NewSeason4

Hi there,

My BF has been struggling to stay sober for several months now. As time has gone on I see him unraveling and it’s so hard to watch. I’ve tried to be there for him as much as possible without enabling him. He’s a binge drinker and will go for several days without drinking but then once he starts he consumes huge amounts of alcohol and can’t stop. I finally told him yesterday morning that he needed to get help, like we’d already discussed, or he had to leave. He chose to leave. I don’t know where he went. He did finally start texting me last night wanting to come home. I told him I would take him to the hospital or even to a hotel for the night but he couldn’t come home and drink. He refused both and proceeded to go back and forth between being very sweet and being very nasty. I know he was really drunk so I’m not surprised. But I guess I’m just looking for some words or encouragement and strength. I know I had to do something but I’m so worried about him. Anyone have any words of wisdom to share. Please!!!

SparkleKitty

I am very proud of you for sticking to your guns! You are doing the right thing for both yourself and for him. It's not easy, but we are here to support you.

D122y

My guess is your BF is in his 20s or 30s. My addiction was so strong at that age. The reason was my body and mind were stronger and I bounced back in the next few days.

The brain damage from booze/drugs is permanent and progressive. It impacts the emotional side of the mind and it rules.

The analytical side of the mind can win out, but the addict has to want to get clean more than anyone.

Otherwise, the death spiral continues. The addict will do anything to continue the fix.

My wife really didn't stand by me during my active addiction or recovery. She tolerated it. This might be because I was a very mellow drunk, but if provoked enough I would lose my temper. I flipped the coffee table one time, threw food periodically, and screamed at the top of my lungs at her probably once a month.

I feel terrible about this now and appreciate her forgiveness. My addiction impacted my young son in ways I may never understand. This is part of the hell of addiction.

Until your BF decides to really get clean, which may be impossible for a couple of decades, I would run away and find someone that doesn't drink or drinks very very very little every few months.

Thanks.

ironwill

Hi Newseason4,

You did the right thing. I know it's hard to give an ultimatum when you love someone. But you have to have your boundaries and you have stuck to them. You will get through this and with any luck your BF will seek help at some point. This is up for him to do. Nothing you say will change him. He has to do it for himself. Just keep being strong and sticking to your boundaries and you will come through this.

Virituze2020

Hi Newseason, I've been where you are now, and you MUST stick to your guns or else you will lose all credibility. He's hoping you'll cave, (maybe you've caved before) alcoholics (and lots of people in general) will always see how far they can go with you, they are constantly testing you.
Even exercise zero contact if you must. It's an emotional time right now for you, so don't trust your emotions. Be completely selfish right now! someday you will realize you've done the wise thing.

nez

Newseason4, this is coming from an alcoholic in recovery for a few years now, what you did was the most loving action you could have taken, for you and for him also. Staying strong behind your action is the best thing for the both of you. You don't want to love him to death, what you did was to love him to live; but which he ultimately chooses is up to him. You did right. May you find peace.

B1ueEyes

Hi you have done the right thing ! I know it’s hard but do not let him back into your home or life unless he is willing to stop drinking.
i let me ex back a few times in my life the promises the tears and as soon as his foot was back in the door bang we was back to square one.
they will tell you whatever they can to get you to give in play with your emotions and still have no intention of giving up there drinking.
loon after you and know that you have done the best thing !!!

NewSeason4

Thank you all very much. Your responses are very reassuring. I know logically I’m doing the right thing but like a few of you mentioned emotions are running super high and making it hard. I’m not backing down regardless of what happens. He has contacted me several times and wants to come home but I’ve made it very clear that can’t happen if he’s drinking. And that when he’s ready to get help I’ll be here to support him. We’re both in our 40s and he has struggled with alcoholism his entire adult life.

LumenandNyx

Hi there!

Try to stay busy and keep your mind occupied on other things that matter to you.

He has to go through this - either alone or with others who are going through it too. Unfortunately, the kind of support you have to offer - as well intentioned and sweet as it may be - isn't what he needs right now.

If there was ever a time in his life for him to be presented with the opportunity to start taking care of himself - today's the day and you've done it!