Greentree87

Hi all, I have had other accounts on here before and am a frequent lurker, so I know some of your stories and 'faces'. I am a 33 year old married stay at home mother. Been drinking on and off now for 10 years.depression and anxiety. I would always deny it but eventually it reached a point where I had enough and I sought help but I am still giving in to the AV after periods of sobriety. I was on day 30 now its day 1. My brain sort of whitewashes over everything thats gone down when Ive drank before I tell myself it wasnt so bad..I wont drink that much... I can control it etc. Now I am shaking and in bed. Fried brain. That horrible sense of deep remorse...you all know what I'm talking about. I made a fool of myself again yesterday. I threw up in front of my kids. My two kids are healthy, kind, funny and pretty much everything you would want in a kid they are just precious kids and I keep hurting them. Ive been honest with my eldest she knows I have a drink problem. My husband is lovely and has supported me but drink one more time and Its game over. I stand to lose everything. I have worked on my sobriety but I need to add more tools to the recovery box. The doctor has prescribed me cymbalta which has been life changing for me in terms of how its helped me think more positively, it's even suppressed cravings completely but me being completely idiotic stopped taking it properly and dove back in the bottle. I live next to a country park and I walk a lot which I do find very healing for the soul. I've tried counselling but I find it hard to talk theres no one specific traumatic event its like a general depression...but I know I have to let all these old demons go and just open myself up a little more to people. I think the root of my issues is probably not loving myself very much and I just sabotage any happiness I could have for myself and when I'm sober I have a very happy lovely life. Im a brilliant mum when sober. I dont like the person...the AV in my head.. I will lie and manipulate my husband to get my hands on more drink and hes done his best but he just cant take anymore the stress is killing him. It must stop now. He cant trust me. I'm a sensitive soul and dont have many friends. I push people away and pretend to be ok. I'm very proud which doesnt help me in reaching out to people. Not much to feel proud of right now. What scared me last night is I had suicidal thoughts.But I will never do that to them. I still have so much to give. I still see hope for myself at the end of the tunnel. I'm going to try and post here if I can. Thanks for reading this.. any kind words would be great right now and any harsh ones will be taken in my stride too and any advice tips support for recovery tools will be gratefully taken on board.

least

I hope you'll read and post often and take advantage of all the support here.

My kids were teens when I was drinking and it damaged our relationship. But after over 10 yrs sober, I have regained their trust.

In order to stay sober you must want to be sober more than you want to drink. I hope we can help you get to that point.

MaximusD

Look up AVRT. I like that recovery tool. It is kind of a no ******** kind of tool. Post here often. Lurking doesn't work as well as participating in my opinion.

Bunker

I have no advice as I am struggling myself. I wish you well and hope you succeed. This living hell cannot be all that there is for us.

Dee74

Hi and welcome greentree
as you already know you'll find a lot of support and good ideas here.

why not check out our Class of July support thread too? Its for everyone quitting this month and all you need to do to join is post in it

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-one-6.html

D

Misssy2

You sound really ready.....I can sense it thru the screen..your in pain over hurting your children and your husband....and now you realize you are also hurting yourself...that is a "good" sign......keep reading, researching, reaching out....I wish you the best...and I really think you have this....Hugs

Greentree87

Thanks all. I will look into the AVRT therapy. I think you are right I am ready. It is time. I will join the daily diary today

b0glerd69

I had to repeat a cycle of sobriety/drunk for many years until I finally realised that I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I had to hit a critical mass of guilt/depression/anxiety/maturity until I felt ready to submit to full sobriety. I reached the point where I knew exactly how taking a drink was going to turn out and 'playing the tape forward' was easy for me.

Noam19

Hi Greentree. My kids being old enough to know what's going on with me is causing me the most amount of grief and pain. I can certainly sympathize with you. I've had several "long for me" stretches this year and saw my parenting brilliance as well. It's not enough though. Even if I get a few months sober I wonder if the family is just waiting for the inevitable day when they'll find me passed out, or drunk in the evening. I know it hurts them, which in turn hurts me. I wish you the best in your journey. Lots of good people here that will support you.

fishkiller

Hello greentree and welcome back!

I stayed drunk during my daughter's 1st 26 years. This is my biggest regret in life.

Don't be like me.

Come to SR every day, all day if necessary.
Someone already said it but you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

I am there but it is still not easy at times.

If you think you are about to drink come here and post up. Someone will answer. It has saved myself and others, it can save you too.

AVRT has helped me immensely also. Understanding it is the addiction controlling your thoughts and feelings is a huge step in being able to resist temptation.

You can and will do this if you have the desire.
Good luck and keep posting.

We like to hear good news too so if you have a good day don't hesitate to post up. Sharing good news is just as helpful as crying out for help.

Greentree87

Thanks so much all for your support. I have realised it takes a lot of commitment to get into full recovery and beat this and I think I'm at the point I want it. I'm lucky to have the support I have at home too. Husbands hugged me and forgiven me yet again but I know he is at breaking point now. I have much to get better for

biminiblue

Greentree, all the things you mention in your first post are precisely the things that the 12 Steps of AA are designed to relieve. Have you read the book of AA? It's available to read for free on its website. Go to their home page and at the bottom of the page is a link to the pdf, "Read the Big Book and 12 & 12."

I would highly suggest you go to an AA meeting, too. See if you can find a women's meeting in your area and just go. Your family and your life may depend on it. It's free and it will help.

boreas

Greentree,
I call sobriey the best decision I ever backed into. For me, that means I couldn’t clearly see all the reasons to not drink again until I had stopped for a bit and let my head clear. The gifts of sobriety unfold with time. Almost three years in, and that continues to be true.

My strategies to get started were:
1. Keep a journal, and write down every negative and humiliating thing about my drinking days as well as inspiring and scary stuff I read here. My deal with myself is that I would read it in its entirety before drinking again.
2. Do something different at the time of day I used to drink. I ate dinner early and went for long walks every evening when I would usually be getting hammered on the couch.
3. Eat when hungry. I wanted to lose weight and get in shape, so cold fruit was my go-to snack.

I kept it simple, and sobriety took on its own momentum. With a little time under my belt, I could start dealing with the “why” of it all. My dear offspring just turned 18, and I wouldn’t trade the last three years for anything. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner, something I wouldn’t have imagined in my drinking days.
Best wishes,
-bora

Kaptn

Sending a support your way. I also have an amazing husband and adult daughter here at home with me. I am again a housewife and empty-nester-in-waiting after 12 years working. My husband (who no longer drinks) last said to me that he didn't mind me have a couple drinks but he was tired of dealing with a drunk and he doesn't think it is fair to ask him to. I didn't want to hear him have to say more. And then went on a hell of a bender, drinking 2 pints of tequila in about 6 hours. It was the last red flag I expected to get before things got seriously ugly. I had many "close calls" and things I hoped no one noticed, overlooked, or were oblivious to. Times where things could have been awful but I got lucky. Today is Day 18 for me. Hold fast your desire to stay sober. Help is here when you need it.

Greentree87

Thankyou all. Bimini I have looked at AA before said I will do it and not done it. Maybe now is time to give myself that push to do it. Thankyou for the inspiration Boreas, my children are only 10 and 6, so I still have time to do all the good stuff and be 'present' and like you Kaptn my husband has said he doesn't mind me having a couple of drinks but the problem is as you know no control over when to stop. Help is here for you too lets keep it going :-)