Early recovery struggles
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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Early recovery struggles
Hi everyone. This is my first time posting, but I have been reading this forum for a few months now and just wanted to thank everyone for already being a source of support and strength for me. I decided to set up an account since I'm struggling a bit through my husband's recent sobriety. I apologize in advance for the novel, but I suppose this is writing therapy for me as much as anything else.
A bit of background... we've been married for 8 years, and through much of that time, I've had periods where I've asked my husband to cut back on his drinking. I did drink a bit more in our younger years, but since having children I've realized that I don't particularly enjoy the hangovers, so I now just have one or two at events. I'm not sure whether he's actually an alcoholic - a few months ago I spent a lot of time looking up definitions, but I've come to realize that the label itself doesn't matter. What does matter is how his actions have affected our lives. He works with his father, who has alcohol use problems. There were days where he wouldn't come home from work until supper time because he stayed to drink beer. Every couple weeks he wouldn't come home until 8 or 9 at night, and be fairly drunk. With 3 young kids at home, the lack of help and stability was difficult, and it was hard to hear them ask where dad is. He would drive home, and although it's only a mile down the road I feel that any distance is too much to be drinking and driving. A while ago he revealed to me that he had some suicidal thoughts, which leads me to suspect some depression issues. He began to take some vitamins to help with stress, but other than that made no effort to address the issue. I would approach him about my concerns - usually it would end with me apologizing to him because I had hurt his feelings, but I've since gotten stronger at advocating for myself. Things would typically get better for a few months, and then it would slowly slide back to normal.
With the pandemic things had gotten worse. He began drinking more at home, because he had worked hard, or he deserved to relax, or it was a nice day etc. If he took the kids for a walk, he would take a couple beers with him. It all accumulated to a point where he and his dad had been working at a place near my parent's house. They pour cement, so some days their job requires them to stay at a place to power-trowel, with nothing to do for a few hours in between trowels... except drink. Both of them were extremely drunk and after the job, they drove to my dad's place to say hello. He ended up driving them the half hour trip home, but if he hadn't insisted then they would have driven themselves.
Usually he completely shuts down as soon as I approach him about anything that's remotely critical of him and refuses to look at me or engage in conversation, even if I bring it up gently and calmly. I decided to write a letter to him instead. I detailed my concerns about his physical and mental health, the impact it's having on our children, his driving under the influence and the affect his actions are having on our relationship. He decided to quit drinking, but told me he doesn't feel like I'm giving him any choice. He isn't willing to talk to a therapist, hasn't talked to his friends, won't talk to me. He seemed to handle sobriety ok physically, but he's struggling mentally. I have read about PAWS, and I wonder if this is what he's dealing with. He's irritable and didn't sleep well even before quitting. The few times we've met with a couple friends or family, he is grumpy and just keeps to himself and doesn't really speak when normally he can be quite sociable. He's been sober for about a couple months now.
I try not to bring it up too much to give him some space, but a few times I've checked in with him on how he's feeling. He's never been good at expressing his emotions other than when he's drunk, which is usually when he's most affectionate and will share his hopes for the future. Negative emotions seem to be hard for him at any time. From what he's told me, I don't think he's truly accepted that his drinking was a problem. He believes this is my problem and I have a "narrow view of what life should be" (which for the record I am a very empathetic person and generally pretty non-judgemental of how others live their lives). He said he isn't enjoying life at all right now, and when I asked if he's noticed anything better about his life right now, the only thing he could think of was that I don't bitch at him anymore about his drinking.
I knew to expect him to blame me for this, but it's hard to deal with him basically ignoring me and trying to make me feel guilty about how gloomy his life is now. Even though I didn't ever actually ask him to completely quit drinking, he's putting this choice all on me. I guess I'm just struggling with worry that if he isn't willing to put any kind of effort into actually recovering and learning some coping strategies, that he isn't going to be successful. So do I just watch him fail? Is this something that he will grow into with time, or is he doomed to struggle until he decides it's not worth it? Should we consider couples therapy, or should he more be focusing on himself right now?
I've been trying my best to maintain my own joy in life, but it's difficult when he comes home and seems to suck the happiness right out of the house. Please tell me this is a stage that will pass!
A bit of background... we've been married for 8 years, and through much of that time, I've had periods where I've asked my husband to cut back on his drinking. I did drink a bit more in our younger years, but since having children I've realized that I don't particularly enjoy the hangovers, so I now just have one or two at events. I'm not sure whether he's actually an alcoholic - a few months ago I spent a lot of time looking up definitions, but I've come to realize that the label itself doesn't matter. What does matter is how his actions have affected our lives. He works with his father, who has alcohol use problems. There were days where he wouldn't come home from work until supper time because he stayed to drink beer. Every couple weeks he wouldn't come home until 8 or 9 at night, and be fairly drunk. With 3 young kids at home, the lack of help and stability was difficult, and it was hard to hear them ask where dad is. He would drive home, and although it's only a mile down the road I feel that any distance is too much to be drinking and driving. A while ago he revealed to me that he had some suicidal thoughts, which leads me to suspect some depression issues. He began to take some vitamins to help with stress, but other than that made no effort to address the issue. I would approach him about my concerns - usually it would end with me apologizing to him because I had hurt his feelings, but I've since gotten stronger at advocating for myself. Things would typically get better for a few months, and then it would slowly slide back to normal.
With the pandemic things had gotten worse. He began drinking more at home, because he had worked hard, or he deserved to relax, or it was a nice day etc. If he took the kids for a walk, he would take a couple beers with him. It all accumulated to a point where he and his dad had been working at a place near my parent's house. They pour cement, so some days their job requires them to stay at a place to power-trowel, with nothing to do for a few hours in between trowels... except drink. Both of them were extremely drunk and after the job, they drove to my dad's place to say hello. He ended up driving them the half hour trip home, but if he hadn't insisted then they would have driven themselves.
Usually he completely shuts down as soon as I approach him about anything that's remotely critical of him and refuses to look at me or engage in conversation, even if I bring it up gently and calmly. I decided to write a letter to him instead. I detailed my concerns about his physical and mental health, the impact it's having on our children, his driving under the influence and the affect his actions are having on our relationship. He decided to quit drinking, but told me he doesn't feel like I'm giving him any choice. He isn't willing to talk to a therapist, hasn't talked to his friends, won't talk to me. He seemed to handle sobriety ok physically, but he's struggling mentally. I have read about PAWS, and I wonder if this is what he's dealing with. He's irritable and didn't sleep well even before quitting. The few times we've met with a couple friends or family, he is grumpy and just keeps to himself and doesn't really speak when normally he can be quite sociable. He's been sober for about a couple months now.
I try not to bring it up too much to give him some space, but a few times I've checked in with him on how he's feeling. He's never been good at expressing his emotions other than when he's drunk, which is usually when he's most affectionate and will share his hopes for the future. Negative emotions seem to be hard for him at any time. From what he's told me, I don't think he's truly accepted that his drinking was a problem. He believes this is my problem and I have a "narrow view of what life should be" (which for the record I am a very empathetic person and generally pretty non-judgemental of how others live their lives). He said he isn't enjoying life at all right now, and when I asked if he's noticed anything better about his life right now, the only thing he could think of was that I don't bitch at him anymore about his drinking.
I knew to expect him to blame me for this, but it's hard to deal with him basically ignoring me and trying to make me feel guilty about how gloomy his life is now. Even though I didn't ever actually ask him to completely quit drinking, he's putting this choice all on me. I guess I'm just struggling with worry that if he isn't willing to put any kind of effort into actually recovering and learning some coping strategies, that he isn't going to be successful. So do I just watch him fail? Is this something that he will grow into with time, or is he doomed to struggle until he decides it's not worth it? Should we consider couples therapy, or should he more be focusing on himself right now?
I've been trying my best to maintain my own joy in life, but it's difficult when he comes home and seems to suck the happiness right out of the house. Please tell me this is a stage that will pass!
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi DS,
While I'm glad that your husband has decided to stop drinking. If he is not seeking help he will not get out of this stage. He needs to seek help and acknowledge that he is an alcoholic. Other wise their will come a point where something will trigger his need for a drink and the cycle will repeat it self. You should not have to walk on eggshells or have your happiness sucked out the front door when he comes home. He will blame you for not allowing him to drink. It's never their fault. Just know you are not to blame. Also I'm sure you have come across the three C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. This is all up to him to fix. You have told him how you feel about his drinking. It is up to him to act on it. You shouldn't have to apologize for bringing up your concerns about his drinking. Alcoholics are good at making you apologize and making it your fault that their life sucks. I know, cause I would apologize to my wife when we had these types of discussions. Even though I didn't think i was wrong and there was never an apology from her for what she had done.
I hope you continue to post here and get the good advice from all the knowledge people here. They have helped me and i know they can help you. Keep being strong and have a beautiful day.
While I'm glad that your husband has decided to stop drinking. If he is not seeking help he will not get out of this stage. He needs to seek help and acknowledge that he is an alcoholic. Other wise their will come a point where something will trigger his need for a drink and the cycle will repeat it self. You should not have to walk on eggshells or have your happiness sucked out the front door when he comes home. He will blame you for not allowing him to drink. It's never their fault. Just know you are not to blame. Also I'm sure you have come across the three C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. This is all up to him to fix. You have told him how you feel about his drinking. It is up to him to act on it. You shouldn't have to apologize for bringing up your concerns about his drinking. Alcoholics are good at making you apologize and making it your fault that their life sucks. I know, cause I would apologize to my wife when we had these types of discussions. Even though I didn't think i was wrong and there was never an apology from her for what she had done.
I hope you continue to post here and get the good advice from all the knowledge people here. They have helped me and i know they can help you. Keep being strong and have a beautiful day.
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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Thank you Ironwill. It's definitely a hard truth to hear, but definitely something that I needed today. It can be hard feeling like you know what someone needs to do to succeed, but realizing that it's up to them to figure that out on their own. I guess it's a bit like watching my son learn to walk; I know that he's going to fall down, but at some point you have to let go of his hand and have him try and possibly fail. I think my biggest struggle right now is learning to take that step back. I hope that for both my husband and your wife that they can keep taking those baby steps.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
There is a big difference between sobriety and recovery, I'm afraid, and it sounds like your husband demonstrates this.
He has given up his coping mechanism, and replaced it with nothing. As hard as this might be to wrap your head and heart around, the time has come for you to leave him to figure this out for himself, and to focus on taking care of yourself and the children who cannot care for themselves. I can't say if couples therapy right now would help since he does not seem in the mindset of recovery. What I can tell you helped me was letting go of some ideas: 1) that my happiness or contentment depended on someone else making changes in their life, and b) that I had any power to affect someone else to change. Once I fulled accepted my powerlessness over the alcoholics in my life, I was able to begin my own recovery journey, and find some peace.
He has given up his coping mechanism, and replaced it with nothing. As hard as this might be to wrap your head and heart around, the time has come for you to leave him to figure this out for himself, and to focus on taking care of yourself and the children who cannot care for themselves. I can't say if couples therapy right now would help since he does not seem in the mindset of recovery. What I can tell you helped me was letting go of some ideas: 1) that my happiness or contentment depended on someone else making changes in their life, and b) that I had any power to affect someone else to change. Once I fulled accepted my powerlessness over the alcoholics in my life, I was able to begin my own recovery journey, and find some peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
DS,
When you have had talk with your husband is he against AA or some other treatment? I know you say he shuts down when you get critical about him. But he can't white knuckle it for ever. Sooner or later the dam will break and he will head back to the one thing that brings him happiness Alcohol. It can be very hard knowing what they need to do to get better and them not thinking they have a problem that it is you. Just know that you have done your part in letting him know how you feel about his drinking. It is hard to stand back and hope they come to their senses and get help. But you will hear on this board that Hope is not a plan. You can hope all you want, but in the end it is up to them. They have got to want to get better for themselves. You have to plan for yourself and for your child. Living with a spouse that wont talk to you or blames you for his unhappiness is now way to live. It only makes you sad. keep being strong
When you have had talk with your husband is he against AA or some other treatment? I know you say he shuts down when you get critical about him. But he can't white knuckle it for ever. Sooner or later the dam will break and he will head back to the one thing that brings him happiness Alcohol. It can be very hard knowing what they need to do to get better and them not thinking they have a problem that it is you. Just know that you have done your part in letting him know how you feel about his drinking. It is hard to stand back and hope they come to their senses and get help. But you will hear on this board that Hope is not a plan. You can hope all you want, but in the end it is up to them. They have got to want to get better for themselves. You have to plan for yourself and for your child. Living with a spouse that wont talk to you or blames you for his unhappiness is now way to live. It only makes you sad. keep being strong
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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When he first decided to quit drinking, I had asked him if he considered AA and he was not receptive to that idea. I think he's pretty deep in denial that there's even a problem, so in his mind why would he need something like that? His family has wonderful people in it, but it's been pretty ingrained in all of them that emotions and personal problems don't get discussed. As long as everything looks fine on the surface, then it's all good - AA would contradict that. Unless he can overcome that way of thinking, then I don't think I see him being successful.
Having admitted that, I suppose I need to start focusing on what I want for myself and my kids.
Having admitted that, I suppose I need to start focusing on what I want for myself and my kids.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Unfortunately, like Sparkle said, he is not in recovery but simply abstaining. He made it clear he isn't doing it for himself. These are elements which pretty much mean a relapse is inevitable. The AA jargon for that is "white knuckling", and that negative energy you feel in the house is a pretty clear sign that this isn't sustainable for any of you.
I deal with a spouse who also has addiction issues, and I have found the very hard way that if they don't want to quit for themselves, it simply won't work for long. What you can do is buy some time by focusing on yourself and the kids, and getting very clear about what you are willing to live with or not. If you haven't read "Codependent No More", please get a copy and read it. Alcoholism is a family disease--and not just between alcoholics like he and his father, but also hugely impacts the rest of the family, especially the children.
Your expectation of having a spouse to contribute not only money, but be a participant in the family and raising of children is totally valid. Also, your fear about drinking and driving is something that causes terrible stress and worry. We understand and are glad you are here.
I deal with a spouse who also has addiction issues, and I have found the very hard way that if they don't want to quit for themselves, it simply won't work for long. What you can do is buy some time by focusing on yourself and the kids, and getting very clear about what you are willing to live with or not. If you haven't read "Codependent No More", please get a copy and read it. Alcoholism is a family disease--and not just between alcoholics like he and his father, but also hugely impacts the rest of the family, especially the children.
Your expectation of having a spouse to contribute not only money, but be a participant in the family and raising of children is totally valid. Also, your fear about drinking and driving is something that causes terrible stress and worry. We understand and are glad you are here.
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Originally Posted by DappledSunshine 
When he first decided to quit drinking, I had asked him if he considered AA and he was not receptive to that idea.
Having admitted that, I suppose I need to start focusing on what I want for myself and my kids.
Having admitted that, I suppose I need to start focusing on what I want for myself and my kids.
No one can force an addict to do anything. Our drug of choice might be temporarily removed in the case of having to spend time in jail or whatnot, but all that can do is amp up our decision to go after our drug of choice once we're released. We're strange that way.
He needs to decide for himself which route he will take to become and stay sober. He has his own best answers regarding this. Everyone has their own best answers.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
I agree he is not in recovery, just trying to prove you wrong, possibly.
I was in your situation. A man who didn't see that the time spent drinking was time away from his family. The nights away, the time spent recovering and the time he invested with his drinking buddies all took him away from us.
Set yourself some boundaries asap. Be clear about what you won't endure. I didn't want to tolerate a stinky, snoring mass next to me, so he couldn't sleep in the room with me on drinking nights.
We understand the grief attached to the slow realisation of the impact of the alcoholic's actions.
Never apologise for writing a lot...we've nearly all done it.
Keep posting. You will definately come aw a y with some information and asdvice gems. X
I was in your situation. A man who didn't see that the time spent drinking was time away from his family. The nights away, the time spent recovering and the time he invested with his drinking buddies all took him away from us.
Set yourself some boundaries asap. Be clear about what you won't endure. I didn't want to tolerate a stinky, snoring mass next to me, so he couldn't sleep in the room with me on drinking nights.
We understand the grief attached to the slow realisation of the impact of the alcoholic's actions.
Never apologise for writing a lot...we've nearly all done it.
Keep posting. You will definately come aw a y with some information and asdvice gems. X
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Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 7
Wombaticus, I asked myself yesterday why he quit if he wasn't willing to take any additional steps and came to the same conclusion. Either he wants to prove me wrong, or make me guilty by playing the martyr, or some other similar reason. He doesn't seem able to see the effects on those around him. He told me yesterday that he would write a letter to me, which is a pretty big step for him to be even trying to communicate his feelings. So I await to see what this letter holds, and whether it's just more of the blame game, or whether his thinking has evolved at all.
Thank you for the reminder to make my boundaries clear. Since I've found this forum, I've come to the realization that I hadn't been advocating very strongly for myself. I'm still working on putting this into practice. I'm pretty proud of myself though that I've at least stopped apologizing for how I feel and I no longer back down. Justifying that my feelings are valid has been huge for me. Everyone has been so supportive and encouraging and I really do appreciate it.
Thank you for the reminder to make my boundaries clear. Since I've found this forum, I've come to the realization that I hadn't been advocating very strongly for myself. I'm still working on putting this into practice. I'm pretty proud of myself though that I've at least stopped apologizing for how I feel and I no longer back down. Justifying that my feelings are valid has been huge for me. Everyone has been so supportive and encouraging and I really do appreciate it.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi DS,
I hope you are doing a little better today. It's a long journey that you have begun. Just take it one day at a time and know their are people here to help. Keep looking after your self. Be honest with yourself about what you want. Your happiness matters. I hope you get some answers from his letter, but I would not hold my breath for deep apology for the things he has put you through.
Keep being strong and have a good day.
I hope you are doing a little better today. It's a long journey that you have begun. Just take it one day at a time and know their are people here to help. Keep looking after your self. Be honest with yourself about what you want. Your happiness matters. I hope you get some answers from his letter, but I would not hold my breath for deep apology for the things he has put you through.
Keep being strong and have a good day.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Hi DS and welcome.
I'm glad to see you are advocating for yourself, that is a huge aspect of our recovery.
If I had to condense the family disease of alcoholism into a short paragraph, it would
be about self responsibility. The alcoholic must take responsibility for his happiness
and stop blaming anyone and everyone for his dissatisfaction with his life and learn
to take care of himself/herself and his mind and emotions. The partner also has to
be responsible- yes they are already overwhelmed and exhausted and lots of other
emotions. Self-responsibility for partners is about self-compassion, setting
boundaries, and acceptance. Learning about the family disease of alcoholism and
how it affects the whole family for generations is a process and extremely empowering.
As long as your husband is blaming you or anyone else for his lot in life, he is not
in recovery, he is temporarily sober. To be truly engaged in recovery is to adopt a
new skill set for coping, new thought processes, new beliefs. Even with the
best support system the first year of recovery is very difficult for both people
in the relationship.
I hope you will consider alanon. It may take a few meetings to find the right one
for you, but those meetings (and my sponsor) were a life saver for me.
I'm glad to see you are advocating for yourself, that is a huge aspect of our recovery.
If I had to condense the family disease of alcoholism into a short paragraph, it would
be about self responsibility. The alcoholic must take responsibility for his happiness
and stop blaming anyone and everyone for his dissatisfaction with his life and learn
to take care of himself/herself and his mind and emotions. The partner also has to
be responsible- yes they are already overwhelmed and exhausted and lots of other
emotions. Self-responsibility for partners is about self-compassion, setting
boundaries, and acceptance. Learning about the family disease of alcoholism and
how it affects the whole family for generations is a process and extremely empowering.
As long as your husband is blaming you or anyone else for his lot in life, he is not
in recovery, he is temporarily sober. To be truly engaged in recovery is to adopt a
new skill set for coping, new thought processes, new beliefs. Even with the
best support system the first year of recovery is very difficult for both people
in the relationship.
I hope you will consider alanon. It may take a few meetings to find the right one
for you, but those meetings (and my sponsor) were a life saver for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 7
Thank you mylife. You are right, learning about alcoholism is quite the process. I spent a lot of years being frustrated with irresponsible choices and it wasn't until recently that I came to the realization that this may be a more serious problem than that. Reading about this disease and how insidiously it can creep into your life has been so eye-opening for me. I have educated myself a lot in these last few months, and it's really required me to completely change my mindframe since I had a pretty limited understanding of alcoholism before this. I find the concept of co-dependency fascinating (for lack of a better word, there are definitely many more emotions that go along with it) as well, and hadn't realized before just what my role in all of this has been. I know I have a long ways to go yet, but I suppose that's part of being a life-long learner. I'm choosing to view this as a challenge for myself and am actually kind of looking forward to improving myself as my way of thinking evolves.
I have looked a bit into local alanon meetings, but have yet to try it. I will definitely be considering it.
I have looked a bit into local alanon meetings, but have yet to try it. I will definitely be considering it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Hi DS,
Yes, I hope you consider Alanon as you will find a lot of people that know exactly what you are talking about!
There is a lot of information her at SR, including the stickies at the top of this forum, you might find these helpful/interesting:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
In particular this thread might resonate with you:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (Letting go of those not in recovery)
Yes, I hope you consider Alanon as you will find a lot of people that know exactly what you are talking about!
There is a lot of information her at SR, including the stickies at the top of this forum, you might find these helpful/interesting:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
In particular this thread might resonate with you:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (Letting go of those not in recovery)
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