honestly like a new woman.

Backtogood

thanks!

Anna

Good job on getting through Day 1. It sounds like you're doing pretty well so far, so I hope things continue to go well.

Sober45

Trust me, Backtogood. If you can stack up some days it absolutely does get easier over time. You're in the thick of it right now and will be for a little while. With time comes CLARITY. Personally, I'm feeling like a different person these days...reborn in a way (i'm 7 months sober)

I drank in the morning as well (on weekends)....7am was my time. I always had a few hours before my husband and daughter woke up to get buzzed out of my mind. Wine in a mug was my thing. Now I just look back and feel terrified that I was ever that way. And then I reflect on where I am now, and feel a deep sense of gratitude. How could I not see then what I see now?! It's a bit frustrating because I didn't stop until just before my daughters 18th birthday and I'll have to carry that with me for the rest of my life.

You have to KNOW and TRUST that better days lie ahead, because they do.

Another thing that really helped me was having replacements. I drank lots of sugary drinks especially during my drinking time.

Maybe take some time at days end to reflect and express gratitude for your first sober day. It is certainly something to celebrate.

Backtogood

i failed. I tried and i felt so strong, but. (Excuses) i drove my mom all over Oregon and brought her oxy high body home after her knee surgery. Then I talk with my husband about today was finally the day i was done....as he poured cocktails for himself. After a couple of hours, I finally said, F it, and he says i knew you wouldn't make it. Try again 2marrow.

Dee74

Hi backtogood

I had to put a lot of effort into not drinking - sometimes I spent hours on here, getting ideas, asking for help, helping other people - anything until i was sure that desire to drink had left me.

It sounds like you have a few challenges - husband drinks, taking care of your mom and your son, COVID - but, with support, you can absolutely do and deal all those things sober.

You have to reach out and let us help before you drink, tho

D

Backtogood

Had to get up and give mom her meds and now wide awake, of course. I do enjoy this time of quietness, in the middle of the night...with covid it's really my only my alone time. Although, since my trigger time seems to be around 6 to 7pm, I think a nightly solo walk would help me all around. I feel horrible that I drank last night. I didn't even want to. But watching my hubby have drink and eventually get a buzz...well, my AV got me. I'm all about actions not talk and I think that is what bothers me. Usually when I decide something in my head, I can usually just do it. Baby steps, I guess, can't go back. Plus, I had found out a former co-worker, not a close friend, but a nice guy...passed away a couple days ago from, well basically drank himself to death. (He was so young, 30ish) He knew it, docs told him if he didn't stop...I don't want that life. Okay, focus on the future. Reach out for help and quit making excuses. To a sober 2marrow

Backtogood

thank you, she actually had the knee surgery last week, but fell over a curb (right as she was feeling better) and busted EVERYTHING open, so she's back in my guest room recovering, almost worse this time! Hopefully, like your mom, she'll be a new woman soon.

Sober45

You’re coming back and admitting you failed and continuing to work on a plan so That is progress right there. It took a long time for me to get my head in the right place. It will come. I think a walk during your witching hour is a good idea. Remember that drinking is a hand to mouth habit. I had to replace that too and also sugar that was in the wine. As simple as it may seem, those things made all the difference.
This is going to be your own recipe so keep working on it!

MaximusD

How is it going backtogood? I have a lot of threads to go through still so if I missed something sorry. Will this be your journal still?

Backtogood

Yes, but don't try and quit drinking when your taking care of your mother after surgery. I'm failing and need to regroup. I am working on a recovery plan and a schedule to keep me more occupied during the times I usually drink. So I'm not that off point, but it's really ******* hard when there's 15 bottles of wine, a fridge full of beer and truly's and a freezer full of vodka and my husband still drinking like a fish. I guess that sounds like a bunch of excuses but...it's my reality and i have to figure out how to be stronger than that.