Confused and lost today
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 24
Confused and lost today
My alcoholic fiance is 6 days home from his first week-long detox program and participating in an Intensive Outpatient Program. I posted for the first time a few days ago and know these are early days for both of us.
Last night, I observed familiar behavior that tells me he was drinking again. Stumbling gait, bloodshot eyes, incoherent babble when he was falling asleep, passing out etc. I'm know I did the wrong thing by trying to engage him and talk about it...but I did. He eventually got up to talk, but couldn't keep his eyes open or say much. Literally laid down on the kitchen floor and passed out. It wasn't any type of argument, just me trying to get him to talk about what was happening or admit that he had been drinking. He had little to say but denied drinking.
When he returned home from detox last week, we had a conversation about how even if there were missteps ahead, he could be honest with me and we would move on as long as he was still taking action to change. That was the only way I would be comfortable still being together. He seemed serious and committed to this. Honesty about what he's feeling and how he's doing was going to be his number one goal.
I am at a loss about last night and what to do. He claims his behavior was just based on a "bad day." He had his first day back to work after furlough, he "crashed his car" on the way home - it was down-pouring/storming and he said he "swerved to miss a fallen tree and hit a branch" - passenger side windows crashed out and doors dented in - he is ok thank god, car not so much. He was late for his virtual outpatient group session due to this. Claims that the full day of work, car incident, 3 hours of therapy, were overwhelming to him and that's why he was acting the way I described above.
I am not naive, I know that either way, this is not normal. I should trust my instincts - and even as I type this out it seems so obvious. Either way, whether he was drinking or not, I can't live with this behavior.
What do I do now? I missed the online Al-Anon meeting today. Living with an alcoholic in recovery is new to me, let alone a possible relapse and denial. Do I insist he leaves our apartment? Is it appropriate to reach out to his counselor? I find it a HUGE challenge at the moment to just try and focus on myself - I am a teacher and not working at the moment. We live in a small apartment, just the two of us so finding space and separation feels impossible. He is at work right now but I am trying to figure out what I should do tonight...
Last night, I observed familiar behavior that tells me he was drinking again. Stumbling gait, bloodshot eyes, incoherent babble when he was falling asleep, passing out etc. I'm know I did the wrong thing by trying to engage him and talk about it...but I did. He eventually got up to talk, but couldn't keep his eyes open or say much. Literally laid down on the kitchen floor and passed out. It wasn't any type of argument, just me trying to get him to talk about what was happening or admit that he had been drinking. He had little to say but denied drinking.
When he returned home from detox last week, we had a conversation about how even if there were missteps ahead, he could be honest with me and we would move on as long as he was still taking action to change. That was the only way I would be comfortable still being together. He seemed serious and committed to this. Honesty about what he's feeling and how he's doing was going to be his number one goal.
I am at a loss about last night and what to do. He claims his behavior was just based on a "bad day." He had his first day back to work after furlough, he "crashed his car" on the way home - it was down-pouring/storming and he said he "swerved to miss a fallen tree and hit a branch" - passenger side windows crashed out and doors dented in - he is ok thank god, car not so much. He was late for his virtual outpatient group session due to this. Claims that the full day of work, car incident, 3 hours of therapy, were overwhelming to him and that's why he was acting the way I described above.
I am not naive, I know that either way, this is not normal. I should trust my instincts - and even as I type this out it seems so obvious. Either way, whether he was drinking or not, I can't live with this behavior.
What do I do now? I missed the online Al-Anon meeting today. Living with an alcoholic in recovery is new to me, let alone a possible relapse and denial. Do I insist he leaves our apartment? Is it appropriate to reach out to his counselor? I find it a HUGE challenge at the moment to just try and focus on myself - I am a teacher and not working at the moment. We live in a small apartment, just the two of us so finding space and separation feels impossible. He is at work right now but I am trying to figure out what I should do tonight...
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You know what you know. No one passes out from a bad day. It is far more likely that the car incident was too much for his fragile sobriety to deal with. A lot of times, when I was "confused" about what to do about my relationship with an addict, I really just didn't like the obvious answer.
Something "feeling" impossible is not the same as it being impossible. People need distance and time away from a thing in order to gain perspective and clarity.
I wouldn't reach out to his counselor. He needs to be the one to reach for help, and if he is deep in denial about his addiction, it will only give him a reason to lash out at you.
Something "feeling" impossible is not the same as it being impossible. People need distance and time away from a thing in order to gain perspective and clarity.
I wouldn't reach out to his counselor. He needs to be the one to reach for help, and if he is deep in denial about his addiction, it will only give him a reason to lash out at you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Strength-----I will, also, underline everything that SparkleKitty just said. Especially, about having options that you just don't like.
One thing about learning everything that you can, about alcoholism---the natural history and progression of it, is, that YOU will know what you are up against, in the big picture----even if the alcoholic doesn't. This is where knowledge is Power. As a teacher, I know that this concept must be easy for you to accept---with your obvious respect for learning and knowledge.
Some good things to know are:
When a person returns from rehab (which he didn't---as detox is not the same as rehab)---or they make a big promise of "sobriety and honesty"----it is a recommended technique to make a written contract and have the alcoholic sign it. The contract spells out, specifically, what will happen if the alcoholic is to relapse---or, just continue drinking. This way, he has agreed to, and, it is clear what your boundaries are. Doesn't require any further debate.
Thing number two-------when you make a boundary, and do not stick to it. it makes your words hollow. No teeth, Not for the alcoholic, nor, you, for that matter. Just words.
We say to watch the actions of the alcoholic, not their words.
By the way----I wouldn't say that your boyfriend is "in recovery"------more like he has had a short pause in his drinking. You can assume that he was. technically, sober when he returned from week long detox. Then, add 6 days to that. 13 DAYS, total. 6 days sober, that he was responsible for (when he was in detox, he was under enforced abstainence).
Thing three---------LOL---I had to learn this the hard way, myself, when I was first working with alcoholics. Do not give any weight or credence to what a person----especially, an alcoholic, says when they are intoxicated. Nothing. They are speaking from an "incomplete mind". They are partially disconnected (chemically speaking) from the frontal lobe of their brain, as soon as the alcohol reaches that part of the brain (a matter of mere minutes). They aren't in full control of what they are saying, no matter how sincere they may sound----or, how desperate we are to believe their words.
Thing four----------If your boyfriend is to get into genuine, life long recovery, it will take months and years, rather than days or weeks. A minimum of one year to begin to see some evidence of solid changes----but, depending on who you talk to---can be 2-3--4---5 years. There are people who relapse after years and years of sobriety. Almost always, when they drop away from living by the principles of their recovery program (like AA).
Lol---there are many more "things" to learn about, of course. But, I imagine that you are feeling pretty overwhelmed. about now. I realize that you are emotionally bonded to your boyfriend, and that you have certain expectations of the relationship that you have been counting on and investing your self into. I know that any changes in the nature of your relationship with him will come very, very, very hard for you. Probably much harder for you than him. He has other ways of coping with his emotions---you will have to face yours straight up. And, it can hurt a lot.
My suggestion to you, should you choose to consider it, is--------put some time and space between yourself and the situation---as was already suggested. give yourself some space to just reflect on things from a distance. It is so hard to see the forest when you are standing among the trees. It clouds your perspective and your objectivity.
A question that you don't have to answer here, of course-----Do you feel like your boyfriend is essential for you to exist? Do you feel that life is possible---or has any value, without him with you?
Just something to think about.
As for what to say to him tonight---or not? I say to use your own judgement about how you are feeling and thinking. There is no "law" about this----lol. Nothing that you say or do will make any difference, in the long run---in regard to your boyfriend's alcoholism. Whatever will matter will come from whatever is within him. Your biggest responsibility will to be true to yourself and your own welfare.
One thing about learning everything that you can, about alcoholism---the natural history and progression of it, is, that YOU will know what you are up against, in the big picture----even if the alcoholic doesn't. This is where knowledge is Power. As a teacher, I know that this concept must be easy for you to accept---with your obvious respect for learning and knowledge.
Some good things to know are:
When a person returns from rehab (which he didn't---as detox is not the same as rehab)---or they make a big promise of "sobriety and honesty"----it is a recommended technique to make a written contract and have the alcoholic sign it. The contract spells out, specifically, what will happen if the alcoholic is to relapse---or, just continue drinking. This way, he has agreed to, and, it is clear what your boundaries are. Doesn't require any further debate.
Thing number two-------when you make a boundary, and do not stick to it. it makes your words hollow. No teeth, Not for the alcoholic, nor, you, for that matter. Just words.
We say to watch the actions of the alcoholic, not their words.
By the way----I wouldn't say that your boyfriend is "in recovery"------more like he has had a short pause in his drinking. You can assume that he was. technically, sober when he returned from week long detox. Then, add 6 days to that. 13 DAYS, total. 6 days sober, that he was responsible for (when he was in detox, he was under enforced abstainence).
Thing three---------LOL---I had to learn this the hard way, myself, when I was first working with alcoholics. Do not give any weight or credence to what a person----especially, an alcoholic, says when they are intoxicated. Nothing. They are speaking from an "incomplete mind". They are partially disconnected (chemically speaking) from the frontal lobe of their brain, as soon as the alcohol reaches that part of the brain (a matter of mere minutes). They aren't in full control of what they are saying, no matter how sincere they may sound----or, how desperate we are to believe their words.
Thing four----------If your boyfriend is to get into genuine, life long recovery, it will take months and years, rather than days or weeks. A minimum of one year to begin to see some evidence of solid changes----but, depending on who you talk to---can be 2-3--4---5 years. There are people who relapse after years and years of sobriety. Almost always, when they drop away from living by the principles of their recovery program (like AA).
Lol---there are many more "things" to learn about, of course. But, I imagine that you are feeling pretty overwhelmed. about now. I realize that you are emotionally bonded to your boyfriend, and that you have certain expectations of the relationship that you have been counting on and investing your self into. I know that any changes in the nature of your relationship with him will come very, very, very hard for you. Probably much harder for you than him. He has other ways of coping with his emotions---you will have to face yours straight up. And, it can hurt a lot.
My suggestion to you, should you choose to consider it, is--------put some time and space between yourself and the situation---as was already suggested. give yourself some space to just reflect on things from a distance. It is so hard to see the forest when you are standing among the trees. It clouds your perspective and your objectivity.
A question that you don't have to answer here, of course-----Do you feel like your boyfriend is essential for you to exist? Do you feel that life is possible---or has any value, without him with you?
Just something to think about.
As for what to say to him tonight---or not? I say to use your own judgement about how you are feeling and thinking. There is no "law" about this----lol. Nothing that you say or do will make any difference, in the long run---in regard to your boyfriend's alcoholism. Whatever will matter will come from whatever is within him. Your biggest responsibility will to be true to yourself and your own welfare.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Strength, oof, touch place you’re in. i am an alcoholic and don’t usually post here, but do read occasionally.
just thought to mention that he might have been in a car accident that hurt somebody else or someone’s property, and the authorities might be looking for a hit-and-run driver...maybe something to check out.
most of us are expert at trying to avoid taking responsibility when actively drinking. or “non-recovered”.
please put your welfare first.
just thought to mention that he might have been in a car accident that hurt somebody else or someone’s property, and the authorities might be looking for a hit-and-run driver...maybe something to check out.
most of us are expert at trying to avoid taking responsibility when actively drinking. or “non-recovered”.
please put your welfare first.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,615
Originally Posted by Strength28 
What do I do now? I missed the online Al-Anon meeting today. Living with an alcoholic in recovery is new to me, let alone a possible relapse and denial. Do I insist he leaves our apartment? Is it appropriate to reach out to his counselor? I find it a HUGE challenge at the moment to just try and focus on myself - I am a teacher and not working at the moment. We live in a small apartment, just the two of us so finding space and separation feels impossible. He is at work right now but I am trying to figure out what I should do tonight...
Having him leave will probably be doing you both a favour, however, I know that is no doubt a huge decision for you, so will require some thought.
I'm confused about the virtual therapy. You two live together, so where does he "attend" this therapy? Not at home? And he only told you that he practically totalled one side of the car when you woke him up?
No, none of this adds up, your instincts are correct. Does he normally drink and drive?
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 49
Strength,
I can tell you as someone who was first married to an alcoholic for 20 years never drank myself during that time. Got divorced - loved life. Loved life a little too much and ended up drinking heavily myself for the last 6 or so years. Now sober again and life back on track but again married to an alcoholic number 2. I hope I am wrong here but the more likely scenario is that he drank after work and crashed the car while intoxicated. Just know that he truly believes the things he told you about being honest with you. He just cannot follow through on it while drinking.
You have to figure out if life as it is right now is good enough for you. I have an alcoholic husband who is a great provider, good decent human being and my best friend. While he drinks. If that ever changes and he no longer is those things to me then I am ready to walk away. This would not be enough for most people but it works for me. After my first marriage broke up I made sure I can be totally self sufficient and not rely on anyone so I have no fear of being alone. I am with him because I choose to be and not because I have to be.
In your position, I would take a step back and just breathe. Just breathe a minute and be. Without the high level of anxiety that you are putting yourself through. You cannot change anything about the man you are engaged to marry. Allow yourself to calm down enough to make sensible and rational decisions about where YOU go from here. My situation with my first husband turned me into a raging, screaming lunatic with anxiety and upset off the charts. I will never let anyone affect me like that again.
I really do hope the best for you.
I can tell you as someone who was first married to an alcoholic for 20 years never drank myself during that time. Got divorced - loved life. Loved life a little too much and ended up drinking heavily myself for the last 6 or so years. Now sober again and life back on track but again married to an alcoholic number 2. I hope I am wrong here but the more likely scenario is that he drank after work and crashed the car while intoxicated. Just know that he truly believes the things he told you about being honest with you. He just cannot follow through on it while drinking.
You have to figure out if life as it is right now is good enough for you. I have an alcoholic husband who is a great provider, good decent human being and my best friend. While he drinks. If that ever changes and he no longer is those things to me then I am ready to walk away. This would not be enough for most people but it works for me. After my first marriage broke up I made sure I can be totally self sufficient and not rely on anyone so I have no fear of being alone. I am with him because I choose to be and not because I have to be.
In your position, I would take a step back and just breathe. Just breathe a minute and be. Without the high level of anxiety that you are putting yourself through. You cannot change anything about the man you are engaged to marry. Allow yourself to calm down enough to make sensible and rational decisions about where YOU go from here. My situation with my first husband turned me into a raging, screaming lunatic with anxiety and upset off the charts. I will never let anyone affect me like that again.
I really do hope the best for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by trailmix
Having him leave will probably be doing you both a favour, however, I know that is no doubt a huge decision for you, so will require some thought.
I'm confused about the virtual therapy. You two live together, so where does he "attend" this therapy? Not at home? And he only told you that he practically totalled one side of the car when you woke him up?
I'm confused about the virtual therapy. You two live together, so where does he "attend" this therapy? Not at home? And he only told you that he practically totalled one side of the car when you woke him up?
Yes, I have definitely considered having him move out. I am NOT going to allow myself to be in this situation that I have no control over if he does not admit a relapse and work on more intensive treatment with his counselor. I have been through enough to know that I deserve peace and a healthy environment, even if that means being alone.
Thank you all for the insight and feedback. It is so helpful.
Things have gotten worse as of today believe it or not. He was fired from his job - only 3 days back from furlough. I'm sure you can only imagine the dynamic/situation now.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Now that he is unemployed it’s an easy jump to a long term residential program. I would detach and put his stuff in storage while he works on authentic recovery.
move on ... if he does great you can have a cup of coffee in a year and catch up!
trust me... this is what I wished I had done! (No... I chased him around for years with a fire extinguisher, a box of Huggins and a broom and a dust pan! And let’s not forget a thinning wallet!
move on ... if he does great you can have a cup of coffee in a year and catch up!
trust me... this is what I wished I had done! (No... I chased him around for years with a fire extinguisher, a box of Huggins and a broom and a dust pan! And let’s not forget a thinning wallet!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,615
I'm sorry to hear that. Why was he fired? I suppose if it was for being drunk on the job he might not tell you about that anyway?
Actually I was asking because I was trying to determine the timeline:
- full day of work
- car incident
- 3 hours of therapy
So if he was at home for virtually 3 hours doing his therapy, he wasn't drinking then I take it? I was wondering as I thought he only told you about the car when you woke him up (which I thought was odd).
Anyway, it's all kind of moot. Do you believe him? I have actually been so stressed out, to the point, that when someone was talking to me (in particular an ex-boyfriend) I would want to fall asleep. I would be fine one moment and when he started talking I sometimes would literally have to go lay down (only for one of his "serious" talks lol).
Now, did something similar happen to him? No idea. As someone mentioned, his few days sober were a drop in the bucket. True sobriety/recovery takes months/years. If he has stopped drinking, you are about to find out now that he will be home all the time, people who are withdrawing from alcohol can be erratic, moody, exhausted, grouchy, snappy, shaky, sleep erratically etc etc. In no way does that mean you should allow him to treat you badly but it does mean he may not be "himself".
Have you ever been around him for any period of time when he's not drinking? Even when an alcoholic has not been drinking for a few days, that doesn't mean they are sober. Alcohol abuse changes the brain. Who he is now and who he will be later (once he has been in recovery a while) may be quite different.
Quitting drinking (if he has) is just the first small step.
How are you doing now?
Actually I was asking because I was trying to determine the timeline:
- full day of work
- car incident
- 3 hours of therapy
So if he was at home for virtually 3 hours doing his therapy, he wasn't drinking then I take it? I was wondering as I thought he only told you about the car when you woke him up (which I thought was odd).
Anyway, it's all kind of moot. Do you believe him? I have actually been so stressed out, to the point, that when someone was talking to me (in particular an ex-boyfriend) I would want to fall asleep. I would be fine one moment and when he started talking I sometimes would literally have to go lay down (only for one of his "serious" talks lol).
Now, did something similar happen to him? No idea. As someone mentioned, his few days sober were a drop in the bucket. True sobriety/recovery takes months/years. If he has stopped drinking, you are about to find out now that he will be home all the time, people who are withdrawing from alcohol can be erratic, moody, exhausted, grouchy, snappy, shaky, sleep erratically etc etc. In no way does that mean you should allow him to treat you badly but it does mean he may not be "himself".
Have you ever been around him for any period of time when he's not drinking? Even when an alcoholic has not been drinking for a few days, that doesn't mean they are sober. Alcohol abuse changes the brain. Who he is now and who he will be later (once he has been in recovery a while) may be quite different.
Quitting drinking (if he has) is just the first small step.
How are you doing now?
Stronger every day!
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 191
Originally Posted by flg1412
Strength,
My situation with my first husband turned me into a raging, screaming lunatic with anxiety and upset off the charts. I will never let anyone affect me like that again.
My situation with my first husband turned me into a raging, screaming lunatic with anxiety and upset off the charts. I will never let anyone affect me like that again.
Focus on YOU, Strength, especially now while he's away again. You matter and YOU ARE WORTH IT.
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