Flowing

I like sobriety, it's nice. It's clear, it's focused, it's healthy, blah blah blah.

It's also extremely exhausting, I feel like I need a break, like I need to press pause, like life is far to intense when the ability to step back from reality is taken away.

I fit every criteria for alcoholism that you could possibly present but I still think that alcohol is just a truth serum. It's trying to point me in a direction that my sober mind hasn't got the courage to do. I think I drink to numb the fact that I'm living the wrong life and if I was living my true life I wouldn't feel the need to escape it.

I feel that committing to a sober life is actually giving in. Admitting that I am not strong enough to face the problems that I have in my life that need addressing that drinking brings to the surface.

doggonecarl

In previous posts you've called sobriety a novelty, an encroachment on your freedom, and the reason why you are a social recluse.

But today's is winner. Your addiction will tell you anything to get you to drink, and you're ready to believe it.

Please don't judge sobriety on a one week return from drinking.

WeThinkNot

Once I got through my nightmare of a withdrawal and began to do some soul searching I admitted something to myself that I tried to ignore for many, many years.

I was a coward.

I drank because I was a big loser and had absolutely nothing of value in my pathetic life worth fighting for. I certainly knew what needed to be done to remedy those things but it would require a lot of hard work. A lot of uncomfortable work.

Since I was too lazy and cowardly to do the work I decided the better alternative was to take my 20s and 30s, drop it in the toilet like a deuce, and flush it down.

I didn't want to be a loser or a coward anymore so I pulled my head out of my backside and started making some tough decisions in life.

I don't know if your post was asking for advice or just venting but that is my truth. Hope this helps in some way.

lessgravity

Man oh man. I went back and saw this from your first post:

i wanted a fluid life of doing what i felt like doing, not being tired to a preconceived structure. I wanted to be free.

I set myself pretty strict rules to follow:
.No drinking monday to Thursday
.No driving under the influence.
.Drinking slowly and enjoying the experience
.Being honest with myself.

--> In one line you say you want a life of freedom/without preconceived structure and in the very next breath you say you set up a strict drinking schedule (at least strict for those of us who have to control/eliminate our drinking). I lived for many, many years with this divided mind - divided against my self. Wanting so desperately to get sober and yet returning again and again, for whatever reason or excuse I could come up with, to the bottle.

Real freedom is permanent sobriety for people like us. Until you finally let go of all these convoluted arguments for and reasons to continue drinking you won't get to live the life that it is clear you want to be living.

Surrendered19

Drinking alcohol isn't going to help you get any of that figured out Flowing. You will still be living the wrong life and you will still not be able to escape or relax, AND you will feel like death warmed over. Learning to shut down and sit and relax without alcohol is one of the most important things to work on and learn to do in sobriety. Please give it more time. Your AV is screaming at you to drink not for courage, not for clarity, not for relaxation and not to find your one true life. None of those things happen when you drink.

Sober45

I’ve been sober 6 months. The longest I went before this was 53 days. I wasted much of the last 10 years trying to moderate because the thought of long term sobriety made my stomach sink. A feeling of doom and gloom. Who wants that when everyone else is having fun. It is the social norm after all. I just want to be normal!

I couldn’t stop until I changed these views. Whatever you say will be, will be.

I started questioning more. Is drinking a toxin really normal? What role does advertising play in my perceptions of alcohol? Who gains by me drinking?

It’s still early days for me but I’m so glad I stuck with it because I’m finally starting to see some light...I’ve been working hard on planting seeds of joy that I will one day harvest. This is my belief now.

from the posts I’ve read, There are recovery stages and these span over a number of years. Knowing this helps me be more accepting of where I am and not to expect too much too soon.

peace to you.

DriGuy

Getting drunk, so I don't have to notice how crappy my life is... or getting sober, so I can fix my life. Hmmm, let's see. What do I think I should do? This is a classic perspective from your alcoholic voice luring you back to drunkville. You need to get more reliable intel from a better source.

Also, after I got sober, I realized that what caused my life to be crappy was 98% from my drinking.

Hodd

So true! I was always late and disorganised (and hungover) and had an awful temper.

I remember one morning having a conference call at work. I had to set it up so always arrived a few minutes earlier than anyone else. So I rushed in (with hangover) and there were other people in the conference room. They were overrunning their booking time. One guy looked through the window and smiled, “Two minutes.” I lost it! I stormed in and asked them to leave. They left but weren’t happy at all. I didn’t know a few of them, but they looked fairly important. So I had an uneventful call, and not surprisingly was then asked to go and see one of the guys I’d kicked out. He was a senior guy and quite nice about it, but he made it clear I didn’t need to be so aggressive next time. I was totally in the wrong there. I was rushing because I had a hangover and was in a foul mood. That could’ve had repercussions. It still could have, and that’s an example of a problem directly related to drinking.

Now I’d get there a couple of minutes earlier (without hangover). I’d still kick them out, but I’d do it politely!

D122y

I have been clean for a while and I still crave. Sometimes I want to stick my head in a hole and make the world go away.

That is the crave, I will have it for life.

I make up issues to feel upset or happy or whatever. Then I used to crave and drink.

Now I go through a time almost every day, usually around 3 pm or so, where I feel totally insane.

I obsess over things I did or said throughout the day (e.g. spoke up when I didn't need to). If I didn't do anything for that day (e.g. stay in the house by myself and watch tv) I find something I did in the past (e.g. running my big mouth in front of the boss 1 year ago and now the boss hates me), or something that might happen in the future (e.g. what if the economy collapses).

I don't drink over it anymore, which is the huge win, but I lose out on living in the present. My life is ticking by while I think about this crazy stuff.

I am a work in progress.

Thanks.

Hodd

I agree cravings never die totally, but they do weaken over (sober) time. I’m 18 months sober, and the thought of having a drink enters my mind maybe once a week and that’s a minor craving for maybe a minute. I’d certainly get a craving when eating certain types of food too. It’s normal, but cravings do fade if they’re not fed.



Hodd

Everyone does these things, D122y. Don’t worry about these.

Dee74

Your inner addict will try everything it has to convince you drinking is your natural state,

nah didn't take my courage for me to drink all day every day and be a argumentative nasty mean blowhard to those I loved and a puking stumbling pants wetting mess to everyone else Flowing.

If thats my best life, thank god I settled for the altermative, man


so drinking makes you better/more courageous but if you were living your true life - i.e. drinking to be 'true' - you wouldn't need to drink?

That makes no logical sense - but then the AV never does.

Courage is putting the bottle down, not taking it up again.

However many years your been drinking, you need to give a decent amount of time to not drinking before you can adequately judge what sober really looks like.

The initial period is tough - that's why so many people drink again - but it gets easier and better.

least

It took me a while to adjust to living sober, but I did, and don't regret a minute of my sober journey. Sober is simpler, no drama, no fear, no feeling like death warmed over every morning. Living sober IS my true life. I am much happier sober.

BackandScared

It resonates so much with me. This one hurt! But it also motivate me greatly. Thank you

fini

“I think I drink to numb the fact that I'm living the wrong life and if I was living my true life I wouldn't feel the need to escape it.”
this is so cleverly convoluted it almost makes sense

you live the wrong life, you know it, so you drink to escape that by numbing, yet you say drinking brings out the truth, and if you lived your true life, you wouldn’t need to...

here’s the truth:
this IS your true and real life.
the one you’re living right now.

Fallow

I relate to this a lot. I would love a break from reality, I just don't want the consequences that come with it. Other than the brief pause, what benefit does alcohol have?

D122y

After being here for this amount of time, the problems and solutions seem to always be the same.

This is a good thing because it means there is a solution. Folks are keeping it together and folks are getting help.

Addict for life. Booze is poison. I hate the stuff.

Thanks.

Flowing

Thank you to everyone who replied.

I'm not sure I explained myself properly but the point I'm trying to make is that perhaps alcoholism is, in some cases at least, situational....

To give a theoretical example, imagine a person who was trapped in an abusive, lonely relationship who drank to numb the pain of their existence. This person then broke free from that relationship, found support, connection and a stable, loving partner. They now love their life and no longer drown their sorrows......

Everyone would have told this person that they were an alcoholic who needed to stop drinking. Period. But the truth was their drinking was a reaction to a problem. Take away the problem, the drinking subsides.

This theory is backed up by the "the rat park study" pioneered by American psychologist, Dr Bruce Alexander in the 70's.
If you've never heard of this go on YouTube, its very interesting.

The basic theory is founded by offering rats water laced with heroin in a closed environment. One environment is "rat park" paradise for rats, mates, food, games etc. The other is just an empty box with no stimulation.....

All of the rats in "rat park" chose the clean water and stayed away from the heroin.
All of the rats in the boring box ended up addicted to the heroin.

As addicts maybe for some of us its our environment that needs changing. I know a few recovering alcoholics who have really led very disappointing lives but they've maintained sobriety, I'm not so sure that it was sobriety that they should have prioritised.

doggonecarl

I think drinking can be situational. Not sure about alcoholism and alcoholic drinking. That IS the situation.

So what in your life makes you drink?

fini

well then, give changing your environment your best shot and after you do that, possibly your drinking will simply stop.
not an experiment that worked for me, but it might well work for others.