Recovering Alcoholic BF no longer loves me
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by Privategirl1026 
Hi there,
Spoiler
It does sound like you have some experience and understanding of Alcoholism. You might start educating yourself on codependency; Codependency No More is a book that is a good place to start.
The more you can focus on yourself and your own needs, faults and desires the better. It is tough to do in the face of an alcoholic loved-one.
Please let us know how your get on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Privategirl1026
Hi there,
Weve been together for 5 1/2 years, living together for about 4 of them. His alcoholism wasn’t very apparent until we’ve lived together for a year. It never got violent, it just became his ritual and I didn’t know what to do. About a year ago, he had a really big medical scare. He was admitted to the hospital for pancreatitis, which led him to start detoxing. He had a lot of complications but thankfully for him, he was completely delusion the entire time. I told him it’s a good thing he doesn’t remember, but I’ll never forget it.
visited him everyday in the hospital, despite him not even realizing I was there. He was finally able to leave the hospital but only to go to rehab for a few weeks (until his insurance ran out). Since then, he’s been sober with little to no issues. I was just so relieved he was able to leave that hospital bed. I knew the journey to recovery wasn’t going to be easy. I have several friends and family members who are RA so I had some experience.
In the last 6 months, he’s started working on his health (lessening how much he smokes cigarettes, drinking less energy drinks) and started focusing on hobbies which he hasn’t done since before his drinking got bad. He would also go on long walks at night, but I chalked that up to his restlessness and talking to his old childhood friends he reconnected with.
Out of the blue, he sits me down and tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. The reasons didn’t make any sense. They just seemed like minor imperfections, nothing to end a 5 yr relationship over. I asked him if he’s cheating on me and he denied it several times and has continued to say his mind is constantly changing and right now, he doesn’t see himself (or the self he wants to be) with me. We have a lease together for 6 more months and I’m at a total loss. I want to believe it’s his addiction but he’s kept so much from me this past month that I can’t trust anything he says. I want to give him space but I want to know what’s going through his head because I’m truly in total shock and just devastated.
Weve been together for 5 1/2 years, living together for about 4 of them. His alcoholism wasn’t very apparent until we’ve lived together for a year. It never got violent, it just became his ritual and I didn’t know what to do. About a year ago, he had a really big medical scare. He was admitted to the hospital for pancreatitis, which led him to start detoxing. He had a lot of complications but thankfully for him, he was completely delusion the entire time. I told him it’s a good thing he doesn’t remember, but I’ll never forget it.
visited him everyday in the hospital, despite him not even realizing I was there. He was finally able to leave the hospital but only to go to rehab for a few weeks (until his insurance ran out). Since then, he’s been sober with little to no issues. I was just so relieved he was able to leave that hospital bed. I knew the journey to recovery wasn’t going to be easy. I have several friends and family members who are RA so I had some experience.
In the last 6 months, he’s started working on his health (lessening how much he smokes cigarettes, drinking less energy drinks) and started focusing on hobbies which he hasn’t done since before his drinking got bad. He would also go on long walks at night, but I chalked that up to his restlessness and talking to his old childhood friends he reconnected with.
Out of the blue, he sits me down and tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. The reasons didn’t make any sense. They just seemed like minor imperfections, nothing to end a 5 yr relationship over. I asked him if he’s cheating on me and he denied it several times and has continued to say his mind is constantly changing and right now, he doesn’t see himself (or the self he wants to be) with me. We have a lease together for 6 more months and I’m at a total loss. I want to believe it’s his addiction but he’s kept so much from me this past month that I can’t trust anything he says. I want to give him space but I want to know what’s going through his head because I’m truly in total shock and just devastated.
You have never really known him as a sober person and in fact he may not even remember what that "is". As Bekindalways mentioned, that first year (or more) of recovery can be a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions for a recovering alcoholic.
You mention that you want to know what is going on in his head. Have you asked him that question? That might be a good place to start to get some clarification. Keep in mind though that he might have a tough time explaining that.
Giving him the space he is asking for is perhaps your best avenue right now?
Maybe it's time to focus back on yourself, give yourself the time and space to figure out what you want. Be around people that know and love you and do things that you may have pushed to the side. It's also an important time to look after yourself, talk to others (us included), eat well, try to sleep well, get outside. All these things can go a long way toward making you feel more centered as you decide what you want to do.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
OW.
Early recovery might be equated to swimming through murky waters. Everything is dark and creepy and it's hard to tell which direction is the direction we want to go. It can be a real challenge to be certain about how we feel because we're unable to step outside of ourselves to look at ourselves objectively. It's my experience that only time and space can fix this.
He's told you he doesn't love you anymore and that's rough. You still have six months on your lease and that presents a challenge.
Can one of you leave? If not - is it a good idea to modify your sleeping arrangements?
I can only imagine how traumatic it might be to have to live together under those circumstances, but if you don't have any other options - where does that leave either of you? Here's my process of elimination - You certainly can't force him to love you so that idea is off the table. And you certainly can't go around acting like a Chameleon - adapting to his every mood change, so that's off the table. And you can't pretend to be what he want's when even he's not sure what he wants - so that's off the table. What else is off the table?
Adding to this list might show you what is left on the table. Maybe that's the action you should think about taking here.
Early recovery might be equated to swimming through murky waters. Everything is dark and creepy and it's hard to tell which direction is the direction we want to go. It can be a real challenge to be certain about how we feel because we're unable to step outside of ourselves to look at ourselves objectively. It's my experience that only time and space can fix this.
He's told you he doesn't love you anymore and that's rough. You still have six months on your lease and that presents a challenge.
Can one of you leave? If not - is it a good idea to modify your sleeping arrangements?
I can only imagine how traumatic it might be to have to live together under those circumstances, but if you don't have any other options - where does that leave either of you? Here's my process of elimination - You certainly can't force him to love you so that idea is off the table. And you certainly can't go around acting like a Chameleon - adapting to his every mood change, so that's off the table. And you can't pretend to be what he want's when even he's not sure what he wants - so that's off the table. What else is off the table?
Adding to this list might show you what is left on the table. Maybe that's the action you should think about taking here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 93
Hang in there
Just wanted to say that something very similar happened to me, but in the reverse in that I’m pretty sure it was the result of him drinking again. As others have mentioned, you can’t force the situation and why would you want to with someone who doesn’t mind discarding you when you have stood by them through so much? Focus on you, on being kind to yourself and moving on - don’t try to stay in touch with him. Talk with people who love you and want the best for you, and people here who understand. I’m about 9 months out and it gets better, I promise, it just takes some time. I’m sorry you went through this, it hurts a lot.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 2
Hi everyone,
Thank you got all your kind and very truthful words. I was hesitant with seeking advice from strangers but this situation isn’t something that occurs in “normal relationships”. Just an update. We’ve agreed to cohabitate, stay out of each other’s ways and he has till next spring to figure out what he wants out of me before our lease is up. It’s odd because he clearly cares about me (making sure doors are locked before he leaves if I’m still home and asking me how my day was). We promised each other we’d let the other know if we wouldn’t spend the night there, mainly for the purpose of our cats and general wellness (making sure were in a safe space and not trying to hurt ourselves). Last night he went out for one of his walks and didn’t come home until it was time for work (6am). He said he was pretty far away on a walk and ended up staying at a friends. I’m trying not to smother or check up like his girlfriend but there’s still that instinctual need to make sure he’s okay. I go back and forth saying I’m overreacting but then snapping out and telling myself my feelings also need to be validated. Thank you again everyone. I truly embrace how honest this community is and it gives me hope regardless how our situation ends.
Thank you got all your kind and very truthful words. I was hesitant with seeking advice from strangers but this situation isn’t something that occurs in “normal relationships”. Just an update. We’ve agreed to cohabitate, stay out of each other’s ways and he has till next spring to figure out what he wants out of me before our lease is up. It’s odd because he clearly cares about me (making sure doors are locked before he leaves if I’m still home and asking me how my day was). We promised each other we’d let the other know if we wouldn’t spend the night there, mainly for the purpose of our cats and general wellness (making sure were in a safe space and not trying to hurt ourselves). Last night he went out for one of his walks and didn’t come home until it was time for work (6am). He said he was pretty far away on a walk and ended up staying at a friends. I’m trying not to smother or check up like his girlfriend but there’s still that instinctual need to make sure he’s okay. I go back and forth saying I’m overreacting but then snapping out and telling myself my feelings also need to be validated. Thank you again everyone. I truly embrace how honest this community is and it gives me hope regardless how our situation ends.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Thanks for the update, Privategirl. Please don't underestimate how difficult it will be to co-habitate with your ex for so long. Time and distance and necessary for healing. Maybe keep an open mind about this arrangement as more is revealed.
I'm a little put off by this phrasing: "We’ve agreed to cohabitate, stay out of each other’s ways and he has till next spring to figure out what he wants out of me before our lease is up." I just want to make sure you understand that you have choice and power here, too. Please don't hand your peace and happiness over to someone else while they are on a totally separate journey from you.
Sending you strength, patience, and support.
I'm a little put off by this phrasing: "We’ve agreed to cohabitate, stay out of each other’s ways and he has till next spring to figure out what he wants out of me before our lease is up." I just want to make sure you understand that you have choice and power here, too. Please don't hand your peace and happiness over to someone else while they are on a totally separate journey from you.
Sending you strength, patience, and support.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
After dealing with and observing a family alcoholic relationship for years the A probably stuck with his gf because she enables him to no end especially with rides and use of a her car/apt. Shes driven 15-20 miles to pick him up and then some rushing from other business even further. He probably kept the relationship for convenience. Should note they've broken up a couple of times.He does the same with other friends and family-keeps the relationship/person in arms reach for future favors. I'm afraid that's part of the reason here. He's sober for now so not only is his thinking different but if he did stay with you it could have been for his convenience as well. The dynamic changes his needs and priorities will change when sober.
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