Not sure what part I should play in his life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 22
Not sure what part I should play in his life
Hi,
I just joined here because recently my boyfriend has been admitted to rehab for alcohol. Him and I have only been dating for a year, and honesty the year had a lot of low moments. Let me explain from the beginning! We are in a long distance relationship while I go to school. We started dating right when I left for college, and I was really hopeful that he would be the one for me. When I first moved to AZ our communication was really bad, he would sometimes just not answer my texts or he wouldn’t call me. He never acts how my day is going or anything like that. He sometimes got mad if I went out to parties. (I understand because he didn’t want me around guys) I understand some people think this is normal but I’ve only ever had constant communication(I don’t think constant communication is the healthiest either, I believe there’s a balance) our relationship would get to the point where we’d go hours without talking because his phone died or he just wouldn’t answer. Fast forward, i caught him texting his ex she still dms him from time to time. He blamed it on him being drunk, but I was still hurt. He would tell me he loved me and he wants to marry me but then he’d go and sometimes ditch me for his friends, like tell me we’d hang out then go to his friends instead. I know this may not seem like a big deal but it happened a lot. He also drank everyday and I didn’t know if that was normal or not. He’d drink so much sometimes he’d get sick and have to go to the ER. One time the doctor told him he almost died because of his heart, and he didn’t go to rehab. Instead he said he could do it on his own and then he started drinking a month later. (I’m not judging him at all I understand addiction is hard go through) I made sure to take care of him and always be there for him. Fast forward again... it was my birthday and he didn’t get me a gift and didn’t even try to see my on my birthday. He said this was all because he wanted to drink and He revolved everything around drinking. I believe him on that but it still doesn’t hurt any less. Present day, he’s in rehab and he still has terrible withdraws and I can’t help but worry. I’ve read online and gotten advice from people to just be friends with him so he can focus on himself. I brought that up to him and him and his family kind of freaked out on me, which I get. I wasn’t trying to leave him I was doing what I thought was best. I constantly stay up and worry about him, I can’t sleep, can’t eat, and I know that’s so selfish. He has texted me suicidal messages and then I won’t hear from him. I’m pretty young and it’s just getting to be a lot. Again, I know I’m being selfish but I don’t know what to do. He’s treated me badly in the past and I understand part of that was the addiction but at the same time it’s hard to stand by somebody who hurt you badly. Also I spend my entire day freaking out on if he’s okay or not. So I guess my question is what should I do? Am I being selfish for wanting space? I love him but it’s getting to be a lot for me to handle and I feel like I can’t even be the rock he wants me to be.
I just joined here because recently my boyfriend has been admitted to rehab for alcohol. Him and I have only been dating for a year, and honesty the year had a lot of low moments. Let me explain from the beginning! We are in a long distance relationship while I go to school. We started dating right when I left for college, and I was really hopeful that he would be the one for me. When I first moved to AZ our communication was really bad, he would sometimes just not answer my texts or he wouldn’t call me. He never acts how my day is going or anything like that. He sometimes got mad if I went out to parties. (I understand because he didn’t want me around guys) I understand some people think this is normal but I’ve only ever had constant communication(I don’t think constant communication is the healthiest either, I believe there’s a balance) our relationship would get to the point where we’d go hours without talking because his phone died or he just wouldn’t answer. Fast forward, i caught him texting his ex she still dms him from time to time. He blamed it on him being drunk, but I was still hurt. He would tell me he loved me and he wants to marry me but then he’d go and sometimes ditch me for his friends, like tell me we’d hang out then go to his friends instead. I know this may not seem like a big deal but it happened a lot. He also drank everyday and I didn’t know if that was normal or not. He’d drink so much sometimes he’d get sick and have to go to the ER. One time the doctor told him he almost died because of his heart, and he didn’t go to rehab. Instead he said he could do it on his own and then he started drinking a month later. (I’m not judging him at all I understand addiction is hard go through) I made sure to take care of him and always be there for him. Fast forward again... it was my birthday and he didn’t get me a gift and didn’t even try to see my on my birthday. He said this was all because he wanted to drink and He revolved everything around drinking. I believe him on that but it still doesn’t hurt any less. Present day, he’s in rehab and he still has terrible withdraws and I can’t help but worry. I’ve read online and gotten advice from people to just be friends with him so he can focus on himself. I brought that up to him and him and his family kind of freaked out on me, which I get. I wasn’t trying to leave him I was doing what I thought was best. I constantly stay up and worry about him, I can’t sleep, can’t eat, and I know that’s so selfish. He has texted me suicidal messages and then I won’t hear from him. I’m pretty young and it’s just getting to be a lot. Again, I know I’m being selfish but I don’t know what to do. He’s treated me badly in the past and I understand part of that was the addiction but at the same time it’s hard to stand by somebody who hurt you badly. Also I spend my entire day freaking out on if he’s okay or not. So I guess my question is what should I do? Am I being selfish for wanting space? I love him but it’s getting to be a lot for me to handle and I feel like I can’t even be the rock he wants me to be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
any
Welcome! You will find lots of information here.
I think you already know what to do. It's just not something we want. It's best for you. If you wanted to be in a relationship, and had a vision of what that and marriage would look like, would you choose where you are? Of course not. Take time for you and move on. If you stay, there are only more difficult times ahead which you can't imagine. I'm so sorry. Just know, moving on saves your special beautiful person for one that CAN treat you like you should be treated.
AG
Welcome! You will find lots of information here.
I think you already know what to do. It's just not something we want. It's best for you. If you wanted to be in a relationship, and had a vision of what that and marriage would look like, would you choose where you are? Of course not. Take time for you and move on. If you stay, there are only more difficult times ahead which you can't imagine. I'm so sorry. Just know, moving on saves your special beautiful person for one that CAN treat you like you should be treated.
AG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
[QUOTE=any;7480003]Hi,
the issue is I’m still so in love with him and can’t imagine a life without him. I want this to work so badly. Is that weird? Even after everything?[/QUOTE
Very normal but in no way healthy for you or him. In fact, letting him go might be the best way to show love for the both of you.
the issue is I’m still so in love with him and can’t imagine a life without him. I want this to work so badly. Is that weird? Even after everything?[/QUOTE
Very normal but in no way healthy for you or him. In fact, letting him go might be the best way to show love for the both of you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He would tell me he loved me and he wants to marry me but then he’d go and sometimes ditch me for his friends, like tell me we’d hang out then go to his friends instead. I know this may not seem like a big deal but it happened a lot. He also drank everyday and I didn’t know if that was normal or not. He’d drink so much sometimes he’d get sick and have to go to the ER.
Now is a good time for you to take a giant step back and find some help for yourself to discover why you allow him to treat you this was. A toxic relationship has no place good to go. Is this the kind of person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with? He brings nothing to the relationship, you will continue to get hurt until you say "enough" and realize that you deserve to be treated better than this.
Take a good read around, I think the sticky threads at the top of this forum might be a good start for you to read and learn that how you treat yourself is what matters here, more than even how others treat you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 22
Leaving him
Everytime I try to take a step back and leave him he always says like “thanks for leaving me when I need you the most” or he begs me to stay and that he will change. He will tell me like no our relationship is stronger than this, we aren’t breaking up. Since he’s been admitted I’ve try to step back from his life because it’s been a huge process and I wanted him to focus on himself and not our relationship. When I tried to take a step back his family was even like I’m disappointed in you for leaving at a time like this. When I wasn’t technically leaving, I said he could talk to me any time. I still love him obviously but he’s in rehab recovering he shouldn’t be worried about our relationship right now, but it’s hard to stay when so many things have happened since he’s gone, like him sending scary messages. This whole thing just makes me feel selfish.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
You are NOT being selfish! He has a LOT of problems and hopefully, will be fine someday. But if he’s still sending you texts threatening to harm himself, he has a long road to recovery.
This is a LOT for anyone to handle, much less a young college age woman.
I understand why his parents want you to stick by him but they are only thinking about what’s best for HIM. That’s a very unfair, selfish burden to put on you.
Do you have anyone to talk to? Your parents or a counselor?
Also, does the rehab center or his family know he’s still threatening to kill himself?
He’s has control issues with you too, which is a huge red flag.
If you were my daughter or little sister, I would say put yourself first. I’d be very concerned about YOU and your happiness.
In just a year or two, who knows? Hopefully, he will be sober, healthy, more emotionally mature and maybe you two can work things out. Until then, focus on school and yourself. Again, you are not being selfish—-you are being smart.
This is a LOT for anyone to handle, much less a young college age woman.
I understand why his parents want you to stick by him but they are only thinking about what’s best for HIM. That’s a very unfair, selfish burden to put on you.
Do you have anyone to talk to? Your parents or a counselor?
Also, does the rehab center or his family know he’s still threatening to kill himself?
He’s has control issues with you too, which is a huge red flag.
If you were my daughter or little sister, I would say put yourself first. I’d be very concerned about YOU and your happiness.
In just a year or two, who knows? Hopefully, he will be sober, healthy, more emotionally mature and maybe you two can work things out. Until then, focus on school and yourself. Again, you are not being selfish—-you are being smart.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Zevin 
You are NOT being selfish! He has a LOT of problems and hopefully, will be fine someday. But if he’s still sending you texts threatening to harm himself, he has a long road to recovery.
Do you have anyone to talk to? Your parents or a counselor?
Also, does the rehab center or his family know he’s still threatening to kill himself?
.
Do you have anyone to talk to? Your parents or a counselor?
Also, does the rehab center or his family know he’s still threatening to kill himself?
.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
any
Replace Drinking with hitting you... One in the same really. Isn't he always the taker? Shouldn't the man be the one who protects? Who are you trying to be? God? His parents? I ask these questions because an alcoholic or addict WILL say ANYTHING to keep that addition and person around. HE has NO idea how to love. None. He isn't in sound mind and so his words are just words.
Addiction isn't rational. How do you understand something that isn't rational?
I feel for you but if you keep going back it WILL NOT get any better, only worse. I'm sorry! Truly..
AG
Replace Drinking with hitting you... One in the same really. Isn't he always the taker? Shouldn't the man be the one who protects? Who are you trying to be? God? His parents? I ask these questions because an alcoholic or addict WILL say ANYTHING to keep that addition and person around. HE has NO idea how to love. None. He isn't in sound mind and so his words are just words.
Addiction isn't rational. How do you understand something that isn't rational?
I feel for you but if you keep going back it WILL NOT get any better, only worse. I'm sorry! Truly..
AG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
any,
There is a book called "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie. I suggest very strongly that you read this book (or listen to it in audio format). My daughter was a young woman, probably around your age the first time she read it. It was a life saver for her, it was for me too, I only wish I'd read it at your age and not 20 years later. please consider reading this book. It will explain things you hadn't even questioned and will teach you things to help yourself become stronger and calmer. Loving someone with addiction issues is rough stuff, "Codependent No More" can give you some tools to make it a little less stressful. I'm a better person, living a better life because I read that book. (Many times)
There is a book called "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie. I suggest very strongly that you read this book (or listen to it in audio format). My daughter was a young woman, probably around your age the first time she read it. It was a life saver for her, it was for me too, I only wish I'd read it at your age and not 20 years later. please consider reading this book. It will explain things you hadn't even questioned and will teach you things to help yourself become stronger and calmer. Loving someone with addiction issues is rough stuff, "Codependent No More" can give you some tools to make it a little less stressful. I'm a better person, living a better life because I read that book. (Many times)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
any,
There is a book called "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie. I suggest very strongly that you read this book (or listen to it in audio format). My daughter was a young woman, probably around your age the first time she read it. It was a life saver for her, it was for me too, I only wish I'd read it at your age and not 20 years later. please consider reading this book. It will explain things you hadn't even questioned and will teach you things to help yourself become stronger and calmer. Loving someone with addiction issues is rough stuff, "Codependent No More" can give you some tools to make it a little less stressful. I'm a better person, living a better life because I read that book. (Many times)
There is a book called "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie. I suggest very strongly that you read this book (or listen to it in audio format). My daughter was a young woman, probably around your age the first time she read it. It was a life saver for her, it was for me too, I only wish I'd read it at your age and not 20 years later. please consider reading this book. It will explain things you hadn't even questioned and will teach you things to help yourself become stronger and calmer. Loving someone with addiction issues is rough stuff, "Codependent No More" can give you some tools to make it a little less stressful. I'm a better person, living a better life because I read that book. (Many times)
just bought the book thank you!!
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