First post. Would appreciate advice
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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First post. Would appreciate advice
I actually posted this in the wrong forum, so hopefully a mod will delete it later... I think this is the right one...
Firstly, Hello. Thanks for having me. I've never posted before so I hope this is the right place... and I hope that anyone going through anything like I'm going through right now is doing the best they can, and I wish you all the best of luck in the World to fix any pain you're going through.
This is probably going to be pretty boring coz I've already seen the threads, and I'm sure I'll be repeating a lot of things already been answered. Sorry about that. If anyone can't sleep, read away, I'm sure it'll help you doze off. lol. Sorry, I'm just trying to keep a sense of humour as best I can. I'm going to try and keep it as brief and to the point as possible, but sorry in advance if I waffle on. It's the ADHD in me. Just can't stop talking. lol. I already know it's going to be as long as War and Peace! haha
So I met my now husband in Los Angeles while I was there working . We struck up a friendship, then a relationship. He used drugs then but not too often, and so did I. I never used hard drugs, just maybe an ecstasy to dance all night, but nothing super hardcore. He used meth now and again but not very often at all, and this was a long time ago, and being from the UK, I didn't even know what it was at that time, let alone how damaging it could be. I didn't think too much of it at the time, being pretty young and ready to party on a Friday night.
About 2 years later he was arrested and sentenced to 14.5 years after taking a plea deal. (10 if those were a gun enhancement that wasn't even ever found someone just said they saw a gun, and bam, an extra 10 years with no evidence. That enhancement isn't even legal now. So he should really have only got 4.5 yrs) I won't go into the ins and outs of that, unless anyone cares to know later in the thread, because I'm trying to keep it short, but the point I'm making is that he went in there as a 19 year old sweet boy who made a mistake, and the psychological impacts of long term incarceration have effected him deeply. He's not adjusting to the outside world very well at all.
Anyways...Stupid old me stuck around the whole term loving him, supporting him, never missing phone calls, writing every couple if days. Even when he was inside we had the best relationship in that situation. We got married, and for the last few years had family visits where we could spend 3 whole nights and days together. My work visa had ran out, so I had returned to the UK, and with him incarcerated, I preferred to just fly back and forth to visit, stay 3 weeks so I'd fit a ton of visits in and do that a couple of times a year. No-one else even visited except me and his dad in the last 8 years, and his dad only twice. About a year before he was released, I noticed he had relapsed. He wouldn't admit it but I knew it was true. Being behind the wall though, it's easy to create doubt because I can't see him, and he had all the communication control because it wasn't like I could call him, but I knew. He finally admitted he'd been using meth and heroin for the past two years inside and just could stop. Then all the lies began. He's never been mean to me but when I catch him out it's like he projects anger at himself on to me and he just stonewalls me for days even though he's wrong.
So obviously, because we're married, I could've applied for my visa a long time ago, but I didn't want to leave my friends and family until he was close to release. Then out of the blue he got 18 months knocked off his sentence for schoolwork credit that hadn't been added to his record. It threw my timeline out completely. Suddenly, he's getting out of prison and I can't move there. So we started the visa process as soon as possible, but because I have medical issues, I can't not travel waiting around for a visa in the USA. I have to apply from the UK. So there was no option for me to go there and adjust my status right from the beginning. And the time when the 18 months came off was only 2 months before he was released! That's not enough time to be organised to move your whole life anyways.
I picked him up 1st November last year, and due to the prison being on a lockdown, it had forced him to detox, physically, but obviously not mentally. I stayed that trip until late December and he was doing great. Sober, working right away, being loving and caring. I had to come home for a consultation for a major surgery that was gonna happen in January. We were still in communication all day given the time difference, everything was still great, but by late January, I noticed him relapsing. I feel like when I was there, he had someone to hang out with, come home to, distract himself, and when I left, his younger sisters took over but the novelty wore off as they're only teens now. He found himself lonely and hadn't made any new friends, so went back to his old ones... the ones that got him in trouble in the first place. My surgery got moved yet again so I found myself with free time, so I flew over to just give him some support, and he sobered up and entered an outpatient program. He was doing good for a while until covid meant face to face meetings were all cancelled and doing them on zoom just wasn't the same, so he started flaking on it.
Fast forward to end of April and he'd relapsed hard. Worse than the January time. It was a couple of months being worried sick about him, especially being stuck here away from him. His dad found needles (he's using both meth and heroin IV) in his room and told him rehab or leave. He entered the initial detox program, and we were both crying on video chat. He sent me a screenshot of a conversation he was having with his friend that he had to do this to save his marriage. He called every day from detox. Then he got moved to an all male rehab facility. 10 days with no phone, and then he got it back, and we were back to chatting every day. We had a few minor arguments because this had been stressful for me to, and if I'm waking up at 3.30am to talk to him like he asked, and then he's not available, I just text him some choice words about taking the ****... but we got past that and the last 2 days he was there were amazing, and we were making plans for me to come pick him up from the rehab on my tourist visa... then his phone went dead. He'd blocked my number. So I got worried because I knew his 'friends' had been throwing dope over the wall of the rehab so he wasn't fully sober. I asked his dad to check on him. His dad got a text back saying to "Tell (me) I love her and the rehab have taken my phone for a couple of days so I can focus on myself.) I knew this was bs because my number was blocked but his dad's wasn't.
He had told me to look after his FB while he didn't have a phone, and let people know where he was. As had a gut feeling he'd left the centre, I was expecting to find a message from one of his sleazy friends saying they'd come break him out. Instead I found a message from a girl saying, 'why is his phone switched off when he said he was on his way to see her?' Honestly, I was floored. Like fully gobsmacked. I now wish I hadn't replied, but at the time I just couldn't help myself. I was super polite, not aggressive at all, but I asked what was going on and why would he be visiting when he should be in rehab. No answer.
So now, it was clear he had left the rehab and gone and met this woman. I think initially he had thought he could sneak out, go get high with her, and then re-join the program, or why else would he have told my FIL to let me know he'll only be able to call a few mins a day for 2 days? I think the fact he then knew I knew the truth was the catalyst that has made him spiral so fast down hill. He won't answer my calls, he was originally texting a little bit, but now he changed his number. I admit, at the beginning I was sooooooo in shock I did overwhelm him with constant calls and texts. I know his new number anyway because it came on our joint phone account, he just doesn't know I know, and I've chosen not to use it, and I'm just sending the occasional email which he's reading but not replying. I set the account up and have always had the password with his consent, because he needed me to help him with forms and software while he was learning all this stuff because after so long in prison he doesn't really know much about things like that. At present he's currently holed up in a sleazy motel with this woman slamming as much heroin and meth as they can manage all day every day. (he left rehab about 2 weeks ago) Asking for money off of everyone in his family. It's so sad.
Anyways, here's the crooks of my dilemma. Obviously, despite my calm demeanour in this post, I'm fully devastated and heartbroken. Partially because I'm still in love with him, partially because watching the person I love deteriorate is just so dreadful, and definitely that he could run off with a fellow junkie he met for 2 days in a detox centre after I've stood by him with very little in return through his incarceration. But the real hurt is the stonewalling me. I know I can't change the path he's on. He has to chose to get better. I know I can't force him to be with me, but I feel like after I've been there through thick and thin with him, all through prison, before prison, and after, and 3 relapses, it is just boggling my mind how he can just blank me like this. It's obviously the drugs, and he probably doesn't want to deal with me whilst this woman is there because she comes across as kooky and fun to him, but to me, she messages me things like 'enjoy the divorce bitch, because it's coming' and 'you need to leave him alone because we're together and our love will last a life time.' haha, I mean, what? At the point of that message, she'd known him 3 days. Who thinks like that? So I'm having to deal with abuse from her, stonewalling from him, which I'm struggling to cope with. I can deal with it if he's leaving to be with her, but we're half way through a visa process. Everything I've done here for years is to make sure I can blend in to the USA workforce as smoothly as possible. I've spent a lot of money on the lawyer and filing fees, so I feel like we should at least keep doing the application. The main Green Card has been applied for, but we were trying for a K3 which would get me there sooner, though I wouldn't be able to work until I applied for a permit... I wrote him an email asking him to at least reply to the lawyers, and he did, and they've set up a meeting for Monday. He could have just told them we're not together any more. He didn't reply to my message though, only to the lawyers, and then the confusing thing is, he then sent his dad divorce papers asking him to print them out for him??? wtf? It's just all so confusing.
So I guess what I'm asking, or not even asking anything, I'm just hurt and confused. It's the visa issue I need clarification on asap because I have a job waiting for me. Is he lying to her about divorcing me and just using the form as 'evidence' while he's on his mental breakdown with her? Because I don't understand why he told the lawyers he'd do anything to help the process. It's just mixed messages, and it's effecting my choices. I need to know what to do because I need to adjust a LOT of plans if we get divorced and the visa is rejected. I have a very nice job waiting for me, so this issue is important to me form a career perspective
Also, in time, things change, he might come to his sense, I would be prepared to seek therapy and see if we can muddle through. At the very least, I want to end on an amicable note. I don't want to be bitter about this at all. I've lost like 16lbs in 10 days. (Not that my fatass couldn't do with it, lol) So I'm just wondering what you guys think, or how I should act. I don't want to stress him out. Everyone is on his case already because they all think he's mad to walk away from me, especially the way he's just ghosted. I'm not trying to make him feel worse, I just need some answers regarding legal issues so I can make some smart choices for my own life. Any advice on how to talk to him to make him feel safe? I feel like he won't talk to me until she's not in the picture coz I think he's just stressed out to the max. All the emails I've sent him have been kind, understanding, non-beggy, and letting him know that I know he's going through it right about now. So I'm really trying to keep my self-respect and class. I just don't want to aggravate the situation more. My mental health is at an all time low, and I just want to look after myself, and not have to deal with waiting for a reply, but the reply to the visa is so important because he's gonna leave me with a HUGE legal bill for nothing if he doesn't follow through and I'll have to reconsider my job here in the UK, so if he could give me that, I could move on....
So any thoughts, comments, advice, anyone have any anecdotal similar situations they could tell me about? Or give me some insight as to why he's doing this, would be appreciated... Except ones telling me to leave him. I'm not quite mentally ready to hear that just yet.
As you can see, that was an epically long post despite me saying I was going to be short, so I'm a big fat liar... well a little fat liar after the 16lbs. lol
Thanks for listening and have a good day.
Firstly, Hello. Thanks for having me. I've never posted before so I hope this is the right place... and I hope that anyone going through anything like I'm going through right now is doing the best they can, and I wish you all the best of luck in the World to fix any pain you're going through.
This is probably going to be pretty boring coz I've already seen the threads, and I'm sure I'll be repeating a lot of things already been answered. Sorry about that. If anyone can't sleep, read away, I'm sure it'll help you doze off. lol. Sorry, I'm just trying to keep a sense of humour as best I can. I'm going to try and keep it as brief and to the point as possible, but sorry in advance if I waffle on. It's the ADHD in me. Just can't stop talking. lol. I already know it's going to be as long as War and Peace! haha
So I met my now husband in Los Angeles while I was there working . We struck up a friendship, then a relationship. He used drugs then but not too often, and so did I. I never used hard drugs, just maybe an ecstasy to dance all night, but nothing super hardcore. He used meth now and again but not very often at all, and this was a long time ago, and being from the UK, I didn't even know what it was at that time, let alone how damaging it could be. I didn't think too much of it at the time, being pretty young and ready to party on a Friday night.
About 2 years later he was arrested and sentenced to 14.5 years after taking a plea deal. (10 if those were a gun enhancement that wasn't even ever found someone just said they saw a gun, and bam, an extra 10 years with no evidence. That enhancement isn't even legal now. So he should really have only got 4.5 yrs) I won't go into the ins and outs of that, unless anyone cares to know later in the thread, because I'm trying to keep it short, but the point I'm making is that he went in there as a 19 year old sweet boy who made a mistake, and the psychological impacts of long term incarceration have effected him deeply. He's not adjusting to the outside world very well at all.
Anyways...Stupid old me stuck around the whole term loving him, supporting him, never missing phone calls, writing every couple if days. Even when he was inside we had the best relationship in that situation. We got married, and for the last few years had family visits where we could spend 3 whole nights and days together. My work visa had ran out, so I had returned to the UK, and with him incarcerated, I preferred to just fly back and forth to visit, stay 3 weeks so I'd fit a ton of visits in and do that a couple of times a year. No-one else even visited except me and his dad in the last 8 years, and his dad only twice. About a year before he was released, I noticed he had relapsed. He wouldn't admit it but I knew it was true. Being behind the wall though, it's easy to create doubt because I can't see him, and he had all the communication control because it wasn't like I could call him, but I knew. He finally admitted he'd been using meth and heroin for the past two years inside and just could stop. Then all the lies began. He's never been mean to me but when I catch him out it's like he projects anger at himself on to me and he just stonewalls me for days even though he's wrong.
So obviously, because we're married, I could've applied for my visa a long time ago, but I didn't want to leave my friends and family until he was close to release. Then out of the blue he got 18 months knocked off his sentence for schoolwork credit that hadn't been added to his record. It threw my timeline out completely. Suddenly, he's getting out of prison and I can't move there. So we started the visa process as soon as possible, but because I have medical issues, I can't not travel waiting around for a visa in the USA. I have to apply from the UK. So there was no option for me to go there and adjust my status right from the beginning. And the time when the 18 months came off was only 2 months before he was released! That's not enough time to be organised to move your whole life anyways.
I picked him up 1st November last year, and due to the prison being on a lockdown, it had forced him to detox, physically, but obviously not mentally. I stayed that trip until late December and he was doing great. Sober, working right away, being loving and caring. I had to come home for a consultation for a major surgery that was gonna happen in January. We were still in communication all day given the time difference, everything was still great, but by late January, I noticed him relapsing. I feel like when I was there, he had someone to hang out with, come home to, distract himself, and when I left, his younger sisters took over but the novelty wore off as they're only teens now. He found himself lonely and hadn't made any new friends, so went back to his old ones... the ones that got him in trouble in the first place. My surgery got moved yet again so I found myself with free time, so I flew over to just give him some support, and he sobered up and entered an outpatient program. He was doing good for a while until covid meant face to face meetings were all cancelled and doing them on zoom just wasn't the same, so he started flaking on it.
Fast forward to end of April and he'd relapsed hard. Worse than the January time. It was a couple of months being worried sick about him, especially being stuck here away from him. His dad found needles (he's using both meth and heroin IV) in his room and told him rehab or leave. He entered the initial detox program, and we were both crying on video chat. He sent me a screenshot of a conversation he was having with his friend that he had to do this to save his marriage. He called every day from detox. Then he got moved to an all male rehab facility. 10 days with no phone, and then he got it back, and we were back to chatting every day. We had a few minor arguments because this had been stressful for me to, and if I'm waking up at 3.30am to talk to him like he asked, and then he's not available, I just text him some choice words about taking the ****... but we got past that and the last 2 days he was there were amazing, and we were making plans for me to come pick him up from the rehab on my tourist visa... then his phone went dead. He'd blocked my number. So I got worried because I knew his 'friends' had been throwing dope over the wall of the rehab so he wasn't fully sober. I asked his dad to check on him. His dad got a text back saying to "Tell (me) I love her and the rehab have taken my phone for a couple of days so I can focus on myself.) I knew this was bs because my number was blocked but his dad's wasn't.
He had told me to look after his FB while he didn't have a phone, and let people know where he was. As had a gut feeling he'd left the centre, I was expecting to find a message from one of his sleazy friends saying they'd come break him out. Instead I found a message from a girl saying, 'why is his phone switched off when he said he was on his way to see her?' Honestly, I was floored. Like fully gobsmacked. I now wish I hadn't replied, but at the time I just couldn't help myself. I was super polite, not aggressive at all, but I asked what was going on and why would he be visiting when he should be in rehab. No answer.
So now, it was clear he had left the rehab and gone and met this woman. I think initially he had thought he could sneak out, go get high with her, and then re-join the program, or why else would he have told my FIL to let me know he'll only be able to call a few mins a day for 2 days? I think the fact he then knew I knew the truth was the catalyst that has made him spiral so fast down hill. He won't answer my calls, he was originally texting a little bit, but now he changed his number. I admit, at the beginning I was sooooooo in shock I did overwhelm him with constant calls and texts. I know his new number anyway because it came on our joint phone account, he just doesn't know I know, and I've chosen not to use it, and I'm just sending the occasional email which he's reading but not replying. I set the account up and have always had the password with his consent, because he needed me to help him with forms and software while he was learning all this stuff because after so long in prison he doesn't really know much about things like that. At present he's currently holed up in a sleazy motel with this woman slamming as much heroin and meth as they can manage all day every day. (he left rehab about 2 weeks ago) Asking for money off of everyone in his family. It's so sad.
Anyways, here's the crooks of my dilemma. Obviously, despite my calm demeanour in this post, I'm fully devastated and heartbroken. Partially because I'm still in love with him, partially because watching the person I love deteriorate is just so dreadful, and definitely that he could run off with a fellow junkie he met for 2 days in a detox centre after I've stood by him with very little in return through his incarceration. But the real hurt is the stonewalling me. I know I can't change the path he's on. He has to chose to get better. I know I can't force him to be with me, but I feel like after I've been there through thick and thin with him, all through prison, before prison, and after, and 3 relapses, it is just boggling my mind how he can just blank me like this. It's obviously the drugs, and he probably doesn't want to deal with me whilst this woman is there because she comes across as kooky and fun to him, but to me, she messages me things like 'enjoy the divorce bitch, because it's coming' and 'you need to leave him alone because we're together and our love will last a life time.' haha, I mean, what? At the point of that message, she'd known him 3 days. Who thinks like that? So I'm having to deal with abuse from her, stonewalling from him, which I'm struggling to cope with. I can deal with it if he's leaving to be with her, but we're half way through a visa process. Everything I've done here for years is to make sure I can blend in to the USA workforce as smoothly as possible. I've spent a lot of money on the lawyer and filing fees, so I feel like we should at least keep doing the application. The main Green Card has been applied for, but we were trying for a K3 which would get me there sooner, though I wouldn't be able to work until I applied for a permit... I wrote him an email asking him to at least reply to the lawyers, and he did, and they've set up a meeting for Monday. He could have just told them we're not together any more. He didn't reply to my message though, only to the lawyers, and then the confusing thing is, he then sent his dad divorce papers asking him to print them out for him??? wtf? It's just all so confusing.
So I guess what I'm asking, or not even asking anything, I'm just hurt and confused. It's the visa issue I need clarification on asap because I have a job waiting for me. Is he lying to her about divorcing me and just using the form as 'evidence' while he's on his mental breakdown with her? Because I don't understand why he told the lawyers he'd do anything to help the process. It's just mixed messages, and it's effecting my choices. I need to know what to do because I need to adjust a LOT of plans if we get divorced and the visa is rejected. I have a very nice job waiting for me, so this issue is important to me form a career perspective
Also, in time, things change, he might come to his sense, I would be prepared to seek therapy and see if we can muddle through. At the very least, I want to end on an amicable note. I don't want to be bitter about this at all. I've lost like 16lbs in 10 days. (Not that my fatass couldn't do with it, lol) So I'm just wondering what you guys think, or how I should act. I don't want to stress him out. Everyone is on his case already because they all think he's mad to walk away from me, especially the way he's just ghosted. I'm not trying to make him feel worse, I just need some answers regarding legal issues so I can make some smart choices for my own life. Any advice on how to talk to him to make him feel safe? I feel like he won't talk to me until she's not in the picture coz I think he's just stressed out to the max. All the emails I've sent him have been kind, understanding, non-beggy, and letting him know that I know he's going through it right about now. So I'm really trying to keep my self-respect and class. I just don't want to aggravate the situation more. My mental health is at an all time low, and I just want to look after myself, and not have to deal with waiting for a reply, but the reply to the visa is so important because he's gonna leave me with a HUGE legal bill for nothing if he doesn't follow through and I'll have to reconsider my job here in the UK, so if he could give me that, I could move on....
So any thoughts, comments, advice, anyone have any anecdotal similar situations they could tell me about? Or give me some insight as to why he's doing this, would be appreciated... Except ones telling me to leave him. I'm not quite mentally ready to hear that just yet.
As you can see, that was an epically long post despite me saying I was going to be short, so I'm a big fat liar... well a little fat liar after the 16lbs. lol
Thanks for listening and have a good day.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
Welcome! Sorry about what brought you here. You need to focus on you! It will get easier as time passes. I know that you know you can't control another person. Addiction is a very strong thing. Put this behind you and make yourself a better life! You seem like a pretty smart girl. Best wishes!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by tomls 
Welcome! Sorry about what brought you here. You need to focus on you! It will get easier as time passes. I know that you know you can't control another person. Addiction is a very strong thing. Put this behind you and make yourself a better life! You seem like a pretty smart girl. Best wishes!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I feel like I at least need to hear if he's......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 9
Nez.... Honestly, I don't really care what he's doing with his life right now. I just need to know my visa status... which is dependant on the government and him. I have a job to go to there that pays me 3 times what I earn for the same job I do here, so excuse me if I don't want to give up on that opportunity so quickly. He can do what he wants, in life, but taking charge of what I want to do IS finding out what his plans with UCIS is... otherwise, I will be here earning a hell of a lot less. That's something I don't want, so I'm not letting him control me, I'm going after a pay rise and that is unfortunately tied in to his actions.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
"I just need some answers regarding legal issues so I can make some smart choices for my own life."
First off, I'm not an attorney, and your best bet is to speak with an immigration lawyer.
But I do have friends who have married immigrants, so I have seen the Visa / Green Card process for Americans who marry immigrants close up.
If you file for a visa or a green card based on being married to an American citizen, the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) will investigate thoroughly to make sure that you aren't in a sham marriage. One of my friends, who married a French woman, was taken into a separate room and asked details about the birth control that they used, and what color her toothbrush was, to make sure that his answers matched up with hers. He forgot the color of the toothbrush, and their application process was delayed by many months while that was cleared up.
If the INS uncovers that your husband is spending his days in a motel doing heroin with another woman (and most likely they will), this won't help your visa process at all. It may help that you have been married to him for a long time, but expect that a whole host of questions will come up in the process that you will have to deal with.
Again, probably best to speak frankly with an immigration lawyer so that you know what your options are here.
What concerns me more is that it doesn't seem that you are seeing the situation with your husband clearly. On the one hand, you state,
"At present he's currently holed up in a sleazy motel with this woman slamming as much heroin and meth as they can manage all day every day. (he left rehab about 2 weeks ago) Asking for money off of everyone in his family. It's so sad."
But then, you say:
"Any advice on how to talk to him to make him feel safe? I feel like he won't talk to me until she's not in the picture coz I think he's just stressed out to the max. All the emails I've sent him have been kind, understanding, non-beggy, and letting him know that I know he's going through it right about now."
He's holed up in a hotel shooting heroin all day and your priority is to be understanding and non-beggy? You want advice on how to make him feel safe?
What about you? Don't you have the right to feel safe? Don't you have the right to a husband who is there for you and who doesn't go off and spend his time shooting heroin with another woman in a cheap hotel room?
You have invested a lot of time in him. It's hard to walk away from the gambling table and accept a loss. But he's lost in active addiction. And he is taking you down with him. There is no telling if or when he may improve. For many, addiction leads to institutionalization and death.
How much more of your one precious life are you willing to invest in this man?
First off, I'm not an attorney, and your best bet is to speak with an immigration lawyer.
But I do have friends who have married immigrants, so I have seen the Visa / Green Card process for Americans who marry immigrants close up.
If you file for a visa or a green card based on being married to an American citizen, the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) will investigate thoroughly to make sure that you aren't in a sham marriage. One of my friends, who married a French woman, was taken into a separate room and asked details about the birth control that they used, and what color her toothbrush was, to make sure that his answers matched up with hers. He forgot the color of the toothbrush, and their application process was delayed by many months while that was cleared up.
If the INS uncovers that your husband is spending his days in a motel doing heroin with another woman (and most likely they will), this won't help your visa process at all. It may help that you have been married to him for a long time, but expect that a whole host of questions will come up in the process that you will have to deal with.
Again, probably best to speak frankly with an immigration lawyer so that you know what your options are here.
What concerns me more is that it doesn't seem that you are seeing the situation with your husband clearly. On the one hand, you state,
"At present he's currently holed up in a sleazy motel with this woman slamming as much heroin and meth as they can manage all day every day. (he left rehab about 2 weeks ago) Asking for money off of everyone in his family. It's so sad."
But then, you say:
"Any advice on how to talk to him to make him feel safe? I feel like he won't talk to me until she's not in the picture coz I think he's just stressed out to the max. All the emails I've sent him have been kind, understanding, non-beggy, and letting him know that I know he's going through it right about now."
He's holed up in a hotel shooting heroin all day and your priority is to be understanding and non-beggy? You want advice on how to make him feel safe?
What about you? Don't you have the right to feel safe? Don't you have the right to a husband who is there for you and who doesn't go off and spend his time shooting heroin with another woman in a cheap hotel room?
You have invested a lot of time in him. It's hard to walk away from the gambling table and accept a loss. But he's lost in active addiction. And he is taking you down with him. There is no telling if or when he may improve. For many, addiction leads to institutionalization and death.
How much more of your one precious life are you willing to invest in this man?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Needabreak
"I just need some answers regarding legal issues so I can make some smart choices for my own life."
First off, I'm not an attorney, and your best bet is to speak with an immigration lawyer.
But I do have friends who have married immigrants, so I have seen the Visa / Green Card process for Americans who marry immigrants close up.
If you file for a visa or a green card based on being married to an American citizen, the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) will investigate thoroughly to make sure that you aren't in a sham marriage. One of my friends, who married a French woman, was taken into a separate room and asked details about the birth control that they used, and what color her toothbrush was, to make sure that his answers matched up with hers. He forgot the color of the toothbrush, and their application process was delayed by many months while that was cleared up.
If the INS uncovers that your husband is spending his days in a motel doing heroin with another woman (and most likely they will), this won't help your visa process at all. It may help that you have been married to him for a long time, but expect that a whole host of questions will come up in the process that you will have to deal with.
Again, probably best to speak frankly with an immigration lawyer so that you know what your options are here.
What concerns me more is that it doesn't seem that you are seeing the situation with your husband clearly. On the one hand, you state,
"At present he's currently holed up in a sleazy motel with this woman slamming as much heroin and meth as they can manage all day every day. (he left rehab about 2 weeks ago) Asking for money off of everyone in his family. It's so sad."
But then, you say:
"Any advice on how to talk to him to make him feel safe? I feel like he won't talk to me until she's not in the picture coz I think he's just stressed out to the max. All the emails I've sent him have been kind, understanding, non-beggy, and letting him know that I know he's going through it right about now."
He's holed up in a hotel shooting heroin all day and your priority is to be understanding and non-beggy? You want advice on how to make him feel safe?
What about you? Don't you have the right to feel safe? Don't you have the right to a husband who is there for you and who doesn't go off and spend his time shooting heroin with another woman in a cheap hotel room?
You have invested a lot of time in him. It's hard to walk away from the gambling table and accept a loss. But he's lost in active addiction. And he is taking you down with him. There is no telling if or when he may improve. For many, addiction leads to institutionalization and death.
How much more of your one precious life are you willing to invest in this man?
First off, I'm not an attorney, and your best bet is to speak with an immigration lawyer.
But I do have friends who have married immigrants, so I have seen the Visa / Green Card process for Americans who marry immigrants close up.
If you file for a visa or a green card based on being married to an American citizen, the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) will investigate thoroughly to make sure that you aren't in a sham marriage. One of my friends, who married a French woman, was taken into a separate room and asked details about the birth control that they used, and what color her toothbrush was, to make sure that his answers matched up with hers. He forgot the color of the toothbrush, and their application process was delayed by many months while that was cleared up.
If the INS uncovers that your husband is spending his days in a motel doing heroin with another woman (and most likely they will), this won't help your visa process at all. It may help that you have been married to him for a long time, but expect that a whole host of questions will come up in the process that you will have to deal with.
Again, probably best to speak frankly with an immigration lawyer so that you know what your options are here.
What concerns me more is that it doesn't seem that you are seeing the situation with your husband clearly. On the one hand, you state,
"At present he's currently holed up in a sleazy motel with this woman slamming as much heroin and meth as they can manage all day every day. (he left rehab about 2 weeks ago) Asking for money off of everyone in his family. It's so sad."
But then, you say:
"Any advice on how to talk to him to make him feel safe? I feel like he won't talk to me until she's not in the picture coz I think he's just stressed out to the max. All the emails I've sent him have been kind, understanding, non-beggy, and letting him know that I know he's going through it right about now."
He's holed up in a hotel shooting heroin all day and your priority is to be understanding and non-beggy? You want advice on how to make him feel safe?
What about you? Don't you have the right to feel safe? Don't you have the right to a husband who is there for you and who doesn't go off and spend his time shooting heroin with another woman in a cheap hotel room?
You have invested a lot of time in him. It's hard to walk away from the gambling table and accept a loss. But he's lost in active addiction. And he is taking you down with him. There is no telling if or when he may improve. For many, addiction leads to institutionalization and death.
How much more of your one precious life are you willing to invest in this man?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by TilDeath
It's not a sham marriage. We've been married for years.
Originally Posted by TilDeath
He'll either sober up, and maybe we can start back as friends, or he won't and then we can divorce. I don't think I'm explaining a hard concept here
I will back off. I wish you the best, and I really do hope that things work out in your favor.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I also answered you in the FF of alcoholics but I think you can count on having some serious issues with immigration. You’ve been married for several years but he was in prison for a good part of that if I understand correctly. You haven’t actually lived together as husband and wife which does not look good in the eyes of immigration. You will first get a conditional green card. Then after 2 years to have the conditions removed you have to prove it is not a sham marriage. You have to have joint accounts, be living together, sharing a bed together and they might ask for pictures etc. And they want proof. Being married to a felon and active drug addict will not look good can tell you that. They will be very suspicious that you married him for the green card and in return he gets something for the trouble (not saying that is your case but that’s how it will look). You are not going to want a joint account with a drug user, especially if you make good money and he does not work at all. You will end up bankrupt and likely be deported. I’m sure your immigration attorney has told you all of this if they are worth what they charge. It isn’t as simple as getting your green card and then be done with it for a good reason. I have been through this process so I know what I am talking about. It was a long time ago but I can imagine it has only gotten more difficult. Plus he will need to be able to support you 100% until your conditional status will be removed. You will qualify for no government aid in case of loss of job or health insurance. You also have to undergo a physical and if you have a lot of medical problems, depending on what they are, that may complicate things as well. And without him having a job and shooting up drugs he will not be able to do that. I know a couple where I live where she is 67 and he is 27. He is from Israel. Hardworking engineering student and smart guy. They have been living together for 3 years and immigration will not grant him his permanent status because the landlord notified them that they did not share the marital bed. And they both work and are contributing people in society.
i understand your frustration but you are taking it out on the wrong people here. You are the one that got involved with this man despite all his shortcomings. And now it does sounds like you don’t care so much about him anymore and that you just want your greencard and be done with it. Is there anyway your job can help you with a work visa? Because I really think you are going to have a very difficult time convincing immigration that you are a legit couple. And all it takes for him is to say one wrong thing because he is high or vindictive and you will be on the next plane to the UK. And since you cannot trust an addict I would really worry about that. He may tell you one thing one day and change his mind or completely forget what he had said the next day. They also want attestations from close family and friends. I’m betting you will be hard pressed to get very positive ones and if you have people lie and they find out you can kiss this country goodbye for a good long time as well.
And I am sure the immigration lawyer will continue to work for you as long as you continue to pay. But that will still not guarantee that you will be successful in getting your green card.
i understand your frustration but you are taking it out on the wrong people here. You are the one that got involved with this man despite all his shortcomings. And now it does sounds like you don’t care so much about him anymore and that you just want your greencard and be done with it. Is there anyway your job can help you with a work visa? Because I really think you are going to have a very difficult time convincing immigration that you are a legit couple. And all it takes for him is to say one wrong thing because he is high or vindictive and you will be on the next plane to the UK. And since you cannot trust an addict I would really worry about that. He may tell you one thing one day and change his mind or completely forget what he had said the next day. They also want attestations from close family and friends. I’m betting you will be hard pressed to get very positive ones and if you have people lie and they find out you can kiss this country goodbye for a good long time as well.
And I am sure the immigration lawyer will continue to work for you as long as you continue to pay. But that will still not guarantee that you will be successful in getting your green card.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Hi Til, sorry for what brings you here but glad you found SR. That is quite a serious situation, I can understand your concern(s).
I do have some thoughts about the K3, but first, someone said in another forum today - that being in this type of relationship can mean not seeing how dysfunctional it is and nowhere near normal (paraphrasing). Isn't that the truth.
How can you know, at this point, if there can even be therapy and healing of your marriage further down the road. Honestly you don't know him all that well at this point, he has been in jail a long time, he has no doubt changed from the person you knew and I think his current behaviour shows you who he is now.
Is that a man you want to be married to? Do you want to leave your friends and family for him?
I understand that you have been planning this for a very long time, working toward it, spending money on it, but none of those things is worth your wellbeing.
The K3 for instance (which has about the same processing time as an IR1, so not sure why this was even suggested), I hope you have saved a lot of money if you do go ahead with this as you won't be able to work immediately. The only person you have is a heroin/meth head who is living in a sleazy motel with a fellow addict he just met. Hmm.
So what I would do, personally, is put the brakes on the whole thing, immediately. Don't worry about the visa, don't worry about him, only look after yourself. You need to protect yourself from this and him, honestly. Think of it this way, say you were walking downtown in your city today and a guy staggered out of a hotel, completely stoned and a mess with an equally stoned woman on his arm. If he came up to you and asked you for a kiss - how would you react (I hope you would run) - THAT is the truth of what you would be walking in to, not the dream that you had or have.
It's sad! You have waited many years for this but omg you deserve so much better than this. How you could ever hope to get him cleaned up enough to attend the immigration interview, I have no idea.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Focus on yourself, what you want in your life, surround yourself with people that love and care about you.
I do have some thoughts about the K3, but first, someone said in another forum today - that being in this type of relationship can mean not seeing how dysfunctional it is and nowhere near normal (paraphrasing). Isn't that the truth.
How can you know, at this point, if there can even be therapy and healing of your marriage further down the road. Honestly you don't know him all that well at this point, he has been in jail a long time, he has no doubt changed from the person you knew and I think his current behaviour shows you who he is now.
Is that a man you want to be married to? Do you want to leave your friends and family for him?
I understand that you have been planning this for a very long time, working toward it, spending money on it, but none of those things is worth your wellbeing.
The K3 for instance (which has about the same processing time as an IR1, so not sure why this was even suggested), I hope you have saved a lot of money if you do go ahead with this as you won't be able to work immediately. The only person you have is a heroin/meth head who is living in a sleazy motel with a fellow addict he just met. Hmm.
So what I would do, personally, is put the brakes on the whole thing, immediately. Don't worry about the visa, don't worry about him, only look after yourself. You need to protect yourself from this and him, honestly. Think of it this way, say you were walking downtown in your city today and a guy staggered out of a hotel, completely stoned and a mess with an equally stoned woman on his arm. If he came up to you and asked you for a kiss - how would you react (I hope you would run) - THAT is the truth of what you would be walking in to, not the dream that you had or have.
It's sad! You have waited many years for this but omg you deserve so much better than this. How you could ever hope to get him cleaned up enough to attend the immigration interview, I have no idea.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Focus on yourself, what you want in your life, surround yourself with people that love and care about you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Needabreak
I never wrote that you had a sham marriage. What I wrote was that you will likely have to convince the INS that it is not a sham marriage.
You're doing something that I've seen many people do here. You are asking the forum for advice and help, but then projecting your anger and confusion about the situation onto those who take time from their day to try to understand your situation and write something that might help you.
I will back off. I wish you the best, and I really do hope that things work out in your favor.
You're doing something that I've seen many people do here. You are asking the forum for advice and help, but then projecting your anger and confusion about the situation onto those who take time from their day to try to understand your situation and write something that might help you.
I will back off. I wish you the best, and I really do hope that things work out in your favor.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo
I also answered you in the FF of alcoholics but I think you can count on having some serious issues with immigration. You’ve been married for several years but he was in prison for a good part of that if I understand correctly. You haven’t actually lived together as husband and wife which does not look good in the eyes of immigration. You will first get a conditional green card. Then after 2 years to have the conditions removed you have to prove it is not a sham marriage. You have to have joint accounts, be living together, sharing a bed together and they might ask for pictures etc. And they want proof. Being married to a felon and active drug addict will not look good can tell you that. They will be very suspicious that you married him for the green card and in return he gets something for the trouble (not saying that is your case but that’s how it will look). You are not going to want a joint account with a drug user, especially if you make good money and he does not work at all. You will end up bankrupt and likely be deported. I’m sure your immigration attorney has told you all of this if they are worth what they charge. It isn’t as simple as getting your green card and then be done with it for a good reason. I have been through this process so I know what I am talking about. It was a long time ago but I can imagine it has only gotten more difficult. Plus he will need to be able to support you 100% until your conditional status will be removed. You will qualify for no government aid in case of loss of job or health insurance. You also have to undergo a physical and if you have a lot of medical problems, depending on what they are, that may complicate things as well. And without him having a job and shooting up drugs he will not be able to do that. I know a couple where I live where she is 67 and he is 27. He is from Israel. Hardworking engineering student and smart guy. They have been living together for 3 years and immigration will not grant him his permanent status because the landlord notified them that they did not share the marital bed. And they both work and are contributing people in society.
i understand your frustration but you are taking it out on the wrong people here. You are the one that got involved with this man despite all his shortcomings. And now it does sounds like you don’t care so much about him anymore and that you just want your greencard and be done with it. Is there anyway your job can help you with a work visa? Because I really think you are going to have a very difficult time convincing immigration that you are a legit couple. And all it takes for him is to say one wrong thing because he is high or vindictive and you will be on the next plane to the UK. And since you cannot trust an addict I would really worry about that. He may tell you one thing one day and change his mind or completely forget what he had said the next day. They also want attestations from close family and friends. I’m betting you will be hard pressed to get very positive ones and if you have people lie and they find out you can kiss this country goodbye for a good long time as well.
And I am sure the immigration lawyer will continue to work for you as long as you continue to pay. But that will still not guarantee that you will be successful in getting your green card.
i understand your frustration but you are taking it out on the wrong people here. You are the one that got involved with this man despite all his shortcomings. And now it does sounds like you don’t care so much about him anymore and that you just want your greencard and be done with it. Is there anyway your job can help you with a work visa? Because I really think you are going to have a very difficult time convincing immigration that you are a legit couple. And all it takes for him is to say one wrong thing because he is high or vindictive and you will be on the next plane to the UK. And since you cannot trust an addict I would really worry about that. He may tell you one thing one day and change his mind or completely forget what he had said the next day. They also want attestations from close family and friends. I’m betting you will be hard pressed to get very positive ones and if you have people lie and they find out you can kiss this country goodbye for a good long time as well.
And I am sure the immigration lawyer will continue to work for you as long as you continue to pay. But that will still not guarantee that you will be successful in getting your green card.
I might have come across as abrasive when I first replied, because I felt people crossed a boundary that I set in my post of, 'I'm not quite ready to be told to leave him'... To be honest, I want the job there, but other than that I like Americans, but I don't really care about a green card and living there if it wasn't for my husband and job, I just feel, or at least when I posted defensively, that he's taken every last little thing I have and that job is the only thing left I can tangibly walk away with if we can't fix our problems.
Also, K3 gets me there quicker, but we're already half way through the green card application anyway. His crimes are not even required to apply for a waiver for, so I doubt very much they'd be held too far against him, felons are allowed foreign wives too! My medical problems are mostly to do with my voice and airway, from an accident not illness, and after this surgery that I'm waiting for, hopefully that will make it somewhat better. I work in science so luckily, I don't have to act in a face to face role, so I don't need to talk too much. As for him sponsoring me, I have enough to sponsor myself if needs be, and my father-in-law has already signed the forms saying he would sponsor me. As for his friends and family, they all adore me. They actually cannot believe what he's doing right now, besides, we sent all that paperwork in with original packet, so that's done as well. Don't get this twisted, I'm still totally in love with my husband. I know it's ridiculous, but it is what it is. I don't have any family here, so my extended family is all I have too. You say I would need close family and friends to vouch for us, or for me, but his sisters and parents are like my own. His mother refers to me as another daughter, so this isn't some small deal. I feel like I'm not just loosing my husband who until this relapse was also my best friend, I'm losing a whole family unit as well. I'm just feeling like it's way too much to cope with right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Til, sorry for what brings you here but glad you found SR. That is quite a serious situation, I can understand your concern(s).
I do have some thoughts about the K3, but first, someone said in another forum today - that being in this type of relationship can mean not seeing how dysfunctional it is and nowhere near normal (paraphrasing). Isn't that the truth.
How can you know, at this point, if there can even be therapy and healing of your marriage further down the road. Honestly you don't know him all that well at this point, he has been in jail a long time, he has no doubt changed from the person you knew and I think his current behaviour shows you who he is now.
Is that a man you want to be married to? Do you want to leave your friends and family for him?
I understand that you have been planning this for a very long time, working toward it, spending money on it, but none of those things is worth your wellbeing.
The K3 for instance (which has about the same processing time as an IR1, so not sure why this was even suggested), I hope you have saved a lot of money if you do go ahead with this as you won't be able to work immediately. The only person you have is a heroin/meth head who is living in a sleazy motel with a fellow addict he just met. Hmm.
So what I would do, personally, is put the brakes on the whole thing, immediately. Don't worry about the visa, don't worry about him, only look after yourself. You need to protect yourself from this and him, honestly. Think of it this way, say you were walking downtown in your city today and a guy staggered out of a hotel, completely stoned and a mess with an equally stoned woman on his arm. If he came up to you and asked you for a kiss - how would you react (I hope you would run) - THAT is the truth of what you would be walking in to, not the dream that you had or have.
It's sad! You have waited many years for this but omg you deserve so much better than this. How you could ever hope to get him cleaned up enough to attend the immigration interview, I have no idea.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Focus on yourself, what you want in your life, surround yourself with people that love and care about you.
I do have some thoughts about the K3, but first, someone said in another forum today - that being in this type of relationship can mean not seeing how dysfunctional it is and nowhere near normal (paraphrasing). Isn't that the truth.
How can you know, at this point, if there can even be therapy and healing of your marriage further down the road. Honestly you don't know him all that well at this point, he has been in jail a long time, he has no doubt changed from the person you knew and I think his current behaviour shows you who he is now.
Is that a man you want to be married to? Do you want to leave your friends and family for him?
I understand that you have been planning this for a very long time, working toward it, spending money on it, but none of those things is worth your wellbeing.
The K3 for instance (which has about the same processing time as an IR1, so not sure why this was even suggested), I hope you have saved a lot of money if you do go ahead with this as you won't be able to work immediately. The only person you have is a heroin/meth head who is living in a sleazy motel with a fellow addict he just met. Hmm.
So what I would do, personally, is put the brakes on the whole thing, immediately. Don't worry about the visa, don't worry about him, only look after yourself. You need to protect yourself from this and him, honestly. Think of it this way, say you were walking downtown in your city today and a guy staggered out of a hotel, completely stoned and a mess with an equally stoned woman on his arm. If he came up to you and asked you for a kiss - how would you react (I hope you would run) - THAT is the truth of what you would be walking in to, not the dream that you had or have.
It's sad! You have waited many years for this but omg you deserve so much better than this. How you could ever hope to get him cleaned up enough to attend the immigration interview, I have no idea.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Focus on yourself, what you want in your life, surround yourself with people that love and care about you.
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