How long would it take you to forgive an alcoholics sibling?
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 4,731
How long would it take you to forgive an alcoholics sibling?
Hope it's ok if I post here. I'm an alcoholic.
My sister is currently giving me the silent treatment because of all the heartache I caused my parents because of my drinking. It's very upsetting because we used to be quite close.
Right now I'm two weeks sober, attending daily AA meetings and taking antabuse. I'm going to get a sponsor and start working the steps soon.
Do you think it's possible she might have forgiven me by Christmas?
My sister is currently giving me the silent treatment because of all the heartache I caused my parents because of my drinking. It's very upsetting because we used to be quite close.
Right now I'm two weeks sober, attending daily AA meetings and taking antabuse. I'm going to get a sponsor and start working the steps soon.
Do you think it's possible she might have forgiven me by Christmas?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Congratulations on your two weeks! That is wonderful and it sounds like you have a recovery plan in place to keep going.
I don’t think any of us can predict the trajectory of your sister’s forgiveness path. It depends on your history and your future behavior. Sometimes there’s just too much water under the bridge. All you can really do is keep showing up for recovery, allow her the time and space to deal with her own, and hope for the best.
I wish you strength and patience on your path to long-term recovery.
I don’t think any of us can predict the trajectory of your sister’s forgiveness path. It depends on your history and your future behavior. Sometimes there’s just too much water under the bridge. All you can really do is keep showing up for recovery, allow her the time and space to deal with her own, and hope for the best.
I wish you strength and patience on your path to long-term recovery.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
FF,
Page 164 of the Big Book says "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny."
Focus on getting a sponsor and working the steps as though your life depends on it (because it does). If you work the steps each day you will begin to clean your side of the street. Your sisters thoughts and actions are beyond your control, it would be wise to avoid creating expectations of her. Ultimately, we stay sober for ourselves. In time, the people in our lives see that our growth is different from our previous claims that we would change. Sometimes this takes years for others to accept and trust. One of my favorite people in my homegroup likes to say: if you find yourself ten miles into the woods, it's going to take at least ten miles of walking to get out of it.
Stay sober, grateful, and connected to people who actively work their programs and have what you want. Stay honest, open and willing to change. In due course, your life will have changed into something you probably never dared to hope for.
Good luck!
Page 164 of the Big Book says "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny."
Focus on getting a sponsor and working the steps as though your life depends on it (because it does). If you work the steps each day you will begin to clean your side of the street. Your sisters thoughts and actions are beyond your control, it would be wise to avoid creating expectations of her. Ultimately, we stay sober for ourselves. In time, the people in our lives see that our growth is different from our previous claims that we would change. Sometimes this takes years for others to accept and trust. One of my favorite people in my homegroup likes to say: if you find yourself ten miles into the woods, it's going to take at least ten miles of walking to get out of it.
Stay sober, grateful, and connected to people who actively work their programs and have what you want. Stay honest, open and willing to change. In due course, your life will have changed into something you probably never dared to hope for.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Hey FF, big congrats on that two weeks. It may be a short time to be sober but it is still a start.
I liked what Eddie posted above. The time you have spent getting to where you are probably needs to be matched . . . . at least somewhat.
We often tell people in relationships with alcoholics to give them a good solid year of sobriety before returning to the relationship or making any serious decisions. A year isn't a magic amount of time but it is enough for everyone to get a feel for what is happening and what is likely to happen.
Your sister may never forgive you and probably will never forget. Accepting this is part of recovery that goes beyond sobriety. It is why recovery is so complex and takes so long. It does indeed suck.
I have completely forgiven my qualifier (ex alcoholic boyfriend). It did take years of me growing up and looking at my own crap. He did eventually get sober and I'm very impressed with what I know of his life. I no longer have a relationship with him. This is/was appropriate for us. Although I wish it could have been different . . . . . hmmm . . . I'm not sure my story helps you much as a sibling is different than a partner.
Keep doing that next right thing F!
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle 
FF,
if you find yourself ten miles into the woods, it's going to take at least ten miles of walking to get out of it.
Good luck!
if you find yourself ten miles into the woods, it's going to take at least ten miles of walking to get out of it.
Good luck!
We often tell people in relationships with alcoholics to give them a good solid year of sobriety before returning to the relationship or making any serious decisions. A year isn't a magic amount of time but it is enough for everyone to get a feel for what is happening and what is likely to happen.
Your sister may never forgive you and probably will never forget. Accepting this is part of recovery that goes beyond sobriety. It is why recovery is so complex and takes so long. It does indeed suck.
I have completely forgiven my qualifier (ex alcoholic boyfriend). It did take years of me growing up and looking at my own crap. He did eventually get sober and I'm very impressed with what I know of his life. I no longer have a relationship with him. This is/was appropriate for us. Although I wish it could have been different . . . . . hmmm . . . I'm not sure my story helps you much as a sibling is different than a partner.
Keep doing that next right thing F!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I cannot tell you if and when your sister will forgive you. I am here because of my own sister, and I can tell you what did NOT work for me.
1) Pretending the abuse didn't happen. I swear to God the phrases "It was a joke" and "I didn't know it would hurt you" should be banned.
2) Expecting affection/approval on demand. Sometimes the well is just tapped dry, and even if she wanted to give you affection she may not dare do so because she is afraid of getting hurt. Even the positive steps my sister took were fraught with anxiety, because I didn't want to dare hope again. I also deeply resented having to praise every single thing she did - there was a time when she really acted like the vacuum cleaner of external validation - she was out to suck every single scrap of it. I couldn't be her supply any longer, and every attempt she made to get more just drove the wedge between us even deeper. I'm not saying that you're acting the same way, but beware of the impulse.
3) Not signing up/quitting a formal recovery program. My sister has told me that she quit pot, but because she never signed up for a program I can't let myself believe her.
I used to post on this forum a lot, and this was the example I used time and time again. Imagine that you are a doctor. Imagine that you encounter somebody who stabs you time and time again. Now say that very same person accidentally hurts themselves. Despite all the medical training you've received, there's no way on God's green earth that you can be expected to treat that person, especially if you're bleeding as well.
Your sister is incredibly hurt for herself and for her parents' sake. IMHO, expecting or demanding forgiveness is pretty much a guarantee that you won't receive the solace you seek. However, if she sees that you are CONSISTENTLY on the path to recovery, if you are seeking a life of grace, she is more likely to accept you for who you are. You cannot inflict a timeline on someone's heart.
I wish you the best as you pursue recovery. You're taking the first steps... some people don't even step on the path.
1) Pretending the abuse didn't happen. I swear to God the phrases "It was a joke" and "I didn't know it would hurt you" should be banned.
2) Expecting affection/approval on demand. Sometimes the well is just tapped dry, and even if she wanted to give you affection she may not dare do so because she is afraid of getting hurt. Even the positive steps my sister took were fraught with anxiety, because I didn't want to dare hope again. I also deeply resented having to praise every single thing she did - there was a time when she really acted like the vacuum cleaner of external validation - she was out to suck every single scrap of it. I couldn't be her supply any longer, and every attempt she made to get more just drove the wedge between us even deeper. I'm not saying that you're acting the same way, but beware of the impulse.
3) Not signing up/quitting a formal recovery program. My sister has told me that she quit pot, but because she never signed up for a program I can't let myself believe her.
I used to post on this forum a lot, and this was the example I used time and time again. Imagine that you are a doctor. Imagine that you encounter somebody who stabs you time and time again. Now say that very same person accidentally hurts themselves. Despite all the medical training you've received, there's no way on God's green earth that you can be expected to treat that person, especially if you're bleeding as well.
Your sister is incredibly hurt for herself and for her parents' sake. IMHO, expecting or demanding forgiveness is pretty much a guarantee that you won't receive the solace you seek. However, if she sees that you are CONSISTENTLY on the path to recovery, if you are seeking a life of grace, she is more likely to accept you for who you are. You cannot inflict a timeline on someone's heart.
I wish you the best as you pursue recovery. You're taking the first steps... some people don't even step on the path.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Congratulations on your two weeks, freedomfries!!!! That's great!
And, of course you are welcome to post here any time. The only advice I can offer from my own experience is...time takes time. Just keep up your sobriety for you. Your family will come around if and when they are ready. Hang in there!
And, of course you are welcome to post here any time. The only advice I can offer from my own experience is...time takes time. Just keep up your sobriety for you. Your family will come around if and when they are ready. Hang in there!
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 13
@freedomfries
I must congratulate you on your newfound sobriety. I can only speak as a person who was involved with an alcoholic for seven months. I was not co-dependent growing up, but because such in certain aspects due to being an Empath and gaslighting by way of him; lot of suicidal manipulation, threats, etc... One thing I did not do was cover up for his addiction and I confronted him on his accusations. That being said, my feeding into the manipulation fed his addiction, unknowingly, and I also was empathetic because of his abuse in his childhood. I ended up rage quitting with "I'll be here for your life but I won't contribute to your death." After sending him a long letter not blaming but detailing the affects his disease had on me but that I still cared and believed in him, I learned he went into rehab. I am unsure if my letter had an affect, but I am sure it contributed. I on his 50th birthday sent him a card with a letter of forgiveness and apologized for my end. Why? Neither he nor I chose the road we were dealt in life. We however can both choose to become better people and heal from our experiences. I never held resentment toward him but rather hurt for the behavior the disease caused and that I allowed myself to be manipulated and feeling stupid for being compulsive in my dealings because of the fear instilled in me. Any generosity I offered was with no expectation, but of course there was hope; which there is nothing wrong with that. But... in regards to your sister... I will not say she must forgive you, but I believe it would be healthy. I would hope she would learn about what the disease does to "both" parties. We all become diseased, hurt, suffer and our hearts brake. The addict knows they are hurting others and themselves, and drinks to mask the damage further, the friends and family hurt because of the possible abuse and turmoil that is seen as the addict unravels. Forgive ourselves for being human and causing hurt to those we truly love. I pray and hope things smooth out for your sister and she is able to be in a place to understand although your disease had an affect on her, she did not cause it, but know you did nothing intentional and you still love her. Love should transcend over all. I am in the opposite situation as I am wanting the man I knew to reach out to me and overcome the resentment and guilt/shame he may have toward me. I am sending you loving prayers.
I must congratulate you on your newfound sobriety. I can only speak as a person who was involved with an alcoholic for seven months. I was not co-dependent growing up, but because such in certain aspects due to being an Empath and gaslighting by way of him; lot of suicidal manipulation, threats, etc... One thing I did not do was cover up for his addiction and I confronted him on his accusations. That being said, my feeding into the manipulation fed his addiction, unknowingly, and I also was empathetic because of his abuse in his childhood. I ended up rage quitting with "I'll be here for your life but I won't contribute to your death." After sending him a long letter not blaming but detailing the affects his disease had on me but that I still cared and believed in him, I learned he went into rehab. I am unsure if my letter had an affect, but I am sure it contributed. I on his 50th birthday sent him a card with a letter of forgiveness and apologized for my end. Why? Neither he nor I chose the road we were dealt in life. We however can both choose to become better people and heal from our experiences. I never held resentment toward him but rather hurt for the behavior the disease caused and that I allowed myself to be manipulated and feeling stupid for being compulsive in my dealings because of the fear instilled in me. Any generosity I offered was with no expectation, but of course there was hope; which there is nothing wrong with that. But... in regards to your sister... I will not say she must forgive you, but I believe it would be healthy. I would hope she would learn about what the disease does to "both" parties. We all become diseased, hurt, suffer and our hearts brake. The addict knows they are hurting others and themselves, and drinks to mask the damage further, the friends and family hurt because of the possible abuse and turmoil that is seen as the addict unravels. Forgive ourselves for being human and causing hurt to those we truly love. I pray and hope things smooth out for your sister and she is able to be in a place to understand although your disease had an affect on her, she did not cause it, but know you did nothing intentional and you still love her. Love should transcend over all. I am in the opposite situation as I am wanting the man I knew to reach out to me and overcome the resentment and guilt/shame he may have toward me. I am sending you loving prayers.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
First of all Congratulations on your two weeks!
As for your question, I cannot speak for your sister, I can only say that the best thing to do in recovery (whether you are the alcoholic or the family) is to just work your program and do your very best every single day to make improvements. You cannot control her reactions or opinions any more than she could control the disease. Once I let it all go and just worked on myself, I was able to see my alcoholic for what he was.
Keep working hard!
As for your question, I cannot speak for your sister, I can only say that the best thing to do in recovery (whether you are the alcoholic or the family) is to just work your program and do your very best every single day to make improvements. You cannot control her reactions or opinions any more than she could control the disease. Once I let it all go and just worked on myself, I was able to see my alcoholic for what he was.
Keep working hard!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
One day at a time...keep on going, as people have said, as if your life depends on it, because it does. And one day, you will have a life beyond your wildest dreams...don't rob yourself of today's joys and accomplishments by worrying about tomorrow.
My 29 year old son is an alcoholic and I haven't seen him in almost 2 years because I pointed out that his behavior was unacceptable to me...I stopped pretending that all was well, and for this I was cut out of his life. I pray every day that he will find recovery, and find his way back to his family, but it's all about time and actions and faith. None of us got here quickly, but we all got here together somehow, and we each have our own path. Stay on yours, and give your sister the time and space to stay on her own, and good things will come. I wish you a strong and sure recovery with all my heart.
My 29 year old son is an alcoholic and I haven't seen him in almost 2 years because I pointed out that his behavior was unacceptable to me...I stopped pretending that all was well, and for this I was cut out of his life. I pray every day that he will find recovery, and find his way back to his family, but it's all about time and actions and faith. None of us got here quickly, but we all got here together somehow, and we each have our own path. Stay on yours, and give your sister the time and space to stay on her own, and good things will come. I wish you a strong and sure recovery with all my heart.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
How would a bunch of strangers know this? Your post shows a lot of self-pity and a sole focus on your Christmas experience.
She may never forgive you. If there's something specific you can do to make amends (and I mean actual amends like money or a useful action) then do that. Otherwise leave her alone.
She may never forgive you. If there's something specific you can do to make amends (and I mean actual amends like money or a useful action) then do that. Otherwise leave her alone.
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