Angel65

Hi everyone,

It has been a long time since I've been here. Previously, I was in a 3 year relationship with a very severe alcoholic who also suffers from bipolar disorder. Like most new relationships the first year or so was fun, In hindsight I chose to ignore some of his destructive behavior because when he was healthy, he was awesome. He loved me unconditionally, was attentive and caring...when he was healthy. But as time went on things went downhill. His behavior became much more destructive, unpredictable and sometimes scary. He was verbally abusive when he drank, but had no concept of what he had said to me once he had sobered up. I tried to get him help, paid for rehab, saved him from 3 different suicide attempts, fed him and gave him shelter, and nothing helped. I've learned so much since all of that about enabling etc. but at that time it was devastating to me. I loved him so much, and wanted so badly for him to want to get healthy, for him and for us. His behavior got worse and worse until I couldn't take it anymore and i had to part ways. He was devastated. For months he begged for another chance, and it was so hard for me to say no, but I did. As time went by I heard from him less and less. I knew he was living at his parents, so was safe. He started a new job, which i thought was promising. All good things. Every now and then I texted to see how he was. Most times he responded positively, was doing ok. Never mentioned drinking. I carried on with my life, but, still recovering from the devastation he caused, did not start dating anyone else. Last week, he called me and sounded really good. His job was going well, and he had started dating someone else- one of his colleagues. As he did with me, he moved in with her v quickly. I was at first relieved that he wasn't alone, slightly concerned for the new woman, but was okay with everything. He seemed happy. The following days for me were up and down. I was sooooo sad, and couldn't figure out why. I was mourning the happy times we had together, thinking of how our relationship was when it started and imagining him like that with the new woman. I have my own problems with loneliness, so was feeling sorry for myself. It wasn't jealously or anything like that.... just the end of an era. I felt like i needed to close the loop with him, so on Sunday i texted and asked if we could chat. He responded that the gf had seen my text, and that it would be hard to talk bc she saw me as a threat, so i let it go. I was very sad about that. He knows me better than most, and besides anything else, I was sad that he was no longer going to be able to chat with me-even just now and then. The next morning he called me, though, and we had a very long, very calm, grown up conversation. He told me about his situation- said it wasn't ideal, but he was happy not to be alone
. He even suggested that he set me up with one of his friends. It was a good conversation where I felt we were both able to put the past behind. it was emotional, of course, because we talked about all those happy times, and how I missed having him in my life. I told him flat out that this was not an attempt to get back what we had, because I could never do that, but i thought we were both on the same page about closing the loop and moving on. The next morning he showed up on my doorstep at 7:30am, clearly drunk/hungover with all of his belongings. He had dumped the gf that evening and headed straight for my house. Not what I wanted him to do by any means!! Of course that led to a difficult conversation where i had to say again I will never go back to the chaos. I am here for him, but never in the capacity I was before. Things escalated v quickly, and long story short the past couple of days have been a nightmare -exactly as my life was that last year with him. He has been drinking heavily, which means he's angry and mean one minute, then sweet and loving the next. He's been sleeping at his office, and begging me to allow him to stay here, but I am staying strong. In his angry moments he blames me for him leaving the gf and giving up his chance for a happy life. I don't know what to think about this. I feel horrible. I didn't want him to do that. It wasn't my intention when I wanted to talk to him. I just felt we were finally at a place where we could put the hostility to rest. He has been obsessing over me all this week, as he did before, and when I don't respond I am met with very nasty texts and calls. The look in his eyes the other day brought it all back- drunk and mean- like a different person. Now I feel I should have left well alone, but we went through so much together I will never be able to just forget about him. I want him to be happy- and healthy, but now I feel like I've sent him backwards very rapidly. The guilt I feel is overwhelming. Today he came by with a note which just says "i love you", and he told me he's deleted my contact info so he's not tempted to call me. I have so many emotions at the moment....guilt for having reached out and ruined his new life, sadness that he is still very much drinking, grief for the times we had together as a couple....... I know this is a LOT, and I appreciate you reading if you're still here. I just don't even know what to think about what has happened the past few days..... and I'm so scared he will once again react drastically to this latest turn of events

Ariesagain

Ooof. You poor sweetie.

First, last,and always...you are not responsible for his choices.

It’s entirely possible his new girlfriend got tired of his drinking and threw him out...which is why he’s drunk at your doorstep with his stuff at 7:30 a.m. It may well have had nothing to do with you. Just because he tells you another version of events doesn’t make it true. She may be doing the dance of joy to have the chaos out of her life.

He’s going to have to figure out his own life and that doesn’t mean guilt-tripping you into supporting him.

Your intentions may have been good, but we all know what that road leads. Block him. The only thing that lies down that road is more pain.

Hawkeye13

Block him. Aries is spot on. You are not responsible for a grown man’s poor choices.

note how he has already caused you guilt and trauma and he hasn’t moved in. Imagine your life if you did let him back in the door. Not even one night, not a shower, nada.

Angel65

Thank you! One of my friends just said the same thing. In 3 days he managed to turn my life upside down again after a year of calm. My brain knows that I need to completely disconnect to protect myself, but my heart hasn't quite gotten there yet......

LumenandNyx

Are you sure it's your heart? I'm reminded over and over that it can be as hard for a nonaddict to sever all ties with an addict as it can be for an addict to sever all ties with their drug of choice. The emotional attachment is severe and palpable.

I'm not saying it's not your heart - you two had good and loving times together. I'm asking...

dandylion

Angel------for your own welfare----please try to accept that it is necessary to go through the short-term pain to get to the long-term gain. All break-ups are hard. Especially, when one has invested so much of themselves as you have.
If it is pain that you are wanting to avoid----completely ending it is your best option. While breakups are painful, for a while---going back to that situation would surely be *ell on Earth!

If you have not already read it----get a copy of "Co-Dependent No More", asap, and read it. lol---even if you have read it before, read it again.

Angel65

I'm reminded over and over that it can be as hard for a nonaddict to sever all ties with an addict as it can be for an addict to sever all ties with their drug of choice. The emotional attachment is severe and palpable.

So, why is it so hard to sever all ties? I have been asking myself that over and over? Even when we were in the relationship I knew I had to end it, but I just couldn't. Even after the most awful drunken fights where he said terrible things to me, I was unable to cut the cord. And when I did, I still had difficulty staying away completely. If I hadn't heard from him in a while, I would get worried about his safety; was he on the streets, had he made further attempts to hurt himself....and then I would have to reach out. I couldn't help it. Why is that??!

LumenandNyx

It's because of the emotional attachment - it's like an anchor. What I believe happens is that you give in to that anchor that sits in your sternum. Between that sensation and the things you probably inadvertently say to yourself to convince yourself to reach out to him - you're in no position to win. It's over before it's begun.

To sever ties you'll probably need to change your phone number and block his email. You'll also have to learn how to identify the physical and mental sensations that cause you to crave him, because that's essentially what is going on inside you. You crave him like he craves his drug of choice. You're both addicted.

The only way to pull away is to stop allowing yourself to think on it, to to stop dwelling on the sensations. Instead, you're going to need to learn how to concern yourself with other things - no matter what they are. And every time a craving surfaces, it must be extinguished before you can act on it. What does that look like for you? I don't know. Maybe every time you want to reach out to him or when you find yourself worrying about him - you'll need do something specific to distract you. That said, don't call someone to talk about him or your feelings about all of it because that's no different than acting on your feelings about him in the first place. Do something entirely different that has nothing to do with him or the relationship. Do something that forces you to focus on what you're doing. And don't forget to switch it up. The idea is to rediscover you and what really makes you happy.

Best!

Ariesagain

Do some research on “trauma bonding.” The constant drama causes such swings of emotions that the hormones our bodies produce under the stress become addictive.

It’s biochemical. You can get past this! You know you know how...

dandylion

Angel------I think that the above suggestions are very good ones to put into practice.
When you ask-----"why is that?"------my comment is this-----I suspect that you are co-dependent----because you are living his life, and not your own.
My favorite definition of co-dependency is the following--------"Co-dependency is less about the relationship with another person, than it is about the Lack of relationship with the self"

trailmix

Hi Angel65. Well, it's a bit messy right? But nothing that you can't put right. You are sticking to your boundaries and good for you.

You are not responsible at all for this latest downward spiral. You spoke to him like a person would speak to another person, thought you had wrapped up that era nicely and a few hours later he's on your doorstep with his stuff.

If you think about it really clearly (without the emotion) how is that anywhere near "normal". Who does that? An addict.

Maybe the new woman had strong boundaries in the relationship, maybe it was just a series of drunken arguments, who's to say? He obviously must have gotten on his high horse about you and your former relationship and she had enough. Good for her too.

You are obviously kind. Why is it so hard to separate yourself? You do care about him and he is in a real bind, of course you will feel obligation and guilt, if you didn't you would be pretty unfeeling, however, that doesn't mean he needs to move in to your place! It also doesn't mean you need to do anything about it. In what world is he blaming you btw? You talked to him on the phone, did you ask him to move in?? Unless you did I fail to see how him up and abandoning his place of residence has anything to do with you.

Honestly? You really need more distance from this perhaps. While this may not have you caring any less, you may be able to see how destructive all this is to your life. Perhaps it's time to stay out of contact with him. If you decide to block him, it would be kind to let him know (as in - we shouldn't really talk for some time, but I wish you well - short and sweet) then go ahead.

Angel65

Thank you all for the responses. As always, you have all brought clarity and sense to what I have swirling around my head!

It has been a few days now since everything happened. I did block his number , and he says he deleted mine so I have heard no more from him. I drove past his office the other day and his car was there, so at least he didn’t do what he usually does when things are tough- quit the job and disappear. I have been out of town with friends this weekend so have been occupied with activities, but in quiet times I still have that fleeting feeling of guilt, and I still wonder if he is okay. I think that is going to take a long time to pass.....

dandylion

Angel-----you are right----we don't usually change our ways overnight. However, I do believe that if we are determined to make changes, it will come to pass.
The more you do keep focusing on your own activities--friends---activities---new goals and experiences---the shorter time it takes.
This is not just something that I read in a book or heard someone say---it is from my own experience and what I have observed in others, over a long period of time.

Angel65

Hi all,

So it's been a week since I started this thread in a state of distress. I have worked very hard, and will continue to work hard, to put some of your advice into action, and I thank you all for your very wise words of support and encouragement. I am in a much better place this week. I learned yesterday that he is, in fact, not back on the street, nor living in his car, nor in any state of distress because I turned him away..... He has returned to his new girlfriend and is living there as if last week never happened. I am both relieved that he is safe with shelter, and afraid for her, as I doubt she knows what lies ahead with him. I am also very sad to have been "deleted" from his life after everything I did for him, but I know it is the right thing for me to stay away for good. I have boxed up his remaining belongings at my house, wrote a very short "goodbye" letter, and am about to ship the stuff to his parents (who hate me and believe I'm responsible for all of his troubles in life). It is time to close the door on this story. I don't know why it still seems so hard to do, but it must be done. Thank you again for all of your words of support. This forum is such a valuable resource, and I hope that you all feel as supported as I do here.

trailmix

Good to hear you are moving forward Angel.

As for his parents, perhaps they just believe what they have been told? If it wasn't all your fault, whose fault would it be? Oh no!

You sound strong as you really need to be right now. It's not easy and there will be bumps in the road, all you can do is the next right thing to keep yourself moving forward and safe. Safe emotionally.

Yes, perhaps the new girlfriend doesn't know what lies ahead, but as alcoholism is progressive he is probably acting out more now than he did initially with you? He hit the road with his stuff last week and then turned around and went back, that's a pretty big deal. Thankfully you don't have to deal with it.

I hope you will keep posting , please update us and of course your experience is valuable for others here.

Angel65

I just spent some time researching trauma bonding, per your recommendation. OMG....this is totally my situation. Textbook! Thank you for bringing it up. It is helping me to understand the conflicting emotions I am experiencing, and showing me that it can be overcome!

Angel65

Hello all,

Just having a moment of reflection on the past couple of weeks. After doing the research on trauma bonding, and actively working to break that bond, the dust is starting to settle. He is occupying less of my mind now, and I’m trying to focus on other more positive things. Now, weirdly, the only thing that bothers me is that the poor girlfriend has no idea what lies ahead for her. I know she’s a grown woman and can make her own choices, but I see on social media that she is just giddy! He’s a handsome guy, and she probably thinks he’s a real catch (as I did). I saw a pic of them together last night and he looks horrendous....drunk and high. My first thought was “thank God it’s not me!” The second was “Run!! Get away before it’s too late....” Such a sad state of affairs. Maybe he will find stability with her that he didn’t with me. One can only hope, for all involved!

dandylion

Angel----it sounds like she is in a state of the rose colored glasses of early attraction. No matter what you would say to her, she is unlikely not want to hear it, and defend him and their new relationship, mightily. In fact, she would probably be hostile toward you. It would, also strengthen his (maybe) story, to her, about how krazy you were.
My opinion is----any changes that he might make will need to come within himself and his own enlightenment. She cannot make him stable. In fact, a relationship will, eventually, bring any issues that a person has, to the surface. That goes for all relationships---lol.

Angel65

Wise words, Dandylion. Thank you. Interestingly enough I just heard from his sister, who saw the same pic and had all the same concerns; she had also heard from his ex wife, who said exactly the same..... We all feel sorry for the woman, because we know he will show his true colors....he always does. How sad....

Angel65

Having a weird morning, today. I did great all weekend, keeping busy and not really giving the situation any thought. But this morning I can’t shake the thought that if he was so quick to move on to someone else (who is providing shelter, food etc) and if in fact the “she said yes” picture is what I think, then he is just going to use anyone for his own gain- and that means he was probably using me all that time. All the messages of undying love, both when we were together and then again a couple of weeks ago when he appeared at my house, were all a game to help him keep his habit going.... Makes me sad 😞