maelhe

A friend guided me to this forum. I’ve been in a relationship for about 18 months with somebody who I care for deeply. Its been rocky from the beginning with “I’m the greatest love ever” to “it’s always something with you”. She has an alcohol issue and a prescription drug issue. The alcohol issue she acknowledges to a certain degree and has been not drinking for several months now. The prescription drug addiction is not acknowledged, and I have never pushed her on the issue because I am afraid to start that discussion. We went on a road trip and she threw out her back yesterday after a very long hike. She always has a supply of Vicodin and muscle relaxers that seem to refill themselves one or two pills at a time. However today she was able to get a prescription that totally sticks her up. I’m tired of worrying about the alcohol and drugs. I’ve tried to leave several times before but have caved when she showers me with love. Usually lasts anywhere from two weeks to a month and then it slides back to just someone who is there for her. How do you leave and leave for good. I used to live with her. I’ve had my own apartment for about 6 weeks now. How can I make leaving stick this time? Thanks for letting me vent.

Dee74

Hi and welcome maellhe - you will find a lot of support here

Do you think you could go no contact?

D

maelhe

I work with her as well, so that would be difficult. I feel strong when I’m not with her, so I’m going to start staying home more often and not go to her house. Our lives are very entangled at this point. After a while she will try to shower me with love and attention and it does feel good when she does that. However, I know it won’t last long.

Dee74

It would be great if we could leave with as little drama ill feeling and recrimination as possible but it doesn't look like you'll be able to do that if she's actively addicted, and a workmate.

You have to put yourself first tho.
If you want to leave, I would start on working to getting as disentangled as possible.

D

LumenandNyx

Hm. How to disentangle ...

Block your phone number before you tell her you no longer want to see her because you aren't happy in the relationship. You can tell her you want to be alone. You want to be single. You don't want to be in a relationship...whatever string of words works for you. And that's it - you don't have to say more, you aren't obligated to say more or offer a reason. And you're not obligated to listen to her babble on and on.. Especially if she's under the influence of her pills. If you're up for offering her an explanation, you might as well just lay out the truth rather than skirt around it.. "Your drinking and pill use makes me really uncomfortable and I don't want to be around it anymore." Or "I know you quit drinking, but I'm still really uncomfortable with the number of pills you take and I'm just not interested in any of the drama anymore."

Try not to over complicate the truth in your own head because while that's easy to do - the truth is pretty darn simple.

I'm a straight shooter. That's how I'd handle it ... as quickly and as honestly as possible without a lot of extra verbiage. It looks like you've offered her plenty of opportunities to get her s**t together and she's ignored them.

As for all the "Love" she's bound to shower you with in the face of all this - tell her no thank you. And leave. That may be the only hint she gets. So give it to her. You'll both live.

Sounds harsh. I know ...

maelhe

What I’ve come to realize in the last couple days is that she is my own addiction. When I am away from her and at my own place, my thoughts are so much clearer and my mood is so much better. I feel stronger and say to myself time after time that I can live without her. When I see her, however, that goes away in an instant. I know it seems like the obvious answer is to not see her. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t want to give up on her like everybody else has in her life. I also know I can’t have it both ways.

LumenandNyx

And there it is. You just put it into words. You had the answer this entire time.
So - what's the next best step?

maelhe

So as of last night I have left things with we are going our separate ways. This is the test for me. She has a way of working her way back in because I let her. I can do this if I can truly go no contact. I actually feel good and positive when I do t have any contact with her. I don’t know what it is that makes me break that no contact. Things have been so much in turmoil the last couple weeks. I don’t know if it is because if the Vicodin and muscle relaxers or if I’m just coming to a point where I really don’t want to take it anymore and am pushing back.

trailmix

Hi maelhe. When you say "makes me break that no contact" are you saying that you are the one that ends up calling or texting her or do you mean you reply to her contacting you?

If she is contacting you, I would suggest just saying politely that you don't think you should speak for quite some time as it's too difficult and leave it at that. Then if she continues contact the best thing to do would be to block her texts, at least for several months.

If you are contacting her, why do you think you do that? You mention you feel so much better on your own, why would you want to go back from that.

Have you read the book codependent no more by Melody Beattie? I'm not saying you are codependent by the way, I don't know! The book is often recommended here as it has a lot of information about relationships and boundaries that you might find really helpful.

As you have no doubt discovered you can't have a really good relationship with an active addict because most of the time they aren't really there, even when "sober". Recovery takes determination and a commitment to stay clean every day and that is ongoing, addiction is also progressive. She doesn't seem to have a problem with her drinking and other drugs but you do, so perhaps that is the boundary for you? You won't be in a relationship with someone that is an active addict.

That's a boundary for you vs a "rule" for her, you are not asking her to do anything, you are taking your own action to remove yourself from that situation. Yes it can hurt and there will be moments where you will second guess yourself.

You might want to write out a hard copy list of all the reasons why you can't be in that relationship and keep that list with you. Whenever you start that "good times" ruminating take that list out and read it, even if that's 10 times a day or more to start.

Ann

I don’t want to give up on her like everybody else has in her life.


I think you know by now that "her" recovery is her responsibility and nobody else can do it for her or make her do it.

I tried for years and years to "save" my son from his active addiction, in the end it is between my son and God to find a better path. Nothing I do or don't do has ever made a lick of difference. It took me many years to figure that part out.

Your thought process is good, and reaching out for support will help you. None of this is easy but it's a decision that is painful to make but more painful to remain the same. You can do it, you are already well on the way.

maelhe

She always makes the first contact. Her texts tug at my heartstrings for sure. I feel like I can see those more objectively because I know now it is all part of a pattern. She will shower me with “you’re the only one who has ever showed me true love” and that will last about two weeks to a month and then it will be back to the same old same old.

trailmix

Yes it is part of a pattern.

Is there any - "I will try to do better", "I will try to cut down", "I didn't mean to hurt you".

I ask because hey - usually there is. You know though that none of these things apply. Even is someone doesn't mean to hurt you per se, the fact that they do it over and over again means the words are just words. Always look for actions not words.

If it's actually even true as she says that “you’re the only one who has ever showed me true love”, how does she function with that true love? Is she kind, respectful? No. Do you notice she mentions the love you have for her, not hers for you? That means she just takes it for granted. If she had said, I know I have treated you badly and I know it's that drinking and drugs are a problem for me so I am checking in to rehab today and I hope I will be successful etc etc - but that didn't happen. It's more of a, just take this and give me the love and attention I want.

Bit of a mess isn't it.

Also, you don't even know her "sober". She hasn't been since you met her. If she did in fact get in to recovery who is to say any of this would work out?

Those are perhaps just some things you might want to consider when/if she texts. I would strongly advise blocking those texts, I know it's not easy and it doesn't even have to be forever, but perhaps for several months until you can see it all more clearly. Hard to do when you are always in the storm.

Blocking, writing a list of all the miserable parts of this relationship, reminding yourself how unhappy it makes you, surrounding yourself with people who love you and care about you, these are all things you can do to protect yourself.

maelhe

We ended it. I told her I would mail her my key and she said she would mail mine as well. She showed up at my apartment and texted me that she was outside. I told her to leave it under the mat. She said no that she wanted to apologize in person. I told her I couldn’t handle seeing her and to please stop and leave. She used the key to open the door. I was crying and begging her to leave. She said she wanted to apologize in person. I locked myself in the bathroom telling her to go and she still wouldn’t leave. I walked out and said ok, say what you want to say. She said I’m sorry and I said ok I forgive you please leave. She said she wanted to explain herself and I told her to leave and that I couldn’t bear her to be there. I was sobbing and she was telling me that she didn’t want to leave and that she deserved for me to listen to her and that she was advocating for herself. I then locked myself in the bedroom and begged her to leave. She kept on talking and I couldn’t hear her and I didn’t want to hear her and I opened the bedroom door and begged once again please leave. At this point I’m crying to the point my eyes are almost swollen shut. And she asks me if I would giver her a hug. I walked to the door and would have thrown her out if she wasn’t standing near it. I cornered her out the door and locked it. She texted me about 10 minutes later and said that she wasn’t the one who wanted this but she would respect me asking her to go away. She then ends the text by saying I miss you already...I pray to God I can be strong. It’s the worst thing she has ever done and I should be committed if I let her back in. All this because she said some horrible things to me by text right before she came over. She needed to clear her conscience at my expense. I was married for 20 years to a man and finally was able to walk away after years of struggling. I didn’t think it would be this way with a woman.

trailmix

Good for you for maintaining your boundary, even when it hurts and I know you are hurting and I am sorry you are feeling so bad.

You probably already know that this will pass, it will take time, ending a relationship takes time to heal, the good thing is you feel better when you are away from her and that's half the battle.

Now how to maintain that. Perhaps keep thinking of the "next right thing" for yourself? What makes you happy? Friends, family, travel, binge watching netflix, walking? Try to incorporate as much of whatever it is in to your life. With a relationship with an addict it can be all consuming and we tend to spend a lot of time focusing on them and other relationships can suffer or we don't see a lot of other people. Now is the time to circle the wagons.

You have divorced, you have ended this relationship, I hope you also know that better things are ahead for you.