Advice needed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 2
Advice needed
Hello All-
I am new to this forum and I am grateful to have found it! My younger brother (40 years old) has been an alcoholic since he was a teenager. He has been in and out of recovery and for the past 10 or so years things have gotten very bad for him. He will frequently disappear and most of the time I am not sure if he is alive or dead. He will call every 3-6 months, under the influence and asking for my help- this often comes in the form of asking for me to pay for hotel rooms until he goes into detox and getting him food. Our parents died several years ago and he has burned ALL of his bridges. I want to support him but I don't think randomly paying for motel rooms is the answer-- it is so hard to say no.
I guess I am just looking for feedback about what others would do-- just got a voice mail from him saying he can get into a program tomorrow but needs one more night paid for in a motel-- I literally just did this for him last month and I have no idea what happened to the other program he went to. I feel so hopeless and somehow responsible for him.
I am new to this forum and I am grateful to have found it! My younger brother (40 years old) has been an alcoholic since he was a teenager. He has been in and out of recovery and for the past 10 or so years things have gotten very bad for him. He will frequently disappear and most of the time I am not sure if he is alive or dead. He will call every 3-6 months, under the influence and asking for my help- this often comes in the form of asking for me to pay for hotel rooms until he goes into detox and getting him food. Our parents died several years ago and he has burned ALL of his bridges. I want to support him but I don't think randomly paying for motel rooms is the answer-- it is so hard to say no.
I guess I am just looking for feedback about what others would do-- just got a voice mail from him saying he can get into a program tomorrow but needs one more night paid for in a motel-- I literally just did this for him last month and I have no idea what happened to the other program he went to. I feel so hopeless and somehow responsible for him.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
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My family was in this position with me.
My dad didn't ever want me to be homeless, part of that probably stems from my being a victim of an assault by a stranger. So he was likely trying to prevent that from happening again. I'm a woman, so - there's that.
Did he enable me by doing that - yes. But I managed to finally get sober on my own. And I know a lot of folks don't.
You might consider telling him that he can sleep at your place tonight and that you will take him to the program tomorrow yourself to make sure he goes. You might also let him know - in person to his face - that this is the last time you're going to be there for him. You can also say something like "If you don't care about you - why should I?"
Comments like that tend to carry some weight.
Best.
My dad didn't ever want me to be homeless, part of that probably stems from my being a victim of an assault by a stranger. So he was likely trying to prevent that from happening again. I'm a woman, so - there's that.
Did he enable me by doing that - yes. But I managed to finally get sober on my own. And I know a lot of folks don't.
You might consider telling him that he can sleep at your place tonight and that you will take him to the program tomorrow yourself to make sure he goes. You might also let him know - in person to his face - that this is the last time you're going to be there for him. You can also say something like "If you don't care about you - why should I?"
Comments like that tend to carry some weight.
Best.
Last edited by LumenandNyx; 07-27-2020 at 09:09 AM. Reason: Because
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Before she retired, I had a doctor whose philosophy was, "I'll work exactly as hard as my patient does to improve his or her health."
If your brother is in a city near detox/ recovery programs, there is very likely a shelter nearby. I think telling someone "This is the last motel room I'm paying for" is fair.
Glad you found your way to us, sorry for what brings you here.
If your brother is in a city near detox/ recovery programs, there is very likely a shelter nearby. I think telling someone "This is the last motel room I'm paying for" is fair.
Glad you found your way to us, sorry for what brings you here.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Hi Sassy, certainly a tough spot to be in.
Personally? I wouldn't pay for the motel, not one more night. If you ALWAYS have someone there to bail you out, why would you ever fly on your own?
Now, that doesn't mean what you do or don't do will or won't help him, who's to say? We (and you) have no idea what he's planning, is he really even going to treatment? That though, is kind of beside the point. You have no control over him at all, he will do what he will do.
The motel tonight has nothing to do with him getting treatment tomorrow does it? He will or won't go to treatment whether he sleeps under a tree or at a hotel today, it's irrelevant. It's probably just to manipulate you (sorry to say).
How about trying something different and just not replying or saying no, sorry can't do it and then end that conversation. Him being an alcoholic is not dependent on your money (or your misplaced guilt).
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Personally? I wouldn't pay for the motel, not one more night. If you ALWAYS have someone there to bail you out, why would you ever fly on your own?
Now, that doesn't mean what you do or don't do will or won't help him, who's to say? We (and you) have no idea what he's planning, is he really even going to treatment? That though, is kind of beside the point. You have no control over him at all, he will do what he will do.
The motel tonight has nothing to do with him getting treatment tomorrow does it? He will or won't go to treatment whether he sleeps under a tree or at a hotel today, it's irrelevant. It's probably just to manipulate you (sorry to say).
How about trying something different and just not replying or saying no, sorry can't do it and then end that conversation. Him being an alcoholic is not dependent on your money (or your misplaced guilt).
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 2
Thank you.
Thank you all for your advice. I am so glad to have found this group. It helps just to put it out there.
i have told my brother he should go to a shelter- he is very upset with me. I will work through it and appreciate the support.
i have told my brother he should go to a shelter- he is very upset with me. I will work through it and appreciate the support.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hi Sassy, I'm glad you decided to post.
It must have been a bit difficult to tell your brother "no". I understand the family FOG. (fear, obligation,guilt) I was raised in. My mother is my brother's biggest enabler and it's painful to witness. My dad is gone (consequences of his own drinking) so when mum goes my brother will be on his own to figure things out for himself. I've already made it very clear I won't be stepping into her shoes. It wont be easy to watch the fallout but I can't have my life brought down again by someone else's poor choices, or my subsequent choice to "help" them. Been there done that, it did not go well.
We can only be responsible, or not as the case may be, for ourselves. What other's do and the consequences they face from those choices is on them. I'm glad you choose to give your brother the dignity to figure this out on his own. Maybe knowing he doesn't have an escape hatch in you any more will be the push he needs to realize he better get it right this time. You are a good sibling for stepping away and letting him manage his own life.
I hope you decide to stick around and keep chatting with us
It must have been a bit difficult to tell your brother "no". I understand the family FOG. (fear, obligation,guilt) I was raised in. My mother is my brother's biggest enabler and it's painful to witness. My dad is gone (consequences of his own drinking) so when mum goes my brother will be on his own to figure things out for himself. I've already made it very clear I won't be stepping into her shoes. It wont be easy to watch the fallout but I can't have my life brought down again by someone else's poor choices, or my subsequent choice to "help" them. Been there done that, it did not go well.
We can only be responsible, or not as the case may be, for ourselves. What other's do and the consequences they face from those choices is on them. I'm glad you choose to give your brother the dignity to figure this out on his own. Maybe knowing he doesn't have an escape hatch in you any more will be the push he needs to realize he better get it right this time. You are a good sibling for stepping away and letting him manage his own life.
I hope you decide to stick around and keep chatting with us
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
HI Sassy
Boy, this really hits me hard.
My brother was in a similar situation, he also had terminal cancer, COPD, congestive heart failure and emphysema. He could not stop drinking - he was going to be homeless.
I bought him a 5th wheel to live in - mainly because I didn't want him to die in the streets and I was doing what you have been doing.
Well, he lived another 3 years, but things only got worse.
You can literally give someone everything they need to survive and thrive, but it is up to them to make that happen.
My brother passed last December - I am so glad I was able to keep him off the streets.
But let me caution you - I didn't "help" him at all. I just delayed the inevitable.
I nearly lost my sanity in the process.
Take care of yourself first is the best advice I can give, he will only change if he wants to.
My brother was quite content to live the life of an alcoholic and it ultimately killed him.
You cannot save someone from themselves
Boy, this really hits me hard.
My brother was in a similar situation, he also had terminal cancer, COPD, congestive heart failure and emphysema. He could not stop drinking - he was going to be homeless.
I bought him a 5th wheel to live in - mainly because I didn't want him to die in the streets and I was doing what you have been doing.
Well, he lived another 3 years, but things only got worse.
You can literally give someone everything they need to survive and thrive, but it is up to them to make that happen.
My brother passed last December - I am so glad I was able to keep him off the streets.
But let me caution you - I didn't "help" him at all. I just delayed the inevitable.
I nearly lost my sanity in the process.
Take care of yourself first is the best advice I can give, he will only change if he wants to.
My brother was quite content to live the life of an alcoholic and it ultimately killed him.
You cannot save someone from themselves
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
I really needed to read this. I have an alcoholic son and like everyone said the more help we give we are just delaying the inevitable. SO hard to stop esp. when they throw it in your face. My parents told him they will always be there to help him... He told me today that they will do whatever for him.. so how are we going to get through to him.
He even said today that he is slowly dying.
He even said today that he is slowly dying.
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