Ann

Here goes a familiar story....

I just got a call from my son, who was supposed to come over tonight for a visit, and he has relapsed.

I can't say I am surprised - I posted on Monday about his request for money for a "prescription", which is an old ploy of his (and I didn't bite), but I knew he was heading for trouble even then.

He has called his sponsor, and says he will call me back after he talks to him, but he just wanted to let me know that he was okay.

I asked him if he would be able to get back in to the "clean house "where he has been living (duh...why do you think they call it a "clean" house) and he said that he didn't know.

I just know that when he calls back he will ask to stay here until he finds another place....and I know that I have to say NO. I just cannot put myself back in that position again. His alternative will probably be to go to a hostel and that breaks my heart.

I think I will suggest "detox", which will give him a place to stay while he makes another arrangement, but I don't know if he can get in or if he will go...and I know that is his problem not mine.

I know the drill...I just hate the army!!! Don't know why I am posting this, except maybe to get a whack with the skillet BEFORE I do something stupid. Start whacking ladies (and gents).
And maybe a hug, because I sure could use one.

Love you all for being here.

I'll keep you posted.

Morning Glory

Ann,

I'm here hugging you and supporting you. You are strong and have the tools to work with. You are inteligent and will make the right decision.

You know your son and know how to deal with his addiction. Take it a step at a time and breathe in between.

I'm here, keep posting.

I'm sorry this is happening again.

I'm praying for both of you.

Hugs,

MG

Kitty

Dear Ann,
You already know the right thing to do with your son. My heart goes out to you as I can only imagine having a child in trouble. The pain must be 10000000000000000000000% worse than anything an A spouse can bring. I would do anything for my kids. It really takes strength to say NO. It looks like you have that strengthand the wisdom to say NO. You have come so far with him...don't slip back.
Love, hugs and prayers to you
Kitty

Ann

Thanks MG

It is comforting just to have someone around who understands. I know what I have to do, and I am so grateful for that, but I really did forget how much it hurts. Ouch. This just rips my heart out, and I thought I was stronger than this. I probably am and just can't see it right now.

I do know that this will pass, and I will survive...where did I put my helmet? That is the good news. And if I were replying to this post I would tell me to do something nice for myself, and I will, but not just yet, first I have to cry a little. And I will find something to distract me enough to not obsess.

I haven't heard back from him yet, and I may not hear from him tonight if he isn't finished his relapse. I keep thinking of him going back to jail, so I will also stop thinking so much. I remember Ogly telling me (so wisely) to stop second guessing and just take it as it happens.

Hang on...I need a little vent here:beerchug: :asmd: :camper:

There, that feels better.

I am so grateful for all the strength I have found here the past several months. And good friends like you who can help walk me through this

Love you all.

Ann

And thank you Kitty

I missed your post while I was replying. I'm sure i will be okay, I just hate feeling this pain again and again. But it isn't as bad as it was, so that is a good thing.

krazeegirl

******************{anns}}}}}}}}}}

im so sorry. my heart broke when i read your post. but i know you will be ok. i cant begin to imagine how it must be to have the 'a' as a child. i hope i never have to.

you are the strongest person ive ever 'met'. even through your dark times, you are always there for us. and we are here for you.

stay strong.

krazee

Morning Glory

Ann,

It takes strength to feel your pain and it takes courage to do the things that will add to that pain.

Strength does not mean that we go through life without pain. It means that we don't run from the pain. It means that we continue with our lives with the pain. We enjoy each day for what it holds.

Faith is believing in what we cannot see. Trust is turning it over.

You are strong Ann and you have so much courage. This is not a good time to be hard on yourself. I will whack you with the skillet if you continue to beat yourself up for feeling compasion and emotions concerning someone you love.

Lots of Hugs,

MG

Ann

Thanks Krazeegirl, we are here for each other, and that is a blessing.

And MG - thank you for the reminder. You know, I have been feeling so numb that I totally forgot to pray and turn it over? Imagine that...me..the "angel"...forgetting "Him". Well I know He doesn't forget me, so I am handing the whole rotten mess over because I am not the "Keeper of the Plan", and I don't want to be!!

It's funny, just as he called I was about to post a poem on the"inspirations" board and now that I sit here and read it, it really hits home. So I am going to post it instead of sitting here moping.

Did I tell you guys anytime in the last 10 minutes that I love you all? Well I do. Thanks!!

Morning Glory

We all love you too Ann.

You are one great person.

I tried to find your huggy bears for you, but was unsuccessful. Imagine that.


So post your huggy bears for yourself. That's a start.


Hugs,

MG

Ann

I almost couldn't find my huggy bears...just not my night.

But here they are so big hugs for all of us!!!! I'll keep hugging and stop waiting for him to call.

Morning Glory

There they are. Where were they hiding.

Here's a link to keep you busy for a few minutes. I posted some new images on Imagine Peace too.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=4095

Morning Glory

Do you ever feel like a crash test dummy?

<bgsound src="http://mgc8.virtualave.net/Midi/Crash_Test_Dummies-Mmm_Mmm_Mmm_Mmm.mid">

<img src="http://www.netaxs.com/~testd/testdummy_*****.jpg">

Ann

I love the new "Imagine Peace" pictures. They really do make me relax. I am such a "water" person, I have always found my serenity anywhere that has water. Maybe because I grew up on the shores of Lake Huron (big, blue and beautiful).

And I read your thread, which was a terrific reminder for me to handle only small pieces and only when I was ready.

I am going to bed (its going on 1 am here) and I really do feel much better. The "panic" has gone, the numbness has left too and now I am just plain worn out, so will probably sleep well.

And tomorrow is another day, Scarlett.

I really mean it when I say "thank you". I honestly know that I will be okay, and that I just have to keep moving and live my life.

Love you all.

Morning Glory

Good Night Ann,

See you tomorrow,


MG

Miracle In The Making

There is a miracle in the making,
When your heart seems to be aching.

Though we cannot see God's hand,
We can be assured He has a plan.

Sometimes we face things beyond our control,
But, God knows the longings of our soul.

A part of faith is trusting and believing that God will do,
As you let go knowing He will work for you.

When we look beyond the problems and put them in His care,
We know without a doubt that He will meet us there.

When you have nothing but faith to get you through,
Remember, God is working a miracle for you.

mo

HI everybody

MG that Miracle in the Making is so beautiful!! Thank you for posting that. Got my tears going early this morning before I go to work.

Anns please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers today.
That disease is always lurking. .ready to pounce at anytime.

Lots of times I send my guardian angel to watch over my daughter. That sometimes helps me.

I still haven't heard from my daughter. Yesterday I woke up thinking I heard her calling me in the most sorrowful voice "Mom". .I know I have to be careful not to let my imagination torture me. And as MG says easier said than done.


Love you all and sending hugs.

Mo

Ann

Thanks MG - I am going to carry that poem with me today. It is really beautiful and I know it is true.

And Mo - We just have to trust that life is happening just the way it is supposed to be. There is a reason for everything that happens and I usually find that there is a gift in here somewhere, a gift of strength and experience that will take us all to a better place.

I'm going to work and I am grateful for a job that I enjoy and I am also grateful that it is Friday and I can relax over the weekend. I feel a little better today...it's amazing that by the light of day things always look better.

Thank you all for being here. I just wish that my son would learn to connect with recovery people and support when he feels the relapse coming on. It might save us all a lot of grief. I know that it helped me through a tough night.

Have a great day evreyone.

JT

(((((Anns))))))

It broke my heart when up got this morn and saw your topic....and you sound just like me. You know the drill and it does help...tomorrow...but it still hurts so much today.

When I took my son to the train I was a wreck for the entire day..as bad or worse than ever...but it does pass quicker now than it did before.

Sometimes it makes me angry that I have to do all of these things for myself to keep myself sane...but what is the alternative? Going back to that place where we were when we first hit the doors of Al Anon is not an option so we keep doing what we need to do to stay sane.

You sound like your intuition was telling you what was about to happen and you also sound like you know what a miracle that is, as do I...so you were given a bit of time to hunt for your survival kit before you picked up the phone and smelled peanut breath...

I will not tell you that you will be fine...I will not tell you that you know the drill..I will not tell you that this too shall pass...what I will tell you is that I wish you were here so I could hug you and cry with you...like you have with me...

smoke gets in my eyes

Good Morning Ann...
And I hope it is a good morning.

I guess you're feeling like all that progress has been snatched away from you. It hasn't. There are things you've decided you won't do for him. He knows what they are. You seem to be living in a dilemna that hasn't happened. He has not asked to stay with you. The fact that he didn't assume right away that he could is a sign that you have both learned something. You have boundaries and he does not take them as lightly as he once did. That's a victory.

It's okay to be ticked off. It's okay to be sad. The frenzy is what you have to get under control. It means you're asking unanswerable questions. "how?" "why?" "what if?" A technical director I worked with once, when up against and insurmountable deadline said "I'm not panicking. Panic helps you get things done, and I KNOW I can't get it done." What ever "it" is, you can't get it done. If there is a crisis, it belongs to your son. He's been around the block with this, and he knows what his options are. Love him, but don't try to live for him. That includes trying to figure out what his next move will/should be. Let go.

You are in my heart, and my thoughts.
Love,
Smoke

Ann

Thanks JT

Could I borrow your helmet, I seem to have misplaced mine.

I know we talked before about how this could be a lifetime thing, and I know I will not live the precious rest of my lifetime in fear and pain. And I will not go back to where I was when I hit the doors of recovery. Denial is no longer an option - when I try to hide there I find Someone moved it. And I say "thank you God".

I will be okay, thanks to everything I have learned the first 102 years of my life. And I will not isolate or hang out in the depths of despair, I will be making a few calls to healthy friends, and make a plan for some quiet fun this weekend. There is a great "Blues Festival" happening at harbourfront (by Lake Ontario) this weekend and my she-devil sponsor loves blues, so maybe we will take a walk down there and catch some music.

I always tell people here to do something fun to help the better feelings flow, but I didn't realize that it can be hard work just to make that call or go do something. But do it I will!!!

And I will be thinking of you and Ward on "The Duck" this evening. Have a wonderful time and give Ward a big hug for me.
Tell him I'm still waiting for some of those Illinois steaks.

Ann

Morning Smoke

Thanks for your kind thoughts. And you are right...he did not ask to come home. I believe that it is a blessing that he knows and respects my boundaries.

I know what I need to do and i will do it. And I will survive.

I think this all caught me a little unprepared, but as JT said, my instinct was way ahead of me, and that did help a lot.

And you know what...I didn't even have the "why" "how" what ifs" at all. I know the answer to all of these and that is a gift that recovery has given me. But, as I told MG, it took me a couple of hours to remember to pray and turn it over. That was a big surprise to me. What WAS I thinking.

I will be truly fine. A little healing is in order, but I will recharge my spiritual batteries and just keep going. And today will still be a beautiful day, I'll just have to look a little closer.

Hope you are getting some rest and taking care of yourself too. You deserve it!!!

Have a great weekend.