Jimievs

Hi everyone

​​​​​So my girlfriend has recently gone to rehab and I've noticed over the last 3 days that I've become some what anxious, I seem to get waves of emotion through the day to the point where I'm verging on crying. Me and my partner where no longer living together for the last 3 months as I wasn't able to cope with it all anymore, I wasn't reacting well and her drinking was getting worse, it all became to much for me to deal with so I asked her to move out for a period of time so I have some space from the drinking to try and calm down and become less reactive, which helped me alot but her drinking became heavier.

I think the loneliness of no contact with her and the uncertainty of what to expect when she finally gets out is playing on my mind, im so happy she is finally getting the help and I know I can't control the future and that her recovery irrelevant of what happens to us is the most important thing, I'm so proud of her for taking these steps and I want to be supportive and be there for when she comes out.

I guess I'm wondering if what I'm feeling is normal, selfishly hoping she will still feel the same about me when she leaves, worried how she is coping, just alot of uncertainty, trying to stay positive, just finding these feelings very uncomfortable

Thanks

nikegoddess112

Very normal in the context of the very "abnormal" this disease of alcoholism/addiction is in affecting friends, loved ones and family members.

Al-Anon can help immensely. It works for those who put the work in, same as AA for alcoholics and NA for addicts.

Bekindalways

Welcome Jim. I'm so glad you found us. I hope sober recovery will provide lots of support for you.

Unfortunately, being pretty scared, miserable and worried at this point of the situation is absolutely normal. You sound wise in that you understand that you have no control. The book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here. You might find a copy and give it a read.

Also I would strongly suggest that you double down on taking care of yourself. Get exercise, stay hydrated, get enough sleep and that kind of thing. What you are going through is tremendously difficult so do everything you can to circle the wagons to care for yourself as you go through this.

Let us know how you get on.

dandylion

Jimives-------Yes, the feelings and fears, that you describe, seem to be very commonly reported by the partners who have been enmeshed in a relationship with an active alcoholic.
Much of it,, I think, is that it brings "the chickens home to roost" -----about just how little control we have over another person.
Once a person goes to rehab---which has been the prayer for many partners---the whole matter of recovery (life long abstainence) lies in the hands of the alcoholic.
The very thought of not having control in the relationship, can be as terrifying to the partner as never taking a drink, again, can be for the alcoholic.

The "rules" that usually apply, and work pretty well for normal relationships----don't apply in an alcoholic relationship. So many of the "rules", when a partner is trying to get into genuine recovery, are the very opposite of what one would think.
General recommendations include---------------------------------------
1. Keep your hands off of the partners recovery process.
2. Don't try to become your partner's "therapist". The should have the support group (like AA), a sponsor, a personal therapist/counselor, doctor, etc. to guide them.
3. Don't---don't----try to become your partner's cheerleader. Quite often, they will secretly resent you for this. They will turn it against you, in the future, if they should relapse. (we can discuss this curious dynamic further, on this forum, if you wish).
4. In a nutshell---the best thing that you can do in your partners recovery process is to just Stay Out of Their Way. Don't be obstructive. Like--don't prevent them from attending meetings, spending time on recovery activities. Don't nag or question them about their recovery activities, or pressure them about their recovery. You can give them a ride to a meeting, if they need it, and be normally civil and human with them.

5 WHAT ABOUT YOU? You may ask----"but, what about my own needs and fears?" ******This is where is is sooo important---even, essential----that you must turn to other sources, than your partner, to deal with your feelings and your fears. You will need alanon or similar support group to validate your own feelings and to help you with your own self exploration and development. You will need to have your own counselor or therapist. You will need your own circle of support---separate from your partner's.
6.Learn all that you can about alcoholism and the effects of family and friends. Knowledge is power. You will need to know what you are up against.
7. Realize that for the relationship to have a chance of survival, in a healthy way----there will have to be change on both sides. You both will become different people in many important ways. The old, original relationship, will not ever return as exactly the same as it way. It may be better, but it will be----it HAS to be, different.

Jimie-------I am going to give you a convenient link to the section of our "stickies'----just above the threads, on the main page----of out extensive, excellent library of articles on the effects of alcoholism on the family and friends. there are over 100 articles. I suggest that you read and digest one, every single day----lol. seriously, there is sooo much for you to learn!

Here is that link------
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Bowielover7

@dandylion Can you please elaborate on don't be their cheerleader? Are we not supposed to encourage and support?
I feel like there are so many rules on ow to handle and talk to an addict. What about us non-addicts? I mean why are we always tip toeing around those with addiction?
It gets so frustrating and I know its a choice if we choose to stick around, but if feels like everything is off limits with these folks.

dandylion

Bowie-----most alcoholics who enter treatment, in the early part, don't completely accept life-long sobriety with joy and open arms. In fact, they will regard anyone and anything that comes between them and their ability to drink as the "enemy"----even their closest loved ones. Especially, if the loved one has, in the past, pressured, nagged or encouraged the alcoholic to give up drinking. After all, alcohol has been the thing that has helped them to cope with living. It is the fondest dream of every alcoholic to be able to drink normally, like non-alcoholics.
Thus, every cheerful praise from the partner can be viewed as something that the Partner wants. It can feel like pressure to them, even if they don't say so, at the time.
lol----it is like they still view it as they are on "team alcohol" and you are on "team abstinence". The alcoholic, may feel like they are doing what someone else wants them to do----rather than doing what they truly want for themselves.
This "secret" resentment can all come out, if the alcoholic should relapse----in the form of criticism and blame, directed at the loved one. This blame. of course, is to put the spotlight on the partner and take it off of the alcoholics drinking. It is a favorite tactic of most alcoholics---to shift blame onto others.

I didn't realize this, at one time----but, I was filled in by my own alcoholic. He explained to me not to praise alcoholics for not drinking---because they resented it, coming from a non-alcoholic. After that, I began asking recovering alcoholics if that was true---and, they almost always said yes. In fact, it seems that they would prefer that people not talk about their drinking, at all.

Yes, I do get it that it sounds like one is being instructed to tip toe around alcoholics. That may be because so many things are counter-intuitive when alcoholism is in the relationship.
Consider that when alcoholism is in a relationship or the family----the alcoholic becomes more, and more, the center of the family/relationship. They absorb so much attention and effort and can cause so much chaos and pain. It is often described, by the loved ones as "like walking on broken glass" or riding on an emotional roller coaster. Thus, there probably has been a lot of tip toeing around the alcoholic, in a way, even before they started treatment----lol.

Actually, I don't mean to be suggesting that one tip toe around the newly recovering alcoholic----even if it does sound like that. Basically, I think it boils down to getting out of the alcoholic's way and leaving their recovery up to them----while turning your focus away from the alcoholic and onto your own self. Doing this can be very stressful for the non-alcoholic partner----especially, in the beginning.
After all, the alcholic in treatment has lots of people at their disposal----all of whom, are rooting for him or her. Remember that an alcoholic will accept feedback much better from another recovering alcoholic much better than their loved one. They don't feel as much judgement when it comes from another alcoholic. One of the most powerful aspects of their recovery group----their recovery
"family" (like AA) are the invisible bonding that occurs---they feel accepted and validated by a peer----not judged.