Asked for divorce-struggling
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Asked for divorce-struggling
Three weeks ago I asked for a divorce. Papers are being prepared, AH is buying a house and moving on. So why am I so terrified right now and want him back? Married 28 years, with about 19 of those spent dealing with an active alcoholic. Very functioning but still.....
We don't go out, we don't have sex, not affectionate at all. So why am I freaking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remind me why I did this again...
We don't go out, we don't have sex, not affectionate at all. So why am I freaking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remind me why I did this again...
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Because you wouldn't have asked to divorce if you were happy. This wasn't a snap decision made after one fight.
Perhaps what looks like him moving on is unsettling for you.
You will struggle for some time because thst is how grief and loss goes. I separated 4 months ago and i still second guess, and replay the last 20 years - the good and the bad.
Don't be hard on yourself.
Have you done any journaling?
Perhaps what looks like him moving on is unsettling for you.
You will struggle for some time because thst is how grief and loss goes. I separated 4 months ago and i still second guess, and replay the last 20 years - the good and the bad.
Don't be hard on yourself.
Have you done any journaling?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hi needhelp and Welcome! I'm just so sorry for the pain you've been going through and that it has come to divorce. My first marriage ended in divorce, and I experienced the exact same feelings. I remember that panicky feeling very well, and I think that it's pretty common, but it doesn't necessarily mean that the divorce is a bad thing. It's hard to let go of what we know and all the dreams we used to have. And what you're feeling is, imo, a natural part of the grieving process. I cried buckets and buckets.
What helped me was to distract myself as I worked through my early grief so that I wouldn't spend all my time dwelling on it. I would watch TV or call a friend or ask someone all about 'their' day so that I would always be obsessing about mine.
And please know you are welcome to post here and talk to us any time at all! We understand!
What helped me was to distract myself as I worked through my early grief so that I wouldn't spend all my time dwelling on it. I would watch TV or call a friend or ask someone all about 'their' day so that I would always be obsessing about mine.
And please know you are welcome to post here and talk to us any time at all! We understand!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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You asked for a divorce because you weren't happy.
Divorce (or the end of any significant relationship) is a lot like a death. Of course you're sad things didn't work out. You had plans, you had dreams, you may have talked about "When we retire...When the kids are out of the house..." and now those things aren't going to happen. You may still love your husband; when I contemplated divorce, I still loved mine. The toll it was taking on my health wasn't something I was willing to deal with, any more.
Divorce (or the end of any significant relationship) is a lot like a death. Of course you're sad things didn't work out. You had plans, you had dreams, you may have talked about "When we retire...When the kids are out of the house..." and now those things aren't going to happen. You may still love your husband; when I contemplated divorce, I still loved mine. The toll it was taking on my health wasn't something I was willing to deal with, any more.
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I am so sorry you are experiencing the grief that comes from ending a long term marriage. I've been there. It was the worst time of my life...BUT, it was the best thing I could do for myself.
Living in his alcoholic chaos for a couple decades had done some serious damage to my own health. I was not living the life I wanted to live. I had been accepting unacceptable behaviour for so long it had become my normal. I raised my kids in that "normal". He and I both perpetuated the issues that were present in our own families of origin...until I decided enough was enough.
Change is hard, really, really hard. For some of us it is harder than it is for others. We often decide "the devil we know" is better than being alone or whatever else might "be out there". I was beyond terrified to leave my AXH. I'd never been on my own. I'd left my alcoholic dad/codependent mom's house, moved in with him at 19yrs old and straight away started setting myself up for the same kind of relationship as my parents. I spent so long believing he and I NEEDED each other to survive. What did I know about being on my own? How was I going to afford this? How was I going to deal with that? What if this, what if that??? On and on I worried myself into a dither. Guess what? Almost none of my fears came true. I did survive separation and divorce. It was the awful, but I survived, he survived, our kids survived. Life moved forward and I did manage to take care of myself just fine, I could afford housing, I could afford food, I could do maintenance, I could buy a car, insure it and take care of it all by myself. AND I actually saved money despite having less household income than I'd ever had in 2+ decades of being an adult. (That's can actually happen when a drunk isn't sucking up all your resources.)
I know how scary this is. I know how painful it is. It brings tears to my eyes and anxiety into my chest just remembering it while I write this to you. But I do want you to know that you will be OK. It takes time. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day, one hour, one minute at a time if that's what it takes. Try not to worry about all the "what ifs". Most of them wont ever even happen and you will have wasted way too much time, energy and headspace in that worry. Take lots of deep breath. LOTS. "Deal with what IS, not with what IF". Doing elsewise will cause great anxiety.
As awful as things feel right now, you made a choice that is going to prevent you from feeling awful for the rest of your life. You did the right thing. Now you can start to heal. You weren't ever going to be able to heal if you stayed in a situation that kept breaking you.
There is great support here, I hope you stick around and talk this through with us.
Beaming strength, clarity and many hugs your way!
Living in his alcoholic chaos for a couple decades had done some serious damage to my own health. I was not living the life I wanted to live. I had been accepting unacceptable behaviour for so long it had become my normal. I raised my kids in that "normal". He and I both perpetuated the issues that were present in our own families of origin...until I decided enough was enough.
Change is hard, really, really hard. For some of us it is harder than it is for others. We often decide "the devil we know" is better than being alone or whatever else might "be out there". I was beyond terrified to leave my AXH. I'd never been on my own. I'd left my alcoholic dad/codependent mom's house, moved in with him at 19yrs old and straight away started setting myself up for the same kind of relationship as my parents. I spent so long believing he and I NEEDED each other to survive. What did I know about being on my own? How was I going to afford this? How was I going to deal with that? What if this, what if that??? On and on I worried myself into a dither. Guess what? Almost none of my fears came true. I did survive separation and divorce. It was the awful, but I survived, he survived, our kids survived. Life moved forward and I did manage to take care of myself just fine, I could afford housing, I could afford food, I could do maintenance, I could buy a car, insure it and take care of it all by myself. AND I actually saved money despite having less household income than I'd ever had in 2+ decades of being an adult. (That's can actually happen when a drunk isn't sucking up all your resources.)
I know how scary this is. I know how painful it is. It brings tears to my eyes and anxiety into my chest just remembering it while I write this to you. But I do want you to know that you will be OK. It takes time. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day, one hour, one minute at a time if that's what it takes. Try not to worry about all the "what ifs". Most of them wont ever even happen and you will have wasted way too much time, energy and headspace in that worry. Take lots of deep breath. LOTS. "Deal with what IS, not with what IF". Doing elsewise will cause great anxiety.
As awful as things feel right now, you made a choice that is going to prevent you from feeling awful for the rest of your life. You did the right thing. Now you can start to heal. You weren't ever going to be able to heal if you stayed in a situation that kept breaking you.
There is great support here, I hope you stick around and talk this through with us.
Beaming strength, clarity and many hugs your way!
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Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 39
This is my daily struggle, and has been for three years. We're still together and she doesn't know my intentions, but knows full well my concern with her drinking. I've checked my diary and we've had 'the chat' 11 times in four years, with three ultimatums given and ignored and with a horribly familiar cycle of promises broken in the same 2-3 month cycle every single time, with her reverting very quickly to drinking between 80-110 units weekly, at least six nights a week, mostly heavily, and passing out 3-4 times a week (so basically, every other night). But then she has a day where she only drinks lightly or on a rare occasion not at all, and I suddenly have doubts again. Even now, on a sunny Thursday afternoon where's she's passed out on me through drinking the last four evenings, and with her becoming night after night someone I hate beyond even my scope for articulation in mere words, I don't have the first idea how I'm ever going to take that kind of step.
I wish you every luck. What I've realised is I don't have to stop loving her, I just have to accept that she comes as a package, and that on balance the bad clearly outweighs the good. You're not being selfish in reaching that view, but I do respect how hard it is when you quite legitimately had dreams and aspirations to grow old with someone, and now you've decided to step away.
I wish you every luck. What I've realised is I don't have to stop loving her, I just have to accept that she comes as a package, and that on balance the bad clearly outweighs the good. You're not being selfish in reaching that view, but I do respect how hard it is when you quite legitimately had dreams and aspirations to grow old with someone, and now you've decided to step away.
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Originally Posted by needhelp1234 
Three weeks ago I asked for a divorce.
Remind me why I did this again...
Remind me why I did this again...
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
needhelp, I personally think this is completely normal. When I asked for a divorce (he was not an alcoholic) I had made that decision (I would never say it lightly or if I hadn't made the firm decision).
We had also been married for a long time. Within say, two hours, I was also having second thoughts, tired, panicking, what have I done! Very scared. I can't remember how long I was scared for but it was at the very least several days. Definitely having second thoughts.
However, on it proceeded, he moved out after a week or two to a new place and we sold the house and I moved etc etc
You know what, it was not the wrong decision.
You have been married a long time, why wouldn't you be scared? That said, you can temper that with the knowledge that you are moving on to a more stable, content and happy life for yourself. Yours was not a relationship, you had an alcoholic room mate, albeit one you know very well.
You have also spent a LONG time with someone who was, no doubt, the center of the household based on number of drinks, hangovers, moods etc. That is very time consuming and takes a lot of your time and attention, now that's gone you are a loose ends no doubt.
The key is to start to fill your life with things you like/love. To be around people that care about you, to go out in the world and enjoy your freedom.
The fear etc will pass, hang in there, it won't always be this way and you are going to be ok.
We had also been married for a long time. Within say, two hours, I was also having second thoughts, tired, panicking, what have I done! Very scared. I can't remember how long I was scared for but it was at the very least several days. Definitely having second thoughts.
However, on it proceeded, he moved out after a week or two to a new place and we sold the house and I moved etc etc
You know what, it was not the wrong decision.
You have been married a long time, why wouldn't you be scared? That said, you can temper that with the knowledge that you are moving on to a more stable, content and happy life for yourself. Yours was not a relationship, you had an alcoholic room mate, albeit one you know very well.
You have also spent a LONG time with someone who was, no doubt, the center of the household based on number of drinks, hangovers, moods etc. That is very time consuming and takes a lot of your time and attention, now that's gone you are a loose ends no doubt.
The key is to start to fill your life with things you like/love. To be around people that care about you, to go out in the world and enjoy your freedom.
The fear etc will pass, hang in there, it won't always be this way and you are going to be ok.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
You are doing it for yourself and your happiness, which you certainly deserve. Yes, these are scary times. Perhaps, you may think deep down that something may click all of the sudden, holding on the last ray of hope. The most difficult part of my divorce, if we forget the abuse that got me there in the first place, was that my ex did not seem to care. Today, 5 years later (August 28 is when I filed), I think that for him, it was only another way to break me, to punish me. And I was a wreck, torn between the desire to save myself (a rational thing to do) and somehow preserve that marriage (what was my heart telling me).
They told me on here to put my brain in charge, that my heart is vulnerable. They told me to make a list of all the bad things he did, to remind myself always. They also told me to breathe. I listened and am free and happy today. Stay strong. You got this.
They told me on here to put my brain in charge, that my heart is vulnerable. They told me to make a list of all the bad things he did, to remind myself always. They also told me to breathe. I listened and am free and happy today. Stay strong. You got this.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 26
It took me some time to think of myself as a single person - not sure what your circumstances are though.
I remember thinking that my adventure was long over due, and with all adventures, there is a certain amount of fear and trepidation. I would do it anyway and welcome what comes next.
The divorce diet helped with a wardrobe overhaul, I got a hair cut, sold a bunch of stuff, donated the rest, and moved things around in the apartment to reclaim the space. I got a job. I did some volunteer work. I was going to AA at that time and went to a lot of evening meetings because of work. I met different people. I journaled.
My perspective started shifting and I followed it. A friend suggested I recite 5 things I was grateful for before I turned the ignition on and drove. I drove fast. I had to be a lot of places. It helped me slow down a little.
That's about the time I took up meditation.
Turns out that it wasn't about him anymore. What I wanted was becoming more and more important. I should have always put myself first. Now I now know how to do that. Life is exciting, even in a pandemic.
Remember that poster of the cat hanging from a tree branch..."Hang in there baby."
I remember thinking that my adventure was long over due, and with all adventures, there is a certain amount of fear and trepidation. I would do it anyway and welcome what comes next.
The divorce diet helped with a wardrobe overhaul, I got a hair cut, sold a bunch of stuff, donated the rest, and moved things around in the apartment to reclaim the space. I got a job. I did some volunteer work. I was going to AA at that time and went to a lot of evening meetings because of work. I met different people. I journaled.
My perspective started shifting and I followed it. A friend suggested I recite 5 things I was grateful for before I turned the ignition on and drove. I drove fast. I had to be a lot of places. It helped me slow down a little.
That's about the time I took up meditation.
Turns out that it wasn't about him anymore. What I wanted was becoming more and more important. I should have always put myself first. Now I now know how to do that. Life is exciting, even in a pandemic.
Remember that poster of the cat hanging from a tree branch..."Hang in there baby."
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
We are similar
I am almost where you are at. Sometimes he makes idle hints and threats and even though I want out, I feel the panic in my chest. 28 years is a long prison sentence that you didn’t deserve. Don’t throw away the jailer’s key.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Think of it as a 5 year plan. I read that in most cases it's 5 years to recover financially, emotionally, etc from the trauma of divorce. That's how long it took me as well. And I am so glad it happened. It was hell. I won't lie about that. But in the end it was worth every last bit of it. Hold your ground and dig in. The sh***y stuff will pass. The day will come when you will be happy you did!
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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I am now separated a month it will be few more before I sign the divorce papers and I can't stop the what if's. I read all these posts and now I am crying again thank you all for being on Sober Recovery. My alcoholism cost me my marriage and the horrible things my ex-wife and I did to each other because of it. I just have so much pain and sorrow and loss I know in time I will be better. I journal I read I volunteer and am trying to stay focused on myself and what I want. Thank you all for the posts so much I am working on my sobriety as well. Thank you all one more time for being here.
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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I need advice please, my ex-wife is no longer in love with me but she still loves me as friend and always will. I still am in love with her and I love her as my best friend. She is trying to help me get to where I only look at her and love her as my best friend. I want to always be her friend but every time on the rare occasion we talk or text it brings up memories and what if's. Should wants me to be happy and move on I want that too should I continue to take her help or should I stay away for a while until I get the same level as her?
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Hello Duane, and Welcome!
When a boyfriend (or ex-husband) ended a relationship with me, what helped me the most to move on was to stop all contact. I couldn't speak or text or e-mail at all, or I would be caught up in my own hopes and dreams for something that was never going to happen. It always takes time to heal a broken heart, but it does heal. Take this time to dive into your hobbies, interests, work and become the best *you* possible. Keep working on staying sober--for you. You deserve a happy, sober, and peaceful life.
When a boyfriend (or ex-husband) ended a relationship with me, what helped me the most to move on was to stop all contact. I couldn't speak or text or e-mail at all, or I would be caught up in my own hopes and dreams for something that was never going to happen. It always takes time to heal a broken heart, but it does heal. Take this time to dive into your hobbies, interests, work and become the best *you* possible. Keep working on staying sober--for you. You deserve a happy, sober, and peaceful life.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
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I would say you are freaking out because being on your own after 20+ years of marriage is scary as hell. Everything you know and the life you’ve built and how you do everything is all geared around being a couple even if you aren’t any more. For quite a while it can seem almost impossible to be out of that. I know, I am three years on and sometimes I still find it hard and a bit lonely (although I have had other relationships since, the fact that could even happen was beyond my expectations at the time).
It will get better, you will be happier if it’s what you need to do,have confidence in yourself it took my about 10 years from knowing I needed to divorce to doing it, it’s not a quick or easy process but it can work.
Good luck
It will get better, you will be happier if it’s what you need to do,have confidence in yourself it took my about 10 years from knowing I needed to divorce to doing it, it’s not a quick or easy process but it can work.
Good luck
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