Flavia2

hello all I'm sad and need to build a whole new life. Turns out that the drinking stopped but he started cheating (jilted gf #1 called me and I discovered gf #2 at that point). Don't get me wrong - I'm sure there were more that 2, it is just 2 that I know of The women were just both absolutely (obsessed/manic/desperate?) to continue a relationship with him which really just devastated me as he was pretending that he loved me.

To to be discarded and cheated on after all the other messes we've been through - I'm still in grief stage.

Where do I start to build self esteem.

LumenandNyx

I have a question.

If the story you just shared belonged to a really good friend of yours and she told it to you - what would you say?

If you can psychologically step away from the madness and pain that you're experiencing right now - which part of you is really hurt by this man?

dandylion

Flavia----it is said that in order to build self esteem, one does so by doing esteemable actions and having esteem building experiences. ll

No doubt, you will need to process your way through the grieving . Grief, which is the first step toward eventually healing, will take it's own time.

Consider this-----he probably told the other girlfriends that he loved them, also---and, naturally, they believed him, also. They may well have considered you to be "obsessed/manic/desperate". He may well have told them things about you to enforce that opinion of you.
If the Man had not done you wrong----those women wouldn't have even been in the picture.

In this, which, surely, must feel like a dark, hard time for you----is a wonderful opportunity to build a much, much better future for yourself. You have had to close that door in order to be able to open another.

Flavia2

better off without him , tbh

Seren

Oh, Flavia! I'm sorry for the pain you feel

My ex-husband cheated on me and filed for divorce. I get it. And I get the pain you feel.

Really, time is your friend. I know it sounds cliche, but every day, the pain lessens just a little bit. I found distracting myself with TV,cleaning, reading, anything to not think about it. Then I got to the point where I would call friends and ask them about *their* day as a way to keep in touch with them and stop dwelling on my pain.

Be very kind and gentle with yourself for a bit. Hang out here with us for a while!

Amaranth

Where do I start to build self esteem?

Sport!!! Getting out of your head and into your body feels wonderful!!
I started slowly with walking then swimming. Then a bit of tennis and now I'm doing kick boxing. Getting your blood pumping and your heart racing feels great. Added bonus of losing weight/toning up helps you feel fit and a little more attractive. Meeting other people/new people changes the story in your head. Joining a class gives you a routine and something to look forward to.

Some days I have to force myself to go for a walk or a swim but I am always glad I did it. Feel so much better afterwards.

trailmix

Absolutely you are Flavia, but I know it hurts anyway.

I agree with Amaranth, when I was going through this grief walking was really my friend. I didn't listen to music or anything when I walked, just looked around at people at trees at yard decorations and being part of the bigger world. This is optional of course! If listening to music or an ebook calms your mind, that's great too.

There is something about walking that helps, you will feel better when you return from your walks. Really, I mean you have to go through the pain, it takes time, as is so often said here, so all you can do it mitigate that pain and work through it, walking will help clear your mind.

As for him, what a jerk, you are well and truly better off without him. You now know who he is, which is not a great person, not even a good person! He lies and cheats and lies some more. You can never trust him, even if he came back on bended knee, it's probably all just an act for him while he seeks what he needs, which is apparently a lot of attention.

Keep posting, I know it can be hard to remain no contact right now, but it will get easier as you sort through this.

Flavia2

Thank you all for the suggestions and advice. This morning was a beautiful morning and them I worked all day trail - I actually laughed out loud when I read your post about him seeking a lot of attention. Really funny and true I suppose!

no more excuses, I've got to start walking again.

Bekindalways

Even just a teeny 10 min walk . . . just something.

healthyagain

My suggestion is starting with the words, "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them." The person you are writing about, well, it looks like he has shown quite a lot. Perhaps, you could think of this as an opportunity to rediscover yourself, to rebuild yourself. Lots of self-love and self-care, reconnecting with people, doing something new, going places you have never been to (does not have to mean long-distance travelling). Nature is a great place to explore, to unwind yourself. Sunshine is an anti-depressant. I used to find, and still do, great comfort in my pets for example. Technically speaking, we are also a bit addicted to our "Qualifiers," if that is the correct term. All that toxicity has to be purged, and it takes time.

splendra

I hope that you will be as nice to yourself as you would be to your very best friend who had been where you are now. Take the advise you would give to them. Be gentle with yourself above all else.. Yes it hurts I know.

LifeRecovery

Flavia-

It was my husband's affair that finally got me dealing with the elephant in the room, alcohol.

I don't know if alcohol and affairs are related.....except in one way.

My response to both. In both instances I walked around on eggshells trying to make it "okay" so he would not want to drink or have an affair.

What I learned from this was two things.
1. The affairs and the alcohol use was not about me or directed at me.
2. The affairs and the alcohol were not my work to do.....but the feeling that it was my work and effort to fix it was my work to do

Finally for me self care was linked with self esteem and once I realized that self care is NEVER selfish and that I needed to keep directing my energy back to me, myself and I things worked more smoothly and a little better.

Flavia2

I just want to say thank you so much to everyone. you are right - not my fault, not my issue, not my work to do. I wrote out a plan for self care which at this point is pretty basic.

i appreciate all of the support

NYCDoglvr

In early recovery someone told me: to get self-esteem you must take esteemable actions.

Since you can't unlearn what you now know, is there any point to staying?

velma929

At the risk of being ostracized...kinda...I cheated on my AH. Certainly, not my finest hour. But I loved him until the day he died. Yes, one can do that. If you haven't been there, don't tell me one can't.

No doubt about it, I should have called it quits rather than what I did, thought about leaving a couple years before, and a couple years after. My moral failing was mine and mine alone. I was terribly, terribly unhappy. I was trying random stuff trying to BE happy.

I'm not saying don't leave him. I saying depressed people to stupid things. I made every effort to make sure my AH didn't know, because I didn't want to hurt him. If he knew, he never said anything.

luvflowers

I also had been cheated on many years ago. Time is a valuable tool and patience. Exercise, by all means, kept my sanity many times. One thing I try to take from bad experiences are lessons learned. I, after the storm and saw the light, I tried not to make the same mistakes again. Just an opinion.

Flavia2

@velma I know that people cheat for many reasons. I'm just at the point where I'm out. It happened more than once and there was a lot of put-downs, trying to make me believe that I'm crazy and gas lighting. Even some jeering at me, making fun of me for being suspicious.

I think these were relationships (the way both women acted was like it must have been a relationship)

Basically, I was stupid enough after the first time I suspected to be convinced that it wasn't happening. And then he does it again and eventually admitted both. So I know for sure I am making the right decision.

this is isn't very articulate, I know. He even used a prescription medication to make things more fun for them

ladyscribbler

Basic is a really great place to start. So is seeking support. I had a lot of rebuilding to do on my self-esteem as well. I did some things that were really hard for me- seeking outside support, talking about my issues, and not dating again until I had done a lot of fixing my picker. Like someone said, I had to get to know myself. Then I was able to accept and even like myself.

I read a lot here, went to Al Anon, worked the steps, even took on a service position. I learned about boundaries and got much better at enforcing them. All those things helped build my confidence.

Sorry you're experiencing this, but I know that my heartbreak was the push I needed to start my own recovery.