I'm struggling.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
I'm struggling.
Hi all-It's been a while since I've posted. I want to vent a little. I'm struggling with the craziness of this all and of course, this whole virus situation isn't helping any. As I would imagine for those that are able to work from home (as AH & myself are), it creates non-stop opportunities to drink all day long. Yes, this is what my AH has been doing. I'm not surprised. He's definitely gotten better at doing it secretly, or just doesn't do it in front of me. I can smell it. I know (usually) based on his behavior and how he talks. I always try to remember those 3 C's, but I can't help but absorb the crazy emotions that come with it. We're together 24/7 now. 24/7. Ugghhh. While I love him, I do not like him right now. There have been incidences in which I think there's some sort of mental illness coming out more obviously. Mental illness outside of alcoholism. Is alcoholism a mental illness? Not sure, but drinking is a choice that he's making. It's a choice; a decision that's his. His to own. I think there's serious depression at play here. Possibly a sort of bipolar disorder on some sort of spectrum. It's so hard to tell what's the alcohol or what's possibly some other issue. And, it's likely a combination of the 2. A sort of special blend going on. Yep, I know this is progressive. I can definitely see it. This past weekend, he did something that really did jeopardize my life (as well as others). I was livid at him and at myself. I forgot my # 1 rule. Always assume he's drinking. I forgot that rule and I was angry at myself for letting my guard down.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
You're only human, don't be so hard on yourself.
Alcohol scrambles the brain.
My brother developed some serious emotional/mental changes as his drinking progressed.
He literally couldn't help himself
And while I know it sometimes feels like he is drinking AT you - he isn't, he is very ill.
Stay vigilant, remember YOU are very important and please take care of yourself in any ways you can!
Alcohol scrambles the brain.
My brother developed some serious emotional/mental changes as his drinking progressed.
He literally couldn't help himself
And while I know it sometimes feels like he is drinking AT you - he isn't, he is very ill.
Stay vigilant, remember YOU are very important and please take care of yourself in any ways you can!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,635
Hey Flower, sorry you are having such a hard time of it.
You know, looking at your post from an outside perspective:
If you read your post back, maybe you too will see how dysfunctional this is? Does that mean you have to do anything about it? Not at all, but if you were truly looking at it the way it is, you would never let your guard down (which is sad in itself really).
- it creates non-stop opportunities to drink all day long
- He's definitely gotten better at doing it secretly
- I can't help but absorb the crazy emotions that come with it
- It's so hard to tell what's the alcohol or what's possibly some other issue. And, it's likely a combination of the 2
- I know this is progressive. I can definitely see it
- he did something that really did jeopardize my life (as well as others)
- I forgot that rule and I was angry at myself for letting my guard down
That's what I'm seeing. In one paragraph. This is your life. This is your life partner.
You also say "While I love him, I do not like him right now"
What would it take for you to like him? Less drinking, more real attention from him (making plans to go places (when you can), thinking of activities for the both of you that are good for the times (netflix binge, ordering out from some place special, playing an online game with friends, cooking a great dinner, starting a house project). Does any of this seem realistic - I don't know, I'm just asking.
It just seems that your expectations for YOUR life are incredibly low. Who's looking out for you? Who is taking care of you and who is making sure you get what you need (love, attention, safety, emotional consideration etc etc). Oh and fun!
You know, looking at your post from an outside perspective:
If you read your post back, maybe you too will see how dysfunctional this is? Does that mean you have to do anything about it? Not at all, but if you were truly looking at it the way it is, you would never let your guard down (which is sad in itself really).
- it creates non-stop opportunities to drink all day long
- He's definitely gotten better at doing it secretly
- I can't help but absorb the crazy emotions that come with it
- It's so hard to tell what's the alcohol or what's possibly some other issue. And, it's likely a combination of the 2
- I know this is progressive. I can definitely see it
- he did something that really did jeopardize my life (as well as others)
- I forgot that rule and I was angry at myself for letting my guard down
That's what I'm seeing. In one paragraph. This is your life. This is your life partner.
You also say "While I love him, I do not like him right now"
What would it take for you to like him? Less drinking, more real attention from him (making plans to go places (when you can), thinking of activities for the both of you that are good for the times (netflix binge, ordering out from some place special, playing an online game with friends, cooking a great dinner, starting a house project). Does any of this seem realistic - I don't know, I'm just asking.
It just seems that your expectations for YOUR life are incredibly low. Who's looking out for you? Who is taking care of you and who is making sure you get what you need (love, attention, safety, emotional consideration etc etc). Oh and fun!
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
It looks like you're trying to figure out what's going on beneath your loved one's addiction and I don't know how you think you can do that. Are you an MD or a PhD?
Do you have any idea why you choose to be a part of your addict's life when your #1 rule is to always assume he's drinking? That can't be much fun.
Things might become less of a struggle and a bit more clear if you allow yourself some distance from him.
Rather than put all of your focus onto him - change your focus back to yourself and the things you love being and doing.
Now might be a good time for him to start learning what it means and how it feels to support his own life, recovery and health while you do the same with yours.
Do you have any idea why you choose to be a part of your addict's life when your #1 rule is to always assume he's drinking? That can't be much fun.
Things might become less of a struggle and a bit more clear if you allow yourself some distance from him.
Rather than put all of your focus onto him - change your focus back to yourself and the things you love being and doing.
Now might be a good time for him to start learning what it means and how it feels to support his own life, recovery and health while you do the same with yours.
Last edited by LumenandNyx; 07-22-2020 at 10:18 AM. Reason: Because I want to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Hey Flower, sorry you are having such a hard time of it.
You know, looking at your post from an outside perspective:
If you read your post back, maybe you too will see how dysfunctional this is? Does that mean you have to do anything about it? Not at all, but if you were truly looking at it the way it is, you would never let your guard down (which is sad in itself really).
- it creates non-stop opportunities to drink all day long
- He's definitely gotten better at doing it secretly
- I can't help but absorb the crazy emotions that come with it
- It's so hard to tell what's the alcohol or what's possibly some other issue. And, it's likely a combination of the 2
- I know this is progressive. I can definitely see it
- he did something that really did jeopardize my life (as well as others)
- I forgot that rule and I was angry at myself for letting my guard down
That's what I'm seeing. In one paragraph. This is your life. This is your life partner.
You also say "While I love him, I do not like him right now"
What would it take for you to like him? Less drinking, more real attention from him (making plans to go places (when you can), thinking of activities for the both of you that are good for the times (netflix binge, ordering out from some place special, playing an online game with friends, cooking a great dinner, starting a house project). Does any of this seem realistic - I don't know, I'm just asking.
It just seems that your expectations for YOUR life are incredibly low. Who's looking out for you? Who is taking care of you and who is making sure you get what you need (love, attention, safety, emotional consideration etc etc). Oh and fun!
You know, looking at your post from an outside perspective:
If you read your post back, maybe you too will see how dysfunctional this is? Does that mean you have to do anything about it? Not at all, but if you were truly looking at it the way it is, you would never let your guard down (which is sad in itself really).
- it creates non-stop opportunities to drink all day long
- He's definitely gotten better at doing it secretly
- I can't help but absorb the crazy emotions that come with it
- It's so hard to tell what's the alcohol or what's possibly some other issue. And, it's likely a combination of the 2
- I know this is progressive. I can definitely see it
- he did something that really did jeopardize my life (as well as others)
- I forgot that rule and I was angry at myself for letting my guard down
That's what I'm seeing. In one paragraph. This is your life. This is your life partner.
You also say "While I love him, I do not like him right now"
What would it take for you to like him? Less drinking, more real attention from him (making plans to go places (when you can), thinking of activities for the both of you that are good for the times (netflix binge, ordering out from some place special, playing an online game with friends, cooking a great dinner, starting a house project). Does any of this seem realistic - I don't know, I'm just asking.
It just seems that your expectations for YOUR life are incredibly low. Who's looking out for you? Who is taking care of you and who is making sure you get what you need (love, attention, safety, emotional consideration etc etc). Oh and fun!
Any yes, you're absolutely right that my expectations in my life are extremely low. My expectations of him are non-existent. I reduced my expectations of a MARRIAGE into a FRIENDSHIP. And, still, he sucks at that too. He's just too far up is own ass to be a friend to anymore let alone a spouse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by LumenandNyx
It looks like you're trying to figure out what's going on beneath your loved one's addiction and I don't know how you think you can do that. Are you an MD or a PhD?
Do you have any idea why you choose to be a part of your addict's life when your #1 rule is to always assume he's drinking? That can't be much fun.
Things might become less of a struggle and a bit more clear if you allow yourself some distance from him.
Rather than put all of your focus onto him - change your focus back to yourself and the things you love being and doing.
Now might be a good time for him to start learning what it means and how it feels to support his own life, recovery and health while you do the same with yours.
Do you have any idea why you choose to be a part of your addict's life when your #1 rule is to always assume he's drinking? That can't be much fun.
Things might become less of a struggle and a bit more clear if you allow yourself some distance from him.
Rather than put all of your focus onto him - change your focus back to yourself and the things you love being and doing.
Now might be a good time for him to start learning what it means and how it feels to support his own life, recovery and health while you do the same with yours.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,635
So another question, what would it take for you to leave him?
I read some of your other threads and you were going to go see a lawyer last December. How did that go?
What is your reason for staying? You're just used to it? Financial? Hope?
I read some of your other threads and you were going to go see a lawyer last December. How did that go?
What is your reason for staying? You're just used to it? Financial? Hope?
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by trailmix
So another question, what would it take for you to leave him?
I read some of your other threads and you were going to go see a lawyer last December. How did that go?
What is your reason for staying? You're just used to it? Financial? Hope?
I read some of your other threads and you were going to go see a lawyer last December. How did that go?
What is your reason for staying? You're just used to it? Financial? Hope?
My reasons for staying? I don't want to lose this house. I like it but it's too much for 1 person. It'd be a stretch financially and I wouldn't be able to do it long term. I dread having to go through the process of selling it. Yes, I'd have to adjust my living standards to account for a 1 person income household instead of 2 but I could do it.
Another reason is I'm afraid of being lonely (not alone but lonely). I don't think that I have very many friends and a very strong support system from my family. Another reason is that I don't want to hurt him and I think it would. I feel like I'm kicking him while he's down. It just makes my heart really heavy.
I told him on Monday that he needed to get his **** together otherwise he's going to lose friends, family, me, his job, everything. I don't think he even really heard it. His reaction was non-existent.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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flower-------the following is a link to a website that I think might be of interest to you. It is arranged by state. It gives useful information, without being overwhelming. It can help to organize your thoughts.
After the covid lockdown is over-----consider alanon meetings----this can become an automatic support group of friends that all understand beyond mere words. In the meantime, you might check out virtural meetings. Being with an alcoholic can be a very isolating experience.
After the covid lockdown is over-----consider alanon meetings----this can become an automatic support group of friends that all understand beyond mere words. In the meantime, you might check out virtural meetings. Being with an alcoholic can be a very isolating experience.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"Another reason is I'm afraid of being lonely (not alone but lonely). I don't think that I have very many friends and a very strong support system from my family. "
Have you been to Alanon? This is the beginning of you getting well and forming a support network.
I would say to you that you are lonelier now than you could possibly be in any other healthy life situation.
Have you been to Alanon? This is the beginning of you getting well and forming a support network.
I would say to you that you are lonelier now than you could possibly be in any other healthy life situation.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Stronger every day!
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 191
Before anything else....here's a big hug for you, the old fashioned way since I can't find the damn smilies ((((((flower))))))
It's SO SO hard when you don't feel you have a strong support system. I would be completely lost without mine. That might be something to consider focusing on for a while, to meet a major need of your own. Alanon (and of course us) is a great place to start because there you'll meet kindred spirits who really get what it's like to live with an active alcoholic. I think the lack of that system is what 1) makes us more vulnerable to becoming attached to addicts/alcoholics and 2) keeps us stuck because, as you said, being with them is better than being lonely. Except if you search your heart, I bet you find it isn't. Just MHO of course but I've heard other people say this too. But only you can decide when you've had enough of being lonely while someone is right next to you.
Lockdown has certainly made this harder too since there aren't as many/any in person meetings. But the online ones are good too.
Speaking of which, do the family groups still have them here? I know the addicts' forum groups used to and I think I remember attending a couple family ones here back in the day, but is that something people might find helpful since the in person ones at home are still scarce?
It's SO SO hard when you don't feel you have a strong support system. I would be completely lost without mine. That might be something to consider focusing on for a while, to meet a major need of your own. Alanon (and of course us) is a great place to start because there you'll meet kindred spirits who really get what it's like to live with an active alcoholic. I think the lack of that system is what 1) makes us more vulnerable to becoming attached to addicts/alcoholics and 2) keeps us stuck because, as you said, being with them is better than being lonely. Except if you search your heart, I bet you find it isn't. Just MHO of course but I've heard other people say this too. But only you can decide when you've had enough of being lonely while someone is right next to you.
Lockdown has certainly made this harder too since there aren't as many/any in person meetings. But the online ones are good too.
Speaking of which, do the family groups still have them here? I know the addicts' forum groups used to and I think I remember attending a couple family ones here back in the day, but is that something people might find helpful since the in person ones at home are still scarce?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,635
Well, I totally understand that, however there are huge negatives to staying in this situation as well.
Being unsettled constantly, being hurt, being ignored. The mental toll can be huge.
You are banking on him being able to continue working. You are right about him losing his job, potentially, this current massive drinking hole that he is digging may be very hard for him to pull out of, once he is expected to go back to work. Plus, the progressive aspect.
You life right now and the comfort you have, may or may not be short lived. If he continues on there is a possibility that down the road you will be his caretaker. Is that how you see spending years with him? What if he does lose his job?
I completely understand not wanting to be lonely, who does, however you are lonely, you just maybe don't realize how much. Heck, if he moved out what if you chose a really fun or quiet or hysterically funny room mate? You wouldn't be lonely AND you could relax. Have you ever lived alone? I hadn't really until after my divorce and I was 100 percent sure I would hate it! For the first week or so, I did, then no more! I actually like living by myself, who knew! It's quiet, you do what you want when you want, no one is bugging you. You eat when you want, sleep when you want and go out and see people when you want (or have them over).
I just think that maybe you are scared of things that might not happen or could easily be overcome? I'm not encouraging you to divorce per se, I wouldn't do that. I also get that you feel guilty. However, do you want to sacrifice your life for his? If you do end up being his caretaker, perhaps for years, can you cope with that?
It's kind of a sad state of affairs. You are just as important as he is you know, but you don't seem to take your welfare (and your hurt) in to account.
Being unsettled constantly, being hurt, being ignored. The mental toll can be huge.
You are banking on him being able to continue working. You are right about him losing his job, potentially, this current massive drinking hole that he is digging may be very hard for him to pull out of, once he is expected to go back to work. Plus, the progressive aspect.
You life right now and the comfort you have, may or may not be short lived. If he continues on there is a possibility that down the road you will be his caretaker. Is that how you see spending years with him? What if he does lose his job?
I completely understand not wanting to be lonely, who does, however you are lonely, you just maybe don't realize how much. Heck, if he moved out what if you chose a really fun or quiet or hysterically funny room mate? You wouldn't be lonely AND you could relax. Have you ever lived alone? I hadn't really until after my divorce and I was 100 percent sure I would hate it! For the first week or so, I did, then no more! I actually like living by myself, who knew! It's quiet, you do what you want when you want, no one is bugging you. You eat when you want, sleep when you want and go out and see people when you want (or have them over).
I just think that maybe you are scared of things that might not happen or could easily be overcome? I'm not encouraging you to divorce per se, I wouldn't do that. I also get that you feel guilty. However, do you want to sacrifice your life for his? If you do end up being his caretaker, perhaps for years, can you cope with that?
It's kind of a sad state of affairs. You are just as important as he is you know, but you don't seem to take your welfare (and your hurt) in to account.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Do you really love him or do you think you do because you should? Yes it is progressive and he probably will lose his job at some point. Then you will be supporting two people on one income and possible have to deal with cost for DUIs etc. Your are not kicking him while he is down. He is doing a pretty good job of that by himself. There is nothing you can do for him. He needs to decide he wants to quit for him and only then is there a chance he wil be successful. Alcoholism is for life. Even if they get clean there is always a chance for relapse. What kind of life are you living right now? So you have a nice house but you probably don’t even enjoy living there. You can’t relax in your own house.
i lived a more than comfortable life and loved my house. I also have a kid and when he was drinking I was afraid to leave because I couldn’t trust him and she was too young to take care of herself really if he was drunk. The financial aspect was scary as well. But the last year before he got clean things got bad and I had completely detached. Only later did I realize that I really didn’t love him anymore as he had destroyed us. He actually got clean when I gave him an ultimatum but only because he had gotten to the point of realizing he couldn’t go on like that. He just needed that final kick in the butt from me. He also sought help and did mandatory rehab for 3 months (had to eb use of his job). I never would’ve thought he needed it but he needed every minute of it. And even after 3 months it is only the tip of the iceberg and is it only the beginning. But he sobriety came too late for me.we tried for another 1.5 years and my feelings were just shot and gone (have you had the joy of having him wet and soil the bed yet?). I had weekly counseling for 2 years until the day I moved out and then a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I still go to counseling because I find it helpful but it is every 4-6 weeks.
I love being on my own, I get to make all my own decisions and I can do what I want. My ex was “functional” outside the house but not at home with his family where it counted. I have zero regrets that I got divorced. I probably should’ve done it sooner.
I would highly recommend you at least seek out individual counseling and check out alanon as well. As hard as it is start detaching from him and take care of you. You cannot help him at all, begging and pleading won’t help if his heart isn’t into quitting (been there done that). Take care of you and your sanity. With counseling and also you will see things more clearly. Educate yourself on alcoholism. And yes more than likely he has an underlying psych diagnosis but until he actually gets clean they won’t be able to properly evaluate him for that anyway. And it can be something as simple as social anxiety or something more complex like bipolar or schizophrenia. But right now the alcohol is masking what the underlying problem is more than likely so he needs to be getting treatment and then have a psych evaluation after has has been clean for a bit.
it is scary thinking about leaving. But do you really want to continue your current life knowing that his alcoholism is only going to get worse? Because it will seriously affect your mental health more than you realize if you stay and he doesn’t quit. You don’t need to make a decision today but getting counseling will at least help you sort through everything and it will allow you to focus on you and make decisions based on that. You staying or going will have zero effect on whether he will quit drinking or not. So far staying hasn’t helped. If love could fix addition there would not be addiction in a marriage. Hard to really accept that but biting very true. And even if he sought recovery now it will be at least a year before you will really know who he will have become. He will change if he does recovery right. He has too or he wouldn’t stay clean. And you also will need tov hangen water you stay or not to avoid falling back into the codependent trap either with him or with someone else (not judging, speaking from personal experience).
i wish you the best of luck. Alcoholism sucks but you can be happy again and that maybe without him if he doesn’t get clean. I did not realize how much relief I found once I left. Life changes for sure and that is scary but that doesn’t mean it will be bad.
i lived a more than comfortable life and loved my house. I also have a kid and when he was drinking I was afraid to leave because I couldn’t trust him and she was too young to take care of herself really if he was drunk. The financial aspect was scary as well. But the last year before he got clean things got bad and I had completely detached. Only later did I realize that I really didn’t love him anymore as he had destroyed us. He actually got clean when I gave him an ultimatum but only because he had gotten to the point of realizing he couldn’t go on like that. He just needed that final kick in the butt from me. He also sought help and did mandatory rehab for 3 months (had to eb use of his job). I never would’ve thought he needed it but he needed every minute of it. And even after 3 months it is only the tip of the iceberg and is it only the beginning. But he sobriety came too late for me.we tried for another 1.5 years and my feelings were just shot and gone (have you had the joy of having him wet and soil the bed yet?). I had weekly counseling for 2 years until the day I moved out and then a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I still go to counseling because I find it helpful but it is every 4-6 weeks.
I love being on my own, I get to make all my own decisions and I can do what I want. My ex was “functional” outside the house but not at home with his family where it counted. I have zero regrets that I got divorced. I probably should’ve done it sooner.
I would highly recommend you at least seek out individual counseling and check out alanon as well. As hard as it is start detaching from him and take care of you. You cannot help him at all, begging and pleading won’t help if his heart isn’t into quitting (been there done that). Take care of you and your sanity. With counseling and also you will see things more clearly. Educate yourself on alcoholism. And yes more than likely he has an underlying psych diagnosis but until he actually gets clean they won’t be able to properly evaluate him for that anyway. And it can be something as simple as social anxiety or something more complex like bipolar or schizophrenia. But right now the alcohol is masking what the underlying problem is more than likely so he needs to be getting treatment and then have a psych evaluation after has has been clean for a bit.
it is scary thinking about leaving. But do you really want to continue your current life knowing that his alcoholism is only going to get worse? Because it will seriously affect your mental health more than you realize if you stay and he doesn’t quit. You don’t need to make a decision today but getting counseling will at least help you sort through everything and it will allow you to focus on you and make decisions based on that. You staying or going will have zero effect on whether he will quit drinking or not. So far staying hasn’t helped. If love could fix addition there would not be addiction in a marriage. Hard to really accept that but biting very true. And even if he sought recovery now it will be at least a year before you will really know who he will have become. He will change if he does recovery right. He has too or he wouldn’t stay clean. And you also will need tov hangen water you stay or not to avoid falling back into the codependent trap either with him or with someone else (not judging, speaking from personal experience).
i wish you the best of luck. Alcoholism sucks but you can be happy again and that maybe without him if he doesn’t get clean. I did not realize how much relief I found once I left. Life changes for sure and that is scary but that doesn’t mean it will be bad.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
"Another reason is I'm afraid of being lonely (not alone but lonely). I don't think that I have very many friends and a very strong support system from my family. "
Have you been to Alanon? This is the beginning of you getting well and forming a support network.
I would say to you that you are lonelier now than you could possibly be in any other healthy life situation.
Have you been to Alanon? This is the beginning of you getting well and forming a support network.
I would say to you that you are lonelier now than you could possibly be in any other healthy life situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by trailmix
Well, I totally understand that, however there are huge negatives to staying in this situation as well.
Being unsettled constantly, being hurt, being ignored. The mental toll can be huge.
You are banking on him being able to continue working. You are right about him losing his job, potentially, this current massive drinking hole that he is digging may be very hard for him to pull out of, once he is expected to go back to work. Plus, the progressive aspect.
You life right now and the comfort you have, may or may not be short lived. If he continues on there is a possibility that down the road you will be his caretaker. Is that how you see spending years with him? What if he does lose his job?
I completely understand not wanting to be lonely, who does, however you are lonely, you just maybe don't realize how much. Heck, if he moved out what if you chose a really fun or quiet or hysterically funny room mate? You wouldn't be lonely AND you could relax. Have you ever lived alone? I hadn't really until after my divorce and I was 100 percent sure I would hate it! For the first week or so, I did, then no more! I actually like living by myself, who knew! It's quiet, you do what you want when you want, no one is bugging you. You eat when you want, sleep when you want and go out and see people when you want (or have them over).
I just think that maybe you are scared of things that might not happen or could easily be overcome? I'm not encouraging you to divorce per se, I wouldn't do that. I also get that you feel guilty. However, do you want to sacrifice your life for his? If you do end up being his caretaker, perhaps for years, can you cope with that?
It's kind of a sad state of affairs. You are just as important as he is you know, but you don't seem to take your welfare (and your hurt) in to account.
Being unsettled constantly, being hurt, being ignored. The mental toll can be huge.
You are banking on him being able to continue working. You are right about him losing his job, potentially, this current massive drinking hole that he is digging may be very hard for him to pull out of, once he is expected to go back to work. Plus, the progressive aspect.
You life right now and the comfort you have, may or may not be short lived. If he continues on there is a possibility that down the road you will be his caretaker. Is that how you see spending years with him? What if he does lose his job?
I completely understand not wanting to be lonely, who does, however you are lonely, you just maybe don't realize how much. Heck, if he moved out what if you chose a really fun or quiet or hysterically funny room mate? You wouldn't be lonely AND you could relax. Have you ever lived alone? I hadn't really until after my divorce and I was 100 percent sure I would hate it! For the first week or so, I did, then no more! I actually like living by myself, who knew! It's quiet, you do what you want when you want, no one is bugging you. You eat when you want, sleep when you want and go out and see people when you want (or have them over).
I just think that maybe you are scared of things that might not happen or could easily be overcome? I'm not encouraging you to divorce per se, I wouldn't do that. I also get that you feel guilty. However, do you want to sacrifice your life for his? If you do end up being his caretaker, perhaps for years, can you cope with that?
It's kind of a sad state of affairs. You are just as important as he is you know, but you don't seem to take your welfare (and your hurt) in to account.
I just recently received a raise and I was happy about it because the company that I work for had delayed the raises for the year because of the virus situation and financial decline. I didn't really want to tell AH, mainly because he is miserable in his job and I felt like it would be "rubbing it in". How awful is it that I feel like I can't share my successes with him? It's messed up and I KNOW it. I walk on eggshells. However, I did tell him and I might as well not have. He hardly acknowledged it and it was instantly about him not getting a raise. Like I said, he's so far up his own ass. . . . .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Yes, I've tried Alanon and I think that it wasn't the right group for me. It been years since I've done it though. I also live across the city now and it'd be a different group. Maybe when all of this virus "stuff" settles, I'll look into doing that again. Right now, I don't have a good outlook on the virus situation and I'm one of the ones that's trying to stay away from everyone as much as possible.
I am in counseling too, however I took a break from it for a few months this summer. My next session is in a few weeks. I will tell you though that my counselor is a bit pro-marriage/anti-divorce. I like her but I'm not sure that she's the right fit for me.
Do I love him? Yes, I think so but definitely not In Love with him. I want him to get better. I want him to be at peace. I hate seeing him miserable; it breaks my heart. But yet, I'm SO frustrated because he does nothing to help himself. He's become a completely different person and I don't like this person. He's selfish, angry, has a mean streak, & creates drama. This is all the new AH. Everyone changes and I know I have. Some of my values & beliefs have changed. I'd like to think that I've changed for the better, but I feel like he's changed for the worse. Does that make any sense?
I am in counseling too, however I took a break from it for a few months this summer. My next session is in a few weeks. I will tell you though that my counselor is a bit pro-marriage/anti-divorce. I like her but I'm not sure that she's the right fit for me.
Do I love him? Yes, I think so but definitely not In Love with him. I want him to get better. I want him to be at peace. I hate seeing him miserable; it breaks my heart. But yet, I'm SO frustrated because he does nothing to help himself. He's become a completely different person and I don't like this person. He's selfish, angry, has a mean streak, & creates drama. This is all the new AH. Everyone changes and I know I have. Some of my values & beliefs have changed. I'd like to think that I've changed for the better, but I feel like he's changed for the worse. Does that make any sense?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,002
Ugh Flower. This is beyond tough.
I can understand why you don't leave and how seeing the lawyer was just overwhelming.
I'm a big fan of taking the next "right step" no matter how teeny tiny. Can you see any tiny task you could do towards planning your future?
I can understand why you don't leave and how seeing the lawyer was just overwhelming.
I'm a big fan of taking the next "right step" no matter how teeny tiny. Can you see any tiny task you could do towards planning your future?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
flower-----bekindalways just took the words from my mouth---lol. The idea of beginning with tiny baby steps. Remember---"How does the jug fill with water?" "One drop at a time"
also, remember----Fear is not necessarily Fact! We---most all of us---tend to think that what we fear will always come true. However, that is not true---I have spent so much time worrying about things that never did actually come to pass.
Sometimes, the tinest step forward consists of fantasizing what you would like for your future to look like. Sometimes, it consists of simply gathering information about something. Other times, it can be changing a counselor to another one who has a better grasp of your situation and needs. As long as it can move you one molecule forward, in your own interest, it is progress! And, a ball rolling tends to gather it's own steam.
also, remember----Fear is not necessarily Fact! We---most all of us---tend to think that what we fear will always come true. However, that is not true---I have spent so much time worrying about things that never did actually come to pass.
Sometimes, the tinest step forward consists of fantasizing what you would like for your future to look like. Sometimes, it consists of simply gathering information about something. Other times, it can be changing a counselor to another one who has a better grasp of your situation and needs. As long as it can move you one molecule forward, in your own interest, it is progress! And, a ball rolling tends to gather it's own steam.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Alcoholism/addiction is a mental illness and it has a destructive dysfunctional effect
on all family members. If you live with a mentally ill person long enough you will become
ill as well. Many of us here will admit to going very far down that dark spiraling rabbit
hole with our loved ones believing we were so freaking powerful we could FIX them.
Until we woke up and realized we were going down with them- not helping them!
There are books you need to read, one being "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty
(that's close ?) and there are many other good books. Darlene Lancer has an excellent
website with many valuable articles. Alanon has books and brochures
that are very helpful too. If you have learned about detachment and need help
with it, a counselor could help, maybe even with virtual visits. If you could find
an alanon group then you could get a sponsor and she could help you tremendously.
You can start doing all these things today, without moving. Although, just getting
away for a long weekend could be very very helpful to you right now.
The most important decision you need to make today is to make YOU and your recovery/
wellness/health a priority in your life. IMO the only counselor you should consider is
one who is very experienced with addiction, because pro/anti marriage values should
not take precedence over your mental and emotional well being.
on all family members. If you live with a mentally ill person long enough you will become
ill as well. Many of us here will admit to going very far down that dark spiraling rabbit
hole with our loved ones believing we were so freaking powerful we could FIX them.
Until we woke up and realized we were going down with them- not helping them!
There are books you need to read, one being "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty
(that's close ?) and there are many other good books. Darlene Lancer has an excellent
website with many valuable articles. Alanon has books and brochures
that are very helpful too. If you have learned about detachment and need help
with it, a counselor could help, maybe even with virtual visits. If you could find
an alanon group then you could get a sponsor and she could help you tremendously.
You can start doing all these things today, without moving. Although, just getting
away for a long weekend could be very very helpful to you right now.
The most important decision you need to make today is to make YOU and your recovery/
wellness/health a priority in your life. IMO the only counselor you should consider is
one who is very experienced with addiction, because pro/anti marriage values should
not take precedence over your mental and emotional well being.
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