pizza67

Well, things have been pretty unpleasant in our house. Although he “stopped” drinking a couple months ago, he has a lot of anger and resentment, and won’t admit there was/is a problem. Everything is our fault. The other day, he wanted to donate something that belongs to our (estranged from him but living here) kid. We both knew it was special to kid, and he’s fought w kid before about it, so I said ask kid first. Next thing I know he has given it away without asking. I confront him and he says “oh well.” Whole house blows up, I say, “that was out of spite,” and he says there’s “no redemption” in our eyes and I “hate him” because I see “the worst motives only in him”. Now I get Silent treatment, threats to block texts...My goodness, how can we not have forgiven him if he brought the item back??!

Seren

Hi Pizza,

I'm sorry you've had a bad time lately. He may be abstaining, but it certainly doesn't sound like he's in recovery. Is this how you want to continue living?

pizza67

Not at all. But I don’t feel like we can make moves during this increasingly active corona situation. In any case, I can’t think of any OTHER motive for what he did, can you?

LumenandNyx

I can. I can think of a big motive for what he did. He's still nuts. Have you ever heard of how dying of thirst can make a person go insane? If you haven't heard that - google it. People get so thirsty that right before they die - they loose their marbles. Well, something similar happens to alcoholics (I believe) when we want alcohol and can't have any. It's like we're wearing blinders and the only thing that matters to us is what we happen to be thinking or feeling in each moment. And these situations are outlined and influenced by our not having what we want more than anything else on the planet - alcohol.

It looks to me like your husband really needs a place to call his own where he can decide, in a space that doesn't infect your family, how he wants to move forward in his sobriety.

What Seren wrote is true. My position is that sobriety doesn't equate to recovery. Stopping drinking is hard. Seeing and then Accepting reality is a whole other ballgame.

trailmix

"In order for the addiction to continue it requires an increasingly idiosyncratic private reality subject to the needs of the addictive process and indifferent or even actively hostile to the healthy needs of the addict and those around him. This encroachment of the fundamentally autistic, even insane private reality of the addict upon the reality of his family and close associates inevitably causes friction and churn as natural corrective feedback mechanisms come into usually futile play in an effort to restore the addict's increasingly deviant reality towards normal. Questions, discussions, presentations of facts, confrontations, pleas, threats, ultimatums and arguments are characteristic of this process, which in more fortunate and less severe cases of addiction may sometimes actually succeed in its aim of arresting the addiction. But in the more serious or advanced cases all such human counter-attacks upon the addiction, even, indeed especially when they come from those closest and dearest to the addict, fall upon deaf ears and a hardened heart. The addict's obsession-driven, monomaniacal private reality prevents him from being able to hear and assimilate anything that would if acknowledged pose a threat to the continuance of his addiction.

At this stage of addiction the addict is in fact functionally insane. It is usually quite impossible, even sometimes harmful to attempt to talk him out of his delusions regarding his addiction. This situation is similar to that encountered in other psychotic illnesses, schizophrenia for example, in which the individual is convinced of the truth of things that are manifestly untrue to everyone else".

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html

pizza67

Well, everyone says he did it because he’s crazy. Including some people I spoke to here. Maybe he is—but it just looks like he is mad at her for freezing him out and as a result tried to hurt her. Is that crazy? I think it’s narcissistic rage. Maybe that IS crazy...? He expects me to have seen him in a positive light —after all, he was going to donate something to someone. But...you didn’t ask our kid first, even after I reminded you...and it wasn’t yours to give...so it sure as sh-t looks like spite to me...

trailmix

You can call it insanity, you can call it spite, does it matter what his motivation is?

It's not surprising at all is it? I mean nothing changes if nothing changes and nothing has changed.

SparkleKitty

You will not be able to reason or guilt him into better behavior, and you will continue to twist yourself into knots hoping for him to magically morph into a rational, thoughtful person. Your energy is better spent helping your kids understand that dad’s issues have nothing to do with them, no matter what it feels like.

Hawkeye13

If this kind of behavior hurts you, imagine how your kids are hurting. Can you arrange extra support or counseling, or Alateen online meetings for them?

I internalized so so much of the senseless aggression of my alcoholic mother as”my fault “ that has tainted my entire adult life.

Covid or not, this situation will keep eroding if he is just “not drinking” instead of in recovery.
Looks like he is headed to an excuse for relapse to me. Crazy like a fox, perhaps?

Seren

Not crazy, necessarily, but immature and vindictive--not the words and actions of a reasoned and mature adult. It's something a teenager would do when they still haven't learned to control their emotions or start to think of others instead of just themselves. Active alcoholism is very self-seeking, ime. And it sounds like his alcoholism is still very active because he's done nothing to help change that. Unfortunately, he won't unless and until he decides to do so.

BlownOne

A dry drunk isn't much better than an active alcoholic. And that sounds exactly like what you've got at the moment. Not drinking is not the same thing as recovery. Not even close. And unless he chooses to actually get better and do the work required to get better this is probably going to be what you're left with. Even if he does embrace recovery he has a very long and difficult road ahead to travel. It is literally a life long commitment to working every single day at recovery. Think you deserve better than what you've been getting. Peace to you.

pizza67

Still going! Included someone’s birthday too. Narcissists love to ruin birthdays. (He’s doubly blessed, dry drunk and narc). Except it didn’t work because we didn’t care. I kinda don’t care overall, other than the fact that he will do something dramatic if I keep “grey rocking” him, and I don’t look forward to that BS. Don’t feel right about telling someone to go during a pandemic, but I spend a lot of time dreaming and thinking about what my future could look like. I’d like to be one of your “success stories.”

Bekindalways

Ugh. The silent treatment might be a positive given the situation. What does "something dramatic" look like?

I hope you are doing what you can for your own care and recovery.

Courage and strength to you.