Struggling
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Struggling
I am writing a condensed version of a long post that I lost because the internet went out. How do family, specifically moms and dads get by everyday thinking that this could be the day my loved one, child-adult alcohol abuser, could hurt himself/others, loose job, etc. the catastrophic incident. I am doing most of the typical things like keeping busy, trying to abide by Alanon established measures, pray, exercise, etc. but it is always in the back of my head. Some insight and how other people hand this situation. Thanks ahead of time.
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Originally Posted by luvflowers 
I am writing a condensed version of a long post that I lost because the internet went out. How do family, specifically moms and dads get by everyday thinking that this could be the day my loved one, child-adult alcohol abuser, could hurt himself/others, loose job, etc. the catastrophic incident. I am doing most of the typical things like keeping busy, trying to abide by Alanon established measures, pray, exercise, etc. but it is always in the back of my head. Some insight and how other people hand this situation. Thanks ahead of time.
Time! What you are doig now is exactly what I did. I kept busy, keeping my focus on other things. I learned new hobbies. Absolutely anything at all to keep your mind occupied.
Yes, thoughts still creep in - shoo them right out . As time went on, I found myself able to put thoughts of my son into aittle box at the back of my mind.
This allowed me to function at work, amd enjoy things in life again.
Unfortunately, there's no quick fix but to give it time. Take each day as it comes.
You're worth it!
Much Love
Bute x
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Hey Luvflowers, I tend to think you all with addict kids are on a bit different of a level.
It does sound like you are doing all the right things so kudos for that and please accept my heartfelt if ineffective support in your difficult situation.
May all the angels of the universe dive bomb your family.
It does sound like you are doing all the right things so kudos for that and please accept my heartfelt if ineffective support in your difficult situation.
May all the angels of the universe dive bomb your family.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi luvflowers. It's tough but I think an important thing to keep in mind is that he is an adult. He will do what he will do and we need to respect people's choices, no matter what (yes, even if they are our children). I'm sure you have spoken to him many times, given good advice, offered help to no avail?
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. Once you really take that to heart and believe it and respect his choices, you will feel a lot freer.
Is there any particular reason you worry about his lifestyle? Is he a risk taker in general? Does he drink and drive for instance?
Regardless, distancing yourself from the idea that you have any control over him is key perhaps.
Also there is an article right now here on SR that you might find helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/recove...ace-not-ropes/
Have you read Melody Beattie's book? You might also find that helpful - Codependent no More. Not saying you are or aren't codependent by the way! I don't know that well, but it can be a really helpful book for life in general and particularly when you have an addict in your life.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. Once you really take that to heart and believe it and respect his choices, you will feel a lot freer.
Is there any particular reason you worry about his lifestyle? Is he a risk taker in general? Does he drink and drive for instance?
Regardless, distancing yourself from the idea that you have any control over him is key perhaps.
Also there is an article right now here on SR that you might find helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/recove...ace-not-ropes/
Have you read Melody Beattie's book? You might also find that helpful - Codependent no More. Not saying you are or aren't codependent by the way! I don't know that well, but it can be a really helpful book for life in general and particularly when you have an addict in your life.
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Join Date: Apr 2020
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Thank you for taking time to answe my question.☺️ In general he is not a risk taker but his wife has been known to hide alcohol in order to stop him from drinking. While I understand why she does it, but she doesn’t get his disease. If he wants it bad enough he will go get more and has tried I believe while drinking and that’s a whole other story. So in that case being risky under the influence...not so sure. I also stated that book you mentioned but did not finish. I will try again to read it. I will also read the artle you sent a link to. Thank you so much again.☺️
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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Hi luvflowers
when I was suffering catastrophic thinking and imagining my addict husband in worst-case-scenarios I trained myself to visualise him sitting by the fire in his slippers reading a good book and drinking a cup of tea. It really helped me to calm my mind and often led me to have a nice cup of tea myself.
The worst may or may not happen. hopefully your son will also experience good times.
when I was suffering catastrophic thinking and imagining my addict husband in worst-case-scenarios I trained myself to visualise him sitting by the fire in his slippers reading a good book and drinking a cup of tea. It really helped me to calm my mind and often led me to have a nice cup of tea myself.
The worst may or may not happen. hopefully your son will also experience good times.
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Hi there,
My Dad had to go through what you're going through. I'm his oldest kid and my alcoholism got about as bad as it could get without killing me.
He kept strict boundaries for himself in place where I was concerned. He turned off his phone each night at 7:00, he wouldn't engage me at all if he thought I was drunk, he'd offer words of sobriety support and then promptly end our conversation - things of that nature. He learned that he had to take care of himself and so he did just that. He also knew that I was and am an adult and that - just like everything else in life - I had to be left to my own devices, to an extent, to figure it out, which I eventually did.
If he had had a coddling demeanor toward me, I don't think I would have survived. I had to learn to fight for my own life. This meant that at any time, he had to be prepared to lose me. So he did and he was.
My Dad had to go through what you're going through. I'm his oldest kid and my alcoholism got about as bad as it could get without killing me.
He kept strict boundaries for himself in place where I was concerned. He turned off his phone each night at 7:00, he wouldn't engage me at all if he thought I was drunk, he'd offer words of sobriety support and then promptly end our conversation - things of that nature. He learned that he had to take care of himself and so he did just that. He also knew that I was and am an adult and that - just like everything else in life - I had to be left to my own devices, to an extent, to figure it out, which I eventually did.
If he had had a coddling demeanor toward me, I don't think I would have survived. I had to learn to fight for my own life. This meant that at any time, he had to be prepared to lose me. So he did and he was.
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To you whoever or wherever you are I am so very grateful for your perspective from the affected son’s side. Thank you so much. You have no idea. I am trying to be like your dad. Anyway, peace be with you now and always even in the good or bad times.
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