acshore

I see in both my former, during and now present self that perhaps as it is as I am of a certain age, when involved with the alcoholic I was for a brief time, we can become angry in a moment for suddenly having an "ah-ha" moment where we break free from a relationship that we suddenly awaken to realize it deemed unhealthy, manipulative and our part in the panic, deception and self-deprecation - we allow the disease to impose on us - bitterness and resentment seems to ensue. What may I ask happened to the initial empathy that brought us to understand and feel for the human being we so desperately wanted to live, that we fought to either save, nurture or lost ourselves within in reacting to the infectiousness that this deadly disease takes hostage of all those who walk in its path. We victimize, or often it seems, ourselves and yet forget to shine light on the fact so is the addict; we have our substance-free minds that become crippled by guise of wet-brained dementia that plagues the soul of the once angelic, now demonic person we know is still inside. We are just as much a part of the solution as we are the problem. We unknowingly fall victim just as the addict, we are no better, nor no less than they. When going thru your recovery as the co-addict or person that has been unwillingly manipulated by the deceit of the ignited fire-breathed serum, take note they too have been taken hostage by a disease, a viral plague that inhabits all that care far too much and in the wake of its path. If the addict drinks to mask from feeling pain, and those of us who are just as sensitive fall down within because we feel the pain that is being masked, then perhaps we need to take a good look at ourselves. Do not fall into martyrdom, or keeping score by how much you have done or continue to do for. I never did, I am proud to say. I have accepted I behaved irrationally; out of manipulation, gaslighting, and on my own fear for not only the person of whom I cared and still do care about, but also out of fear in losing my identity and my sanity. Forgive yourself for not having boundaries strong enough to falling pray for the capture of disease and being 'captivated' enough to be fooled. It's okay. Not only were they fooled to believe a substance was the answer to their problems, but we led to believe our love was enough to help them thru the misery they so longed to escape from. In turn, they wished to have someone to co-commiserate with; at least the disease told them so. Forgive them, hold out hope, that perhaps just as we have or are still finding our way thru the light of deceit we were drawn to, so will they. And if they so choose to rejoice with us, we will be here with open arms, to say aloud, "We did it!"

Wombaticus

Its a very complex disease that results in some very complex situations. Yes, sometimes those aha moments come suddenly, and sometimes we piece it together over time. Sometimes, as for the frog in the boiling pot, we reach a point where we can't take the heat anymore. Or a combination of all.

suncatcher

I am becoming the frog in the boiling pot after 10 years! I have not severed the ties completely yet. I feel guilty and don't want to hurt my ABF but have been declining to go see him as often. I resonate with your post. It is hard to turn your back on someone you have cared about and done so much for in the past. I know I have done too much. Still struggling to break the ties that have bonded us. I have been just as addicted to helping him as he is addicted to his alcohol.