Day 1 number 2,375,154 (or at least it seems that way)
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Join Date: May 2017
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Day 1 number 2,375,154 (or at least it seems that way)
Hello all. I haven't posted in several months. I had a good run of sober from mid-October of 2019 through most of March (with a small bump for one night on December 30). Felt better than I had since I was 35, and I'm 47. I read SR every day, but posted less and less frequently. Then came the virus, and working from home. Plus I'm a bit of a prepper (nothing drastic, just the basics of canned food, water, batteries, etc.). I read it was a good idea that even if you don't drink, it was wise to keep a few bottles of liquor around as they made for good barter if the world got really ugly. I should have recognized this as an AV lie, but I bought several fifths and stashed them in the basement, unopened. They stayed untouched for a couple weeks, and I was proud of my non-drinking. Then for no good reason, I decided to have a wee nip. You know, I'm sober 5 months, I can handle one drink, right? Wrong. The bottles were gone in short order. Then read the funny memes about people stocking up on "liquor for the last time for the third time this week." Ha. Not really very funny, but it made a good excuse to justify buying more.
Anyway, I'd pull it back together for two to three weeks. Then boom. 3 day bender. Then two weeks. 3 day bender. Swear I was going back to full sobriety and I just need to accept I can't drink alcohol, period. Here we are approaching August, and I'm at work, sweating, nauseous, anxious, and guilt ridden. I recently read in an old thread on here that struck me as profound.... "There's a huge difference between knowing something to be true and accepting it." I think it describes me a lot. I've "known" I was an alcoholic for at least 2 or 3 years. It's only been until these last few months that I think I finally accepted (or am in the process of accepting) what that means. No alcohol. Ever. Because every time I do, it ends the same way. EVERY, SINGLE, TIME. No exceptions. I had a good sobriety plan going that included a lot of church related stuff, services, volunteer work, etc. That all went away with COVID, so I think it was a contributor to my initial slip, as well as working from home where I didn't have to get up early and go to work. I could get up, turn on the computer, and sneak a beer/shot from the garage behind my wife's back.
Anyway, glad to be back. I'm tired of the cycle, and in less than 3 months I was right back in it, big time. Now to develop a plan that can be done mainly from home with spotty internet, as we're very rural. Thanks for listening.
Anyway, I'd pull it back together for two to three weeks. Then boom. 3 day bender. Then two weeks. 3 day bender. Swear I was going back to full sobriety and I just need to accept I can't drink alcohol, period. Here we are approaching August, and I'm at work, sweating, nauseous, anxious, and guilt ridden. I recently read in an old thread on here that struck me as profound.... "There's a huge difference between knowing something to be true and accepting it." I think it describes me a lot. I've "known" I was an alcoholic for at least 2 or 3 years. It's only been until these last few months that I think I finally accepted (or am in the process of accepting) what that means. No alcohol. Ever. Because every time I do, it ends the same way. EVERY, SINGLE, TIME. No exceptions. I had a good sobriety plan going that included a lot of church related stuff, services, volunteer work, etc. That all went away with COVID, so I think it was a contributor to my initial slip, as well as working from home where I didn't have to get up early and go to work. I could get up, turn on the computer, and sneak a beer/shot from the garage behind my wife's back.
Anyway, glad to be back. I'm tired of the cycle, and in less than 3 months I was right back in it, big time. Now to develop a plan that can be done mainly from home with spotty internet, as we're very rural. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Chicago
Posts: 252
I can relate
Originally Posted by BartShelbyGT 
Hello all. I haven't posted in several months. I had a good run of sober from mid-October of 2019 through most of March (with a small bump for one night on December 30). Felt better than I had since I was 35, and I'm 47. I read SR every day, but posted less and less frequently. Then came the virus, and working from home. Plus I'm a bit of a prepper (nothing drastic, just the basics of canned food, water, batteries, etc.). I read it was a good idea that even if you don't drink, it was wise to keep a few bottles of liquor around as they made for good barter if the world got really ugly. I should have recognized this as an AV lie, but I bought several fifths and stashed them in the basement, unopened. They stayed untouched for a couple weeks, and I was proud of my non-drinking. Then for no good reason, I decided to have a wee nip. You know, I'm sober 5 months, I can handle one drink, right? Wrong. The bottles were gone in short order. Then read the funny memes about people stocking up on "liquor for the last time for the third time this week." Ha. Not really very funny, but it made a good excuse to justify buying more.
Anyway, I'd pull it back together for two to three weeks. Then boom. 3 day bender. Then two weeks. 3 day bender. Swear I was going back to full sobriety and I just need to accept I can't drink alcohol, period. Here we are approaching August, and I'm at work, sweating, nauseous, anxious, and guilt ridden. I recently read in an old thread on here that struck me as profound.... "There's a huge difference between knowing something to be true and accepting it." I think it describes me a lot. I've "known" I was an alcoholic for at least 2 or 3 years. It's only been until these last few months that I think I finally accepted (or am in the process of accepting) what that means. No alcohol. Ever. Because every time I do, it ends the same way. EVERY, SINGLE, TIME. No exceptions. I had a good sobriety plan going that included a lot of church related stuff, services, volunteer work, etc. That all went away with COVID, so I think it was a contributor to my initial slip, as well as working from home where I didn't have to get up early and go to work. I could get up, turn on the computer, and sneak a beer/shot from the garage behind my wife's back.
Anyway, glad to be back. I'm tired of the cycle, and in less than 3 months I was right back in it, big time. Now to develop a plan that can be done mainly from home with spotty internet, as we're very rural. Thanks for listening.
Anyway, I'd pull it back together for two to three weeks. Then boom. 3 day bender. Then two weeks. 3 day bender. Swear I was going back to full sobriety and I just need to accept I can't drink alcohol, period. Here we are approaching August, and I'm at work, sweating, nauseous, anxious, and guilt ridden. I recently read in an old thread on here that struck me as profound.... "There's a huge difference between knowing something to be true and accepting it." I think it describes me a lot. I've "known" I was an alcoholic for at least 2 or 3 years. It's only been until these last few months that I think I finally accepted (or am in the process of accepting) what that means. No alcohol. Ever. Because every time I do, it ends the same way. EVERY, SINGLE, TIME. No exceptions. I had a good sobriety plan going that included a lot of church related stuff, services, volunteer work, etc. That all went away with COVID, so I think it was a contributor to my initial slip, as well as working from home where I didn't have to get up early and go to work. I could get up, turn on the computer, and sneak a beer/shot from the garage behind my wife's back.
Anyway, glad to be back. I'm tired of the cycle, and in less than 3 months I was right back in it, big time. Now to develop a plan that can be done mainly from home with spotty internet, as we're very rural. Thanks for listening.
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Welcome back, Bart.
I do hope you can develop a plan that will work for you. It sounds like you're working from home, so maybe you can make some kind of exercise break a part of your daily routine? Just something as simple as going out for a long walk can make you feel better physically and mentally.
I do hope you can develop a plan that will work for you. It sounds like you're working from home, so maybe you can make some kind of exercise break a part of your daily routine? Just something as simple as going out for a long walk can make you feel better physically and mentally.
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Join Date: May 2017
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We are back in the office now. So that helps bring back some degree of routine. I found that routine helped me a lot. Wake up, work out, shower, go to work, come home and mow or yard work, supper, an episode of a Netflix show, read bedtime story to my son, read my own book for pleasure, bed at 10 and get up and do it again. Planned project for weekends (hobbies like ATV riding and other outdoor activity) . Restaurants are opening back up here so go out to eat on Fridays.
If I never had friends/relatives visit or vacation to see my in laws or other "wrinkles" in my routine sober would be much easier. But life is all about wrinkles. When we get together with other folks, drinking is what we used to do. My wife can have two glasses of wine and then take it or leave it. For me, I'm the guy where one is too many and one hundred is not enough. I've happily sat through social events that involve alcohol with no desire to drink. Then wake up the next morning with an almost uncontrollable desire to drink to "reward" my good behavior. You all know the drill......
If I never had friends/relatives visit or vacation to see my in laws or other "wrinkles" in my routine sober would be much easier. But life is all about wrinkles. When we get together with other folks, drinking is what we used to do. My wife can have two glasses of wine and then take it or leave it. For me, I'm the guy where one is too many and one hundred is not enough. I've happily sat through social events that involve alcohol with no desire to drink. Then wake up the next morning with an almost uncontrollable desire to drink to "reward" my good behavior. You all know the drill......
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Last weekend my sister in law and her hubby and kids stayed the weekend. Everyone except me had two or three glasses of wine on Thursday and Friday nights. Saturday morning they are coming down from the guest bedroom at 7 am looking refreshed and relaxed because they drink like normal people. I woke up bright eyed and healthy at 6 to make everyone breakfast, but I'm already two shots on two beers in like a Mastiff in a butcher shop. And it kept on until yesterday, which I had as a vacation day. Let's just say today is bad. I've had worse withdrawls (and better ones), but I sure liked how I felt Saturday before booze as compared to the misery of today. I'm done withdrawls, minor or otherwise. And when I think about it, I didn't even have fun. I stumbled through an entire weekend pretending not to be as drunk as I was. Awful.
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Yes we do know the drill and pretty much all of us have the same general story and relationship with alcohol. The change for me came from when people told me I really had to put in the work. You have to work hard and push through the cravings. For me it helps to get mad at the AV (Addictive voice) that comes up with any damn excuse to drink.
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Day 2. Slept well with a little help from a Melatonin. No more nausea. No sweats or shakes. Still plenty of brain fog and some noticeable anxiety. Not to mention the slimy yellow bowel stuff that lasts about a day for every day I drank. I've done this so many times I know the rough schedule of returning to normalcy (assuming nothing goes drastically wrong or I've not actually managed to do permanent damage with this last round). It's frustrating because I know nothing will heal me but time. You have to endure each day knowing tomorrow will be a little bit better, until usually somewhere between day 5 and 7, where typically that's almost the end, at least physically. I'm never going through this cycle again. Ever. Thanks for listening.
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Hi and welcome back Bart 
I had a loit of reasons to drink b ut the underklying reason was I was an alcoholic.
The only really way to address that is not drink at all, ever.
Do you feel you're open to that possibility now?
D
I had a loit of reasons to drink b ut the underklying reason was I was an alcoholic.
The only really way to address that is not drink at all, ever.
Do you feel you're open to that possibility now?
D
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by BartShelbyGT
I just need to accept I can't drink alcohol, period. Here we are approaching August, and I'm at work, sweating, nauseous, anxious, and guilt ridden. I recently read in an old thread on here that struck me as profound.... "There's a huge difference between knowing something to be true and accepting it." I think it describes me a lot. I've "known" I was an alcoholic for at least 2 or 3 years. It's only been until these last few months that I think I finally accepted (or am in the process of accepting) what that means. No alcohol Ever. Because every time I do, it ends the same way. EVERY, SINGLE, TIME. No exceptions.
Originally Posted by BartShelbyGT
I had a good sobriety plan going that included a lot of church related stuff, services, volunteer work, etc.
Take a nip, and all is well, you aren't crazy yet, at least it feels that way, and just to make sure you take another. Your AV has got you right where it wants you. Your AV is you by the way. It's you who is playing the head games because you want to drink. Stop drinking for good, and you will get over it. Take a nip now and then and you never will. Sounds like you know this, but maybe just kind of know it. If you do actually know it, then you just want to drink, and you always will until you accept AND COMMIT to never drinking again.
Originally Posted by BartShelbyGT
That all went away with COVID,
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Thanks all for the comments. After a particularly bad binge last October, I "thought" I was all in. And I was, for a few months. I've been reading a lot about Fading Effect Bias. That's definitely a thing. I can distinctly remember in March thinking that October wasn't as bad as it really was. By June, I knew I was fading fast but kept thinking "just one more round for this event or that other thing" then I'll end it for good. Nothing particularly bad happened this last round. The withdrawals sucked, but nothing more extreme than usual (and certainly not as bad as October). I just got to thinking about how the first part of my time off was wonderful. I was having a good time not drinking. I remember it all. Then I added alcohol to the mix and the rest of it sucked. Hiding how drunk I was, and not really remembering anything. I believe I've had a breakthrough in that it's such a great direct comparison between how fun it was without booze and instantly misery with (besides the maybe the first half hour initial buzz). When I play that tape forward in my head, it's never been so clear about how I don't need booze to have fun, and now it not only isn't needed, it makes it worse. I'm all in.
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"That all went away with COVID, so I think it was a contributor to my initial slip, as well as working from home where I didn't have to get up early and go to work. I could get up, turn on the computer, and sneak a beer/shot from the garage behind my wife's back."
I'm sorry, but that's almost comical. You do realize that your AV wrote that, right?
COVID has nothing to do with anything that is remotely related to you drinking alcohol.
Working from home has nothing - whatsoever - to do with your decision to sneak drinks.
Your wife, my guess, knows and has known when you relapse. Alcohol smells, no matter what a person does to try to mask it. And anyone who knows us sober can tell that something is up when we've been drinking because - no matter what we'd like to believe - drinking changes our behavior and our speech.
Our AV is grossly subtle and arrogant. It's like a snake - slithering, arriving and leaving in a heartbeat, hard to catch, blending in with non-threatening backgrounds, and it's just as venomous mentally as it is physically (no offense to snakes). The AV can turn something inside out and upside down in a millisecond; concealing its real identity in an attempt to have us serve it what it wants - our drug of choice - and we miss it entirely! We're completely oblivious to it. Until we learn to identify it.
I'm sorry, but that's almost comical. You do realize that your AV wrote that, right?
COVID has nothing to do with anything that is remotely related to you drinking alcohol.
Working from home has nothing - whatsoever - to do with your decision to sneak drinks.
Your wife, my guess, knows and has known when you relapse. Alcohol smells, no matter what a person does to try to mask it. And anyone who knows us sober can tell that something is up when we've been drinking because - no matter what we'd like to believe - drinking changes our behavior and our speech.
Our AV is grossly subtle and arrogant. It's like a snake - slithering, arriving and leaving in a heartbeat, hard to catch, blending in with non-threatening backgrounds, and it's just as venomous mentally as it is physically (no offense to snakes). The AV can turn something inside out and upside down in a millisecond; concealing its real identity in an attempt to have us serve it what it wants - our drug of choice - and we miss it entirely! We're completely oblivious to it. Until we learn to identify it.
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[QUOTE=LumenandNyx;7482215]"That all went away with COVID, so I think it was a contributor to my initial slip, as well as working from home where I didn't have to get up early and go to work. I could get up, turn on the computer, and sneak a beer/shot from the garage behind my wife's back."
I'm sorry, but that's almost comical. You do realize that your AV wrote that, right?
Comical it may be (and probably is), but it's definitely a dark comedy as that's what I was doing. And rationalizing it as I went along. And yes, she probably knew.
Which is another hard part of this story. My wife says she doesn't mind me drunk. What gets her angry is me not getting up and happily embracing the next day. Something happened in the last 4 or 5 years where a fun night followed by a little rust in the morning that was gone in a couple of hours changed. Now it's me immediately drinking some more to function or laying in bed with shakes and sweats and nightmarish anxiety. My BP hitting 170 over 100 and fast heart rates. Trips to the ER. I can't take that anymore, physically or mentally. Neither should she have to live in worry that I might have a serious medical problem because of booze. Although she's never threatened to leave, she shouldn't have to live with that. I used to justify it all in my mind by telling myself that I'm not violent, never been arrested or had a DUI (through luck), don't gamble and have never cheated or even seriously considered it. I smoked pot in my 20s but not for many years now, so no drugs. Our finances are better than average. I love her with all my heart. None of these things make it ok. Although I might not be obnoxious, drunks are still annoying. And by being physically and emotionally unavailable for days whilst I recover from a binge, I am being a crappy husband. I have repeatedly tried to recapture the "old" me. NO MORE. As I've been told and now realize, once you cross from being a cucumber into being a pickle, you can never be a cucumber again. I'm a pickle. No going back.
I'm sorry, but that's almost comical. You do realize that your AV wrote that, right?
Comical it may be (and probably is), but it's definitely a dark comedy as that's what I was doing. And rationalizing it as I went along. And yes, she probably knew.
Which is another hard part of this story. My wife says she doesn't mind me drunk. What gets her angry is me not getting up and happily embracing the next day. Something happened in the last 4 or 5 years where a fun night followed by a little rust in the morning that was gone in a couple of hours changed. Now it's me immediately drinking some more to function or laying in bed with shakes and sweats and nightmarish anxiety. My BP hitting 170 over 100 and fast heart rates. Trips to the ER. I can't take that anymore, physically or mentally. Neither should she have to live in worry that I might have a serious medical problem because of booze. Although she's never threatened to leave, she shouldn't have to live with that. I used to justify it all in my mind by telling myself that I'm not violent, never been arrested or had a DUI (through luck), don't gamble and have never cheated or even seriously considered it. I smoked pot in my 20s but not for many years now, so no drugs. Our finances are better than average. I love her with all my heart. None of these things make it ok. Although I might not be obnoxious, drunks are still annoying. And by being physically and emotionally unavailable for days whilst I recover from a binge, I am being a crappy husband. I have repeatedly tried to recapture the "old" me. NO MORE. As I've been told and now realize, once you cross from being a cucumber into being a pickle, you can never be a cucumber again. I'm a pickle. No going back.
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You say you are in the "process" of accepting it, BartShelby.
According to Prokashka and Declemente's (sp) "Stages of Change", you're in the "contemplative" stage. Next stage is "Action" Stage. Simplistic, but mostly true. It's pretty apparent you want to stop drinking.
You can hang around in contemplation for however long it takes. Or you can move more quickly into Action. It took me many tries. Wouldn't swap it for anything now. It doesn't have to take many tries. Just got to want it. See the benefits.
When you start putting the action in it makes a real difference. I need to practice the habit more often.
Sober is so much better.
According to Prokashka and Declemente's (sp) "Stages of Change", you're in the "contemplative" stage. Next stage is "Action" Stage. Simplistic, but mostly true. It's pretty apparent you want to stop drinking.
You can hang around in contemplation for however long it takes. Or you can move more quickly into Action. It took me many tries. Wouldn't swap it for anything now. It doesn't have to take many tries. Just got to want it. See the benefits.
When you start putting the action in it makes a real difference. I need to practice the habit more often.
Sober is so much better.
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Join Date: May 2017
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Perhaps it would have been better to have said that I was "in the process" during the months from October until the present. Something changed in my brain after last weekend. Again, it wasn't an epiphany, more like a final confirmation of something I'd known but been avoiding, that being: a) Even the non-hungover still drinking time isn't enjoyable anymore, and b) the physical and mental toll aren't worth it even if it was fun, let alone when it's not. So why continue? Ever. Not in a few months. Not maybe in a few years. Not maybe only for very special occasions. I've let go the notion that at some point I can have a drink. No matter the length of time or even to some super unlikely event like to celebrate winning the lottery, etc. Not ever. As others have said, rather than a burden, it's more like a huge stress reliever to just decide it's not an option.
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Originally Posted by BartShelbyGT
As others have said, rather than a burden, it's more like a huge stress reliever to just decide it's not an option.
"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop." Confucius
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Good morning. Just checking in. Day 9. Feeling good. Sober weekend. That's not totally unusual. Since falling off in March, I am sometimes able to put two or three of those in a row before a bender. However, last weekend was the first one I can remember where booze wasn't in the back of my mind constantly. I wasn't white knuckling my way through. It did pop into my head a couple of times, but not incessantly looming like a cloud over me. I laid 1800 feet of invisible fence for my dogs in 100 degree heat. It was sweat cleansing. Then shot a pistol match on Sunday. I hadn't shot a match in a while, as you obviously can't be hungover or drunk and shoot. Competing in an event certainly brings focus and mental clarity. My Mom is in visiting for the week, but she's not a drinker, so that's not an issue. The thing is, it's feeling too good. I am a strong believer in God, so I try not to be superstitious and just have faith. However, I kind of feel anxious like I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop. Anyway, thought I'd give a little progress report.
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