Is it unhealthy to shut the door on the past?
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Is it unhealthy to shut the door on the past?
AA says you should take personal inventory and make amends.
But when I was trying to write out all the bad things I did, I found it overwhelming. I just want to forget all that stuff. I've done so many really bad things but I have no intention of repeating them and I just want to move on with my life and not live in the past
is doing a step 4 essential to recovery?
But when I was trying to write out all the bad things I did, I found it overwhelming. I just want to forget all that stuff. I've done so many really bad things but I have no intention of repeating them and I just want to move on with my life and not live in the past
is doing a step 4 essential to recovery?
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Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hey FF
Are you doing this with a sponsor? Its the sponsors job to guide you - I can see how overwhelming it might get doing it yourself.
D
Are you doing this with a sponsor? Its the sponsors job to guide you - I can see how overwhelming it might get doing it yourself.
D
Maybe it's just my paranoia
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Originally Posted by freedomfries
But when I was trying to write out all the bad things I did, I found it overwhelming. I just want to forget all that stuff. I've done so many really bad things but I have no intention of repeating them and I just want to move on with my life and not live in the past
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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Originally Posted by freedomfries
I feel like I can't trust anyone enough to be my sponsor.
Maybe it's just my paranoia
Maybe it's just my paranoia
Paranoia...or fear?
In any case, for exactly the reasons you're finding, it's pretty hard to do a step four and five on your own from what I understand.
maybe some AA folks here will give you some pointers to study guides etc?
D
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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I went to counselling for a long, long time. It was instrumental in coming to terms with who I was, who I am and with my past. Maybe some support for you would be a good idea. A sponsor, counsellor, something online? You don't have to sit with all that horrible stuff forever, you can move on.
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Originally Posted by Gabe1980
I went to counselling for a long, long time. It was instrumental in coming to terms with who I was, who I am and with my past. Maybe some support for you would be a good idea. A sponsor, counsellor, something online? You don't have to sit with all that horrible stuff forever, you can move on.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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“We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it”. (AA) If you can’t trust a sponsor then share your stuff with a mental health professional if possible. Working through past trauma was essential for me to fully recover. It is freeing to have no skeletons in the closet in my experience.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
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Do you like living in pain? Emotional pain. If you like it, don't work a 4th step with a sponsor and carry on. You may pick up a drink or you may not.
Work those steps with a sponsor who knows how to guide someone through the steps, take one day or 4-6 hours the night before you meet with your sponsor to discuss the 5th step, and follow with 6 & 7 immediately. You will have freedom, relief and little to no pain and you will be able to look everyone in the eye! Priceless.
No, you don't have to work any steps, if you don't want to.
p.s. you don't trust a sponsor because you don't trust yourself.
Work those steps with a sponsor who knows how to guide someone through the steps, take one day or 4-6 hours the night before you meet with your sponsor to discuss the 5th step, and follow with 6 & 7 immediately. You will have freedom, relief and little to no pain and you will be able to look everyone in the eye! Priceless.
No, you don't have to work any steps, if you don't want to.
p.s. you don't trust a sponsor because you don't trust yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I think that's a very cold way to say it. I would expand that to say, I didn't trust a sponsor because they're just another drunk with their own issues AND no one keeps their mouths shut...
The problem with the 4th and 5th Steps done with a random person in AA is that you can't take it back and these are people in your community. People will talk. I think if I were to do a 5th Step it would be with a counselor or member of the clergy or a nun. Someone with whom I had no ongoing relationship. Someone who understands human nature and who will not make it worse.
The problem with the 4th and 5th Steps done with a random person in AA is that you can't take it back and these are people in your community. People will talk. I think if I were to do a 5th Step it would be with a counselor or member of the clergy or a nun. Someone with whom I had no ongoing relationship. Someone who understands human nature and who will not make it worse.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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freedomfries,
It does get better...in time I forgave myself for my missteps of the past. Everyone has regrets, and they don't have to be an alcoholic to rack up a bunch of regrets.
I don't think your past is any worse than any other person's. I've heard it said, "Don't compare your insides to other peoples' outsides." Just because someone looks like they have it all together...
I know I have a lot in my past that I wish didn't happen. It did. I accept that I can't change it.
I'm okay with that. I won't do those things again, so they served a purpose.
It does get better...in time I forgave myself for my missteps of the past. Everyone has regrets, and they don't have to be an alcoholic to rack up a bunch of regrets.
I don't think your past is any worse than any other person's. I've heard it said, "Don't compare your insides to other peoples' outsides." Just because someone looks like they have it all together...
I know I have a lot in my past that I wish didn't happen. It did. I accept that I can't change it.
I'm okay with that. I won't do those things again, so they served a purpose.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
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I didn't work the steps but my mind put me through a similar exercise. I kept remembering the horrible things people had done to me. Some of the things I remembered didn't even bother me but my mind forced me to think about it. Finally, my mind showed me I had behaved in similar ways to other people. After a couple of these instances matching like for like I got the point. I was really bad at "letting things go." That inability also applied to me. I didn't have the mental strength at that point to look solely at my own mistakes but I could point out other people's. I thought things I had done were a part of me. It was easier for me to forgive someone else than myself so I had to work it backward instead of listing the bad things I had done. Behaving badly is just actions, they're not who a person is; people grow and change. If I wanted to be forgiven for my lapses of judgment I had to forgive others for theirs.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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Hey freedom fries.
I have never seen anywhere in the Big Book where it says we have to write out all the bad stuff we have done.
Step 4 is where we put on paper all our resentments towards people, places and things t isn't until step 5 that we share our step 4 with God and another human being. It doesn't even have to be anyone in AA. It isn'tt until step 8 that we make a list of all persons we have harmed.
Have you done steps 1 2 and 3 yet?
I would suggest you find someone who you feel had a good message and works a good programme and ask them to guide you through the steps . Trying to do it my way didn't turn out very well for me 🤣🤣
In my own experience of working steps 4-9 I was able to face my past, clear up the wreckage, make amends and I received so much freedom. By forgiving others I was able to forgive myself for the things I did and I understand that todag I wasn't an inherently bad person, just very very sick.
How far you are willing to go depends on how free you wish to be.
❤🙏❤🙏
I have never seen anywhere in the Big Book where it says we have to write out all the bad stuff we have done.
Step 4 is where we put on paper all our resentments towards people, places and things t isn't until step 5 that we share our step 4 with God and another human being. It doesn't even have to be anyone in AA. It isn'tt until step 8 that we make a list of all persons we have harmed.
Have you done steps 1 2 and 3 yet?
I would suggest you find someone who you feel had a good message and works a good programme and ask them to guide you through the steps . Trying to do it my way didn't turn out very well for me 🤣🤣
In my own experience of working steps 4-9 I was able to face my past, clear up the wreckage, make amends and I received so much freedom. By forgiving others I was able to forgive myself for the things I did and I understand that todag I wasn't an inherently bad person, just very very sick.
How far you are willing to go depends on how free you wish to be.
❤🙏❤🙏
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: Eastern US
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FF, I would highly recommend a private counselor then. Some are cheaper than others depending on where they are at in their careers. Either way talking to someone is great and who knows what they can help you with. A good counselor will have you walking out amazed.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 464
A therapy program helped me. It was a medical program which included group therapy.
Therapist was a recovered alcoholic and group consisted of all alcoholics, although some battled prescription drug issues as well
It was reassuring to me to meet with the same faces month after month. We all supported each other, and could speak freely. I think we all felt comfortable, because we had a medical therapist leading each meeting.
I had mixed emotions when I finished the program. It was kind of sad to leave the group, yet I had made it 1 year AF.
Made many friends there, a few of which I still keep in contact with.
Maybe you could locate such a program in your area?
Therapist was a recovered alcoholic and group consisted of all alcoholics, although some battled prescription drug issues as well
It was reassuring to me to meet with the same faces month after month. We all supported each other, and could speak freely. I think we all felt comfortable, because we had a medical therapist leading each meeting.
I had mixed emotions when I finished the program. It was kind of sad to leave the group, yet I had made it 1 year AF.
Made many friends there, a few of which I still keep in contact with.
Maybe you could locate such a program in your area?
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 184
I did some incredibly stupid, dangerous things, but at the end of the day, I didn't kill anyone, or hurt anyone physically, luckily. I'm for shutting the door on the past. Unless it's helpful to get over trauma (even then I'm skeptical) I don't see the point in consciously going over it. I mean - considering if you drink alcoholically, which is legal and often encouraged, you're actually but chronically ill.
Is that passing the buck? That's how I tend to feel now fairly in sobriety, and with past bad behavior coming to mind with no help of listing it!
Is that passing the buck? That's how I tend to feel now fairly in sobriety, and with past bad behavior coming to mind with no help of listing it!
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Originally Posted by freedomfries
is doing a step 4 essential to recovery?
Follow your gut and don't let guilt be your guide.
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