What a long ongoing journey!

Old 07-24-2020, 03:04 AM
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What a long ongoing journey!

I have been in a co-dependent relationship for the past 10 years. I have posted here off and on about my struggles, his health issues and so on. I have read Codependent No More twice along with other books about attachment styles etc. Through my reading and listening to podcasts I am learning a lot about what makes me do the things I do and why my thoughts are so focused on my qualifier. There is a shift now in my thoughts and in my actions. I am starting to put the focus back on myself. I am not running over to his house to sit with him while he drinks or goes to the bar. That is not how I want to spend my time these days. I am having a hard time telling him that though. When I have tried to talk to him about my feelings before he just shuts down or chooses not to even respond. I am assuming things will just happen as they will. I am dropping the rope. I am also very sad because I am not so sure what this all means for our relationship. I know it can't stay the same nor do I want it to stay the same. I just don't know what will happen. Is this all just part of the process? When you started working on yourself and your issues, how did your qualifier respond? Was there a good outcome or did you have to go no contact and just move on with your life?
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Old 07-24-2020, 04:21 AM
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Sounds like moving on would be the best thing to do.
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Old 07-24-2020, 07:08 AM
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I think what part of it boils down to is you doing your best to look at your life objectively and then asking yourself - "How would I respond TO ME if I was my best friend?"

What would you suggest and offer in the way of advice?

My questions are: What happened in the past when you put the ball in his court and left it there?
What happens when he shuts down and you don't try to "open" him?
What happens when you sit with your sadness until you decide to get up to make a nice cup of tea?
What happens if you don't return his call?
What happens when you chose to do something nice for yourself and don't include him because you decide you don't want the drama?



I could ask more questions, but I'll leave it there for now.

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Old 07-24-2020, 07:12 AM
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Suncatcher, for me, coming to terms with my mate's alcoholism and my own codependence was a long drawn out process that spanned many years. It was a slightly different situation, as we were married a long time and had kids, that complicated my decisions. Or at lest I let it, change is hard and I was fearful and reluctant. It took me a long time to learn what I needed to know and to grow strong enough within myself to start changing MY life. Of course that was not well received by the alcoholic spouse. The more I changed my own behaviour and my reactions (or lack there of) to his behaviour, the more strained our relationship became. He changed manipulation tactics numerous times trying to find the one that would work, my anxiety spiraled out of control. Eventually I realized that wasn't a life I was willing to endure for the next 40 or 50 years. I'd watched my parents and grandparents have long, unhappy marriages. I didn't want to live the last half of my life miserable, watching the man I loved but couldn't trust drinking his life's potential away. I was devastated that my marriage, to my high school sweet heart and father of my children, ended in divorce after more than two decades... but for me, it was the right decision. It took a long time to heal, but I'm happy and I'm healthy. I'm remarried to a man I can respect and trust. Life is peaceful and calm. I never could have achieved this level of serenity had I remained tied to a man not willing to commit to true recovery. Of course, that's just my story, other's around here have chosen a different path. We each have to decide for ourselves what we are and are not willing to allow into our lives.

I know how difficult these "growing pains" are. You just can't "unknow" something once you have realized it and that can make for some very uncomfortable decisions..no matter what you decide. Been there my friend, it sucks.

Wishing for you clarity and strength as you make the decisions you are facing.
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Old 07-24-2020, 08:29 AM
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
Suncatcher, for me, coming to terms with my mate's alcoholism and my own codependence was a long drawn out process that spanned many years. It was a slightly different situation, as we were married a long time and had kids, that complicated my decisions. Or at lest I let it, change is hard and I was fearful and reluctant. It took me a long time to learn what I needed to know and to grow strong enough within myself to start changing MY life. Of course that was not well received by the alcoholic spouse. The more I changed my own behaviour and my reactions (or lack there of) to his behaviour, the more strained our relationship became. He changed manipulation tactics numerous times trying to find the one that would work, my anxiety spiraled out of control. Eventually I realized that wasn't a life I was willing to endure for the next 40 or 50 years. I'd watched my parents and grandparents have long, unhappy marriages. I didn't want to live the last half of my life miserable, watching the man I loved but couldn't trust drinking his life's potential away. I was devastated that my marriage, to my high school sweet heart and father of my children, ended in divorce after more than two decades... but for me, it was the right decision. It took a long time to heal, but I'm happy and I'm healthy. I'm remarried to a man I can respect and trust. Life is peaceful and calm. I never could have achieved this level of serenity had I remained tied to a man not willing to commit to true recovery. Of course, that's just my story, other's around here have chosen a different path. We each have to decide for ourselves what we are and are not willing to allow into our lives.

I know how difficult these "growing pains" are. You just can't "unknow" something once you have realized it and that can make for some very uncomfortable decisions..no matter what you decide. Been there my friend, it sucks.

Wishing for you clarity and strength as you make the decisions you are facing.
Cried as I read these kind words. Thank you smallbutmighty. I know I need to let go but it is like grieving the death of a friend for me. I have never not returned his calls. I don"t want to be cruel to him. I think I will just be honest and say that I don't want to spend the days I have left in life watching someone I love drink the rest of his life away. That is how I feeI. Like you, I have known this man since I was 16. I am happy to hear you are healthy and happy now. Thank you for sharing your story and for understanding where I am in this journey.
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Old 07-24-2020, 09:14 AM
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suncatcher----before I read your second post, on this current thread----I was going to suggest that your could cut through a lot of the weeds if you laid the cards out on the table. lol---I am so happy to see that you already beat me to the punch on that.
You already know the "truth" about the relationship/situation. You won't be able to walk in your own truth as long as you are pretending, to him, that it is otherwise. To hide the truth about your feelings and needs. in the relationship, I think, would be the cruel thing, in the big picture. I think that he is entitled to the truth. And, I feel that it is cruel to yourself to continue to go through your life with a millstone around your neck.
Actually, the direct approach to the truth can be amazingly efficient----as opposed to long detailed explanation that is designed to change another person's mind. (you won't be able to change his mind or control his reactions). I can be as simple as saying kindly "I am changing---and, I can no longer be a beast of burden. Your alcoholism has been killing me".
I. also, suggest, that. at some point, it would be a good thing for you to apologize to him-----apologize to him for enabling him in his alcoholism. Let him know that your are truly sorry for that, and that your are owning your part of the "dance".

To do the above----yes, it can be scary, as well as relieving----and, you will have to be brave. However, I know that you are far more capable of bravery than you think. None of us ever know how brave we can be until Bravery is the only option left. It is a funny thing----bravery only shows up at the very exact moment that we Need it.
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Old 07-24-2020, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by LumenandNyx View Post
I think what part of it boils down to is you doing your best to look at your life objectively and then asking yourself - "How would I respond TO ME if I was my best friend?"

What would you suggest and offer in the way of advice?

My questions are: What happened in the past when you put the ball in his court and left it there?
What happens when he shuts down and you don't try to "open" him?
What happens when you sit with your sadness until you decide to get up to make a nice cup of tea?
What happens if you don't return his call?
What happens when you chose to do something nice for yourself and don't include him because you decide you don't want the drama?



I could ask more questions, but I'll leave it there for now.
These are good questions, indeed. I have not gotten that far yet but I am getting there! Thank you for your kind words and thoughts!
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Old 07-24-2020, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
suncatcher----before I read your second post, on this current thread----I was going to suggest that your could cut through a lot of the weeds if you laid the cards out on the table. lol---I am so happy to see that you already beat me to the punch on that.
You already know the "truth" about the relationship/situation. You won't be able to walk in your own truth as long as you are pretending, to him, that it is otherwise. To hide the truth about your feelings and needs. in the relationship, I think, would be the cruel thing, in the big picture. I think that he is entitled to the truth. And, I feel that it is cruel to yourself to continue to go through your life with a millstone around your neck.
Actually, the direct approach to the truth can be amazingly efficient----as opposed to long detailed explanation that is designed to change another person's mind. (you won't be able to change his mind or control his reactions). I can be as simple as saying kindly "I am changing---and, I can no longer be a beast of burden. Your alcoholism has been killing me".
I. also, suggest, that. at some point, it would be a good thing for you to apologize to him-----apologize to him for enabling him in his alcoholism. Let him know that your are truly sorry for that, and that your are owning your part of the "dance".

To do the above----yes, it can be scary, as well as relieving----and, you will have to be brave. However, I know that you are far more capable of bravery than you think. None of us ever know how brave we can be until Bravery is the only option left. It is a funny thing----bravery only shows up at the very exact moment that we Need it.
This! Thank you! You are right that I am only being cruel to myself and to him by not being truthful. And I do owe him an apology. It is scary but it needs to be done. Right now he is wondering why I am not coming over to sit with him and watch him drink or drink with him as I have before. I will come clean and do my part to disengage. Thank you for your honesty and support here. I am loving reading "The Language of Letting Go" at this time. I may be hanging out here for a while as all of this continues to unfold with him.
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Old 07-24-2020, 12:07 PM
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Originally Posted by suncatcher View Post
..... but it is like grieving the death of a friend for me
It isn't just like grieving, it absolutely IS grieving. It's the sadness and pain that comes from loss, it leaves a hole that can only be described as grievous. It actually helped me to accept that I was indeed grieving. Knowing that grief has to go through it's stages, accepting that and respecting the process, made getting through it a little easier. I'm not saying it was by any means easy, it was not! But it was easIER to cope with once I recognized it for what it was. I grieved harder for the that particular loss than I ever did when a loved one has died.

I hope you do decide to hang out with us for a while. Having the support of people who truly understand can be invaluable, and it certainly relieves some of that loneliness only those of us who have loved addicts can comprehend.

Hang in there!
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Old 07-24-2020, 05:32 PM
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Sometimes talking to an outside person face to face- like a counsellor/psychologist helps me. An objective view. What ever you do- you have my support.
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Old 07-26-2020, 05:40 AM
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Thank you all for your comments and kind words! I am feeling stronger today. 😊💪
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