Juneberries

I was going through a bitter divorce when I met Jack. It was a blind date, and astonishingly after the date I remembered who he was. I was four years older than my brother, so I was out of the house at 18. Jack and my brother were 14. I inquired about him once to my little brother, “who’s that”? That’s Jack! And he inquired about me! That’s just my sister! I didn’t tell him who I was at first; I was afraid he would not date his long lost friend’s sister! So, as the weeks past, we formed a small bond, I told him who I was! He was thrilled! He had always liked me! We became inseparable, and Jack was my biggest advocate during the divorce (my spouse was cheating on me for years). But he was also difficult and demanding, and months into our relationship he told me he was an alcoholic and wanted my help in getting him to quit. He liked the fact that I didn’t go to bars on a regular basis! But he couldn’t quit! When my house sold, I moved in with him! Things changed quickly!!! If I challenged him in any way, he would threaten to kick me out! I was very vulnerable and became very dependent on him. We worked a beautiful garden together, he worked tirelessly in it for me, we were extremely compatible, and the attraction for each other was very strong! He was handsome! But there was the dark side-the alcohol; he drank heavily every single day! He started after work at 2pm and was intoxicated by 6 pm. Then it was abusive texts if he disliked something I did or wouldn’t do! I ate half of his leftover restaurant take home one night. I stayed home; he went to the bar. When he came home and saw I ate half of his take home, he went into a rage texting me that I was a ****, and it wouldn’t hurt me to prepare a meal once in a while. From then on whenever he was drinking alone, he would send me vile texts, such as one time I was looking for a hammer and couldn’t find it. I texted him and he told me to shove it up my big big *******! When he was sober the next day, he never apologized for his rages. When he was sober we went for wonderful bike rides, dancing around a campfire in his yard, canning tons of tomatoes, putting in a butterfly garden, etc. So, it was the best time of my life, and the worst time of my life! After three years, I was isolating myself from him...separate bedrooms, and the isolation or withdrawal made him even more furious. He started to tell me to get the **** out! Then he would tell me that I was welcomed back in the fold if I would just engage him. After a while things were good again, but not for long. Every few weeks there would be another incident. He became loud and obnoxious in a bar. I asked him to keep his voice down. Then the bartender did! We left and on the way home in the car he screamed at me **** YOU, **** you, **** you; to take the side of a bartender over your boyfriend!!! By this time I am living upstairs apart from him. Still he’s friendly and loving when he’s sober, “Hi beautiful,” he says to me in the morning, but by evening I was a crazy bitch, a ****, or his little mental patient. The last straw was when he forcefully sprayed me in the face with a garden hose! I called the police, and filed a report! I looked for another place to live! But before I moved out, he filed an eviction on me! Days after moving out he sends me a text, “We had love, a future!” Then tells me in the future if I change my behavior, and approach him as a new person...We have been apart for 9 months! His brother passed away, and I felt some moral obligation to reach out and express my condolences through a text. His response, “I WILL get a restraining order!
I will never contact him again. I am frustrated!

Seren

Hello Juneberries, and Welcome to SR!

There are many here who have had similar experiences, and they'll be along to share their experiences...it's usually quieter here on the weekends.

It is certainly frustrating to expect logical behavior from an active alcoholic. I totally understand. I'm glad you have managed to extract yourself from what sounds like a toxic relationship! Hang in there! And keep reading here on SR. There is a lot of great information and support!

ChloeRose63

Glad you are here with us and posting. You will find a lot of support and encouragement from us. I hope you will stay with us because there is a lot of resources that will help you understand alcoholic behavior and what you need to do to help yourself.

velma929

When someone's that angry over an expression of sympathy, that's very sad.

Understand, from your post - he's made it very very, very clear he doesn't have a problem with his drinking. You have a problem with his drinking. Since, in HIS mind, booze is essential, anything that stands in the path of drinking will be cut from his life. And I know you love and care for him still, but frankly, his demands and badgering make him sound like a misogynist. I suspect alcohol is not his only problem.

Beware of 'if only' thinking. "If only he didn't drink., X or Y wouldn't happen." It simply isn't so. Read some of the posts: not all alcoholics are abusive. Alcohol doesn't *make* people do things. It may release inhibitions, but in that case, people had those impulses anyway.

Your instincts were telling you to distance yourself - which you have now done. He's certainly helping that along. In time, there comes acceptance: this is who that person is. Not a soul mate, just a frail, flawed human being, like the rest of us.