Starsabove32

I feel shame and embarrassment writing this... But I wonder if someone else experiences what I do... My relationship with my dad seems non existant, even though he has always been present. I feel awkward around him. He is a moody silent type. Being in a car or room alone with him feels awkward, but so does speaking on the phone because I have to do most of the work. I get nervous if I think he's looking at me, and feel a sexual presence in the air. I don't know if that is my experience of feeling awkward in sexual situations and it's translating across wrong to me...


To my knowledge there has never been any touching or line crossing. In fact very little, if any affection at all. My brain scrambles to find something wrong. I have experienced sexual abuse with other men.... One 28 years my senior when I was 15. I was groomed etc and another guy who manipulated me into having sex and then raped me. I feel so confused why I'm thinking about this now.

Could it be that my experience has made me fear men, and since I don't know him very well included him as just like the rest? He is emotionally a complete stranger.... Am I just looking some form of bond and misinterpreting the sexual stuff as a general awkwardness? I don't believe anything ever happened, but I do feel uncomfortable. I suppose because I visit them and I expect to know my parents well... But I don't...

I am mid therapy dealing with some emotional parental neglect, so this might be why I'm thinking about this now..... I feel better writing this out already, but please advise if you can. Or just help me figure out what's going on...

Dee74

Hi starsabove - welcome back

I’m no expert in this area, but abuse I suffered as a child did make me second guess other relationships fit a long long time.

Have you discussed this with your therapist at all?

I’m really sorry for all the dreadful things that have happened to you but I’m glad you feel safe enough here to ask these questions.

I hope you can find some peace.

.D

Starsabove32

Thank you for replying. I'm almost 9 months sober again yay previously made it to 3 months, 3 times. I immediately wanted to delete my message as soon as I wrote it but didn't know how. I think I might just be hurt he never took any interest in me.... And it's getting crossed with other things that have happened me. With therapy at the minute I did mention, that I find it weird that he is a stranger. I guess I wanted something big to maybe blame it on to explain it... But maybe it just is what it is... Awkwardness. As the adult I would have expected him to make the bond and relationship, but it never happened....

Thanks so much for replying. Its ages since I've been on this site so I'm not sure how to work it anymore Lol

Steely

I'm really glad you didn't delete your post Starsabove. It's important, and I understand. Not with my father, but men generally.

I was raped when I was young and feel uncomfortable, sometimes still frightened by men. Rape disempowers, and has had me become more timid, frightened when I'm around men. Shamed. Tongue tied. I'm getting better, but it has really impacted my life. The sexual tension thing arises, even if I'm not interested in the slightest.

Like Dee, I hope you are discussing this with your therapist and don't have any wise words to offer outside of letting you know that I understand.

All of my love to you stars above.

Starsabove32

Thank you for also taking the time to reply. I feel much calmer. I think it was actually a few things my mum had said which made me think.... Which makes me wonder is it maybe her trauma about someone in her life..... It doesn't feel like mine. But I do feel I've been controlled and manipulated by my mum in regard to her own insecurities and fears I believe..... This feels more outside of me.... How the brain works and interprets things can be so complex. I'm sorry you both experienced trauma in your past too. Thank you for replying to me and in doing so removing my shame for asking. I feel this is more resolved.... I don't think I was abused as a child at all now, but certainly brought up not to trust anyone.... And through my own experiences I guess things got muddled. I've been to therapy lots but never explored the depths of my childhood before. I always maintained I was well looked after because I was told by my mother I was....

My parents don't display or discuss emotions.... I don't know how but I am an emotional wreck a lot of the time 😂😂 I feel all the feels, especially now sober! Thanks again

Starsabove32

I replied to you, but I just found out how to reply directly to you now... I think lol

Anna

Great job on your recovery!

You said you feel uncomfortable around your Dad. Trust your feelings. Don't dismiss the feelings because they upset you. I had an abusive childhood and I was taught to always ignore my feelings and to not trust them. It's been an ongoing process for me to accept that my feelings are mine and they are all okay. I hope you have an opportunity to talk to your therapist about this.

Starsabove32

Hey thank you very much for replying yes I am realising that I had somewhat of an emotionally abusive upbringing. I was told how to think, and act, and feelings were definitely not discussed. There was little affection but plenty of making me feel useless which I have internalised. I think I'm uncomfortable around him because he used to have a short fuse so we had to thread carefully! I also think my parents have their own unresolved issues, which unfortunately has been taken out on us- rather than us being treated as actual kids. I feel better today. But very tired from the therapy and thinking. Thanks for replying. Sorry if you experienced any pain in your upbringing.

Think this is the first time I'm admitting that their parenting style really hurt me... And it's painful.... I'm recalling many moments when I was dismissed, told to be quiet or not allowed to express any feelings or goals, because it made them feel inferior... And so they reacted in an insecure way rather than a supportive way. It sucks and hurts and they are still very much "present" in my life. But I will be able to give myself the love I always deserved 😁

timi0000

Starsabove, the 2 things that have allowed me to drop my addiction is: 1. turning my life over to my Higher Power 2. becoming more loving and helpful towards people.

It started when I realized I had tried everything to help myself, but couldn't quit my addiction. In a moment of desperation I said "God I give myself you, come into my life." This is how it started. Everyday I reaffirm that I am turning my life over to God and asking Him for guidance. Even doing this, I had my slips until I made up my mind that I would take more loving actions toward other people and help them. It started out by posting positive messages on post it notes in bathroom and other public places. Now everyday I try to think of something I can do to help other people. Since doing that, I have been able to let go of my addiction.

I believe the two biggest reasons I had my addiction was for me to develop a relationship with my Higher Power and so that I would become more loving and helpful towards other people.

Starsabove32

That's really great. And impressive. But not very helpful for my question lol I thank you though for your input. Good luck with your continued sobriety.

Cityboy

Starsabove,

It's always very saddening to read of abuse that others have endured. Like Dee said, it's great that you feel comfortable enough here to be able to share those events and feelings.

While suspicions/intuitions can sometimes be off base or misleading, I agree with Anna in that they should not just be dismissed.

With my parents it has always been a loving relationship but awkward, for me anyway. Now, in their elderly years of failing health and constant need of attention of all kinds, one Sunday afternoon a month is still about all I can handle. I have my own power/confidence so to speak, but my Dad, unintentionally, tries extremely hard to take it away. Always has. Always will. Many times I have broken out the hard stuff and drank myself into a coma after a visit. I try to prepare myself mentally and tell myself to just rise above it, but without fail, I will soon take a defensive posture and put up every defensive barrier humanly possible. Then go home infuriated but feeling guilty for not helping my elderly parents more.

My point is, there is not always an easy answer or solution, especially with family.

Wishing you the best of luck with these issues and with continuing sobriety.