New here - what a night I had....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 193
New here - what a night I had....
First let me say thanks for being here!
I've been married to my AH for 15 years. I have been through just about everything with him. He goes through cycles of knowing that he is toxic to me & the kids & his many failed attempts at sobriety to his current state of denying that it is a problem to anyone but him & that I am the cause of his drinking etc etc... It's been a bad couple of weeks for me, I've been very sad & depressed. I've tried to distance myself from his drinking, biting my tongue (you know the routine) but it has gotten to the point that it doesn't matter what I do or don't do. According to him, he can read my mind/sees it in my eyes, so it doesn't really matter if I keep my, admittedly, big mouth shut or not.
Last night I told him that I needed to go back to Alanon (something I have done in the past) for my own health & well being. His reaction was frightening. He became verbally abusive to me, even going so far as saying that I was going so I could meet someone else & leave him,"how dare I be so selfish", "where do I go for my issues" (w/ me & our sex life - his current excuse for why he drinks so much). He tried just about everything to push my buttons - saying things I would normally be SO defensive about - just to get me involved in an argument that he will later say I started.
I'm almost afraid to actually get up & go to a meeting. The meeting I would be attending is in the evening & that's his drinking time. I fear that when I return that I'll have an angry drunk meeting me at the door! Logically I know that he is frightened that I will get "well", "see the light" so to speak & actually gain the courage to leave him. But the side of me that he has beaten down so much only makes me second guess my decision to start working the program again for me.
Thanks for letting me get this out. I really have no support system - outside of me & the kids no one really knows what I live with day to day.
Christine
I've been married to my AH for 15 years. I have been through just about everything with him. He goes through cycles of knowing that he is toxic to me & the kids & his many failed attempts at sobriety to his current state of denying that it is a problem to anyone but him & that I am the cause of his drinking etc etc... It's been a bad couple of weeks for me, I've been very sad & depressed. I've tried to distance myself from his drinking, biting my tongue (you know the routine) but it has gotten to the point that it doesn't matter what I do or don't do. According to him, he can read my mind/sees it in my eyes, so it doesn't really matter if I keep my, admittedly, big mouth shut or not.
Last night I told him that I needed to go back to Alanon (something I have done in the past) for my own health & well being. His reaction was frightening. He became verbally abusive to me, even going so far as saying that I was going so I could meet someone else & leave him,"how dare I be so selfish", "where do I go for my issues" (w/ me & our sex life - his current excuse for why he drinks so much). He tried just about everything to push my buttons - saying things I would normally be SO defensive about - just to get me involved in an argument that he will later say I started.
I'm almost afraid to actually get up & go to a meeting. The meeting I would be attending is in the evening & that's his drinking time. I fear that when I return that I'll have an angry drunk meeting me at the door! Logically I know that he is frightened that I will get "well", "see the light" so to speak & actually gain the courage to leave him. But the side of me that he has beaten down so much only makes me second guess my decision to start working the program again for me.
Thanks for letting me get this out. I really have no support system - outside of me & the kids no one really knows what I live with day to day.
Christine
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Christine
Welcome. You have a support system now, us. We do know, and we're here for you.
It's so easy for us to deprive ourselves of what we need, all in the interest of appeasing them. But it's only when we begin to look after ourselves, doing what we need to do to be healthier and better people, that we recognize that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
He will drink or not drink regardless of how well you take care of yourself. You don't have to own his reaction, his bad behaviour or his harsh words. That's all on him. Just don't participate in his chaos. It takes two to argue, and if we join in, we're volunteers not victims.
We've all been there, and have learned that we can live in the problem or we can live in the solution. Our choice.
Hugs
Ann
Welcome. You have a support system now, us. We do know, and we're here for you.
It's so easy for us to deprive ourselves of what we need, all in the interest of appeasing them. But it's only when we begin to look after ourselves, doing what we need to do to be healthier and better people, that we recognize that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
He will drink or not drink regardless of how well you take care of yourself. You don't have to own his reaction, his bad behaviour or his harsh words. That's all on him. Just don't participate in his chaos. It takes two to argue, and if we join in, we're volunteers not victims.
We've all been there, and have learned that we can live in the problem or we can live in the solution. Our choice.
Hugs
Ann
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((drgnfly))))
It sounds this boil in your life is getting ready to come to a head.....You probably do need support. I hope you will go to the meeting.
You sound like a smart lady don't let his disease talk or scare you out of getting help for yourself.....(((((((BIG HUG)))))))
It sounds this boil in your life is getting ready to come to a head.....You probably do need support. I hope you will go to the meeting.
You sound like a smart lady don't let his disease talk or scare you out of getting help for yourself.....(((((((BIG HUG)))))))
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Try thinking that it is the disease that's getting crazy about you going to a meeting, not your husband.
I congratulate you on the decision of returning to alanon. It does help, doesn't it? If you're home during the day, see if you can find a meeting in the morning or afternoon when he's at work. Everyone here will be more than willing to offer you a support system. We've all been there and are there.
Take care of yourself and stay strong.
Kathy
I congratulate you on the decision of returning to alanon. It does help, doesn't it? If you're home during the day, see if you can find a meeting in the morning or afternoon when he's at work. Everyone here will be more than willing to offer you a support system. We've all been there and are there.
Take care of yourself and stay strong.
Kathy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 193
Thanks for all of your kind words & hugs! I am determined to find some inner peace, regardless of what he or the disease says! I'm pretty much confined to an evening meeting since I work during the day. I'm hoping that his reasonable side will shine through & see that this is what I need for me!
Does anyone have any insight on Alateen? My kids were much younger when I attended Alanon before - my sons are now 14 & 9. I see them shutting down & I don't know what to say or do for them that isn't teaching them the 'bad' behavior that I possess. and 'ignoring' the problem obviously isn't a solution. They've both witnessed way too much....
Thanks!
Christine
Does anyone have any insight on Alateen? My kids were much younger when I attended Alanon before - my sons are now 14 & 9. I see them shutting down & I don't know what to say or do for them that isn't teaching them the 'bad' behavior that I possess. and 'ignoring' the problem obviously isn't a solution. They've both witnessed way too much....
Thanks!
Christine
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Christine,
Welcome. Alcoholism is lonely and isolating. For your own sanity and the sanity of your kids, it is a good thing to reach out. Al-Anon is a great source of support, and they offer tools to help us deal with taking care of ourself. This forum is also a great source for support, especially when we can't get to a meeting.
Al-Anon tells us that if we find ourself in an abusive situation, to have a plan. Get out of the situation until it diffuses itself. Please make a plan for if things get out of hand. Staying and trying to handle it or diffuse it yourself can put you and your kids in harms way. Not seeking help because of fear isn't an option either, so be prepared.
Come here as often as you like. There are so many people who understand and have been there. You aren't alone, and you don't have to go through this alone. Hugs, Magic
Welcome. Alcoholism is lonely and isolating. For your own sanity and the sanity of your kids, it is a good thing to reach out. Al-Anon is a great source of support, and they offer tools to help us deal with taking care of ourself. This forum is also a great source for support, especially when we can't get to a meeting.
Al-Anon tells us that if we find ourself in an abusive situation, to have a plan. Get out of the situation until it diffuses itself. Please make a plan for if things get out of hand. Staying and trying to handle it or diffuse it yourself can put you and your kids in harms way. Not seeking help because of fear isn't an option either, so be prepared.
Come here as often as you like. There are so many people who understand and have been there. You aren't alone, and you don't have to go through this alone. Hugs, Magic
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Ditto to what Magic said.
There are meetings geared to the kids too. Call your local alanon/Aa directory and they'll give you the times and places where there are meetings.
The kids need to learn about the disease, the effects it has on everyone and how they can learn to live a productive healthy life without alcohol.
I didn't do this for my son and he is a 24 year old recovering alcoholic. Do it for them. Give them a fair and clean chance at life. They'll thank you for it one day.
Kathy
There are meetings geared to the kids too. Call your local alanon/Aa directory and they'll give you the times and places where there are meetings.
The kids need to learn about the disease, the effects it has on everyone and how they can learn to live a productive healthy life without alcohol.
I didn't do this for my son and he is a 24 year old recovering alcoholic. Do it for them. Give them a fair and clean chance at life. They'll thank you for it one day.
Kathy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
christine - you have been given some wise advice above. your story sounds soooo much like mine except i don't have the kids and so far, haven't met resistance with going to ala-anon but am seeing a counselor and do get some digs occasionally about that.
educating the kids early on will be one of the best things you can do. if we, as acoa's, coda's and others involved with a's got some of this education years ago, we would have been better prepared for life w/an a or maybe never would have gotten into a relationship with one in the first place.
come back often and we are all here to support one another!
hugs - cwohio
educating the kids early on will be one of the best things you can do. if we, as acoa's, coda's and others involved with a's got some of this education years ago, we would have been better prepared for life w/an a or maybe never would have gotten into a relationship with one in the first place.
come back often and we are all here to support one another!
hugs - cwohio
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