New here need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 17
New here need advice
I've known my husband for 14 years, been married for 10. When we met, we were both alcoholics, we both drank in the evenings after work and we both had successful careers. He, beer, me, wine.
I decided after having our second child that it was time for me to grow up and quit drinking. During each pregnancy, I quit smoking and drinking. After our first child was born, I started again after 4-5 months. First smoking, then drinking wine again. I quit both again after finding out I was pregnant again (which was surprisingly easier to quit the second time) and about 5-6 months after our second was born, I started drinking again. I succeeded in quitting smoking, but still had the wine every night. After getting bad sick on a hangover one morning, I decided to stop. I had to be responsible for my babies and couldn't see myself continuing as an alcoholic.
I grew up with 2 addict parents and it was hell. I absolutely did not want to do that to our children. I quit cold turkey and haven't looked back. I had one slip up 4 years ago and I knew the next morning I had made a terrible mistake. I haven't touched it since.
(Sorry for the length) The issue is with my spouse. He never stopped drinking or smoking and has became very angry with me for quitting. His drinking buddy went away and was replaced by the sober me, which he does not like as much. I hate to phrase it that way, but it is the truth, he's even told me as much.
When we met, he drank 8-10 beers a night and I drank 2-3 glasses of wine a night. It started increasing a lot after I quit and over the years, it has increased to 18+ and he is sipping whiskey on the sly.
He hides the bottles and pretends that he isnt. If I say anything about the drinking or that maybe he should cut back or seek help, he gets defensive and upset and usually gaslights me into an argument so we don't have to talk about 'that' anymore. Which I took the bait for a long time. I leave the area now when he starts trying to pick a fight.
He believes that because I was able to quit drinking without professional help, that he should be able to as well. I've tried to explain that because I didn't drink during either pregnancy, that could have contributed to why it was easier for me to quit. He doesn't agree. So I stopped trying to talk with him about seeking help. It only causes a fight.
Instead, I had been trying to talk to him about the long term health damage to his body and the effect it can have on the children and our relationship. This also causes a fight.
I have just totally pissed him off by trying to help (maybe I didn't address it the right way) and I have not been able to talk to him about it at all. In fact I can't talk to him about anything.
Conversation with him is strained at best and I am constantly walking around on eggshells. He is not comfortable with me either. His self esteem is very, very low and anything that is construed as negative can turn into a fight lightening quick. I love him still and I worry about his health more than anything.
He also grew up in an addiction household (both parents and older siblings) and he struggled with narcotics in his youth before we met.
We are now very distant with each other, every time a major desicion needs to be made, it turns into an argument. He is depressed, sulky, and every thing we say (children included) is perceived as a veiled insult or slight against him in some way.
He wakes up late for work, is hungover every day, his hands shake, his body aches and he gets angry and confused very quickly. He also forgets major events and conversations that we have, which leads to fights because he thinks, that we think he is stupid because he can't remember something.
Now I nor the children have ever called him that, but he says all the time that everyone thinks he is stupid or treats him like he is stupid. I try constantly to reassure him, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Lately all I get is negative feedback anytime I talk to him, almost like he is afraid of talking to me, and he goes on about how I'm going to leave him one day. I've never even hinted at that either.
I've drawn a line in the sand about his drinking though, what I will and will not tolerate. I've given up all of my friends because of his disapproval, but I refuse to give up my activities. So, he is attacking those now too. Lately, he has been taking off his wedding ring in front of me and now hasn't been wearing it for a couple of weeks. He says it's uncomfortable.
He will snuggle up to me at night and apologize for something he said or did earlier in the day, then I forget it happened the next day. I am constantly apologizing to him for things I didn't do or say to keep the peace.
He tells me that I'm trying to control him by always telling him that he is wrong or, I'm being a bitch if I say something he doesn't want to hear. I have been doing a lot of research on how to communicate with him in this state and I am very gentle with my words and I often find myself pausing to think about how to respond. But I do get frustrated and tired of being the punching bag and I did get into an argument with him the other night.
For example, he asked if he could practice guitar in the house since it was pouring in the garage. I said I didn't mind at all and we made a space for everything. He started playing and I was watching a movie on my phone,so I had headphones on.
I looked up from the movie and he was just sitting there staring at me. Then, he got upset because I wasn't paying attention to him while he played and stormed out. He came back in a few minutes later and was loudly putting his stuff away. I asked him what was wrong and he said that I won't let him do anything and that he was sorry for bugging us and he left. He went to go sulk by himself for over 30 minutes before coming back in and apologized for bothering us.
It's bad. I don't know what to do, or say and I feel like I'm living with a stranger. He spends all his free time out in the garage and drinking. But then gets mad at me if I go soak in the tub. Or take the children to the park, it makes no sense.
If anyone can relate, I would love to hear from you. Any advice would be welcome. Thank you so much for reading this rant.
I decided after having our second child that it was time for me to grow up and quit drinking. During each pregnancy, I quit smoking and drinking. After our first child was born, I started again after 4-5 months. First smoking, then drinking wine again. I quit both again after finding out I was pregnant again (which was surprisingly easier to quit the second time) and about 5-6 months after our second was born, I started drinking again. I succeeded in quitting smoking, but still had the wine every night. After getting bad sick on a hangover one morning, I decided to stop. I had to be responsible for my babies and couldn't see myself continuing as an alcoholic.
I grew up with 2 addict parents and it was hell. I absolutely did not want to do that to our children. I quit cold turkey and haven't looked back. I had one slip up 4 years ago and I knew the next morning I had made a terrible mistake. I haven't touched it since.
(Sorry for the length) The issue is with my spouse. He never stopped drinking or smoking and has became very angry with me for quitting. His drinking buddy went away and was replaced by the sober me, which he does not like as much. I hate to phrase it that way, but it is the truth, he's even told me as much.
When we met, he drank 8-10 beers a night and I drank 2-3 glasses of wine a night. It started increasing a lot after I quit and over the years, it has increased to 18+ and he is sipping whiskey on the sly.
He hides the bottles and pretends that he isnt. If I say anything about the drinking or that maybe he should cut back or seek help, he gets defensive and upset and usually gaslights me into an argument so we don't have to talk about 'that' anymore. Which I took the bait for a long time. I leave the area now when he starts trying to pick a fight.
He believes that because I was able to quit drinking without professional help, that he should be able to as well. I've tried to explain that because I didn't drink during either pregnancy, that could have contributed to why it was easier for me to quit. He doesn't agree. So I stopped trying to talk with him about seeking help. It only causes a fight.
Instead, I had been trying to talk to him about the long term health damage to his body and the effect it can have on the children and our relationship. This also causes a fight.
I have just totally pissed him off by trying to help (maybe I didn't address it the right way) and I have not been able to talk to him about it at all. In fact I can't talk to him about anything.
Conversation with him is strained at best and I am constantly walking around on eggshells. He is not comfortable with me either. His self esteem is very, very low and anything that is construed as negative can turn into a fight lightening quick. I love him still and I worry about his health more than anything.
He also grew up in an addiction household (both parents and older siblings) and he struggled with narcotics in his youth before we met.
We are now very distant with each other, every time a major desicion needs to be made, it turns into an argument. He is depressed, sulky, and every thing we say (children included) is perceived as a veiled insult or slight against him in some way.
He wakes up late for work, is hungover every day, his hands shake, his body aches and he gets angry and confused very quickly. He also forgets major events and conversations that we have, which leads to fights because he thinks, that we think he is stupid because he can't remember something.
Now I nor the children have ever called him that, but he says all the time that everyone thinks he is stupid or treats him like he is stupid. I try constantly to reassure him, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Lately all I get is negative feedback anytime I talk to him, almost like he is afraid of talking to me, and he goes on about how I'm going to leave him one day. I've never even hinted at that either.
I've drawn a line in the sand about his drinking though, what I will and will not tolerate. I've given up all of my friends because of his disapproval, but I refuse to give up my activities. So, he is attacking those now too. Lately, he has been taking off his wedding ring in front of me and now hasn't been wearing it for a couple of weeks. He says it's uncomfortable.
He will snuggle up to me at night and apologize for something he said or did earlier in the day, then I forget it happened the next day. I am constantly apologizing to him for things I didn't do or say to keep the peace.
He tells me that I'm trying to control him by always telling him that he is wrong or, I'm being a bitch if I say something he doesn't want to hear. I have been doing a lot of research on how to communicate with him in this state and I am very gentle with my words and I often find myself pausing to think about how to respond. But I do get frustrated and tired of being the punching bag and I did get into an argument with him the other night.
For example, he asked if he could practice guitar in the house since it was pouring in the garage. I said I didn't mind at all and we made a space for everything. He started playing and I was watching a movie on my phone,so I had headphones on.
I looked up from the movie and he was just sitting there staring at me. Then, he got upset because I wasn't paying attention to him while he played and stormed out. He came back in a few minutes later and was loudly putting his stuff away. I asked him what was wrong and he said that I won't let him do anything and that he was sorry for bugging us and he left. He went to go sulk by himself for over 30 minutes before coming back in and apologized for bothering us.
It's bad. I don't know what to do, or say and I feel like I'm living with a stranger. He spends all his free time out in the garage and drinking. But then gets mad at me if I go soak in the tub. Or take the children to the park, it makes no sense.
If anyone can relate, I would love to hear from you. Any advice would be welcome. Thank you so much for reading this rant.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Hi coping
Sorry what brought you here but glad you found us. I can totally relate what you are going through as can many of us here. First of all congrats on your own sobriety. Most people are not able to quit long term without help but it sound like you have done well.
As far as your husband goes....it doesn’t sound like he is not going to be able to quit drinking without professional help and that is only if he decides to quit drinking because HE wants to because otherwise he is not likely to be successful for long term sobriety/true recovery. And as you probably know, alcoholism is progressive so will only get worse. I don’t miss the days where my ex would soil the bed....didn’t realize at the time it was due to that but in retrospect that is what it totally was.
I was with my ex for 16 years, he quit several items on his own, it usually would last 2-3 months until he started drinking moderately again and then it would get worse again. In 2014 it got bad and he drove home completely wasted from the office where he had spent all day studying with his bottle of vodka. Needless to say I was beyond mad. We talked and he realized he was out of control and that he could never drink again and also claimed he finally understood how isolating it has been for me as well. He was very functional at work but would start drinking once he got home. He would drink on the sneaks of course and hard clear liquor because you can’t really smell it but I could tell by his behaviors. A few years before we had quit drinking at home mostly (we would always drink wine with dinner and have a drink after work) also because we were raising his nieces ) but he just drank on the sneaks and would get up in the middle of the night to drink some more. So he quit drinking that day and stayed clean for 13 months (minus narcotics he took from my niece a feet surgery but he fessed up to that). I had asked him to get help through his professional organization but he wanted to try one more time by himself. So he didn’t drink but he was what you call a dry drunk....someone who quit drinking but did not do the actual recovery work to change habits coping skills and address underlying psych issues (because there always are underlying psych diagnoses...simple social anxiety or super complicated things) so now they are still miserable but they no longer have their one coping skill. That year was not really much better. He was always tired, hated his job, rarely wanted to go to social events and of course I always covered for him...he was tired, was on call etc. no one here knew he was an alcoholic as he hid it well and he is is respected member in our community. And I was ashamed. The times he quit he also never admitted why, it was always because he was trying to lose weight and because of his blood pressure (Which surprise was high because of his drinking ). And then he started again. And someone realized, more or less subconsciously, that I had to let it go until he hit rock bottom. I started (again subconsciously) detaching myself and stared just doing things with my kid and didn’t care anymore if he participated or not. Things got bad and I was just getting more pissed off at him. We went on vacation to see my family, he was drunk for a good part of it and I ended up staying an extra 2 weeks without him (planned with my kid) and it was glorious....I knew I had to do something but didn’t want to before vacation as not to ruin it but once I got back I knew I could no longer go on like this. I gave him an ultimatum that I was ready to follow though with. I told him I would give him one more chance but that I could no longer do this and that he had to seek professional help. Otherwise I would leave (I had ever gotten to that point so I was actually that one that hit rock bottom). It worked but as he admitted later that was only because he had gotten to the point himself where he realized he could no longer go on like this he just need someone to give him that final push. That is the only reason the ultimatum worked. He got sent to rehab for 3 months (total surprise to us but he needed every single minute of it, not to quit drinking but to do meeting and counseling etc) got clean and kept up his end of the bargain. However, unfortunately I was done and I just didn’t realize it. Rehab was hard on us because it made things a lot worse between us and I ended up going no contact other than see him on the weekend with our kid and household stuff finances etc. I would no longer talk to him otherwise.we tried for 1.5 years after with marriage counseling but it was a lost cause mostly from my end. He was ready to move on but what he didn’t understand (and I don’t think he gets it really now) is that he damaged our relationship so much but I’m the only one that suffered because he doesn’t remember most of it. Me however, I lived every minute of it and remember it. We ended up splitting and I have zero regrets. I am glad he is clean (I was afraid to leave sooner because I could not trust him alone with my kid so I figured it was safer for me to stay than leave).
as far as your are concerned I would start by reading codependent no more as well as adult children of alcoholics. I ha no clue what codependency was until I read that book but holy cow could i relate! Once he went to rehab I started counseling and went weekly sometime more for 2 years until I moved out. Never knew how much I needed that. I’m one to keep everything inside of me and just make sure everyone else is happy and forget about myself like so many of us here. Alanon was less helpful for me so I only went a few times but I would still recommend checking it out and giving it a good try.
educate yourself about alcoholism. You will realize how little you really know about it (I’m a medical professional and I knew very little about it it turns out) but unless you understand it you will go crazy because alcoholics are master manipulators and gas-lighters and awesome at making themselves the victim and in turn we feel guilty and responsible.And OMG the pouting! Of course he is going to be mad at you. You are interfering with his drinking and he does not like that. My ex admitted In counseling that he left his first marriage in large part due to the fact that she was starting to interfere with his drinking but of course he made her out to be the bad guy.
You are not responsible for his feelings. He will turn it all on you even when it is not your fault. Communication between me and my ex got very bad the last few years. I had discussed something very important with him (he was also addicted to porn) and he minimized it and made me feel like I was the bad one. So I never talked about it again. Later in counseling I finally had the guts to bring it up (only took me a year with my personal counselor to talk to him about it and I trust him 200%) and found out he had zero recollection of ever having had that discussion, it was then that I wondered what he actually did remember of our marriage and relationship. I also learned that it is useless to have discussion with an addict because they will just turn it on you and they won’t remember later anyway. It makes for a very lonely marriage. Once I had given him then ultimatum I also told him it could no longer be a secret and he went crazy and called all of our friend ps to tell them which was not exactly the best way to go about it but it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders now that everyone knew. My behaviors now made sense to them.
I would recommend that you get individual counseling with someone that is familiar with addiction. Read codependent no more and adult children of alcoholics, see if you can find the documentary Pleasure Unwoven as it explains alcoholism very well in laymen’s terms. Check out alanon and start taking care of you and your kids (how old are they?). Don’t keep it a secret from your close friend. Don’t feel like you need to protect your husband by keeping it a secret. I wish I would’ve realized that sooner, He is an adult and will do what he will do. You have ZERO control over that. You can beg him to quit drinking until you are blue in the face but unless he wants to quit for him it will do no good whatsoever. If love could make people stop drinking none of us would be here. Start creating boundaries for you. Like if he is drunk you will take the kids and go stay at a friends house for example. Boundaries are to protect you, not rules for him to follow (because you cannot control another person). So if he comes to bed drunk, go sleep in the guest bedroom for example. Boundaries and detachment will help your sanity, it will do nothing for him but that is not the goal. Alanon will be a good way to meet other people who understand what you are going through. Unless people, have lived through this with a loved one they will not understand wat you are going through. Most people think that all he needs to do is quit and all is well. But that’s not how it works and no one will understand how much this has affected you and hire kids.
My kid was 6 when he quit, she remembers him being grumpy and tired all the time but did not understand why of course. But she certainly was affected by it. Keeping it a secret from your kids will not protect them, it will actually probably be worse for them, they know something isn’t right but don’t know what. They will make up their own truth which often is much worse and anxiety inducing than the truth.
you don’t need to make any decision ps today (unless you are not safe) so start taking care of you and take time to figure out where to go from here. Walking on eggshells is miserable but you cannot have a good productive conversation with an addict. He will continue to get worse, maybe lose his job, get a DUI which will be detrimental to the entire family. And of course his health will suffer. I’m currently seeing a 37 year old alcoholic who probably won’t be around much longer unless he quits. They all say they want to quit because they know that’s what you want to hear but words mean nothing, actions means everything.
Anyway, sorry about the long post. You ar in the right place to get support. All our stories are more or less the same. But get counseling, you will need it. It took me so long to ge to a point where I quit feeling sorry for him and started worrying about me instead. It won’t happens overnight.
Recovery is a hard and selfish process if done right. It will take at least a year to know how he is going to change (if he chose recovery that is). My ex is not a bad guy at all but he is no longer a person I want to be with. Quitting drinking changed him a lot, he had to change in order to stay sober. But he is no longer the person I fell in love with ( which in retrospect was not a great choice as that is not who he really was, because I never knew him sober).
Sorry what brought you here but glad you found us. I can totally relate what you are going through as can many of us here. First of all congrats on your own sobriety. Most people are not able to quit long term without help but it sound like you have done well.
As far as your husband goes....it doesn’t sound like he is not going to be able to quit drinking without professional help and that is only if he decides to quit drinking because HE wants to because otherwise he is not likely to be successful for long term sobriety/true recovery. And as you probably know, alcoholism is progressive so will only get worse. I don’t miss the days where my ex would soil the bed....didn’t realize at the time it was due to that but in retrospect that is what it totally was.
I was with my ex for 16 years, he quit several items on his own, it usually would last 2-3 months until he started drinking moderately again and then it would get worse again. In 2014 it got bad and he drove home completely wasted from the office where he had spent all day studying with his bottle of vodka. Needless to say I was beyond mad. We talked and he realized he was out of control and that he could never drink again and also claimed he finally understood how isolating it has been for me as well. He was very functional at work but would start drinking once he got home. He would drink on the sneaks of course and hard clear liquor because you can’t really smell it but I could tell by his behaviors. A few years before we had quit drinking at home mostly (we would always drink wine with dinner and have a drink after work) also because we were raising his nieces ) but he just drank on the sneaks and would get up in the middle of the night to drink some more. So he quit drinking that day and stayed clean for 13 months (minus narcotics he took from my niece a feet surgery but he fessed up to that). I had asked him to get help through his professional organization but he wanted to try one more time by himself. So he didn’t drink but he was what you call a dry drunk....someone who quit drinking but did not do the actual recovery work to change habits coping skills and address underlying psych issues (because there always are underlying psych diagnoses...simple social anxiety or super complicated things) so now they are still miserable but they no longer have their one coping skill. That year was not really much better. He was always tired, hated his job, rarely wanted to go to social events and of course I always covered for him...he was tired, was on call etc. no one here knew he was an alcoholic as he hid it well and he is is respected member in our community. And I was ashamed. The times he quit he also never admitted why, it was always because he was trying to lose weight and because of his blood pressure (Which surprise was high because of his drinking ). And then he started again. And someone realized, more or less subconsciously, that I had to let it go until he hit rock bottom. I started (again subconsciously) detaching myself and stared just doing things with my kid and didn’t care anymore if he participated or not. Things got bad and I was just getting more pissed off at him. We went on vacation to see my family, he was drunk for a good part of it and I ended up staying an extra 2 weeks without him (planned with my kid) and it was glorious....I knew I had to do something but didn’t want to before vacation as not to ruin it but once I got back I knew I could no longer go on like this. I gave him an ultimatum that I was ready to follow though with. I told him I would give him one more chance but that I could no longer do this and that he had to seek professional help. Otherwise I would leave (I had ever gotten to that point so I was actually that one that hit rock bottom). It worked but as he admitted later that was only because he had gotten to the point himself where he realized he could no longer go on like this he just need someone to give him that final push. That is the only reason the ultimatum worked. He got sent to rehab for 3 months (total surprise to us but he needed every single minute of it, not to quit drinking but to do meeting and counseling etc) got clean and kept up his end of the bargain. However, unfortunately I was done and I just didn’t realize it. Rehab was hard on us because it made things a lot worse between us and I ended up going no contact other than see him on the weekend with our kid and household stuff finances etc. I would no longer talk to him otherwise.we tried for 1.5 years after with marriage counseling but it was a lost cause mostly from my end. He was ready to move on but what he didn’t understand (and I don’t think he gets it really now) is that he damaged our relationship so much but I’m the only one that suffered because he doesn’t remember most of it. Me however, I lived every minute of it and remember it. We ended up splitting and I have zero regrets. I am glad he is clean (I was afraid to leave sooner because I could not trust him alone with my kid so I figured it was safer for me to stay than leave).
as far as your are concerned I would start by reading codependent no more as well as adult children of alcoholics. I ha no clue what codependency was until I read that book but holy cow could i relate! Once he went to rehab I started counseling and went weekly sometime more for 2 years until I moved out. Never knew how much I needed that. I’m one to keep everything inside of me and just make sure everyone else is happy and forget about myself like so many of us here. Alanon was less helpful for me so I only went a few times but I would still recommend checking it out and giving it a good try.
educate yourself about alcoholism. You will realize how little you really know about it (I’m a medical professional and I knew very little about it it turns out) but unless you understand it you will go crazy because alcoholics are master manipulators and gas-lighters and awesome at making themselves the victim and in turn we feel guilty and responsible.And OMG the pouting! Of course he is going to be mad at you. You are interfering with his drinking and he does not like that. My ex admitted In counseling that he left his first marriage in large part due to the fact that she was starting to interfere with his drinking but of course he made her out to be the bad guy.
You are not responsible for his feelings. He will turn it all on you even when it is not your fault. Communication between me and my ex got very bad the last few years. I had discussed something very important with him (he was also addicted to porn) and he minimized it and made me feel like I was the bad one. So I never talked about it again. Later in counseling I finally had the guts to bring it up (only took me a year with my personal counselor to talk to him about it and I trust him 200%) and found out he had zero recollection of ever having had that discussion, it was then that I wondered what he actually did remember of our marriage and relationship. I also learned that it is useless to have discussion with an addict because they will just turn it on you and they won’t remember later anyway. It makes for a very lonely marriage. Once I had given him then ultimatum I also told him it could no longer be a secret and he went crazy and called all of our friend ps to tell them which was not exactly the best way to go about it but it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders now that everyone knew. My behaviors now made sense to them.
I would recommend that you get individual counseling with someone that is familiar with addiction. Read codependent no more and adult children of alcoholics, see if you can find the documentary Pleasure Unwoven as it explains alcoholism very well in laymen’s terms. Check out alanon and start taking care of you and your kids (how old are they?). Don’t keep it a secret from your close friend. Don’t feel like you need to protect your husband by keeping it a secret. I wish I would’ve realized that sooner, He is an adult and will do what he will do. You have ZERO control over that. You can beg him to quit drinking until you are blue in the face but unless he wants to quit for him it will do no good whatsoever. If love could make people stop drinking none of us would be here. Start creating boundaries for you. Like if he is drunk you will take the kids and go stay at a friends house for example. Boundaries are to protect you, not rules for him to follow (because you cannot control another person). So if he comes to bed drunk, go sleep in the guest bedroom for example. Boundaries and detachment will help your sanity, it will do nothing for him but that is not the goal. Alanon will be a good way to meet other people who understand what you are going through. Unless people, have lived through this with a loved one they will not understand wat you are going through. Most people think that all he needs to do is quit and all is well. But that’s not how it works and no one will understand how much this has affected you and hire kids.
My kid was 6 when he quit, she remembers him being grumpy and tired all the time but did not understand why of course. But she certainly was affected by it. Keeping it a secret from your kids will not protect them, it will actually probably be worse for them, they know something isn’t right but don’t know what. They will make up their own truth which often is much worse and anxiety inducing than the truth.
you don’t need to make any decision ps today (unless you are not safe) so start taking care of you and take time to figure out where to go from here. Walking on eggshells is miserable but you cannot have a good productive conversation with an addict. He will continue to get worse, maybe lose his job, get a DUI which will be detrimental to the entire family. And of course his health will suffer. I’m currently seeing a 37 year old alcoholic who probably won’t be around much longer unless he quits. They all say they want to quit because they know that’s what you want to hear but words mean nothing, actions means everything.
Anyway, sorry about the long post. You ar in the right place to get support. All our stories are more or less the same. But get counseling, you will need it. It took me so long to ge to a point where I quit feeling sorry for him and started worrying about me instead. It won’t happens overnight.
Recovery is a hard and selfish process if done right. It will take at least a year to know how he is going to change (if he chose recovery that is). My ex is not a bad guy at all but he is no longer a person I want to be with. Quitting drinking changed him a lot, he had to change in order to stay sober. But he is no longer the person I fell in love with ( which in retrospect was not a great choice as that is not who he really was, because I never knew him sober).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
I believe it's called crazy. He's gone crazy. There's no reasoning with or understanding crazy. Continued alcohol abuse causes craziness.
Save yourself before you go crazy too. Apologizing for things you didn't say or do just to keep the peace with someone who is crazy is - C R A Z Y. Take care of the situation now while you still can. How might you save yourself and your children?
Don't wait.
Save yourself before you go crazy too. Apologizing for things you didn't say or do just to keep the peace with someone who is crazy is - C R A Z Y. Take care of the situation now while you still can. How might you save yourself and your children?
Don't wait.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi Copingwithit,
Sorry for what brings you hear, but I'm glad you found us. First off, know that you didn't Cause any of this and should not be apologizing to keep the peace. I did that a lot and it did more harm to me then it helped the situation in the long run. I though if i just apologize and get the conversation over things would get better. They did not. Why my wife did finally seek help, I finally figured out that I too need help. I started to focus on my self. To do things that made me happy. Something i had lost touch with, cause i was so focus on trying to keep the calm. I also joined Al-Anon this also helped me to know i was not the only person going through this.
You say you are living with a stranger. You are right. You are not living with the man you feel in love with so many years ago. You are living with a man whose brain has been changed due to alcohol and only knows one thing. How can i get that next drink. Since you don't drink anymore, you are a barrier for him to feel good about his drinking. His mind doesn't want that. It wants the quickest path to that drink. You cant Control It. He will do what he wants to do.
Finally you can't Cure it. He has to won't to get better. From the sounds of it, he does want to change. There is nothing you can say that will change him. With each day that he drinks it is only going to get worse. What you can do is to focus on yourself and keeping your kids safe. I know you love him and want to man you knew back, but he has to want to come back. Even then it's a long road to recovery.
Just keep remember those three c's You didn't cause it; You can't control it; and you can't cure it. Their is also a book a lot of people read on the forum Codependent No More. keep coming back here. There are a lot of great people here with lots of good advice and who have been through the same thing that you have been though. You are not alone in this. Keep you and the kids safe and keep being strong. Hope you have a great day.
Sorry for what brings you hear, but I'm glad you found us. First off, know that you didn't Cause any of this and should not be apologizing to keep the peace. I did that a lot and it did more harm to me then it helped the situation in the long run. I though if i just apologize and get the conversation over things would get better. They did not. Why my wife did finally seek help, I finally figured out that I too need help. I started to focus on my self. To do things that made me happy. Something i had lost touch with, cause i was so focus on trying to keep the calm. I also joined Al-Anon this also helped me to know i was not the only person going through this.
You say you are living with a stranger. You are right. You are not living with the man you feel in love with so many years ago. You are living with a man whose brain has been changed due to alcohol and only knows one thing. How can i get that next drink. Since you don't drink anymore, you are a barrier for him to feel good about his drinking. His mind doesn't want that. It wants the quickest path to that drink. You cant Control It. He will do what he wants to do.
Finally you can't Cure it. He has to won't to get better. From the sounds of it, he does want to change. There is nothing you can say that will change him. With each day that he drinks it is only going to get worse. What you can do is to focus on yourself and keeping your kids safe. I know you love him and want to man you knew back, but he has to want to come back. Even then it's a long road to recovery.
Just keep remember those three c's You didn't cause it; You can't control it; and you can't cure it. Their is also a book a lot of people read on the forum Codependent No More. keep coming back here. There are a lot of great people here with lots of good advice and who have been through the same thing that you have been though. You are not alone in this. Keep you and the kids safe and keep being strong. Hope you have a great day.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
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Originally Posted by Copingwithit 
I have just totally pissed him off by trying to help...
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Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 17
Thank you for your support on this. I've made a decision to start the step back approach with him as engaging seems to make the situation worse. How should I respond to his tantrums when he feels that I am ignoring him?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Copiingwithit------I think that what you are talking about is called Distancing. It is a technique that can buy you some time and space for yourself from the chaos and conflict----It can allow you to disentangle yourself from the alcoholic/addict, to a degree. This will allow you have some peace of mind, in order to be able to think more clearly, and devote more time to focus on yourself and your needs. This Distancing can be combined with some personal boundaries for yourself. For example---if your boundary for yourself is that you won't be around him when he is drunk---you might leave the house, or go to the other room, or engage in some activity separate from him---like walk the dog or clean out your closets--lol. You can also not engage in useless verbal exchanges or arguments---for example, if he makes an outrageous statement or accusation---you might just say "I[ll give that some thought". "You might have an opinion' or "that is a novel idea". (Use the JADE method).
Please be mindful. that. Distancing is just one tool. I think of it as. mostly, a temporary technique---as, distancing alone will not fix the relationship or the alcoholism. It is for a temporary respit, in my opinion. Like a hammer, which is a wonderful tool---one cannot build a whole house with only a hammer.
Copingwithit----if you are interested in the JADE method, please ask me to describe it.
During the Distancing technique---it is important to devote the time to gain more of a support system for your own self. To spend time studying and self examination----there is soooo much to learn.
Please be mindful. that. Distancing is just one tool. I think of it as. mostly, a temporary technique---as, distancing alone will not fix the relationship or the alcoholism. It is for a temporary respit, in my opinion. Like a hammer, which is a wonderful tool---one cannot build a whole house with only a hammer.
Copingwithit----if you are interested in the JADE method, please ask me to describe it.
During the Distancing technique---it is important to devote the time to gain more of a support system for your own self. To spend time studying and self examination----there is soooo much to learn.
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Copingwithit----I forgot to tell you that the distancing technique is recommended only if he has not been aggressive or violent with you. Physical violence is a whole different matter---and it is best to talk to someone at the local domestic violence center or organization--and/or go online and study the "cycle of violence"
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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No, he is not physically violent towards us. He does play the victim if I don't do what he wants or give him all of my attention. Very passive/aggressive. He does have depression and very low self esteem, which he does project on me a lot of and he will get upset and make sarcastic comments or compare me to other people's wives if it's don't sit and listen or agree with him.
I am interested in learning more about the JADE method. I have to step back and assess the situation. What do I need and want to do as my situation is not good for me right now. I have no job and no where to go (my extended family is not a safe environment as they are also addicts).
I have to make a plan for the future and for our children and I need some time to myself in order to figure everything out.
I am interested in learning more about the JADE method. I have to step back and assess the situation. What do I need and want to do as my situation is not good for me right now. I have no job and no where to go (my extended family is not a safe environment as they are also addicts).
I have to make a plan for the future and for our children and I need some time to myself in order to figure everything out.
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Copingwithit------basically, the JADE method is a way to avoid getting sucked into stupid or fruitless arguments. It is to help you save your mental energies or getting sucked into an escalating conflict.
Like when he makes a sarcastic remark or condescending remark or is just looking for an argument.
JADE says that you do not need to do any of the following, as a reaction to him.
You do not need to do the following (unless you actually want to).
J---justify yourself
A----argue back
D----defend yourself or your actions
E----explanations ---especially lengthy ones,
Many alcoholics love to argue or start conflict to take the attention off of themselves and their drinking and put the spotlight onto someone or something else. *****Remember that you do not have to attend every argument that you are invited to. You do not always have to react back to him. Just to please nim. Actually, he can get happy in the same shoes that he got mad in. As my father used to say----"They can stay mad until they get glad".
In regard to his tantrums----what do you do when a toddler is having a tantrum---usually, the practice is to ignore them--- and distance yourself from the tantrum area---and/or distract them in some way.
The idea is not to make him happy and content----it is to give yourself some peace and some mental space---some rest.
Here are a couple of ideas that might help you. Around here, we talk about "Qiacking"----like a duck. It helps you to keep distant if, when stupid or ridiculous stuff comes out of his mouth----visualize him as a little quacking duck---quacking his heart out---lol. And just ignore it, like you would a little duck.
You have, likely, been trying to relate to him as if this were a normal healthy relationship----and, nothing about this is normal or healthy. You are dealing with alcoholism and a mind that is impaired by the alcohol.
***You will probably need to begin growing a thicker skin---like that of a rhino. This will help you from taking things so personally and allow you to distance yourself from his ridiculous, cruel and immature onslaughts. It is not your job to please him----it is your job to take care of your own best welfare and that of your childrem.
Like when he makes a sarcastic remark or condescending remark or is just looking for an argument.
JADE says that you do not need to do any of the following, as a reaction to him.
You do not need to do the following (unless you actually want to).
J---justify yourself
A----argue back
D----defend yourself or your actions
E----explanations ---especially lengthy ones,
Many alcoholics love to argue or start conflict to take the attention off of themselves and their drinking and put the spotlight onto someone or something else. *****Remember that you do not have to attend every argument that you are invited to. You do not always have to react back to him. Just to please nim. Actually, he can get happy in the same shoes that he got mad in. As my father used to say----"They can stay mad until they get glad".
In regard to his tantrums----what do you do when a toddler is having a tantrum---usually, the practice is to ignore them--- and distance yourself from the tantrum area---and/or distract them in some way.
The idea is not to make him happy and content----it is to give yourself some peace and some mental space---some rest.
Here are a couple of ideas that might help you. Around here, we talk about "Qiacking"----like a duck. It helps you to keep distant if, when stupid or ridiculous stuff comes out of his mouth----visualize him as a little quacking duck---quacking his heart out---lol. And just ignore it, like you would a little duck.
You have, likely, been trying to relate to him as if this were a normal healthy relationship----and, nothing about this is normal or healthy. You are dealing with alcoholism and a mind that is impaired by the alcohol.
***You will probably need to begin growing a thicker skin---like that of a rhino. This will help you from taking things so personally and allow you to distance yourself from his ridiculous, cruel and immature onslaughts. It is not your job to please him----it is your job to take care of your own best welfare and that of your childrem.
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Cooingwithit-----on another topic which your shared. Yes, I know and understand that there are many practical realities to your situation---and, you have children to consider, of course. This is a situation that many women/parents find themselves in. I, myself, divorced my husband---the father of my three young children (,many years ago)...and, I became a single mother for several years, until, I remarried, again. Looking back, I never have regretted that decision.
Here is what I would suggest, to you as some starting points-----call (privately and confidently) a worker at the local domestic violence organizaton. *****Don't get hung up on the title. You don't have to be hit to call them. There are many kinds of abuse that don't require physical hitting.**** You don't have to do anything that you don't want to---and, everything you say is confidential. These people tend to be very inderstanding and compassionate. The thing is, they work with these kinds of situations every day---and they often have resources at their fingertips that you may never have even thought of. They know of places to get financial help and child care and help with housing, food, transportation or job training or placement----as well as offering individual counseling and support groups. Just having them to talk to can be a relief. They may be able to help your to get legal advice of matters.
Another source of help----now, I am going to assume that you live in the States. Wherever you live. there will be a county government. You can google them. There will be various programs; that are designed to be of assistance----contact them and ask to see a social worker. The social worker can listen to you and help to offer or direct you to specific help---be it financial or otherwise.
At least, all of this can be considered as "information gathering'----and,the more you know, the better off you will be. Knowledge is power.
Here is what I would suggest, to you as some starting points-----call (privately and confidently) a worker at the local domestic violence organizaton. *****Don't get hung up on the title. You don't have to be hit to call them. There are many kinds of abuse that don't require physical hitting.**** You don't have to do anything that you don't want to---and, everything you say is confidential. These people tend to be very inderstanding and compassionate. The thing is, they work with these kinds of situations every day---and they often have resources at their fingertips that you may never have even thought of. They know of places to get financial help and child care and help with housing, food, transportation or job training or placement----as well as offering individual counseling and support groups. Just having them to talk to can be a relief. They may be able to help your to get legal advice of matters.
Another source of help----now, I am going to assume that you live in the States. Wherever you live. there will be a county government. You can google them. There will be various programs; that are designed to be of assistance----contact them and ask to see a social worker. The social worker can listen to you and help to offer or direct you to specific help---be it financial or otherwise.
At least, all of this can be considered as "information gathering'----and,the more you know, the better off you will be. Knowledge is power.
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Hi Copingwithit, sorry you are in such a tough situation.
Just to follow up on what Dandylion said, about the arguments, it is so true about the deflection. It must seem horribly puzzling to you that something that is "nothing" suddenly becomes a war, how did that happen! That's just all about making you the enemy (which as the person that doesn't like the drinking, you now are) and justifying the drinking.
If you are so awful, how can he not drink! If you are reasonable and polite, how can he justify his drinking?
Basically it has nothing to do with you and when you view it that way your life will get easier. Yes, he will probably still accuse you of ignoring his tirades (because you will be) but you do need to look after your own sanity. Arguing with someone when they are drunk is a complete waste of time (heck arguing with someone sober is usually a waste of time!).
Instead of agreeing with him to keep the peace, how about answering in a non committal way? "uh huh", "you may be right", "that's an interesting way of looking at it" etc.
More focus on you and your kiddies, less on him will help a lot. You need your help, they need your help, he's going to do whatever he wants to do.
Just to follow up on what Dandylion said, about the arguments, it is so true about the deflection. It must seem horribly puzzling to you that something that is "nothing" suddenly becomes a war, how did that happen! That's just all about making you the enemy (which as the person that doesn't like the drinking, you now are) and justifying the drinking.
If you are so awful, how can he not drink! If you are reasonable and polite, how can he justify his drinking?
Basically it has nothing to do with you and when you view it that way your life will get easier. Yes, he will probably still accuse you of ignoring his tirades (because you will be) but you do need to look after your own sanity. Arguing with someone when they are drunk is a complete waste of time (heck arguing with someone sober is usually a waste of time!).
Instead of agreeing with him to keep the peace, how about answering in a non committal way? "uh huh", "you may be right", "that's an interesting way of looking at it" etc.
More focus on you and your kiddies, less on him will help a lot. You need your help, they need your help, he's going to do whatever he wants to do.
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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I have been ignoring his accusations and have been distancing myself from him for the past couple of days. I will discuss things with him only when he is sober and ignore any condescending or irrational comments. But when he is drinking I will not discuss anything with him that is important. I have been giving only minimal responses and have been nothing but polite and respectful to him. He is obviously upset, the first night he spent all night pouting and basically gave me the silent treatment. Yesterday, I was listening to a pod cast about alcoholism and he rushed right up to my phone and wanted to see see 'what ***** that was'. I just went into the other room and he left to go get beer. Last night he tried to start with me and I just told him I'm not interested in talking about that and went silent. He stormed out and then went upstairs to go hang out with the children. Shortly after that, he went outside to pout some more and I have been ignoring his mumbling. He mumbles and says things under his breath to try and get me to ask him what he said and draw into a fight. He is very upset that didn't work and went to bed early, oh well.
I've been thinking a lot and reading, a lot. Educating myself as I never got any help for my addiction, I just stopped. My family never stopped using, they just got older and more intense. I had to cut them out of my life because of it and that is the possibility that I am facing here with my husband. I decided that I am not going to fight anymore. He will want to change or he won't. I can't waste anymore of my life worried about what he is going to do. I can't waste anymore breath on useless arguments and circular conversations. This is not my problem. I went through hell when I quit drinking and have apologized, hurt, healed and grown up. I learned so much about myself and why I did what I did and I'm in a much better place both mentally and emotionally. There are few things in life that I will associate the word hate to, but I hate alcohol! Even looking at the container reminds me of where I was and how far I have come and how I will never ever go back to that dark place.
It is an early grave that you dig yourself, and you can't tell the one with the shovel they are hurting themselves. They only see the hole. They may not even know why they are digging. I've realized after all this time I was not helping him, just giving him fuel to light his own fire. I'm taking away the matches. He needs to figure himself out, I can't do that for him. I needed a few days to sort everything out and decide what is best for me and what is best for the children. I will keep learning and reading and figuring it out.
Thank you all for your words and suggestions, this has really been an eye opener for me.
We have a lot of things planned for the next few weeks (children and I) to keep ourselves busy so he can go on doing what he does.
I've been thinking a lot and reading, a lot. Educating myself as I never got any help for my addiction, I just stopped. My family never stopped using, they just got older and more intense. I had to cut them out of my life because of it and that is the possibility that I am facing here with my husband. I decided that I am not going to fight anymore. He will want to change or he won't. I can't waste anymore of my life worried about what he is going to do. I can't waste anymore breath on useless arguments and circular conversations. This is not my problem. I went through hell when I quit drinking and have apologized, hurt, healed and grown up. I learned so much about myself and why I did what I did and I'm in a much better place both mentally and emotionally. There are few things in life that I will associate the word hate to, but I hate alcohol! Even looking at the container reminds me of where I was and how far I have come and how I will never ever go back to that dark place.
It is an early grave that you dig yourself, and you can't tell the one with the shovel they are hurting themselves. They only see the hole. They may not even know why they are digging. I've realized after all this time I was not helping him, just giving him fuel to light his own fire. I'm taking away the matches. He needs to figure himself out, I can't do that for him. I needed a few days to sort everything out and decide what is best for me and what is best for the children. I will keep learning and reading and figuring it out.
Thank you all for your words and suggestions, this has really been an eye opener for me.
We have a lot of things planned for the next few weeks (children and I) to keep ourselves busy so he can go on doing what he does.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Dandylion's suggestions about JADE and the quacking duck are great - i use them regularly.
Tantrums deserve no attention, unless he is in immediate danger.
I too drank with my ex-AH prior to having children on the weekends. I stopped drinking completely during my pregnancies and drink very little now. But I got to know him with alcohol greasing the wheels. Our lives changed when I became pregnant. The decision to have children was a joint one. I had to change. He did not.
Take away your partner's drinking, and the familiarity of your relationship and what is left? Do you still like this man?
This is a tough journey. Just take one step at a time. One thing that worked for me was to save some money for if, and when I would have to move out. That gave me some control. We're always here for you. X
Tantrums deserve no attention, unless he is in immediate danger.
I too drank with my ex-AH prior to having children on the weekends. I stopped drinking completely during my pregnancies and drink very little now. But I got to know him with alcohol greasing the wheels. Our lives changed when I became pregnant. The decision to have children was a joint one. I had to change. He did not.
Take away your partner's drinking, and the familiarity of your relationship and what is left? Do you still like this man?
This is a tough journey. Just take one step at a time. One thing that worked for me was to save some money for if, and when I would have to move out. That gave me some control. We're always here for you. X
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Join Date: Aug 2020
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That is what I am working on right now. Saving money and looking at all options. I am not sure if this is something that can be salvaged. I honestly do not know if I would love him as a sober person because I have never known him as a sober person. The longest he has ever gone without drinking in our relationship was 5 days. That was because of his work and he had to have daily breathalyzers taken. I was not around him, he was out of town and I spoke to him only on the phone and he was a right mess.
I have been going through every avenue and sat down to take a long, hard, uncomfortable look at this thing rationally and without emotion. He does not have a good support system. I do not have a good support system outside of a few friends. His family are all active alcoholics and my family are active users/addicts. If I stay, he will never quit because he has this reasoning in his head that since I did it without help so can he. He has always had a strong aversion to professional help and I have also had an aversion to counselors. This is my fault. I re-enforced that thought in him (not realizing it until later) over the years.
I was always the fixer, the person everyone looked to in my family, even as a teen I was the mediator for my folks drug induced fights. This left me an absolute emotional wreck and I went through counseling when I was a child/teen. We went through an intervention with my parents, it did not work. I was not interested in what the counselors had to say, so I rebelled against their help. I have told this story over and over to my AH in my drunken years and had actually convinced myself the counselors were the bad guys. So, now seeing the situation with sober eyes, I realized that wasn't the case. I just didn't want anyone to help our family anymore. Because when they tried to help, it made my folks very angry and crazy when they quit, and they would take it out on us, then always go back to using. As a child, in my eyes, the counselor was making it worse. I knew nothing about recovery and how bad it could be in the beginning. They told us it would be difficult, we as children were not informed properly, just hidden away by the grandparents for a few weeks and told they would be better the next time we saw them.
But his opinion of counselors hasn't changed and me being around re-enforces that. Not because I have said or done anything in the last few years, I am the reminder to him. Because he remembers my drunken view of my past.
Another factor which I have thought about thoroughly, is if I leave, he will probably not quit. The reason is his older brother. He drinks as much or more than AH does and has been drinking with him since they were teens. He is his support system. They work together and talk to each other on the phone just about every day. He has his own sad story and has been AH's best friend throughout his life. They were living together when we met. He has lived with us off and on over the years and brought his GF's over to stay with us. Been through a lot with him, both emotionally and financially. I've been told over the years that if something ever happens to us (AH and I) that it would be his bro that would take care of him. His brother has no plans of stopping and no one to tell him not to drink. In both their eyes, I am just the B wife who is controlling. Which is re-enforced every day by talking to his bachelor bro. It is a catch 22 situation and I am tired of being in the fray.
I am setting a time limit of one year. This will give me the time frame to save some money, work on myself and get mentally/emotionally prepared to leave if he does not change. This will also give me time to find a place, get my car paid off and get into a better financial situation where I can start working again. If I go back to work right now, he will most likely flip out as he sees me going back to work as a sign that I am going to leave him. I have been looking into telecommuting jobs, where I can work from home while he is out of town. This may not be viewed as quite as suspicious. I am still figuring things out.
I have been going through every avenue and sat down to take a long, hard, uncomfortable look at this thing rationally and without emotion. He does not have a good support system. I do not have a good support system outside of a few friends. His family are all active alcoholics and my family are active users/addicts. If I stay, he will never quit because he has this reasoning in his head that since I did it without help so can he. He has always had a strong aversion to professional help and I have also had an aversion to counselors. This is my fault. I re-enforced that thought in him (not realizing it until later) over the years.
I was always the fixer, the person everyone looked to in my family, even as a teen I was the mediator for my folks drug induced fights. This left me an absolute emotional wreck and I went through counseling when I was a child/teen. We went through an intervention with my parents, it did not work. I was not interested in what the counselors had to say, so I rebelled against their help. I have told this story over and over to my AH in my drunken years and had actually convinced myself the counselors were the bad guys. So, now seeing the situation with sober eyes, I realized that wasn't the case. I just didn't want anyone to help our family anymore. Because when they tried to help, it made my folks very angry and crazy when they quit, and they would take it out on us, then always go back to using. As a child, in my eyes, the counselor was making it worse. I knew nothing about recovery and how bad it could be in the beginning. They told us it would be difficult, we as children were not informed properly, just hidden away by the grandparents for a few weeks and told they would be better the next time we saw them.
But his opinion of counselors hasn't changed and me being around re-enforces that. Not because I have said or done anything in the last few years, I am the reminder to him. Because he remembers my drunken view of my past.
Another factor which I have thought about thoroughly, is if I leave, he will probably not quit. The reason is his older brother. He drinks as much or more than AH does and has been drinking with him since they were teens. He is his support system. They work together and talk to each other on the phone just about every day. He has his own sad story and has been AH's best friend throughout his life. They were living together when we met. He has lived with us off and on over the years and brought his GF's over to stay with us. Been through a lot with him, both emotionally and financially. I've been told over the years that if something ever happens to us (AH and I) that it would be his bro that would take care of him. His brother has no plans of stopping and no one to tell him not to drink. In both their eyes, I am just the B wife who is controlling. Which is re-enforced every day by talking to his bachelor bro. It is a catch 22 situation and I am tired of being in the fray.
I am setting a time limit of one year. This will give me the time frame to save some money, work on myself and get mentally/emotionally prepared to leave if he does not change. This will also give me time to find a place, get my car paid off and get into a better financial situation where I can start working again. If I go back to work right now, he will most likely flip out as he sees me going back to work as a sign that I am going to leave him. I have been looking into telecommuting jobs, where I can work from home while he is out of town. This may not be viewed as quite as suspicious. I am still figuring things out.
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Coping-----it is encouraging to hear how motivated you are to learn and to make changes---even changes that may be hard. That kind of willingess is very crucial, I believe.
After hearing your description of your and his family---it occurs, to me, that you might really benefit from the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics" You certainly qualify. If there are no meetings in your area, you can get their literature and their Big Book and study them. If you go to the book section of amazon.com and google "adult children of alcoholics" and you will see a lot of books on the subject. I am sure that you have been powerfully impacted by the alcoholism/addiction that you grew up in. This could by your chance to stop the cycle---especially for your children.
I agree with you that you can use all of the support system that you can get----and, you have us!
The workers at the dv centers will be very understanding and helpful, as well---and, you will find the county social workers to be very understanding, in general. In fact, when you reach out for help and are honest with people, I think you will find that most people will be like that.
If you were always the one that everyone else leaned on, in the family---I'll bet that you are reluctant to ask for help---and may find that hard. lol---you will need to get over that.
Many times, those children that grew up in alcoholic families become super responsible.
After hearing your description of your and his family---it occurs, to me, that you might really benefit from the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics" You certainly qualify. If there are no meetings in your area, you can get their literature and their Big Book and study them. If you go to the book section of amazon.com and google "adult children of alcoholics" and you will see a lot of books on the subject. I am sure that you have been powerfully impacted by the alcoholism/addiction that you grew up in. This could by your chance to stop the cycle---especially for your children.
I agree with you that you can use all of the support system that you can get----and, you have us!
The workers at the dv centers will be very understanding and helpful, as well---and, you will find the county social workers to be very understanding, in general. In fact, when you reach out for help and are honest with people, I think you will find that most people will be like that.
If you were always the one that everyone else leaned on, in the family---I'll bet that you are reluctant to ask for help---and may find that hard. lol---you will need to get over that.
Many times, those children that grew up in alcoholic families become super responsible.
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Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 17
Thank you. I have moseyed on over there and have taken a look. Yes, asking for help was very hard at first. My first attempt was a couple of years ago with a church group and was not received very well. Nothing against them, but I do not think they really understood the situation and was looking for a box to place me in, as it were. I have been speaking online with other people/counselors who are in my situation and have gotten a lot of really good feedback from others who understand and have experience in this. For a long time I thought I was alone as I could not relate to anyone else simply because they didn't know how to relate to me. Most people tend to either pity me or outright run off and not want to hang out again. They are like "ooohh baggage, ok bye". So it is comforting to have a few friends who do understand and to be able to talk to others online for support. I've found the more more you ask for help, the easier it gets to ask.
As far as my children go, they are very aware of everything and have been given the knowledge and education about drugs/alcohol/dangers and consequences. I relay with them and we have an open dialogue. I decided a long time ago that I would not keep them in the dark about drugs and alcohol and the devastating effect it has on everyone, not just the user. We also pray a lot and I teach them about God and give them instruction from sound biblical teaching to help them.
I plan on taking everyone to a family support group once I find one that I feel comfortable with. I have gone to a couple of different counseling groups and it's one of those things, you know right away if it is the right place for you or not. So far, I haven't found the right group for us.
As far as my children go, they are very aware of everything and have been given the knowledge and education about drugs/alcohol/dangers and consequences. I relay with them and we have an open dialogue. I decided a long time ago that I would not keep them in the dark about drugs and alcohol and the devastating effect it has on everyone, not just the user. We also pray a lot and I teach them about God and give them instruction from sound biblical teaching to help them.
I plan on taking everyone to a family support group once I find one that I feel comfortable with. I have gone to a couple of different counseling groups and it's one of those things, you know right away if it is the right place for you or not. So far, I haven't found the right group for us.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Another factor which I have thought about thoroughly, is if I leave, he will probably not quit
But he hasn’t quit with you there either....it doesn’t matter whether you are there or not whether he is ready to quit or not. With you there it may take longer to really get bad but it may have no effect on it at all. You have no control over his drinking. I stayed because i felt it was safer for my kid as I did not trust him with her alone. Luckily she was young enough and won’t have too many I’ll lasting effects (especially since my ex got sober) but staying in a dysfunctional relationship like that affects the whole family.
i think with you detaching from him (which you need to do for sure) you may decide to bail sooner than a year. Maybe not but I would keep that in the back of your mind as a possibility. With you detaching it will likely make him even unhappier and things may become really unbearable at home which won’t be healthy for you or the kids especially if they are a little older and understand it better.
im glad you have an open discussion with your kids
i was never pro counseling for myself but I found a great counselor and I definitely see the benefit. Your husband (or any addict) will not see the benefit of any of the professional help because they are not ready to actually quit.
sounds like you are setting boundaries and taking care of yourself and the kids and taking steps to do what you need to do for you. He’s not going to like it at all but he has the option to do se thing about it.
my ex got clean but it was too late for me. So yea, even if he got clean you might not want to be with him anymore because he will be different. My ex finally started acting his age (he is 11 years older than I am) and like you I never had known him truly sober. But at least my kid has a father now so I am glad he managed to get clean even if it didn’t work out between us.
stay strong!
But he hasn’t quit with you there either....it doesn’t matter whether you are there or not whether he is ready to quit or not. With you there it may take longer to really get bad but it may have no effect on it at all. You have no control over his drinking. I stayed because i felt it was safer for my kid as I did not trust him with her alone. Luckily she was young enough and won’t have too many I’ll lasting effects (especially since my ex got sober) but staying in a dysfunctional relationship like that affects the whole family.
i think with you detaching from him (which you need to do for sure) you may decide to bail sooner than a year. Maybe not but I would keep that in the back of your mind as a possibility. With you detaching it will likely make him even unhappier and things may become really unbearable at home which won’t be healthy for you or the kids especially if they are a little older and understand it better.
im glad you have an open discussion with your kids
i was never pro counseling for myself but I found a great counselor and I definitely see the benefit. Your husband (or any addict) will not see the benefit of any of the professional help because they are not ready to actually quit.
sounds like you are setting boundaries and taking care of yourself and the kids and taking steps to do what you need to do for you. He’s not going to like it at all but he has the option to do se thing about it.
my ex got clean but it was too late for me. So yea, even if he got clean you might not want to be with him anymore because he will be different. My ex finally started acting his age (he is 11 years older than I am) and like you I never had known him truly sober. But at least my kid has a father now so I am glad he managed to get clean even if it didn’t work out between us.
stay strong!
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